# Almost 30, never had a relationship. Any advice? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 25, 2012, 11:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807 "2012-10-25T11:10:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![Reply](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/reply/32/15952_2.png) [@Reply](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reply)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 8:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/121 "2012-10-26T08:08:09Z")
So I read the second page of posts, up to #80. Thank you all. Short response: - Will work on confidence. Would appreciate advice on how to do so. - Will get better pictures, be less self-deprecating, finish school and get real job. - Not sure I understand why I’m not supposed to like my friends romantically. Sometimes (not always) it just naturally develops. Why I would be friends with them if I didn’t like them on some level? - Will try to clarify where I stand in regards to veganism and crunchiness. I know many of you find that utterly unattractive, but I know there are women who are ok with that and they’re the ones I’m trying to meet. - Thank you for the advice. Really. The brutal ones, the nice ones, the short ones and the long ones. I’ve read up to post 80 and I appreciate all of it. Long response: 1. I’m sure the lack of confidence is a big part of it. I’m not typically mopey or whiney; I’m actually good enough with most folks that I put them at ease within minutes and can get at least few laughs out of them. But I’m also not one to play up my own strengths. Writing the OKC profile was difficult enough because I felt like I was being an arrogant prick whenever I mentioned something good about myself. It’s both a matter of confidence and one of culture: I grew up in a country (Taiwan) where humility, sometimes even the false kind, was very highly emphasized and it’s still hard for me to talk about myself in any sort of boastful (or even honestly self-assured) way. I recognize that’s a cultural difference I just have to get over, but it’s hard when it’s so drilled into me. I also speak flawless English with a mostly Californian accent, so people just assume I’m native, but I spent the first 18 years of my life there and social interactions were very different. This isn’t an excuse, mind you, just a recognition that this is indeed something I have to work on. Which brings up #2… 2. So how exactly DO I build up confidence? I’m just not really sure what to do about it when every single gal rejects me? Every one is just another reminder of how much of a failure I seem to have become. I look in the mirror some days and go through that whole you’re-a-worthless-piece-of-shit routine. Do I just ignore that nagging feeling and press on as though nothing ever happened? Suck it up and keep trying? I do that a lot but it’s not always easy. I have decently high self-efficacy; I succeed at most everything in my life that I really try at _except_ dating. I wish I knew how to translate that into _some_ degree of self-esteem. 3. Ok, I get it, my OKC pictures suck. I’ll try to find better ones. I used to be morbidly obese and I’ve worked very hard just to get to the point where I feel I’m even presentable in pictures. I will continue to work on getting into better shape and getting less… eh… girly… pictures of myself. I do actually have a social life with awesome friends; I’ll try to get the shots to prove it. 4. I understand that being a vegan pseudohippie limits my chances. I’m ok with that. Believe it or not, I actually got a _much_ happier social life after I figured this out about myself – finally found my niche in the world, and with it people that I truly got along with (other dirtbagging earth-worshippers). I actually live in a town full of them; here, I’m actually relatively low on the granola echelons. I’m sure that’s terrifying for some of you. I have friends who think bathing is a sin. Anyway, OKC isn’t the only avenue by which I meet people. It’s one of the ones I use the least, actually. I only linked to it because it’s easier than rewriting a whole autobiography. I’m not really focused on online dating; it was just something I tried out for a while and then decided to leave be. (Not that I’m opposed to it; as you pointed out, it’s just that the kind of people I like typically aren’t online much.)) For the record, I do want a girl who shares similar outlooks on life. Anybody who works for a Fortune, oh, 10,000 company will pretty much automatically exclude themselves from someone like me, and me from them, and that’s really just fine. Even if only 5% of the country shares remotely similar philosophies to mine, that’s enough of a chance for me to try. My values are the most important part of my life and I will not give them up for anything, even a horde of rich supermodels. I understand a lot of mainstream women will find this bizarre and even pathetic and I accept that. They are not the ones I hope to meet. I am not preachy about veganism in the least, but I would like a girl who doesn’t eat meat (meaning vegetarian at least) just because as some of you have pointed out, shared meals are such a huge part of human existence. It’s not about who’s right or wrong, just a matter of practicality. That said, there are a looooooot of vegetarian people and restaurants here. Half the places have special vegan dishes – even the freaking sushi place and even the fast-food Philly Cheesesteak place. That’s not the problem, not in this part of the country. 