# Am I a bad person for doing this? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 1, 2018, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-a-bad-person-for-doing-this/817109 "2018-07-01T19:39:20Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 16\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Dingbang](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ac8455/32.png) [@Dingbang](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dingbang)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2018, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-a-bad-person-for-doing-this/817109/41 "2018-07-03T15:18:59Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > Or to put it another way, would you rather look back on the memory of a Broadway show together or a few extra months of not driving around in a car covered with plastic and duct tape? 2068, you both in rocking chairs and holding hands: “Remember that time you bought us Broadway tickets when you couldn’t even afford to fix your broken car window? My first Broadway show! Boy, we had such a great time. I still remember that show and how excited you were. That was so sweet of you. Hard times back then, huh? But we still had fun.” OR “Remember when you fixed the window on your car fifty years ago? You were very responsible.” ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2018, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-a-bad-person-for-doing-this/817109/42 "2018-07-03T19:37:14Z")
> [@Grrr](#): > > Reminds me of the time I spent $100 on roses for my ex and her response was: “You could have donated that money to charity”. You should have replied “Oh but dear, I did! All proceeds from the purchase of these flowers went to the GGLF\*!” [sub]\*Get Grrr! Laid Fund[/sub] > [@Dingbang](#): > > 2068, you both in rocking chairs and holding hands: > > “Remember that time you bought us Broadway tickets when you couldn’t even afford to fix your broken car window? My first Broadway show! Boy, we had such a great time. I still remember that show and how excited you were. That was so sweet of you. Hard times back then, huh? But we still had fun.” > > OR > > “Remember when you fixed the window on your car fifty years ago? You were very responsible.” Heh, yup. ---
**Author:** ![lost4life](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c4cdca/32.png) [@lost4life](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lost4life)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2018, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-a-bad-person-for-doing-this/817109/43 "2018-07-03T19:51:25Z")
Did I miss it, or has no one asked what play? I have to know! ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [July 3, 2018, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-a-bad-person-for-doing-this/817109/44 "2018-07-03T23:51:56Z")
> [@lost4life](#): > > Did I miss it, or has no one asked what play? I have to know! Rear Window ---
**Author:** ![Nayna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ebca7d/32.png) [@Nayna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nayna)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2018, 3:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-a-bad-person-for-doing-this/817109/45 "2018-07-04T03:10:36Z")
I’d feel really sad and embarrassed that you rejected the gift, and then I’d feel really pissed off that I was responsible for selling the tickets that I didn’t want to sell. And if I couldn’t sell them, I certainly wouldn’t go to the show with you. I believe you meant well, but I think it was a major misstep. I probably wouldn’t immediately break up with you, but I’d definitely feel off for a while. The whole thing just feels very condescending. ---
**Author:** ![K364](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/k364/32/5_2.png) [@K364](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/K364)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2018, 4:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-a-bad-person-for-doing-this/817109/46 "2018-07-04T04:35:20Z")
> [@Twoflower](#): > > Go to the play, and buy her a rear window. This. Everybody wins. ---
**Author:** ![K364](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/k364/32/5_2.png) [@K364](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/K364)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2018, 4:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-a-bad-person-for-doing-this/817109/47 "2018-07-04T04:39:27Z")
ps. If you know what “play” (I suspect “show”) you are going to, then listen to the soundtrack a few times first before you go. If you are like me, it has to sink in before you can enjoy it. ---
**Author:** ![septimus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/septimus/32/410_2.png) [@septimus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/septimus)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2018, 11:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-a-bad-person-for-doing-this/817109/48 "2018-07-04T11:15:05Z")
> [@Twoflower](#): > > Go to the play, and buy her a rear window. Yes … even if it meant going into debt. [Read the (pdf) story of Della and Jim](https://americanenglish.state.gov/files/ae/resource_files/1-the_gift_of_the_magi_0.pdf). > [@](#): > > … > Each sold the most valuable thing he owned in order to buy a gift for the other. But let me speak a last word to the wise of these days: Of all who give gifts, these two were the most wise. Of all who give and receive gifts, such as they are the most wise. Everywhere they are the wise ones. They are the magi. ---
**Author:** ![Sveltington](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3ab097/32.png) [@Sveltington](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sveltington)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2018, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-a-bad-person-for-doing-this/817109/49 "2018-07-04T17:38:56Z")
> [@Helena330](#): > > No. Her feelings are hurt and it’s likely she’s re-evaluating the relationship. She wanted to do something nice for the OP and he threw it in her face. If the relationship ends over what he did he is better off without her ---
**Author:** ![steadicam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d6d6ee/32.png) [@steadicam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/steadicam)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2018, 11:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-a-bad-person-for-doing-this/817109/50 "2018-07-05T11:37:55Z")
> [@Sveltington](#): > > If the relationship ends over what he did he is better off without her I concur. People here have made good points for both sides. But I, like you, detest when people spend a pile of money on me when they cant afford it. I feel obligated and it makes me worry about their judgment. If she was flush then, different story. ---
