# Alright, this is how my hamburger(s) should be **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [October 10, 2018, 3:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/alright-this-is-how-my-hamburger-s-should-be/822737 "2018-10-10T03:10:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 16\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2018, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/alright-this-is-how-my-hamburger-s-should-be/822737/101 "2018-10-11T23:42:28Z")
Bacon works, but only in special combinations. The Carl’s, Jr. Western Bacon Cheeseburger, for example. Or A&W’s Teen Burger. Those wouldn’t be the same without the bacon. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2018, 12:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/alright-this-is-how-my-hamburger-s-should-be/822737/102 "2018-10-12T00:21:53Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > Really? I hate fat. A greasy burger turns me off. I do not have a gallbladder, maybe that contributes, I’m not sure. I have gout, and yet I eat all the “bad” foods and drink beer. > > I eat sardines, anchovies, blind robins and other things that gross some folks out. > > 😕 Sorry, not trying to be a jerk–but it’s barely possible I’ve read the occasional sarcastic post by you, and I honestly wasn’t sure if you were serious here. I’m glad the sous vide fat-free burger is delicious. ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2018, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/alright-this-is-how-my-hamburger-s-should-be/822737/103 "2018-10-12T00:41:34Z")
> [@ivylass](#): > > Stop stop stop, all you you! > > Seriously, have you forgotten the wise words of Jimmy Buffet? > > Lettuce > Tomato > Heinz 57 > French fried potatoes > Big kosher pickle > Cold draft beer Well, good God almighty, which way do I steer? 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2018, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/alright-this-is-how-my-hamburger-s-should-be/822737/104 "2018-10-12T00:43:58Z")
Weirdly, Jimmy loses me with the “medium-rare.” I want my burgers cooked medium-well at the very least. Chopped/ground beef had better be raw or well for me. Steaks I want still mooing, but not burgers. ---
**Author:** ![Fear\_Itself](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fear_itself/32/19637_2.png) [@Fear\_Itself](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fear_Itself)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2018, 1:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/alright-this-is-how-my-hamburger-s-should-be/822737/105 "2018-10-12T01:47:08Z")
It also goes without saying the title of the aforementioned song is not “Hamburger in Paradise”. Cheese. Burger. ---
**Author:** ![Ukulele\_Ike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/df788c/32.png) [@Ukulele\_Ike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ukulele_Ike)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2018, 2:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/alright-this-is-how-my-hamburger-s-should-be/822737/106 "2018-10-12T02:13:46Z")
> [@Chefguy](#): > > I’m now a fan of smash burgers, wherein you take a ball of ground and whack it good with a heavy skillet so it’s about 1/4"-3/8" thick. Flash fry it for about two minutes on a side and you have a nicely crisp, juicy, medium-rare burger. I had my first “smash burger” a couple years ago at Fatso’s, just off Chicago Ave in Chicago. It was fantastic, just the right combo of outer crust and pink inside. Have not tried it at home yet, though. I like a cheapo hamburger bun, because I don’t want too much bread around my hamburger. I’ve tried kaiser rolls and bulkie rolls and all the rest…too much damn bread. ---
**Author:** ![Ukulele\_Ike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/df788c/32.png) [@Ukulele\_Ike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ukulele_Ike)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2018, 2:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/alright-this-is-how-my-hamburger-s-should-be/822737/107 "2018-10-12T02:19:27Z")
And if you’ve never had your hamburger collapse in your lap, you’re a better man than I am. Or maybe your burgers just aren’t juicy enough. ---
**Author:** ![Sloe\_Moe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8797f3/32.png) [@Sloe\_Moe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sloe_Moe)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2018, 2:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/alright-this-is-how-my-hamburger-s-should-be/822737/108 "2018-10-12T02:37:02Z")
Soggy burger? Just turn it over, or eat it edge up. Ah, the science of it. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2018, 2:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/alright-this-is-how-my-hamburger-s-should-be/822737/109 "2018-10-12T02:49:05Z")