1. Some of y’all are saying I should ask friends who know me better. They _universally_ tell me “No, you’re great! Don’t change a thing!” I tell them “No, really, please, I need some honest feedback. This ain’t working. Please be honest and don’t worry about hurting my feelings… I need the brutal truth.” They repeat, “Um… I think you’re great. Don’t worry. You’ll find someone”. Or simply, “I don’t know”. :rolleyes: I’ve talked to most of my closest friends already and that’s what they’ve all said. Utterly unhelpful. The advice I’m getting here has a lot more substance. Thanks 🙂 2. In all seriousness, should I consider myself physically attractive? Average? Ugly? What do I need to work on aside from muscle mass? Do I need to change my clothing? Hairstyle? Face? Or just leave it be and focus on, say, confidence? 3. I will be less self-deprecating and apologetic about my failures to people I just met. That’s really good advice that I never even really thought about. Thanks. 4. Nothing I can do about being Asian. I understand demographic realities, but I can’t just go “Oh well. Better become a monk.” Thought about it. Didn’t work. Kung-fu and meditation only enrapture for so long. Moving on. 5. Income – nothing I can do about that right now. I’m trying to finish up my studies to get a Real Job. Not that a job in the environmental non-profit sector will EVER pay much. Another reality I can but accept. Should I mention that I work for two non-profits? One I get paid for, the other I founded and work as a volunteer for. IOW I don’t just sit around and mope, I actively try to do good in the world. Should I play that up or would that just seem even more, eh… overly idealistic/unrealistic? 6. Should I talk more about the things I’ve done before and the other things I’m good at even if they don’t mean much to me? I’m a photographer, graphic designer, and web designer and I actually get solicited for jobs in those fields from time to time, so it’s not ALL dirt huts and bumming. Is that worth mentioning to people, online or otherwise? I don’t consider those traits a big part of my being, just shit I learned to do when I was younger and happen to be semi-good at. I’m not sure that any of that is more respectable than “low-paid environmentalist”. 7. I’ve answered ~500 OKC questions. They’re getting tedious and stupid and I think that’s more than enough for a reasonably good match, am I right? 8. Thank you. ---
**Author:** ![Reply](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/reply/32/15952_2.png) [@Reply](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reply)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 8:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/122 "2012-10-26T08:41:05Z")
> [@Filbert](#): > > So, in summary: in order to get dates, you should stop being vegan, get rich, and stop being Asian. 😉 Heh, pretty much. Sigh. > [@Mississippienne](#): > > Start hanging at your local food co-op and try picking up vegan girls there. What? How? “Nice… tofu… baby.” > [@](#): > > 1. Very little concrete stuff about who you’re looking for and what kind of life you eventually want with her. Do you want kids? Do you want to settle down? Do you want a girl who’ll live in an endangered Redwood with you? There’s a lot of stuff about the oneness of being, but not a lot of what I or another girl can expect when we meet you. Really? I thought it spoke volumes – settling down? Kids? It doesn’t matter; that’s not the point for me. Service to the world is. Yes, I want a girl who’ll live in the redwoods with me – they’re all endangered. Are you telling me it’s not explicit enough that I’m not looking for the standard American dream? I’ve actually had several women (the type who I WOULD like to meet) tell me in no uncertain terms that they love my profile. (They were too far away.) I made my profile this particular way because those are the particular types of people I want to attract. Is this a bad strategy? > [@](#): > > 1. This is a nitpick, but you have two lists of movies you like, and one is the “zero emotional impact” list. C’mon. Just say that you like those movies. It comes across as hipsterish “I only like these films IRONICALLY!” nonsense. You’re allowed to like some brainless fun things. Hmm. I never thought about it that way. The _reason_ I don’t like those films much is _because_ they lack emotional impact. That wasn’t meant to be ironic. I’m just a sentimental fella who doesn’t see the point of fiction if they don’t make me feel something. If you’re saying that’s disturbing, hmm, that’s sad but I