# Am I a bastard for helping my friend cheat on his wife with a 17 year old girl? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 19, 2003, 2:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-a-bastard-for-helping-my-friend-cheat-on-his-wife-with-a-17-year-old-girl/219902 "2003-12-19T02:45:51Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![Hamlet](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hamlet/32/2818_2.png) [@Hamlet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hamlet)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2003, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-a-bastard-for-helping-my-friend-cheat-on-his-wife-with-a-17-year-old-girl/219902/141 "2003-12-22T16:12:36Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Gundy \* > \*\*But my boyfriend told me I couldn’t get pregnant if we did it that way! \*\* You know that feeling you get when you’re just kinda browsing the boards not really paying attention, but then some post out of the blue just smacks you in the face with incredible wit and you can’t help but let out a loud bark of laughter (much to the chagrin of co-workers), and only a last second clench stops you from inadvertantly letting a little bit of pee escape? Thanks for that feeling, **Gundy**. ---
**Author:** ![Doomtrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/0ea827/32.png) [@Doomtrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doomtrain)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2003, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-a-bastard-for-helping-my-friend-cheat-on-his-wife-with-a-17-year-old-girl/219902/142 "2003-12-22T16:19:01Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Rashak Mani \* > \*\*Wow seems there is a moral patrol in the US then ? Why not get those Iranian style clerics with sticks to hit those who break the moral codes ? Land of the Free… hmmmpphh… \*\* Very nice, very nice. You almost made a Godwin there. ---
**Author:** ![Gundy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b782af/32.png) [@Gundy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gundy)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2003, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-a-bastard-for-helping-my-friend-cheat-on-his-wife-with-a-17-year-old-girl/219902/143 "2003-12-22T16:56:28Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Hamlet \* > \*\*Thanks for that feeling, **Gundy**. \*\* ::curtsy:: Anything I can do to expose your urinary incontinence, **Hamlet**. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2003, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-a-bastard-for-helping-my-friend-cheat-on-his-wife-with-a-17-year-old-girl/219902/144 "2003-12-22T16:57:45Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Rashak Mani \* > \*\*Wow seems there is a moral patrol in the US then ? Why not get those Iranian style clerics with sticks to hit those who break the moral codes ? Land of the Free… hmmmpphh… \*\* No. There is no moral patrol in the US :rolleyes: There is however, one Doper who has admitted to helping his “friend” hide his infidelity from his wife. We are discussing the morality of such a situation. Get it now? :wally ---
**Author:** ![Missy2U](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/3bc359/32.png) [@Missy2U](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Missy2U)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2003, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-a-bastard-for-helping-my-friend-cheat-on-his-wife-with-a-17-year-old-girl/219902/145 "2003-12-22T17:16:55Z")
> [@](#): > > That’s where my hesitation is. Let’s say that all they’ve done is played kissy-face and nothing ever happens again. Well, for one, I know you don’t believe this. But, nevermind - even if this is the extent of it, he is MARRIED, and is CHEATING. You know better. ---
**Author:** ![Rashak\_Mani](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ea666f/32.png) [@Rashak\_Mani](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rashak_Mani)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2003, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-a-bastard-for-helping-my-friend-cheat-on-his-wife-with-a-17-year-old-girl/219902/146 "2003-12-22T17:51:36Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Baby Fish Mouth \* > \*\ ***Rashak** , no one is advocating beating this guy with a stick. Adultery is not a crime punishable by jail, but it IS legal grounds for divorce. His wife has a right to know and a right to make an informed decision. I can’t help wondering how you would feel if someone that you trusted betrayed you. All of your friends knew about it, gossiped about it behind your back, and no one told you. Would this not bother you in the slightest? \*\* What bothers me is that so many want to dictate what other can or not do without being aware of the circunstances. 