# Am I an asshole? **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [September 24, 2014, 5:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411 "2014-09-24T05:33:15Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/61 "2014-09-24T17:13:20Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > My take: > > She’s clearly upset, is being sent for tests and Nitro (clearly everything is NOT fine, even if there’s no cause for panic) and our OP starts quibbling about what she said before. Obviously her text isn’t the best, but she’s having a _heart attack_ and is scared. Yeah, under circumstances like that, I’d be inclined to cut her some slack—except that the OP indicated that this isn’t an isolated incident, but rather a common pattern. The SO didn’t show much caring or concern for **bubba jr** ’s feelings or well-being, which is perhaps excusable in a scary emergency but not as a regular way of relating. > [@bubba\_jr](#): > > Every single fucking time. I’m there, or I was there 100%, but being told to go fuck my self every single fucking time something happens is getting old. If something sucks, she has to make it suck 10X more. If I were playing armchair psychologist, my analysis would be similar to **Becky2844** ’s: she’s insecure, and she’s testing the OP to see if he’ll still be there for her even if she gives him a lot of crap. IMHO, whether this relationship is worth staying in will depend on (1) how much patience and tolerance the OP has for this kind of thing (he seems to be reaching the end of it), (2) whether the insecurity and associated crap seems to be dwindling over time, and (3) whether the OP’s SO is there for _him_ when he needs it, or whether she’s all needy, no giving. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/62 "2014-09-24T17:27:42Z")
So, my read of the OP is this: She gets taken to the ER. Doesn’t think it’s a big deal. Lets the OP know that she’s in the ER, but isn’t thinking it’s a big deal. At the ER, they think it’s a bigger deal than she did. She tries to call the OP. No answer. She’s being taken for testing. The deal is getting bigger. She’s starting to get worried and can’t reach the OP. OP asks if she needs him to come home. This baffles me, as it did others in the thread. By this time, she has learned she had a heart attack. She lashes out at what she (and people in the thread) see as a weird response by the OP. He starts arguing that she said it was no big deal. But, to me, it’s pretty obvious that what she thought was no big deal in the first text was turning into a bigger deal in the second. Obviously, there is some missed detail since “blood pressure” was not in the earlier quoted texts and just sort of shows up. The thing about going to the ER, being SENT to the ER, is that things can escalate quickly. If someone is there for testing, never assume the tests are going to come back negative. And never assume that things that look benign, or benign-ish, will stay that way. So, in my read no one is an asshole, though no one comes through looking stellar. I can very clearly picture what was happening with her in the ER, so I completely get her side. I can’t really get the idea of asking if I should go home after learning someone is in the ER for testing. Testing is never a good sign. But the OP might just be clueless. But don’t argue with people who have just had a heart attack about what they knew when. And if she was in the ER for blood pressure problems? Still bad enough to lead to concern and an offer to be there. ---
**Author:** ![El\_Kabong](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/el_kabong/32/496_2.png) [@El\_Kabong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_Kabong)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/63 "2014-09-24T17:27:19Z")
I don’t have much original to say. In my view, the OP may have been more than a bit tactless and unobservant, but communicating though text doesn’t allow for much nuance and without context as to what their day-to-day relationship is like, I won’t venture much further into this particular drama. One thing though, just speaking for myself here: there is no chance whatever I would continue to maintain a relationship with someone in the routine habit of telling me to go fuck myself anytime they happen to be upset that I didn’t behave exactly the way they expected. ---
**Author:** ![Macca26](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/13edae/32.png) [@Macca26](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Macca26)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/64 "2014-09-24T17:44:37Z")
I’m convinced that these two lines: > [@bubba\_jr](#): > > Her: “Just a heart attack, sure it will be fine, no worries.” > > Her: “Either way no worries got to get work done.” Are fed-up style sarcastic. As in, she’s upset that he isn’t noticing that she’s in the ER and it’s because he’s putting work before her (as usual, maybe). As in, “Oh, he’s more worried about work. AGAIN. Gotta get WORK done. No time for ME.” Anyway, go get counseling. ---
**Author:** ![Astraea](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3e96dc/32.png) [@Astraea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Astraea)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/65 "2014-09-24T18:08:01Z")
Ok am I the ONLY one who thinks the OP meant “Do you want me to come (to you at the ER)” and that writing HOME was just an accident? All the references to that line have been hilarious but for OPs sake I hope he’s not THAT clueless. As a whole, I say get out of the relationship, there is clearly too much hatred built up between you now and because of your actions during this most recent crisis your SO just earned a bunch of new material to bring up during your next and subsequent fights. Protip: be more observant in the future. ---