**Author:** ![Mtgman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b5a626/32.png) [@Mtgman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mtgman)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2018, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-a-bad-person-for-doing-this/817109/51 "2018-07-05T15:58:11Z")
> [@Sveltington](#): > > If the relationship ends over what he did he is better off without her I agree, but with a bit of a twist. He mentioned refusing a gift of an iPad from his parents for Christmas one year as well. Odds are his parents weren’t driving around with busted rear windows. This seems to be something that’s very important to him. The price of things and the feeling of guilt at receiving an expensive gift. I’m not judging if that’s right or wrong, but it’s clearly a mismatch with his new GF’s feelings. So if they can’t communicate and come to a mutual understanding and respect for each other’s feelings on this topic then yes, they’d both be better off with other partners. Enjoy, Steven ---
**Author:** ![Corry\_El](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ecae2f/32.png) [@Corry\_El](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Corry_El)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2018, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-a-bad-person-for-doing-this/817109/52 "2018-07-05T16:28:32Z")
> [@Lizard](#): > > She’s my girlfriend, not my wife, and > > _ **I** _ could hardly afford to fix her car, either! > > (If there’s a misunderstanding about how close we are, we don’t live together, and have only been dating a few months.) The misunderstanding could come from the fact that you originally presented it as mainly something you were doing for her, rejecting the gift because it would delay fixing her car. The way somebody might mainly think of it with someone with whom they are close. Although in fairness you did also specifically note you don’t like expensive gifts in general and gave an example where you rejected one even from your parents. But your clarification makes it seem more firmly in the category of somebody not close to you giving you a gift they can barely afford (imagine in the extreme if it was after one or two dates not a few months of dating). The feeling that the person is trying to force a relationship closer by giving expensive (relative to means) gifts. Again if the degree of closeness is low enough, that can be inappropriate on its own without any broken car window. It doesn’t seem as much about whether you’re a good guy to think of her car window. Not that it makes you a bad guy to be uncomfortable with it. ---
**Author:** ![Sveltington](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3ab097/32.png) [@Sveltington](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sveltington)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2018, 2:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-a-bad-person-for-doing-this/817109/53 "2018-07-06T14:10:03Z")
Just an add. I am not cool with being given gifts other than for my Birthday or Christmas and only from friends of family members. However as to dating, except for the first boy I dated when I was 16, I have always gone Dutch. It was never a Women,s Lib thing. It was always a we are both working why should you pay all thing. Later as I got older my answer was "Well at least now you’ll know that if we sleep together at the end of the night, it will be because I want to, not due to some feeling of obligation. ---
**Author:** ![DSeid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dseid/32/20194_2.png) [@DSeid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DSeid)\ **Post date:** [July 6, 2018, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-a-bad-person-for-doing-this/817109/54 "2018-07-06T15:04:45Z")
I’d also be uncomfortable accepting a gift of something that costs more than I’d spend on myself for an extravagance (and/or that I’d spend on the other person as a gift) even if I felt that person could easily afford it. I get that swallowing that discomfort is sometimes necessary to allow the other person the “joy of giving” and that taking away that joy to avoid your own discomfort can be a bit selfish… not sure that this is one of those times. Accepting the present of that magnitude when it makes him very uncomfortable to do so (not only because he knows she really cannot afford it) would be giving her a very big gift, a bigger gift than the present is. Asking for that big of a gift from him at this point in a relationship is a bit much. ---
**Author:** ![robardin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/43a26b/32.png) [@robardin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/robardin)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2018, 1:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-a-bad-person-for-doing-this/817109/55 "2018-07-08T13:47:50Z")
> [@lost4life](#): > > Did I miss it, or has no one asked what play? I have to know! Not just out of idle curiosity, either. Unless it’s a crazy popular show that sells out every night, that you had to get face value tickets far in advance, you may well find it hard not to sell at a loss, since most of the secondary market is online and charge hefty fees.And for non-sellout shows, competing with increasingly discounted tickets as the show date nears. In other words, not accepting the gift and saying “sell the tickets and fix your car” is likely both an act of rejection, and telling her to eat $50-100 to make you happier. I agree the big secret gift was awkward to you and maybe going too far, too fast on that front, but if the money really is tight, having her eat a chunk of it in the end would be even worse feeling. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2018, 11:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-a-bad-person-for-doing-this/817109/56 "2018-07-09T11:40:03Z")
> [@DSeid](#): > > I’d also be uncomfortable accepting a gift of something that costs more than I’d spend on myself for an extravagance \ You have a limit on what you’d spend on yourself for an extravagance? We must define “extravagance” differently. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-a-bad-person-for-doing-this/817109.md?page=2)