# Am I an asshole? **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [September 24, 2014, 5:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411 "2014-09-24T05:33:15Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 12:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/21 "2014-09-24T12:54:59Z")
> [@TheChileanBlob](#): > > OP isn’t the asshole. According to him his wife’s first words were “don’t panic, am fine” and that she was “sent” to the ER by the company, and maybe something about blood pressure. Doesn’t sound like an emergency. Sounds more like “it’s just a silly little thing and I’m just letting you know.” A company will cover their asses and send someone to the hospital to be checked out for any minor work mishap. > > And then she says “just a heart attack, no big deal”? Why would you believe her? This is my reading too. ---
**Author:** ![Grey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b782af/32.png) [@Grey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grey)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 1:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/22 "2014-09-24T13:01:37Z")
If only we had some sort of magical device that would let us speak to each other across distances and avoid the ambiguities of writing. She’s scared and you’re nervous; you’re both muddying the waters by trying to say what you want while also trying to frame it in a way that you think the other wants to hear. ---
**Author:** ![cmyk](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmyk/32/3353_2.png) [@cmyk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmyk)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 1:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/23 "2014-09-24T13:01:52Z")
Your relationship sounds about as healthy as her heart. ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 1:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/24 "2014-09-24T13:06:23Z")
> [@Khendrask](#): > > If I got a text message saying “I’m at the ER…” while on the road, I’d start by pulling off the fucking road and dealing with it, not continuing to drive to my ultimate destination to respond. First, the OP (IIUC) was (commendably) not reading his texts _while_ driving, so he didn’t have that opportunity. Second, like other posters, I don’t see “company nurse sent me to ER” as _necessarily_ indicating something’s seriously wrong. My first instinct wouldn’t have been to say “I’m on my way” but first “What happened??” ---
**Author:** ![cmyk](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmyk/32/3353_2.png) [@cmyk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmyk)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 1:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/25 "2014-09-24T13:12:30Z")
> [@HMS\_Irruncible](#): > > Sure the OP was boneheaded (“you want me to come home?”), but beyond that, it seems like she enjoys setting up verbal tests that she knows he’ll fail. The lady’s got some serious weapons-grade passive aggressive interaction patterns there. > > But another piece of advice for all men… long ago I learned that the real meaning of “don’t worry” is actually “come immediately to my assistance, and be not delayed by worry.” Totally this. There’s downright _resentment_ in those texts, and all that passive-aggressive bullshit as it is means it’s not just coming from this one incident. Sounds like you guys have some history in this kind of bullshittery? Feels like she wanted to finally crucify you under circumstances you couldn’t worm out from under. ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 1:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/26 "2014-09-24T13:18:22Z")
> [@Grumman](#): > > I’ve been to the ER before. Once was because of a bloodied nose that looked worse than it was, and once because I fainted at the sight of blood from an incredibly minor injury. If I told someone “Don’t panic, I’m fine, but I’m at the ER” it would be because I was fine despite being at the ER, not because I’m being passive-aggressive. This. Being at the ER doesn’t mean there’s an emergency; it just means it can’t wait until you can schedule an appointment with your regular doctor. Last time I was in the ER, it was because I’d ruptured my Achilles tendon. That was a big deal. The time before that, it was because my son, then 5 years old, had managed to get his finger caught in one of his toys, and we hadn’t been able to extricate it at home. This was not a big deal. There was no danger, but it was a Saturday, and it wouldn’t have worked for him to have the toy on his finger until we could see the pediatrician on Monday. So you don’t drop everything _just_ because someone close to you is in the ER. Whether you do or not depends on the details. But once the word was MRI and nitro, the OP should have dropped everything and been there. Nonetheless, if I were the OP, once the crisis is past, I’d drop this chick like a hot potato. She’s sending out all sorts of mixed messages, and blaming him for failing to sort through them properly - and blaming him for her success in pushing him away. > [@](#): > > And then she says “just a heart attack, no big deal”? Why would you believe her? My attitude is, either you believe your SO about something like this, or you throw in the towel. You don’t stay with someone you can’t trust about something like that. ---