17 year old girls are not totally innocent children either… ``` Sorry if I over reacted but it certainly seems like the puritan club here. In another thread a woman said she found out about an adulterous person and if she should have told his wife... and most said no ! Here it seems everyone thinks you should rat on married men because they made a vow ?! Sticking your nose into other people's relationships is a surefire way of creating a lot of angst and suffering. ``` ---
**Author:** ![Sat\_on\_Cookie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/71c47a/32.png) [@Sat\_on\_Cookie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sat_on_Cookie)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2003, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-a-bastard-for-helping-my-friend-cheat-on-his-wife-with-a-17-year-old-girl/219902/147 "2003-12-22T18:35:21Z")
How much more aware do we need to be? He’s married and he’s cheating with a 17 year old. Oh…wait, do you mean that we don’t know what a screaming monster his wife is, because that would make it OK? You are right. There are so many other mitigating factors that could make this _completely_ understandable if not downright, _necessary_ for his sanity. God, are we all dumb. ---
**Author:** ![Iteki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/eada6e/32.png) [@Iteki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Iteki)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2003, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-a-bastard-for-helping-my-friend-cheat-on-his-wife-with-a-17-year-old-girl/219902/148 "2003-12-22T18:43:00Z")
I am kinda curious as to whether there is a Bruce\_Mommy, and how impressed she will be when she finds out that you have been condoning this behaviour. To be honest, if my other half was helping somone cover up an affair it would give rise to some serious questions about their views on fidelity and commitment. I understand that this guy is close as family to you, but I can’t help thinking of this “friends don’t let friends xyz” thing… Part of our responsibility as friends, and family, is to set boundries, to say when somone is stepping out of line. We love our kids, but we punish them when they steal, we love our friends but we tell them exactly what we think of it when they ask us to lie to their wives so they can bang lil-miss barely-legal till 3 in the morning. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2003, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-a-bastard-for-helping-my-friend-cheat-on-his-wife-with-a-17-year-old-girl/219902/149 "2003-12-22T19:03:01Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Rashak Mani \* > \*\*In another thread a woman said she found out about an adulterous person and if she should have told his wife… and most said no ! \*\* I would be curious to see a link to this thread. ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2003, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-a-bastard-for-helping-my-friend-cheat-on-his-wife-with-a-17-year-old-girl/219902/150 "2003-12-22T20:04:31Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Iteki \* > I understand that this guy is close as family to you, but I can’t help thinking of this “friends don’t let friends xyz” thing… Part of our responsibility as friends, and family, is to set boundries, to say when somone is stepping out of line. We love our kids, but we punish them when they steal, we love our friends but we tell them exactly what we think of it when they ask us to lie to their wives so they can bang lil-miss barely-legal till 3 in the morning. I think **Iteki** ’s in the ballpark here. Sometimes our obligation to our friends is to try to rein them in when they seemingly aren’t able to rein themselves in. In this case, **Bruce\_Daddy** , since you’ve already done the ‘come-to-Jesus’ meeting (a phrase I kinda trip over, since coming to Jesus was a _joyful_ thing for me) with Humbert, and he keeps on going back to Lolita despite saying he’s done with her, I’d suggest this: 1. Tell Humbert, flat out, that you aren’t going to lie on his behalf, and that you aren’t going to cover for him anymore. 2. Tell Humbert you’re not going to have anything to do with him that you don’t absolutely _have_ to do, until he stops seeing Lolita; your friendship is in the deep-freeze as long as this continues. But since he’s ‘stopped’ seeing her before, tell him that he’s not out of the woods until you haven’t seen them together for a few weeks. 3. Tell Humbert the ‘not going to cover for him’ means that if Mrs. Humbert says something like, “It was a shame Humbert had to work so late Monday night, but we can really use the money” when you know Humbert was smooching with Lolita on Monday night, then you’re just going to say, “He wasn’t working. Better ask him what he _was_ doing.” And if Mrs. Humbert asks why you’re not hanging with Humbert lately, same deal: “Ask _him_.” 4. If Mrs. Humbert asks _you_, point-blank, what he was doing, you tell her. Or if she asks you why you and Humbert aren’t such big buddies anymore, even _after_ you’ve told her to ask him, you tell her. If she knows something’s going on, but doesn’t want to know what it is (or she knows the truth about what’s going on, but doesn’t want to have to publicly face up to it), she won’t put you on the spot. You clearly aren’t ready to tell Mrs. Humbert yourself, out of the blue, and I can’t say I blame you. But this tells you what you can and should do instead, and tells you when you would really have to tell Mrs. Humbert the truth, and why, despite your reluctance. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2003, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-a-bastard-for-helping-my-friend-cheat-on-his-wife-with-a-17-year-old-girl/219902/151 "2003-12-22T20:15:06Z")