guess I should word it better… > [@](#): > > 1. I concur with someone else: Stop poaching on your friends. It’s not working out for you and is quite possibly ruining friendships. I really don’t understand this. Isn’t this a common occurrence? It’s not like I pretend to be friends with people just to try to get in their pants. I am friends first with them and sometimes feelings develop; sometimes it’s me for them and (rarely) it’s them for me. How exactly do you prevent that or turn it off once it happens? > [@](#): > > As for being Asian and not rich being points against you, fuck that noise. Thank you 😃 Yes, I realize I’m both, but I can help that about as much as I can help that I’m not Brad Pitt. > [@msmith537](#): > > It’s not really about the money. Or really about any of the interests the OP puts on his dating site. After all, people date all sorts of people. From what he describes, the OP is either doing something to turn off the women he dates, or he is dating a certain type of woman who may have issues of their own. Or he’s mis-reading their signals causing things to get weird. I would focus on that. God, yes, if only I knew _what_ that something was. > [@YogSosoth](#): > > If you try being bisexual, you’ll double your potential dating pool Yeah, no. Big supporter of equality and all, but the hormones did their thing and I’m cursed to want women. Believe me, I wish it weren’t so. Guys are much easier to deal with. > [@Dangerosa](#): > > Yeah, its a bad thing for dates 1 through “some period of time when its appropriate to be serious and intense.” For a girl you meet at a Sierra Club rally, serious and intense might be date two - about the Sierra Club. But not about your life view. It might be date six or date sixteen - and if its date never that isn’t the girl for you. Gotcha. Thank you. Will keep it light at first. > [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > Good plan. What you’ve said here is kind of what you need to get across in your profile - “I’m this guy who likes these things, but I don’t expect my significant other to be as into them as I am.” Very true. Yeah, they don’t have to be into all of that (although some of it would be nice). I’ll try to make it clearer. Thanks. > [@](#): > > Oh yeah, the muscle mass thing - totally not important. Personality is about a billion times more important than getting more muscle mass. Really getting mixed messages about this. Should I worry about my physical appearance more or not? Trying to get in better shape now. I can try harder. I’m never been very fashionable but I wouldn’t mind trying that either. > [@Blue\_Mood](#): > > One thing I noticed is that under personality it says that you are “worse-mannered”. Perhaps people are picking up on that, and not giving you a proper chance. Um… interesting. I wonder that means. > [@MeanOldLady](#): > > Yes it is. > > So my initial reaction to this thread, having read the title only was (crudely, admittedly) “He’s probably ugly.” So I went to the SDMB Photo Gallery and thought, “Oh, he’s not. He’s probably lame then.” Then I read your OP and you seemed like a normal guy, huh. Then I visited your OK Cupid profile, barely made it through and thought, “I don’t have time for this earthy bullshit.” > > Right. I don’t go in for vegans, but would consider making an exception for the right non-preachy guy. Saying things like you’re vegan because you value life in the same breath as saying you’re not preachy makes me skip to the next message in my inbox. > > I can understand not wanting to be a carbon copy of every other douche on OKC who has a twenty-page list of his favorite obscure-to-non-existent bands in the arts/entertainment section, but you still want to come off as a normal guy. Your profile doesn’t say “Normal guy who’s into the outdoors, staying fit and eating vegan.” It says “Blah blah blah blah, vegan blah blah.” I don’t know if you come off that way in real life, but if you do, it’s not helping. > > But this is just one gal’s opinion. If I can make my opinion worth more, I’ll add I’m about your age, am active, volunteer often, so we’re on the same page on some things (although I am so very not vegan), and yet I’m put off by your profile. Hmm. I think masquerading as a run-of-the-mill normal joe would just be lying. I’m a normal guy in the sense that I’m not particularly outstanding or disastrous in any way, but I certainly have my priorities in life, service and community chief among them. “Earthy bullshit” to you is “meaning of it all” to me, and that’s not something I can really just overlook or pretend away – what’d be the point, anyway? It’d come out soon enough once they met me. > [@MeanOldLady](#): > > I’m old. I hate teenagers and love gin which, according to my friends, makes me old. Hate kids and love liquor? Well, well. Maybe we have something in common after all. > [@SciFiSam](#): > > Your profile is just too long and earnest. You don’t come across as someone you could have a laugh with. The other advice you’ve had, like changing some of your pictures, is