**Author:** ![Labrador\_Deceiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7c8e57/32.png) [@Labrador\_Deceiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Labrador_Deceiver)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/66 "2014-09-24T18:08:19Z")
> [@Macca26](#): > > I’m convinced that these two lines: > > Are fed-up style sarcastic. As in, she’s upset that he isn’t noticing that she’s in the ER and it’s because he’s putting work before her (as usual, maybe). As in, “Oh, he’s more worried about work. AGAIN. Gotta get WORK done. No time for ME.” > > Anyway, go get counseling. “Pretty sure”? I’m positive that’s what they mean. There is absolutely no doubt that she’s being sarcastic as hell. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/67 "2014-09-24T18:12:48Z")
Maybe go visit her at the hospital and bring her a carton of cigs and a tub of Crisco, each with a stuck-on bow. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/68 "2014-09-24T18:15:44Z")
> [@Astraea](#): > > Ok am I the ONLY one who thinks the OP meant “Do you want me to come (to you at the ER)” and that writing HOME was just an accident? All the references to that line have been hilarious but for OPs sake I hope he’s not THAT clueless. I assumed he meant “Do you want me to come _home_” to mean “Do you want me to come _back_”, back from where ever he was going, assuming the hospital is in their hometown. ---
**Author:** ![Nauplius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nauplius/32/51_2.png) [@Nauplius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nauplius)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/69 "2014-09-24T18:27:55Z")
> [@Astraea](#): > > Ok am I the ONLY one who thinks the OP meant “Do you want me to come (to you at the ER)” and that writing HOME was just an accident? I don’t think it was an accident. The OP already said he works over an hour away from where he lives. To me it seemed like he meant “do you want me to come to our home town?”. EDIT: Or what **IvoryTowerDenizen** said ^ ---
**Author:** ![kstarnes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/4da419/32.png) [@kstarnes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kstarnes)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/70 "2014-09-24T18:53:35Z")
Her: “Just a heart attack, sure it will be fine, no worries.” * * * Upon this, you should’ve responded: “Ok. good. See you later.” and left it at that. That’ll teach her that you don’t respond to mind-games. ---
**Author:** ![Inna\_Minnit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/5f8ce5/32.png) [@Inna\_Minnit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inna_Minnit)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/71 "2014-09-24T19:16:35Z")
I still doubt she had a heart attack. Youjust don’t get sent home. At minimum, you stay for observation. But usually you are going in for an angiogram, etc. what you don’t do is go home. As far as the “come home” remark, I read it as they live in town A he was driving to town B. “Do you want me to come home?” means, do you want me to come home (town A) and join you there? Not should I go where I check my mail. ---
**Author:** ![Ravenman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ravenman/32/2929_2.png) [@Ravenman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ravenman)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/72 "2014-09-24T19:56:10Z")
> [@kstarnes](#): > > Her: “Just a heart attack, sure it will be fine, no worries.” > > * * * > > Upon this, you should’ve responded: “Ok. good. See you later.” > > and left it at that. That’ll teach her that you don’t respond to mind-games. And when his wife kept texting after that response, he could have followed up with something like, “You should really take it easy. Too much stress can be bad for your – uh, nevermind.” ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/73 "2014-09-24T20:13:41Z")
If this isn’t the first time that there’s been a miscommunication, then both parties need to be slapped over the head for relying on texting. Texting is for people who know how both to read between the lines and speak plainly. I know that it wouldn’t be my first inclination to fly in a panic over someone capable of sending multiple texts. ---
**Author:** ![Typo\_Negative](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/typo_negative/32/484_2.png) [@Typo\_Negative](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Negative)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/74 "2014-09-24T20:39:40Z")
It reminds me of this: > [@](#): > > Ross: Okay, for instance. Let’s say, Janice is coming back from a trip and she gives you two options. Option number 1 she’ll take a cab home from the airport. Option 2 is you can meet her at baggage claim. Which do you do? > > Chandler: That’s easy, baggage claim. > > Ross: (buzzes) Wrong! Now you’re single. It’s actually secret option number three, you meet her at the gate. That way she knows you love her. Women, not ALL women, but many women will not say what they mean. If a man is in the ER and his S.O. asks “do you need me to come down there?” and we say “no” and then the S.O. shows up, we are surprised. Because we mean’t what we said. If a woman is in the ER and and the S.O. asks “do you need me to come down there?” and she says “no” and then the S.O. does NOT show up, then the woman is hurt because the S.O. obviously doesn’t care. _THAT BEING SAID_, when the words _Emergency Room_ and _Heart Attack_ are used together in the text, you are supposed to drop what you are doing, leave work early and show up. I am surprised you don’t know that. ---
**Author:** ![Trinopus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/2bfe46/32.png) [@Trinopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trinopus)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/75 "2014-09-24T20:44:02Z")
> [@Inna\_Minnit](#): > > . . . Women who play the passive agressive guessing game piss me off. . . . Why the specificity? Anyone who plays the PA guessing game is pissworthy. It’s a generalized sex-neutral trait. ---