> [@Sloe\_Moe](#): > > Soggy burger? Just turn it over, or eat it edge up. Ah, the science of it. Some NPR nerd show mentioned this, said some Japanese scientists had proven that eating your burger upside-down was the most structurally sound way to eat a burger. It’s hard for me to imagine a more ridiculous sentence than that, but ever since I’ve eaten my burgers upside-down. ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2018, 3:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/alright-this-is-how-my-hamburger-s-should-be/822737/110 "2018-10-12T03:02:24Z")
> [@Ukulele\_Ike](#): > > I had my first “smash burger” a couple years ago at Fatso’s, just off Chicago Ave in Chicago. It was fantastic, just the right combo of outer crust and pink inside. Have not tried it at home yet, though. > > I like a cheapo hamburger bun, because I don’t want too much bread around my hamburger. I’ve tried kaiser rolls and bulkie rolls and all the rest…too much damn bread. Fatso’s is one of my favorites in the city, and one of the places where you have the choice of grilled or griddled, and I pick griddled every time! (Though they didn’t always have the choice. It used to be char only there.) Their food is top notch. They have a decent shrimp po boy there, too. ---
**Author:** ![zoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zoid/32/336_2.png) [@zoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zoid)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2018, 1:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/alright-this-is-how-my-hamburger-s-should-be/822737/111 "2018-10-12T13:26:11Z")
> [@Ukulele\_Ike](#): > > I had my first “smash burger” a couple years ago at Fatso’s, just off Chicago Ave in Chicago. It was fantastic, just the right combo of outer crust and pink inside. Have not tried it at home yet, though. **pulykamell** will back me up on this (_zoid flashes LTH gang sign_) but Fatso’s is kind of a legend among those in the know in Chicago ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2018, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/alright-this-is-how-my-hamburger-s-should-be/822737/112 "2018-10-12T14:29:36Z")
> [@zoid](#): > > **pulykamell** will back me up on this (_zoid flashes LTH gang sign_) but Fatso’s is kind of a legend among those in the know in Chicago Back from when it was still known as Phils! (RIP, Phil. He passed away from brain cancer four years ago, but his food and spirit live on, just as good as when he was around.) ---
**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2018, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/alright-this-is-how-my-hamburger-s-should-be/822737/113 "2018-10-12T16:14:54Z")
> [@Ukulele\_Ike](#): > > Lettuce adds nothing to the experience. This statement is crazy-talk. However, only iceburg lettuce\* is appropriate for a burger for the crunch and mild sweetness it imparts. Any other lettuce-and the more fru-fru the lettuce, the less appropriate for burgers it is. A mix of arugula, butter lettuce and frisee may make a wonderful salad, but they’re gross on a burger. \*Unfairly maligned–it has a sweet, mild taste and a wonderful crunch ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2018, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/alright-this-is-how-my-hamburger-s-should-be/822737/114 "2018-10-12T16:51:22Z")
> [@Fenris](#): > > This statement is crazy-talk. > > However, only iceburg lettuce\* is appropriate for a burger for the crunch and mild sweetness it imparts. Any other lettuce-and the more fru-fru the lettuce, the less appropriate for burgers it is. A mix of arugula, butter lettuce and frisee may make a wonderful salad, but they’re gross on a burger. > \*Unfairly maligned–it has a sweet, mild taste and a wonderful crunch Yeah, when I do lettuce on a burger, that’s pretty much the only one that’ll do, although I have been known to use the crispier lower parts of heart of romaine, which have a similar sort of crispness and refreshing quality to them. ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2018, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/alright-this-is-how-my-hamburger-s-should-be/822737/115 "2018-10-12T17:34:48Z")
> [@Fenris](#): > > However, only iceburg lettuce\* is appropriate for a burger for the crunch and mild sweetness it imparts. Any other lettuce-and the more fru-fru the lettuce, the less appropriate for burgers it is. Agreed. Iceberg is also the ideal lettuce for BLTs, AFAIAC. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2018, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/alright-this-is-how-my-hamburger-s-should-be/822737/116 "2018-10-12T19:03:54Z")
I’m a little more accommodating of lettuce. I think Romaine is great on a burger: it’s less crunchy, but it’s still pretty substantive, and the green flavor it adds is a nice contrast. Butter lettuce is fine, too. But frisee would be terrible on a burger, and arugula tastes like someone rubber-cemented some old roadkill back together, so it’s terrible anywhere. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/alright-this-is-how-my-hamburger-s-should-be/822737.md?page=5)