sound. If you’re vegan but could date someone who wasn’t, make that clear. Sigh, ok. I didn’t realize it was THAT bad. I am generally – well, I wouldn’t say “serious” – but calm and mostly intellectual in real life. That’s what I meant by uninteresting. Anyway I’ll try to make the profile lighter and shorter. > [@kanicbird](#): > > **Reply** I am going to give you a spiritual answer as 30 is far too long to go without a relationship. It may not make any sense to you as I’m sure it won’t to many dopers here. But here goes. Take a object you have a fond attachment to, you should get a idea which one, and destroy it, donate it or somehow get rid of it as a offering to experience a relationship, if it has lots of value please PM me as I can accept that on your behalf - JK - Destroy it. Like my penis? Sure would solve some problems. ---
**Author:** ![Scholar\_Beardpig](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9de053/32.png) [@Scholar\_Beardpig](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scholar_Beardpig)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 9:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/123 "2012-10-26T09:04:00Z")
The only advice I can really give (as I am basically a eunuch who hasn’t had much better luck than you have) is that with women you already know, under no circumstances should you creep on them and try to escape the friend zone. If you’re friends with a woman, be their friend, enjoy their friendship, and find someone else to mack on. If you’re not happy being their friend, then stop hanging out with them - but don’t try to move out of the zone. It doesn’t end well. ---
**Author:** ![Reply](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/reply/32/15952_2.png) [@Reply](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reply)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 9:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/124 "2012-10-26T09:24:55Z")
I edited my OKC profile (because it’s the only concrete change I can make right this moment). [http://www.okcupid.com/profile/needmoretrails](http://www.okcupid.com/profile/needmoretrails) I’d appreciate another quick look-over. Are the pictures better? The wordiness? The tone? ---
**Author:** ![Reply](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/reply/32/15952_2.png) [@Reply](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reply)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 11:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/125 "2012-10-26T11:02:33Z")
And a random question. You’ve commented on my wearing browns. What the hell should I be wearing? What do girls like guys to wear? I haven’t the slightest clue how to dress (in case it wasn’t obvious). I typically shop for clothes by criteria like: does it fit, can I hike and bike in it, is it waterproof, and if not, is it recycled/organic/hemp/from a thrift store/made by dreadlocked fairies? And then, all that being satisfied, the next question I ask is typically “Is it brown?”. I take it you’re going to tell me a better way… ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 12:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/126 "2012-10-26T12:27:23Z")
Regarding the muscle mass thing - check out the thread about the things guys do to attract women that women don’t care about. If you look like you’re in fairly good shape (and you do now), I think that’s fine. The type of woman you’re looking for probably isn’t going to be attracted to someone who looks like they spend five hours a day in a gym. Regarding how you dress, I’d say take it up a notch or two, but don’t obsess about that, either. Do you have a nice suit or suit jacket? Maybe dress up in that (complete with nice shoes - we totally notice shoes on guys) and make that one of your profile pictures. Ladies like a guy in a nice suit - they do nice things for a man’s body. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 12:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/127 "2012-10-26T12:36:18Z")
> [@Reply](#): > > I edited my OKC profile (because it’s the only concrete change I can make right this moment). > [OkCupid](http://www.okcupid.com/profile/needmoretrails) > > I’d appreciate another quick look-over. Are the pictures better? The wordiness? The tone? About 1,000,000 times better! The pics are fun and friendly (good!) Your bio still expresses your interests, but doesn’t make you sound like a Debbie Downer while doing it! (better!) And you’re actually showing that you have a bit of a sense of humour about things and about yourself (best!) I’m not in your target demographic (and you’re not really in mine), but now you look like someone I would actually want to meet and hang out with, which I think is what you want. Oh, and I think you’re pretty good looking, and your body type is ‘fit’. I don’t think you need to worry about building body mass - there are loads of women who dig the lean look. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 12:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/128 "2012-10-26T12:41:20Z")
