# Am I an ass for loaning this money to a friend? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 11, 2010, 6:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-ass-for-loaning-this-money-to-a-friend/563765 "2010-12-11T06:22:04Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 12\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2010, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-ass-for-loaning-this-money-to-a-friend/563765/21 "2010-12-12T18:52:25Z")
> [@GiantRat](#): > > \ > > **HH** , I’m glad to be a dumbass, if it helps the dude out. I agree with what everyone’s saying, and am hoping for the best. Money ain’t shit; I’d be happy to die poor if I knew that it made a positive impact.\ Well, that’s part of the problem - it’s hard to say if you’re helping him get over a hard bit or enabling him to stay in it. I think time will tell on this one, and I wouldn’t be giving more until I knew what happened to this money. ---
**Author:** ![Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8c91f0/32.png) [@Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bam_Boo_Gut)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2010, 11:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-ass-for-loaning-this-money-to-a-friend/563765/22 "2010-12-12T23:46:38Z")
I’ll second everyone saying send the money to his family/landlord whatever. That way you’ve got his back on those issues, and he can concentrate on his personal problems. Situations like this are always such a gamble. You’re not an ass, you love your friend which is more valuable than the money anyway. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2010, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-ass-for-loaning-this-money-to-a-friend/563765/23 "2010-12-13T17:00:50Z")
If it really is a loan. Put together some short loan document to evidence that he received the money and he intends to pay it back. ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2010, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-ass-for-loaning-this-money-to-a-friend/563765/24 "2010-12-13T18:42:34Z")
Concur with the others that we can’t know if OP is an enabler or not until/unless we know what his friend did with the dough. OP, if this comes up again (and it will, I’m sure) you could consider giving him a paper check made out to his landlord or mechanic, instead of cash. Seems more likely that your gift would then go to the stated recipient instead of to his vices. ---
**Author:** ![Wheelz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wheelz/32/5718_2.png) [@Wheelz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wheelz)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2010, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-ass-for-loaning-this-money-to-a-friend/563765/25 "2010-12-13T19:45:18Z")
You’re not an ass at all. And I think there’s another element here that hasn’t been mentioned. Now that you’ve given him money, even if you never expect to get it back, you’ve now got a tangible stake in your friend’s recovery. This gives you an excuse to keep on his ass about sticking with his treatments and turning himself around. Not that I don’t think you would have anyway, but you’ve literally bought into the situation, and that may help serve as a motivator for both of you. You sound like an excellent friend. Good luck. ---
**Author:** ![GiantRat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e47c2d/32.png) [@GiantRat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GiantRat)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2010, 12:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-ass-for-loaning-this-money-to-a-friend/563765/26 "2010-12-28T12:46:49Z")
Just an update: My friend is still substance-free and gambling free, used the money to fix his vehicle, and all is right with the world in that regard. He’s still a messed-up dude, but things are looking up. Another friend also fronted him some money so that he can stay up on his feet. I’m hoping for the best. Hell, I’d do anything short of selling my soul to help this guy out. I get pissed when folks with both brains and brawn get f’d over by circumstance. ---
**Author:** ![PoorYorick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecccb3/32.png) [@PoorYorick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PoorYorick)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2010, 1:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-ass-for-loaning-this-money-to-a-friend/563765/27 "2010-12-28T13:49:43Z")
My rule of thumb for loaning money to friends: Never loan more than you can afford to lose. And never, never give another loan until the previous loan has been repaid. ---
**Author:** ![Crafter\_Man](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crafter_man/32/458_2.png) [@Crafter\_Man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crafter_Man)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2010, 1:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-ass-for-loaning-this-money-to-a-friend/563765/28 "2010-12-28T13:54:19Z")
> [@GiantRat](#): > > I get pissed when folks with both brains and brawn get f’d over by circumstance. Is it really “circumstance,” or are his problems due to poor decisions he has made? Glad to hear he isn’t gambling or drinking. Not to be a Negative Nancy, but (based on the many people I have known with similar problems) the chances he will remain this way are slim. My advice is to be there to offer him guidance & assistance when needed, but \*not \*give him money. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2010, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-ass-for-loaning-this-money-to-a-friend/563765/29 "2010-12-28T14:55:14Z")
Is it okay if people with only brains _or_ brawn get effed over? 😕 ---
**Author:** ![Mtgman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b5a626/32.png) [@Mtgman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mtgman)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2010, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-ass-for-loaning-this-money-to-a-friend/563765/30 "2010-12-28T20:05:00Z")
For every ten dollars that you send him, write a letter to one of your governmental representatives. Congress, local legislature, state legislature, president, etc. Tell them it’s shameful that this veteran is having to cash in his personal capital and credit with friends to support himself. No one who honorably served and was discharged due to the mental/physical stresses that service subjected him to should be living on handouts. The military knows damn well what kind of shit the people they discharge due to PTSD are going through and the toll it takes on their relationships and lives. There’s a simple lack of political will to help the former servicemen. Pretty much every other developed nation takes care of their veterans better than the US does. Help generate this political will and stop a future generation of servicepeople suffering as your friend is. Steven ---
**Author:** ![Tim\_T-Bonham.net](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/46a35a/32.png) [@Tim\_T-Bonham.net](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tim_T-Bonham.net)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2010, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-ass-for-loaning-this-money-to-a-friend/563765/31 "2010-12-28T21:40:15Z")
> [@Crafter\_Man](#): > > Not to be a Negative Nancy, but (based on the many people I have known with similar problems) the chances he will remain this way are slim. Yes, that’s true. But it doesn’t mean failure and futility. It’s pretty common to have relapses and need additional treatment. Two things I told a friend dealing with this, who was discouraged when he recognized that he needed to go back for treatment again: - _“You spent 30 or 40 years as an alcoholic – you thought a 30-day treatment would undo all that?”_ - "_Your first treatment lasted about 7 months before you had to go back, the second time was over a year, this time it’s been 2-1/2 years. So the trend is in the right direction – you’re getting better for longer each time."_ They seemed to help him deal with it. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [December 29, 2010, 4:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-ass-for-loaning-this-money-to-a-friend/563765/32 "2010-12-29T04:47:26Z")
> [@Mtgman](#): > > For every ten dollars that you send him, write a letter to one of your governmental representatives. Congress, local legislature, state legislature, president, etc. Tell them it’s shameful that this veteran is having to cash in his personal capital and credit with friends to support himself. No one who honorably served and was discharged due to the mental/physical stresses that service subjected him to should be living on handouts. The military knows damn well what kind of shit the people they discharge due to PTSD are going through and the toll it takes on their relationships and lives. There’s a simple lack of political will to help the former servicemen. Pretty much every other developed nation takes care of their veterans better than the US does. Help generate this political will and stop a future generation of servicepeople suffering as your friend is. > > Steven The OP said that he had 100% PTSD benefits. Isn’t this the government supporting him??? Best wishes, hh [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-ass-for-loaning-this-money-to-a-friend/563765.md?page=1)