# Am I an asshole? **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [September 24, 2014, 5:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411 "2014-09-24T05:33:15Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Norse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/a9adbd/32.png) [@Norse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Norse)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/41 "2014-09-24T15:08:58Z")
> [@Ravenman](#): > > I think it’s perfectly clear that she started off playing a passive-aggressive game of “I’m in the ER, don’t worry about me…” when it is clear to anyone with even a smidgen of a brain that when your SO is in the ER, you leap to offer to go there. It’s just what humans are supposed to do for each other. A basic fucking courtesy. > > Then the OP falls for it by asking if he should go home (??). I think that’s a pretty damn clear bit of evidence that the OP doesn’t actually care all that much about the SO. Well, I guess I, too, am an asshole who doesn’t actually care all that much about my wife. Even if we’ve been happily married for almost a quarter of a century and lived together for a few years before that. Thing is, I’ve always trusted and respected my wife, her intelligence and her judgment. If she tells me she needs me at the ER, I’m going there. I don’t even pause to drop the stuff I’m holding. OTOH, if she just tells me she’s at the ER, I might well be insensitive enough to ask if she needs me there. Because I trust her to actually tell me what she needs instead of expecting me to read her mind. Best regards, An asshole who apparently doesn’t care much about his only partner for more than 25 years. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Second\_Stone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@The\_Second\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Second_Stone)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/42 "2014-09-24T15:27:00Z")
“Relax hon, I paid your life insurance premium two days ago.” That would be classic asshole. You are more run of the mill asshole and got schooled by passive aggressive asshole. Having been in a relationship with a woman who did shit like this for attention, “what do you need from me?” is the response my psychologist recommended. My friends recommended meeting other women and would set me up with suitable other women. ---
**Author:** ![DChord568](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@DChord568](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DChord568)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/43 "2014-09-24T15:42:31Z")
> [@Norse](#): > > Well, I guess I, too, am an asshole who doesn’t actually care all that much about my wife. Even if we’ve been happily married for almost a quarter of a century and lived together for a few years before that. > > Thing is, I’ve always trusted and respected my wife, her intelligence and her judgment. If she tells me she needs me at the ER, I’m going there. I don’t even pause to drop the stuff I’m holding. OTOH, if she just tells me she’s at the ER, I might well be insensitive enough to ask if she needs me there. Because I trust her to actually tell me what she needs instead of expecting me to read her mind. This seems like a good time to quote a line from a random comedian I heard on the radio many years ago that has always stuck with me. I’ve used this at least once before on this board, so apologies if it’s a rerun for some. I’m paraphrasing him, but the gist of his bit was this: > [@](#): > > You know, men and women use language differently. > > For example, if you ask a guy how he’s doing and he says “Fine,” then you figure everything is OK with him. > > But if you ask a woman how she’s doing and she says “Fine,” what she _actually_ means is “I’m really pissed off, and you have to GUESS why!” ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/44 "2014-09-24T15:45:38Z")
> [@njtt](#): > > Excuse me? _He_ picked the fight? :eek: Are you serious? Did you actually read the OP? Or is this just a case of the man is always in the wrong whatever actually happens? So if you disagree with my interpretation it’s because I can’t/didn’t read or I’m a flaming man-hater. Gee. ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/45 "2014-09-24T15:46:19Z")
No, not an asshole. People deal with medical issues differently and only the victim knows how serious it is to them. Its perfectly fine to ask, if she’s already in a hospital, whether she needs her SO to come. He doesn’t know how serious it is, and some people don’t want others worrying around them while they’re in the hospital. Unless the OP is a doctor, there’s no reason for him to be around the hospital while she’s getting tests. He’ll only be in the way. Its right for him to ask if she needs him ---
**Author:** ![Dogzilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@Dogzilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogzilla)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/46 "2014-09-24T15:52:24Z")
But why would you ask if she wants you to go home when she is not there? I don’t understand how that’s supposed to be supportive. “I’m in the ER for an emergency!” “So should I go some other place then?” I don’t get it. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/47 "2014-09-24T15:52:56Z")
> [@Khendrask](#): > > If I got a text message saying “I’m at the ER…” while on the road, I’d start by pulling off the fucking road and dealing with it, not continuing to drive to my ultimate destination to respond. This. > [@Khendrask](#): > > In answer to your subject, Yes. I’m not going to go that far. Maybe. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 3:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/48 "2014-09-24T15:55:13Z")