> [@Reply](#): > > So I read the second page of posts, up to #80. Thank you all. > > Short response: > > - Will work on confidence. Would appreciate advice on how to do so. > - Will get better pictures, be less self-deprecating, finish school and get real job. > - Not sure I understand why I’m not supposed to like my friends romantically. Sometimes (not always) it just naturally develops. Why I would be friends with them if I didn’t like them on some level? > - Will try to clarify where I stand in regards to veganism and crunchiness. I know many of you find that utterly unattractive, but I know there are women who are ok with that and they’re the ones I’m trying to meet. > - Thank you for the advice. Really. The brutal ones, the nice ones, the short ones and the long ones. I’ve read up to post 80 and I appreciate all of it. > > Long response: > > 1. I’m sure the lack of confidence is a big part of it. I’m not typically mopey or whiney; I’m actually good enough with most folks that I put them at ease within minutes and can get at least few laughs out of them. But I’m also not one to play up my own strengths. Writing the OKC profile was difficult enough because I felt like I was being an arrogant prick whenever I mentioned something good about myself. It’s both a matter of confidence and one of culture: I grew up in a country (Taiwan) where humility, sometimes even the false kind, was very highly emphasized and it’s still hard for me to talk about myself in any sort of boastful (or even honestly self-assured) way. I recognize that’s a cultural difference I just have to get over, but it’s hard when it’s so drilled into me. I also speak flawless English with a mostly Californian accent, so people just assume I’m native, but I spent the first 18 years of my life there and social interactions were very different. This isn’t an excuse, mind you, just a recognition that this is indeed something I have to work on. Which brings up #2… > > 2. So how exactly DO I build up confidence? I’m just not really sure what to do about it when every single gal rejects me? Every one is just another reminder of how much of a failure I seem to have become. I look in the mirror some days and go through that whole you’re-a-worthless-piece-of-shit routine. Do I just ignore that nagging feeling and press on as though nothing ever happened? Suck it up and keep trying? I do that a lot but it’s not always easy. I have decently high self-efficacy; I succeed at most everything in my life that I really try at _except_ dating. I wish I knew how to translate that into _some_ degree of self-esteem. > > 3. Ok, I get it, my OKC pictures suck. I’ll try to find better ones. I used to be morbidly obese and I’ve worked very hard just to get to the point where I feel I’m even presentable in pictures. I will continue to work on getting into better shape and getting less… eh… girly… pictures of myself. I do actually have a social life with awesome friends; I’ll try to get the shots to prove it. > > 4. I understand that being a vegan pseudohippie limits my chances. I’m ok with that. Believe it or not, I actually got a _much_ happier social life after I figured this out about myself – finally found my niche in the world, and with it people that I truly got along with (other dirtbagging earth-worshippers). I actually live in a town full of them; here, I’m actually relatively low on the granola echelons. I’m sure that’s terrifying for some of you. I have friends who think bathing is a sin. Anyway, OKC isn’t the only avenue by which I meet people. It’s one of the ones I use the least, actually. I only linked to it because it’s easier than rewriting a whole autobiography. I’m not really focused on online dating; it was just something I tried out for a while and then decided to leave be. (Not that I’m opposed to it; as you pointed out, it’s just that the kind of people I like typically aren’t online much.)) > > For the record, I do want a girl who shares similar outlooks on life. Anybody who works for a Fortune, oh, 10,000 company will pretty much automatically exclude themselves from someone like me, and me from them, and that’s really just fine. Even if only 5% of the country shares remotely similar philosophies to mine, that’s enough of a chance for me to try. My values are the most important part of my life and I will not give them up for anything, even a horde of rich supermodels. I understand a lot of mainstream women will find this bizarre and even pathetic and I accept that. They are not the ones I hope to meet. > > I am not preachy about veganism in the least, but I would like a girl who doesn’t eat meat (meaning vegetarian at least) just because as some of you have pointed out, shared meals are such a huge part of human existence. It’s not about who’s right or wrong, just a matter of practicality. That said, there are a looooooot of vegetarian people and restaurants here. Half the places have special vegan dishes – even the freaking sushi place and even the fast-food Philly Cheesesteak place. That’s not the problem, not in this