**Rashak Mani** , the person who posted - if I recall correctly - said he did not know the couple well if at all. In that case, I would advocate staying out of it because this person cannot be sure that he or she knew the truth or whether it was condoned. The poster also did not provide more details that I recall, so it is not apparent that the poster was in any way involved in aiding in a coverup. In this case, **Bruce** is friends with at least the husband of the couple, and I would argue that if he is at least friendly with the wife as well, he should do something, even if it’s just telling the husband that he won’t lie for him any longer and that he should knock it off with the teenager. As for the age of the gal he’s cheating with, you’re right that she’s not innocent by any means, but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s violating his marriage vows without his wife knowing. Not everyone accepts open relationships, but if he and his wife had one, that would be OK as long as she knew about it, and apparently regardless of whether they do or they don’t, he’s sneaking around on her. I can see his point of view, if the husband slipped up in his judgement and nothing serious did happen, and if he’s stopped doing anything but is hanging out in the bar with the same old people (including the gal and her mother) to avoid any talk (“Why is Humbert walking out of the room whenever Mrs. Lolita and little Lolita stop by?”), it could get rough if **Bruce** does decide to act. Imagine Humbert’s wiping his brow and thinking whew, glad I wised up there, I nearly screwed up bigtime, when suddenly **Bruce** runs to Mrs. Humbert and suddenly dumps all sorts of “Humbert was telling me to lie to you about where he was a while back, and I know he was with Lolita” stress on her and causes all sorts of upheaval. ---
**Author:** ![Lemur866](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lemur866/32/434_2.png) [@Lemur866](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemur866)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2003, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-a-bastard-for-helping-my-friend-cheat-on-his-wife-with-a-17-year-old-girl/219902/152 "2003-12-22T20:59:19Z")
The thing is, if you do tell the wife, you are pretty much guaranteed to lose your friendship with her, not just the husband. The most likely scenario is that you tell the wife, she and her husband have a screaming fight, and then they work it out and get back together. At which point you will be as welcome as a skunk at a picnic for causing the fight. Never mind that you didn’t cause the problem, you just exposed it. Doesn’t matter, they will still blame you for it. Sure, there’s a small chance that they’ll forgive you. Small. You really have to operate as though it were a given that telling the wife will end your friendship with the whole family. Given that, it might still be worth it. But everyone saying that you have an obligation to tell the wife are assuming that she will be grateful for the information. Maybe she SHOULD be grateful, but I’ll bet you anything she won’t be. And she’ll take out her anger on you. Maybe you’ll have to do it anyway, but you should be prepared for the ugly fallout. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2003, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-a-bastard-for-helping-my-friend-cheat-on-his-wife-with-a-17-year-old-girl/219902/153 "2003-12-22T21:16:02Z")
Avoiding telling the wife just because she might pitch a fit is no reason not to tell her. She has a right to know her husband is screwing around. How she deals with that information is up to her. If she wants to believe her lying husband and consider **BD** a troublemaker, that is her right. But at least she’ll know, and **BD** may be excluded from such a sticky situation in the future by losing their friendship. It’s not easy, I know. But sometimes doing the right thing is hard. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2003, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-a-bastard-for-helping-my-friend-cheat-on-his-wife-with-a-17-year-old-girl/219902/154 "2003-12-22T21:18:24Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by ivylass \* > \*\*that is her right. > > \*\* :smack: _choice_, not right. Wrong word. ---