My take: > [@](#): > > Her “Tried calling, going for MRI and Nitroglyceryn in a bit.” > > ME’ “Just got to XXXXXXX, need me to come home?” > I just got there and saw those texts. The driving thing… > > Her: “Just a heart attack, sure it will be fine, no worries.” > > ME: “You said blood pressure.” She’s clearly upset, is being sent for tests and Nitro (clearly everything is NOT fine, even if there’s no cause for panic) and our OP starts quibbling about what she said before. Obviously her text isn’t the best, but she’s having a _heart attack_ and is scared. Rather than debating who said what, I would think the response would be- OP: Heart attack! I didn’t realize! I’ll be right there! So now, rather than getting it that she’s scared, sick and upset, he’s more worried about making sure she knows he was justified in his initial, calmer response. So, yeah. I feel given the specific circumstance he was picking on her words rather than hearing what she’s telling him. No man-hating involved. Just not his finest moment and he could’ve responded way better. > [@Orville\_mogul](#): > > And if she was having a medical emergency, why did she text and not phone? One of her early texts did say she tried calling. ---
**Author:** ![Strainger](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/strainger/32/244_2.png) [@Strainger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Strainger)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/49 "2014-09-24T15:56:25Z")
> [@bubba\_jr](#): > > Every single fucking time. I’m there, or I was there 100%, but being told to go fuck my self every single fucking time something happens is getting old. If something sucks, she has to make it suck 10X more. Why are you even with her? Dump her ass. This is no way to go through life. ---
**Author:** ![Ravenman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ravenman/32/2929_2.png) [@Ravenman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ravenman)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/50 "2014-09-24T15:56:57Z")
> [@Norse](#): > > Well, I guess I, too, am an asshole who doesn’t actually care all that much about my wife. Even if we’ve been happily married for almost a quarter of a century and lived together for a few years before that. > > Thing is, I’ve always trusted and respected my wife, her intelligence and her judgment. If she tells me she needs me at the ER, I’m going there. I don’t even pause to drop the stuff I’m holding. OTOH, if she just tells me she’s at the ER, **I might well be insensitive enough to ask if she needs me there**. Because I trust her to actually tell me what she needs instead of expecting me to read her mind. > > Best regards, > An asshole who apparently doesn’t care much about his only partner for more than 25 years. You may or may not be an asshole, but you are probably not the smartest guy in the world. Because if you had actually read my post, you would see quite plainly that I typed: “…it is clear to anyone with even a smidgen of a brain that when your SO is in the ER, you leap **to offer** to go there.” As opposed to, “Oh, you’re in the ER… should I meet you at home?” So, let’s recap in simple words so you can follow. Me: “If your SO ends up in the ER, even an idiot would know to offer to go there.” You: “If my SO ends up in the ER and says it isn’t a big deal, I would offer to go there. How dare you call me an asshole!” Do you have some sort of insecurity issue or something? Or is it really that you just didn’t pay attention to what you were reading? ---
**Author:** ![Cheesesteak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheesesteak/32/3694_2.png) [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/51 "2014-09-24T16:01:24Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > She’s clearly upset, How do you figure that? Her: “Don’t panic, am fine, but I’m at the ER, company nurse sent me to ER.” Her “Tried calling, going for MRI and Nitroglyceryn in a bit.” Her: “Just a heart attack, sure it will be fine, no worries.” I’m seeing, Not Upset, Not Upset, Passive Aggressive Attack. The OP is saying “Whoa there on the attack, you didn’t say anything about a heart attack, you said you were fine and not to panic.” at which point she comes back with " Yeah, fuck you, Stay at work, Fuck you. " ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/52 "2014-09-24T16:05:25Z")
> [@Cheesesteak](#): > > How do you figure that? > > Her: “Don’t panic, am fine, but I’m at the ER, company nurse sent me to ER.” > > Her “Tried calling, going for MRI and Nitroglyceryn in a bit.” > > Her: “Just a heart attack, sure it will be fine, no worries.” > > I’m seeing, Not Upset, Not Upset, Passive Aggressive Attack. > > The OP is saying “Whoa there on the attack, you didn’t say anything about a heart attack, you said you were fine and not to panic.” at which point she comes back with " Yeah, fuck you, Stay at work, Fuck you. " I guess it’s just a matter of know your mate. If my wife sent me that first two series of texts, I would absolutely take them at face value, because, well, because that’s who she is. She doesn’t pull that sort of “read my mind” passive aggressive bullshit. My last SO, though, I’d know enough to understand that it means “drop everything, get here right now,” because, well, that was her communication style. ---
**Author:** ![epbrown01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7ba0ec/32.png) [@epbrown01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/epbrown01)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/53 "2014-09-24T16:06:39Z")
> [@DrFidelius](#): > > The ONLY answer to “I’m at the ER” is “Which hospital??? I’m on my way.” ^This. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/54 "2014-09-24T16:07:28Z")