part of the country. > > 1. Some of y’all are saying I should ask friends who know me better. They _universally_ tell me “No, you’re great! Don’t change a thing!” I tell them “No, really, please, I need some honest feedback. This ain’t working. Please be honest and don’t worry about hurting my feelings… I need the brutal truth.” They repeat, “Um… I think you’re great. Don’t worry. You’ll find someone”. Or simply, “I don’t know”. :rolleyes: I’ve talked to most of my closest friends already and that’s what they’ve all said. Utterly unhelpful. The advice I’m getting here has a lot more substance. Thanks 🙂 > > 2. In all seriousness, should I consider myself physically attractive? Average? Ugly? What do I need to work on aside from muscle mass? Do I need to change my clothing? Hairstyle? Face? Or just leave it be and focus on, say, confidence? > > 3. I will be less self-deprecating and apologetic about my failures to people I just met. That’s really good advice that I never even really thought about. Thanks. > > 4. Nothing I can do about being Asian. I understand demographic realities, but I can’t just go “Oh well. Better become a monk.” Thought about it. Didn’t work. Kung-fu and meditation only enrapture for so long. Moving on. > > 5. Income – nothing I can do about that right now. I’m trying to finish up my studies to get a Real Job. Not that a job in the environmental non-profit sector will EVER pay much. Another reality I can but accept. Should I mention that I work for two non-profits? One I get paid for, the other I founded and work as a volunteer for. IOW I don’t just sit around and mope, I actively try to do good in the world. Should I play that up or would that just seem even more, eh… overly idealistic/unrealistic? > > 6. Should I talk more about the things I’ve done before and the other things I’m good at even if they don’t mean much to me? I’m a photographer, graphic designer, and web designer and I actually get solicited for jobs in those fields from time to time, so it’s not ALL dirt huts and bumming. Is that worth mentioning to people, online or otherwise? I don’t consider those traits a big part of my being, just shit I learned to do when I was younger and happen to be semi-good at. I’m not sure that any of that is more respectable than “low-paid environmentalist”. > > 7. I’ve answered ~500 OKC questions. They’re getting tedious and stupid and I think that’s more than enough for a reasonably good match, am I right? > > 8. Thank you. 1. I think confidence as stated is more about being comfortable in your interactions. Not necessary to be an alpha male asshole. 2. Practice practice practice. Part of the reason why you should concentrate on having dates and fun instead of finding your soulmate. Each date makes you more comfortable in a dating situation. When you find the right person you will have the right tools to act on it. I’m not exactly a smooth guy. This dies not come naturally to me. It takes time. 3. Instead of trying to find good pictures you need to do a photo session just for that purpose. It doesn’t have to be with a pro but you need to have a trusted friend take a bunch of pictures and pick a few good ones. Even supermodels have hundreds of pictures taken for every one the makes it into a magazine. 4. You are in a niche. You can’t be dishonest and expect a relationship. So don’t go back on that. I think everyone is just pointing out that your dating pool is a lot narrower than many because of your life choices. Nothing wrong with that but it makes things more difficult. It also means that the online thing will be much more difficult for you. I would think that in your communist collective it would be a plus. I’m sure I would be tarred and feathered and run out of town. 5. Then you are not asking people who have seen you in action with a woman. Or you are not asking those friends you are trying to mate with. Or those that you were hitting on are not honest. They may like you very much but there was something that made them not want to date you. They are not telling you. 6. You look like a normal dude to me. Not ugly not a pretty boy. But as a straight male I really can only tell if a guy is good looking if they are in the top 1% of looks. I happen to think I’m ugly but a small percentage of women think I’m not. Its a mystery to me. 7. Yes that is a very good idea. That is the type of confidence people are talking about. Being confident about yourself. Not putting yourself down. You don’t have to be a bragging asshole. 8. Kung fu is cool. I wouldn’t totally abandon the idea. 9. I think I was the first one to bring up income. I just mentioned it as a limiting factor not that it totally eliminates you from the dating pool. Especially online. When a woman is slogging through profile after profile they might not bother looking at what movies you like. Picture-income. Sorry thats reality. As I said I don’t think most women are looking for a suger daddy. But they are not looking for someone they might have to take care of financially. You would be better at explaining your situation to someone you interact with personally. Its not something you can do anything about now. I just mentioned it because you need to be aware it is a limiting factor, especially in online dating. 