**Author:** ![cuauhtemoc](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ecb155/32.png) [@cuauhtemoc](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cuauhtemoc)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2003, 9:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-a-bastard-for-helping-my-friend-cheat-on-his-wife-with-a-17-year-old-girl/219902/155 "2003-12-22T21:44:09Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Ferret Herder \* > \*\ ***Rashak Mani** , the person who posted - if I recall correctly - said he did not know the couple well if at all. In that case, I would advocate staying out of it because this person cannot be sure that he or she knew the truth or whether it was condoned. The poster also did not provide more details that I recall, so it is not apparent that the poster was in any way involved in aiding in a coverup. \*\* Are you talking about [this thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&postid=4176190&highlight=cheating#post4176190) started by **diku**? Because I thought **Rashak Mani** was talking about [**Aries28** ’s experiences with her former boss](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&postid=4063688&highlight=cheating#post4063688). In that thread, she admitted to actively lying to protect her (male) boss, a good friend, from being caught cheating on his wife. To her credit, she’s not tearing **BD** to shreds in this thread, maybe because she’s been there and knows what it’s like. But it’s interesting that nobody treated her the way some are treating **Bruce Daddy** in this thread. Only **Diogenes** bothered to suggest that she apologize to the wife of the man she was lying for. Although that was a very different situation. The woman he was cheating with was probably not 17, and the subject of the thread was not “Am I a bastard for lying to protect my cheating boss” - IOW she was not specifically inviting judgement the way **BD** is. I’m not trying to pick on **Aries28** at all, just noticing the difference in reactions. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2003, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-a-bastard-for-helping-my-friend-cheat-on-his-wife-with-a-17-year-old-girl/219902/156 "2003-12-22T21:58:09Z")
Ah, I think you’re right, **cuauthemoc**. I was thinking about the thread by **diku** , but I bet that’s not the case at all. I agree with your assessment of the reasons behind the differences, plus **Aries28** had already tossed the guy out of her life by the time of posting, and was no longer working with him, so it might have seemed more like water under the bridge. The affair seemed like it was over, as well, while this one seems to be quite possibly ongoing. **Aries28** ’s thread got a lot fewer responses than this one too. Maybe more people read this forum, but I suspect the title was the attention-grabbing difference. ---
**Author:** ![Rashak\_Mani](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ea666f/32.png) [@Rashak\_Mani](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rashak_Mani)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2003, 1:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-a-bastard-for-helping-my-friend-cheat-on-his-wife-with-a-17-year-old-girl/219902/157 "2003-12-23T01:07:39Z")
So different situations warrant different judgements of Adultery ? 🙂 ``` So what if she is 17... 17 yr olds can be pretty naughty when they want. ``` ---
**Author:** ![thinksnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thinksnow/32/2849_2.png) [@thinksnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thinksnow)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2003, 2:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-a-bastard-for-helping-my-friend-cheat-on-his-wife-with-a-17-year-old-girl/219902/158 "2003-12-23T02:34:38Z")
Data point: how old is your buddy? ---
**Author:** ![BellaDellaItalia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/fbc32d/32.png) [@BellaDellaItalia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BellaDellaItalia)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2003, 2:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-a-bastard-for-helping-my-friend-cheat-on-his-wife-with-a-17-year-old-girl/219902/159 "2003-12-23T02:38:54Z")
Yes. ---
**Author:** ![liirogue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dbc845/32.png) [@liirogue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/liirogue)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2003, 3:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-a-bastard-for-helping-my-friend-cheat-on-his-wife-with-a-17-year-old-girl/219902/160 "2003-12-23T03:57:11Z")
You’ve been quiet for a while **Bruce**. Got an update for us? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-a-bastard-for-helping-my-friend-cheat-on-his-wife-with-a-17-year-old-girl/219902.md?page=7) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-a-bastard-for-helping-my-friend-cheat-on-his-wife-with-a-17-year-old-girl/219902.md?page=9)