> [@Cheesesteak](#): > > How do you figure that? > > Her: “Don’t panic, am fine, but I’m at the ER, company nurse sent me to ER.” > > Her “Tried calling, going for MRI and Nitroglyceryn in a bit.” > > Her: “Just a heart attack, sure it will be fine, no worries.” > > I’m seeing, Not Upset, Not Upset, Passive Aggressive Attack. > > The OP is saying “Whoa there on the attack, you didn’t say anything about a heart attack, you said you were fine and not to panic.” at which point she comes back with " Yeah, fuck you, Stay at work, Fuck you. " She updated with MRI and Nitro- indications that things weren’t fine. Her PA response (which I acknowledge wasn’t a great text) was _because_ she’s upset. That’s the point- People aren’t at their best in an ER, undergoing tests and trying to reach someone who isn’t picking up the phone or getting texts (even for legit reasons). She wasn’t as nice as she should be, but she’s the one having the crisis. If my husband texted me that he was in the ER on nitro and having a heart attack, I would not argue with him or give a shit if his texts were snippy or rude. He’s upset and sick and that’s what I’d care about. Clearly there’s too much history between them for him to cut her any slack in such a situation. That’s why I didn’t call him a horrible person, just said it wasn’t his finest moment. ---
**Author:** ![grude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e47774/32.png) [@grude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/grude)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/55 "2014-09-24T16:08:57Z")
It sounds like your GF/wife is manipulative and passive-aggressive, and you are too literal. I’m the same way, now if my wife is sick I just ask “What do you want me to do? Give me an order.” She gets what she wants and I am happier because I get clear orders. I am assuming this is not the first time something like this has happened right? There is some history there? Cool story bro! follows: When I was in the ER after almost ending up dead, I came to in a room with my wife sitting opposite me looking freaked out and concerned as hell. She was said she saw me blue and not breathing and couldn’t take it, first thing I said to her was where is grude jr., she said he is with my aunt don’t worry about him, and I was like you need to go home now and get him he is probably crying and upset. She was like you almost died he is fine, I was like no he is probably upset and in tears. :smack:Yes it feels silly now, and it turns out he was fine she said when she did come home he was at her aunt’s playing with a toy car and didn’t want to leave. But for whatever reason when revived in the ER all I could think about was our kid crying his eyes out(he was 2 at the time) and the fact I almost died didn’t register. My point is people can be irrational during medical crisis. ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/56 "2014-09-24T16:14:46Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > She updated with MRI and Nitro- indications that things weren’t fine. Actually, on re-read, that second text would have clued me in to something more serious, and I would have gone, but I don’t fault the OP for not picking up on it right away. I very well may have texted back “what happened?” because I assume if it were something really serious, I would have been told so in the first text. Like I said, if I text my wife “I’m at the ER, don’t worry, I’m okay.” I would not at all expect her to drop everything she’s doing based on that info alone. An ER visit is not necessarily a big deal. She probably would assume I’ve cut myself with a kitchen knife or something. Now, the second text, okay, maybe. But, still, if it’s something as serious as a heart attack, that doesn’t get a buried lead if I want her there right then and there. ETA: Of course, the OP should consider his wife’s stress levels at the time and just chalk off the whole exchange to nerves and not really worry about who was the asshole in this situation, but I’m assuming that this is just in a long series of stories like this. ---
**Author:** ![Cheesesteak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheesesteak/32/3694_2.png) [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/57 "2014-09-24T16:15:20Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > Clearly there’s too much history between them for him to cut her any slack in such a situation. That’s why I didn’t call him a horrible person, just said it wasn’t his finest moment. This is fair. ---
**Author:** ![Drunky\_Smurf](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drunky_smurf/32/449_2.png) [@Drunky\_Smurf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drunky_Smurf)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/58 "2014-09-24T16:29:25Z")
> [@Strainger](#): > > Why are you even with her? Dump her ass. This is no way to go through life. This. Divorce her raving psycho ass. ---
**Author:** ![Drunky\_Smurf](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drunky_smurf/32/449_2.png) [@Drunky\_Smurf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drunky_Smurf)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/59 "2014-09-24T16:38:10Z")
n/m d/p ---
**Author:** ![Bozuit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/edb3f5/32.png) [@Bozuit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bozuit)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/60 "2014-09-24T16:43:05Z")
It doesn’t look like you were really being an asshole, maybe just a little naive. Personally, if I were at the ER, I wouldn’t want to be caught between saying nothing to a SO and having a text with an update saying “don’t worry” treated as “EMERGENCY! BE AFRAID AND GET HERE NOW!” I would feel uncomfortable if such a message resulted in someone dropping everything and driving over, and that kind of response is precisely why I often don’t tell people stuff like that. It’s a fucking pain in the arse when people ignore “don’t worry”, and people like OP’s SO are to blame. We have a perfectly good system of communication called language, where words have certain meanings, and I’m all for exploiting it to the full. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411.md?page=4)