**Author:** ![TheFaerie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c57346/32.png) [@TheFaerie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheFaerie)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/76 "2014-09-24T21:02:21Z")
Hopefully **bubba jr** will be able to come back and help clarify some of our confusion. It seems to me she went from “yeah, don’t worry, it’s okay,” to “fuck you” so quickly that it seems there may be some information missing from **jr’s** story. ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/77 "2014-09-24T21:22:06Z")
I can’t be the only one wondering if **bubba jr.** is now single. Regardless of who said what to whom, or who is or isn’t being an asshole, these two just don’t seem right for each other on a number of levels. Oh, one last thing: if she called and couldn’t reach him, the appropriate next step is for her to **leave a voicemail**. That way he can hear the tone of her voice: is she breezily saying everything is fine with a lighthearted laugh, or is she wheezing and panting and sounds scared? ---
**Author:** ![Labrador\_Deceiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7c8e57/32.png) [@Labrador\_Deceiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Labrador_Deceiver)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 9:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/78 "2014-09-24T21:45:43Z")
> [@TheFaerie](#): > > Hopefully **bubba jr** will be able to come back and help clarify some of our confusion. It seems to me she went from “yeah, don’t worry, it’s okay,” to “fuck you” so quickly that it seems there may be some information missing from **jr’s** story. Again, no it didn’t. She wasn’t saying “it’s okay”. She was being very clearly sarcastic by saying “no big deal, just a little old heart attack. No need to stop whatever super important thing it is that you’re doing.” ---
**Author:** ![Typo\_Negative](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/typo_negative/32/484_2.png) [@Typo\_Negative](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Negative)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/79 "2014-09-24T23:08:16Z")
> [@Labrador\_Deceiver](#): > > Again, no it didn’t. She wasn’t saying “it’s okay”. She was being very clearly sarcastic by saying “no big deal, just a little old heart attack. No need to stop whatever super important thing it is that you’re doing.” I can see that as a possibility, but text is not a good forum for sarcasm. ---
**Author:** ![DingoelGringo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9d8465/32.png) [@DingoelGringo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DingoelGringo)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2014, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411/80 "2014-09-24T23:24:28Z")
> [@bubba\_jr](#): > > FUCK… Its the pit, I can say that… > > I am so pissed. > > Text… > > ``` > Her: "Don't panic, am fine, but I'm at the ER, company nurse sent me to ER." > > ``` > > I was on the road… Driving… > > ``` > Her "Tried calling, going for MRI and Nitroglyceryn in a bit." > > ``` > > ME’ “Just got to XXXXXXX, need me to come home?” > I just got there and saw those texts. The driving thing… > > Her: “Just a heart attack, sure it will be fine, no worries.” > > ME: “You said blood pressure.” > > Her: “Either way no worries got to get work done.” > > Her: "I tell you I am in the ER, and this is what you say, Yeah, fuck you, Stay at work, Fuck you. " > > ME: (knowing how this shit goes) “You say don’t worry, blood pressure. Now fuck me. I was worried, now I’m supposed to go fuck myself.” > > Her: “Yes, this is all about you right now. I’m sitting in the ER where my mom last was hooked up to cables and getting nitro, but yeah, I can handle it. My mistake for bothering you at work. Please go on feeling slighted. I said don’t worry because I thought you might, my bad.” > > ME: “I asked if you needed me to come home… do you want or need me to come home… I don’t know what is going on and you are getting mad.” > > HER: “I would have thought you would have been concerned enough that I, in the ER to not ask that. but I guess it is a long drive and you have work to do, I will be fine on my own. Sorry I bothered you, Won’t happen again.” > > Me: (SUPER PISSED AT THIS POINT) “I failed mind reading in college.” > > HER: “Yep, Sorry, forgot this was all about you. Whatever, I don’t need you, so go back to work.” > > An hour later… I went home to where we both live… Big distances out here… > > ME: “I dropped the dog off, where do you want me to go?” > > Her: “I don’t care where you go. You should have stayed at work. I can take care of myself.” > I am so pissed off… I would have been there in half a second, and she knows this, but every time a crisis comes up… She has to start a fight… > > Maybe I should have said “I’ll be there as soon as I can get there” My words weren’t proper. Now she is super pissed at me… Its the same exact thing everytime there is a crisis, treat eveybody that you need for support like absolute > garbage… Then bitch about it… > “I thought I could count on you!!!”. > “You told me to go FUCK myself and you could deal with it yourself” > “Fuck you” > > Every single fucking time. I’m there, or I was there 100%, but being told to go fuck my self every single fucking time something happens is getting old. If something sucks, she has to make it suck 10X more. You are a bit confusing. If she said she is in the ER why do you ask if you should go home? What reaction could there possibly except to get directly to the ER? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-an-asshole/699411.md?page=5)