10. Diversity is not a bad thing. But I don’t see how muddying up your profile more will help. The profile is all about looking like someone you can have fun with but with more depth. And when i talk about fun I don’t mean drinking and clubbing. I mean someone who you can make you happy for an hour or two with the possibility of more. Happy free spirit good, tiresome humorless tree hugger bad. 11. I never used OKC so I don’t know how well it works. I only used Match. I was on it a few months. Didn’t get very far with many. A few emails back and forth. They I set up a date with a promising candidate. Coming up on our 2 year anniversary. You never know when it will happen. 12. You’re welcome I guess. At least I hope you have found some of what I said helpful. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 12:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/129 "2012-10-26T12:48:37Z")
> [@Reply](#): > > I edited my OKC profile (because it’s the only concrete change I can make right this moment). > [OkCupid](http://www.okcupid.com/profile/needmoretrails) > > I’d appreciate another quick look-over. Are the pictures better? The wordiness? The tone? I like it. Of course I don’t want a date. But as a guy that seems like someone I could hang out with even though I am on the opposite side of the spectrum. The only thing I notice is the picture. Its not a bad picture. But having the main picture be one in which you are far away and can’t see your face makes it seem like you are hiding something. Many may not even go deeper into your profile. The other two pictures of your close up that come up when I mouse over the pic are much better. ---
**Author:** ![onetwothreego](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ac91a4/32.png) [@onetwothreego](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/onetwothreego)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 12:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/130 "2012-10-26T12:51:54Z")
…I think all this is a shame. It’s not totally beyond belief that a man can reach 30 w/o having a relationship -and part of the problem seems to be other people subscribing to this pervasive idea that we must ‘fall in love’/have a relationship to be normal. Having a relationship really doesn’t bare much significance on normality, or even happiness. Besides, you’re not going to find a proper relationship by excessively worrying what other people think of you - even if you are some sandal wearing seed eater who sips yoghurt through a straw 😉 EVEN if you’re asian!? 😃 - did you read that freaky comment about n% of women finding asian folk less/more attractive? -What a wonderful use of resources. 🙂 - I’m a bit brown, too. It’s fine though - I get by. Anyway, I think that you need a bit more confidence! -How you’re going to find confidence is the humdinger; you’re certainly not going to find it by worrying about girls. Worrying about girls will just make it worse, which will lead to fewer girls, which will lead to bigger problems… You’re a keen ecologist, and seeing as you’ve committed yourself to this, however bizarre it might seem to certain others, you kind of owe it to yourself to enjoy it - which I’m sure you do already. I know it’s unfair to say - cheer up, be more confident, eat more greens. Many people seem to subscribe to the ‘Law of Attraction’, the belief that like attracts like and therefore that visualizing what one wants causes one to achieve or obtain what is desired. - If you stop to examine this line of thinking, it betrays an attitude that is fundamentally lacking in empathy. - You have every right to feel sad you don’t have a girl, but the only way you can up your chances is if you stop feeling like there’s something dreadfully wrong. If all else fails, take this man’s advice : [Look Out There's a Monster Coming - YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9HeEFxgktVg) English humour. Apologies ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 12:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/131 "2012-10-26T12:54:48Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > Regarding the muscle mass thing - check out the thread about the things guys do to attract women that women don’t care about. If you look like you’re in fairly good shape (and you do now), I think that’s fine. The type of woman you’re looking for probably isn’t going to be attracted to someone who looks like they spend five hours a day in a gym. > > Regarding how you dress, I’d say take it up a notch or two, but don’t obsess about that, either. Do you have a nice suit or suit jacket? Maybe dress up in that (complete with nice shoes - we totally notice shoes on guys) and make that one of your profile pictures. Ladies like a guy in a nice suit - they do nice things for a man’s body. 🙂 Suit? He’s a hippy! Ok maybe he can find one made out of hemp. Despite what the Doper women say a lot of women like muscles. As a former FWB told me “muscle is better than fat.” I got a lot more attention when I made my arms big. What most women don’t like is the over muscled body builder look (although the ones that do like it a lot). Believe me you would never mistake me for a professional body builder. Most women like fit and healthy. As long as you have that you should be fine. Being over weight does limit your choices. ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 1:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/132 "2012-10-26T13:25:01Z")