**Author:** ![BobLibDem](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/boblibdem/32/3149_2.png) [@BobLibDem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BobLibDem)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 1:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/27 "2014-09-24T13:18:30Z")
When she was told she was having a heart attack, she should have told the ER staff- “Here’s my husband/SO’s phone number. Please call him and tell him to get here.” Sending cryptic texts seems like an odd thing to do. But when your SO says “I’m having a heart attack”, the correct response is “Which hospital?” followed quickly by “I’m on my way.” ---
**Author:** ![DChord568](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@DChord568](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DChord568)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 1:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/28 "2014-09-24T13:20:12Z")
> [@sandra\_nz](#): > > That was the bit where you were an asshole. Your significant other tells you they are in the ER, the text you send is ‘I’m heading there now, I’ll be there in xx minutes/hours’ > > That was the bit where she was an asshole. This is not a time to be playing games. When you want someone with you and they ask you if you need them, the text you send is ‘Yes, please come. I am at…’. > > In all fairness, as others have mentioned, this was a stressful situation for both of you, so neither was at your best. > > Does she do this at other times? That is, not tell you want she wants from you and then gets pissy when you do the wrong thing? > [@John\_Mace](#): > > You guys need counseling. If you want to stay together, get some counseling. This, and this. No more need be said. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 1:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/29 "2014-09-24T13:23:10Z")
> [@DrFidelius](#): > > The ONLY answer to “I’m at the ER” is “Which hospital??? I’m on my way.” Disagree. Last year I was refinishing a coffee table and managed to splash some polyurathane in my eyes (:rolleyes:). I got my son (who was fifteen) to come with me, got myself to the hospital (I could see fine) to get myself an eye wash. There wasn’t really any reason I needed my husband - it was an eye wash. There are lots of reasons not to rush to the ER because your partner is there. (Heart attack however, is probably not one of them). ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 1:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/30 "2014-09-24T13:32:11Z")
> [@cmyk](#): > > Totally this. There’s downright _resentment_ in those texts, and all that passive-aggressive bullshit as it is means it’s not just coming from this one incident. > > Sounds like you guys have some history in this kind of bullshittery? Feels like she wanted to finally crucify you under circumstances you couldn’t worm out from under. Yeah, not detecting a whole lotta love here. If I sent the initial sequence of texts to my wife, that “don’t panic, am fine, but I’m at the ER, nurse sent me to the ER” part, I don’t expect my wife to drop everything she’s doing and assume I need her right there and then to get to the ER. I would guess she probably wouldn’t, unless I conveyed the information right away that I just suffered a heart attack. ---
**Author:** ![njtt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ecd19e/32.png) [@njtt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/njtt)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 1:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/31 "2014-09-24T13:46:46Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > Your SO is in the ER on nitroglycerin and a supposed heart attack and you’re picking a text fight with her? > > I don’t think this was your finest moment. Excuse me? _He_ picked the fight? :eek: Are you serious? Did you actually read the OP? Or is this just a case of the man is always in the wrong whatever actually happens? > [@](#): > > Her: “Either way no worries got to get work done.” > > Her: "I tell you I am in the ER, and this is what you say, Yeah, fuck you, Stay at work, Fuck you. " That is where it becomes a fight, right between those two messages, and (unless there is a message missing, which you certainly have no evidence for) he is not saying a thing. Maybe he was not quite as sensitive and solicitous as he might have been, and maybe he was foolish to take her at her word, and maybe it is understandable that in the scary circumstances she was in, she got upset enough to pick a fight and start taking things out on him, but to imagine for a moment that _he_ was the one who made it into a fight is fucking insane! ---
**Author:** ![Ravenman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ravenman/32/2929_2.png) [@Ravenman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ravenman)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/32 "2014-09-24T14:15:33Z")
I think it’s perfectly clear that she started off playing a passive-aggressive game of “I’m in the ER, don’t worry about me…” when it is clear to anyone with even a smidgen of a brain that when your SO is in the ER, you leap to offer to go there. It’s just what humans are supposed to do for each other. A basic fucking courtesy. Then the OP falls for it by asking if he should go home (??). I think that’s a pretty damn clear bit of evidence that the OP doesn’t actually care all that much about the SO. Who knows what the hell all the talk about blood pressure and whatnot came from, but I take away that the OP is pretty much done with the SO well before this string of texts, and I bet that the SO is a real charmer in any case. Assigning blame to this mess is like trying to identify which piece of litter makes someone go from “disorganized” to “hoarder.” There isn’t one point where this went wrong, it is the whole thing that is wrong. ---
**Author:** ![Inna\_Minnit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/5f8ce5/32.png) [@Inna\_Minnit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inna_Minnit)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/33 "2014-09-24T14:15:34Z")
My read? She’s a PA bitch. She sounds just like my mom. Obviously she didn’t have a heart attack. They don’t send you home with a heart attack. Nitro doesn’t necessarily mean you are having a heart attack. I have seen them use it to rule out (or in) cardiac issues. Other things.mimic cardiac stuff, panick attacks for one. Women who play the passive agressive guessing game piss me off. If you want him to drop everything and come, you say “I need you here. Please drive safe, but hurry.” ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 2:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/34 "2014-09-24T14:24:41Z")
> [@](#): > > Your SO gets scared. > > Your SO feels a history of being abandoned so she “runs everybody off” before they can leave her in the lurch. > > Sounds like she has trust issues. If you have the energy and patience to keep showing her that you’re there for her, she may eventually be able to react to a crisis without the knee-jerk anger. This, right here, Becky2844 nailed it I think. ---
**Author:** ![overlyverbose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/9dc877/32.png) [@overlyverbose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/overlyverbose)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 2:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/35 "2014-09-24T14:27:09Z")
I agree with the notion that you were both assholes. Though given that your SO was in the midst of an emergency and may well have been scared, I think you might’ve cut her a bit of slack. People don’t always think clearly when they’re scared, so she might’ve been a bit of a bitch, but you could’ve displayed some sort of urgency around her well being. ---
**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 2:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/36 "2014-09-24T14:36:24Z")
I’m so baffled by trying to unpick the conversation in the OP that I think poor communication is a major player in this whole drama. ---
**Author:** ![Lanzy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/74df32/32.png) [@Lanzy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lanzy)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/37 "2014-09-24T14:44:10Z")
Yeah, you were. ---
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/38 "2014-09-24T14:50:56Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > This, right here, Becky2844 nailed it I think. I agree, but we don’t know what happens when the OP needs her to be there for him, or if “it’s all about you” is code for “it will never be about you.” ---
**Author:** ![Cheesesteak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheesesteak/32/3694_2.png) [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/39 "2014-09-24T15:02:12Z")
> [@overlyverbose](#): > > you could’ve displayed some sort of urgency around her well being. When your first communication is “Don’t Panic, I am fine.” you should probably not be surprised if your SO is calm and thinks that you’re generally OK. BTW, for some people “Do you need me to come home?” IS urgency, because when you say Yes, they’ll drop whatever they’re doing and get in the car. ---
**Author:** ![Grumman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/43a26b/32.png) [@Grumman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grumman)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/40 "2014-09-24T15:06:44Z")
> [@Inna\_Minnit](#): > > If you want him to drop everything and come, you say “I need you here. Please drive safe, but hurry.” This. It makes everything much, much easier when people can just take what they are told at face value instead of one or both parties being passive-aggressive. Grumman Amateur negotiator between his idiot mother and idiot father [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411.md?page=3)