# Am I asexual or just a normal woman? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 12, 2011, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-asexual-or-just-a-normal-woman/574427 "2011-03-12T17:32:44Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![lavenderviolet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/cdc98d/32.png) [@lavenderviolet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lavenderviolet)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2011, 5:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-asexual-or-just-a-normal-woman/574427/41 "2011-03-13T05:14:37Z")
> [@xoferew](#): > > I panic at the thought of someone wanting sex from me, I don’t know why. I would like to have a life partner but I fear that almost any guy would lose interest in me when he realized that. Even if it was a patient guy and I wanted to try with him, I would be so awkward it would be really embarrassing. Anyone know a website for meeting like-minded people? I’ve toyed with the idea of looking into Christian dating sites (I’m somewhat religious.) You sound like a very shy person rather than an asexual. I don’t think that should stop you from trying to find someone. If you meet enough people, you’ll find someone who is understanding about it. I’m quite introverted myself, and it took a few years of concerted effort on the dating scene to find someone who really understood me, but I did end up meeting a boyfriend who is very accepting of my quirks and my introversion. 🙂 It might be best if you try going to local Meetups or something like that first just to make friends so there isn’t as much pressure for instant sexual chemistry as there can sometimes be in dating situations. I’d try searching meetup in your area for groups for shy/“sensitive”/introverted folks or any other interests that you have. ---
**Author:** ![KarlGrenze](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/dbc845/32.png) [@KarlGrenze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KarlGrenze)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2011, 11:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-asexual-or-just-a-normal-woman/574427/42 "2011-03-13T11:08:06Z")
[hijack] I’ve been following the thread, but with nothing of pertaining to it to discuss or add. Except… There is a word (in Portuguese, natch) for the “pass fingers through hair and it feels nice”, cafuné. **lavender** , if you speak Spanish, the pronunciation is the same. I’ve borrowed it for use. For others, cafuné… KAH - FU (as in the Chinese name) or FOO - NEH (the sound at the beginning of the word neigh) [/hijack] ---
**Author:** ![ruadh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/d2c977/32.png) [@ruadh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ruadh)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2011, 11:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-asexual-or-just-a-normal-woman/574427/43 "2011-03-13T11:29:31Z")
> [@turtledove\_river](#): > > Because from what I understand, women don’t love sex as much as men do, that they only really enjoy it if it is with someone the truly love. I can’t believe nobody’s commented on this yet. There are undoubtedly women for whom this is true, but it is by **no** means true as a rule. Not for me or for any of my close female friends, anyway. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2011, 12:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-asexual-or-just-a-normal-woman/574427/44 "2011-03-13T12:00:11Z")
I think you guys are being a little bit over accepting. Yes, there _can_ be nothing wrong with a low to non-existent drive, but it can also be a symptom of something else. Even if you are happy without sex, you might be unhappy with some sort of biological problem of which lack of sex drive is just one symptom. In other words, get yourself tested. If you don’t have a medical problem, then all the advice in this thread applies. I’d particularly listen to **monstro** , as I believe she has talked about the same situation before in herself. ---
**Author:** ![Acid\_Lamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Acid\_Lamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acid_Lamp)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2011, 1:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-asexual-or-just-a-normal-woman/574427/45 "2011-03-13T13:00:40Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > I think you guys are being a little bit over accepting. Yes, there _can_ be nothing wrong with a low to non-existent drive, but it can also be a symptom of something else. Even if you are happy without sex, you might be unhappy with some sort of biological problem of which lack of sex drive is just one symptom. > > In other words, get yourself tested. If you don’t have a medical problem, then all the advice in this thread applies. I’d particularly listen to **monstro** , as I believe she has talked about the same situation before in herself. Agreed. We tend to use a very broad definition of “normal” here in an effort to try to be as inclusive as possible. If you define normal as that which encompasses the majority on a scale that ranges from “little to no interest in sex” to “compulsive nymphomaniac” Then our OP is not “normal” as defined by the vast majority of standards. I would suggest getting checked out just to be certain there isn’t a hormonal imbalance, physical abnormality, depression, or some other unknown symptom. If everything checks out then you are simply an outlier though I would suggest you purchase a vibrator and explore yourself a bit. Masturbation is just about one of the only physically