I’m laughing at “when I was younger/when I was much younger”. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Living_Well_Is_Best_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 1:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/133 "2012-10-26T13:46:20Z")
Pictures are much better! Can you replace the one of you digging on the main page with one of your face? I think that would help. You aren’t a bad looking dude, no reason to hide your face. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 1:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/134 "2012-10-26T13:52:38Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > I’m old. I hate teenagers and love gin which, according to my friends, makes me old. Are you single? I have a pretty good profile 😉 ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/135 "2012-10-26T15:03:06Z")
**Reply** , you are frekin adorable. Just thought you ought to know. ---
**Author:** ![Ludovic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ab992/32.png) [@Ludovic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludovic)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/136 "2012-10-26T15:10:28Z")
> [@Reply](#): > > Like my penis? Sure would solve some problems. It’s detachable? ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/137 "2012-10-26T15:10:59Z")
I liked the profile much better. I really just wanted to say that, despite all of the demographics, I love Asian men. Ok, yes, I am Asian, but I am South Asian (Indian specifically). But girls like me _are_ out there, so have hope. And the pictures are much nicer. With friends, without friends, smiling and happy, looking like life is good. People get into relationships to make themselves happier (hopefully). Lastly, you are handsome. Don’t worry about that. ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/138 "2012-10-26T15:20:53Z")
Am I the only one amused by the fact that I’m repeatedly clicking a “Submit Reply” button in a thread that **Reply** started? 😃 > [@even\_sven](#): > > Does that only work for women? Because I know plenty of well-off guys who don’t encounter major lifestyle problems dating cocktail waitresses and undergrads. Plenty of guys don’t care about their relationships being equal partnerships. Plenty of women don’t, either. My bad for assuming – but not stating – that we were talking about mature adults who _do_ care. > [@even\_sven](#): > > If I get to know you, though, income wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me, but it would depend on the story. Being a broke hot musician is a different story than being a dim fast food lifer. When it comes to the ability to live similar lifestyles with equal contributions and you make $100,000 but your potential beau barely clears $25,000, the story matters _way_ less. > [@Loach](#): > > I’m a guy and it makes a difference to me. Before my current girlfriend I had the chance to be with someone I liked quite a bit. No idea if it would have gone anywhere. We had a little fun but her finances were so awful I couldn’t see a future. There’s also a big difference, IMO, between someone who doesn’t make much money and someone who is horrible with money. > [@Reply](#): > > Yeah, no. Big supporter of equality and all, but the hormones did their thing and I’m cursed to want women. Believe me, I wish it weren’t so. Guys are much easier to deal with. Until you date them. Then it doesn’t matter whether you’re male or female. ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/139 "2012-10-26T15:22:44Z")
> [@Ludovic](#): > > It’s detachable? OMG, you are evil. I hate that song, gave me nightmares!:eek: ---
**Author:** ![John\_DiFool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_difool/32/19543_2.png) [@John\_DiFool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_DiFool)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807/140 "2012-10-26T15:39:37Z")
**Reply** , I say (and said ;)) to hold to your ideals. If I was a dirt-worshipping ethereal nature girl I probably would have gone gaga over your profile-you might tweak it here and there, sure, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with the _essence_ that you are broadcasting out there. Who cares about the zillions of women out there who don’t, won’t and wouldn’t “get” you? All you need is one kindred spirit. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/almost-30-never-had-a-relationship-any-advice/638807.md?page=8)