pleasurable things that has basically no ill consequences. Having never engaged in it makes me raise an eyebrow. I’m inclined to believe that that self reporting of 30% of women never engaging in it is skewed. ---
**Author:** ![xoferew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/e9a140/32.png) [@xoferew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xoferew)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2011, 1:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-asexual-or-just-a-normal-woman/574427/46 "2011-03-13T13:46:16Z")
> [@lavenderviolet](#): > > You sound like a very shy person rather than an asexual. I don’t think that should stop you from trying to find someone. If you meet enough people, you’ll find someone who is understanding about it. I’m quite introverted myself, and it took a few years of concerted effort on the dating scene to find someone who really understood me, but I did end up meeting a boyfriend who is very accepting of my quirks and my introversion. 🙂 > It might be best if you try going to local Meetups or something like that first just to make friends so there isn’t as much pressure for instant sexual chemistry as there can sometimes be in dating situations. I’d try searching meetup in your area for groups for shy/“sensitive”/introverted folks or any other interests that you have. Hm, I think I’m a private person more than a shy person. I’m quite comfortable speaking in front of large groups, for example. I am doing Meetups and I agree it’s a great resource. I just fear that my resistance to sexual advances isn’t something to comfortably bring up when just meeting someone, and if it comes out later it feels like I lured someone with false advertising. Thanks for the advice though – I hadn’t looked for a meetup specifically for introverts. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2011, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-asexual-or-just-a-normal-woman/574427/47 "2011-03-13T15:45:14Z")
> [@Acid\_Lamp](#): > > Having never engaged in it makes me raise an eyebrow. I’m inclined to believe that that self reporting of 30% of women never engaging in it is skewed. It’s probably somewhat skewed, but not nearly so much as you might think. Women have been socialized to think about our genitals and masturbation in a very, very different way than men do. Many women view the vagina as a dirty place full of stink and grossness, or masturbation as the last resort of the unfuckable and desperate. Would _you_ stick your hand in some stinky, dripping place of foulness and declare yourself unfuckable and desperate? ---
**Author:** ![Acid\_Lamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Acid\_Lamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acid_Lamp)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2011, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-asexual-or-just-a-normal-woman/574427/48 "2011-03-13T15:48:29Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > It’s probably somewhat skewed, but not nearly so much as you might think. Women have been socialized to think about our genitals and masturbation in a very, very different way than men do. Many women view the vagina as a dirty place full of stink and grossness, or masturbation as the last resort of the unfuckable and desperate. Would _you_ stick your hand in some stinky, dripping place of foulness and declare yourself unfuckable and desperate? If it got me off then sure. 😉 Then again i’m male. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2011, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-asexual-or-just-a-normal-woman/574427/49 "2011-03-13T15:50:00Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > It’s probably somewhat skewed, but not nearly so much as you might think. Women have been socialized to think about our genitals and masturbation in a very, very different way than men do. Many women view the vagina as a dirty place full of stink and grossness, or masturbation as the last resort of the unfuckable and desperate. Would _you_ stick your hand in some stinky, dripping place of foulness and declare yourself unfuckable and desperate? I agree with this, but also simply consider the placement. For baby girls, there’s nothing really there to grab onto when the diaper comes off. For boys, it’s front and center, and little grasping hands have something to grasp! And the grasp feels good, so it’s repeated, and eventually that leads pretty directly to masturbation from exploration. Girls’ exploration isn’t as likely to result in immediately good feelings, so masturbation is delayed or never achieved. Then the socialization stuff kicks in, and parents freak out when their 3 year old girl is masturbating on the couch, while their 3 year old boy gets a laugh and it told to do that in his bedroom, instead. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2011, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-asexual-or-just-a-normal-woman/574427/50 "2011-03-13T16:43:45Z")
Yeah. The anatomical differences that make it harder for a woman to achieve orgasm through run-of-the-mill intercourse explain why fewer women learn to masterbate. Even if you’ve very familiar with your body, it’s not intuitive how to “punch the button”, so to speak, unless you spend a lot of time rutting around down there. That’s why I suggested a vibrator. I know how to achieve orgasm without it, but it’s harder to do (IMHO). And even with a vibrator, it is hard for me. I have to really concentrate on the feelings and not let my mind wander. Though, I imagine if I had a “target” to focus on it would be much easier. Also, it is easier for guys to get aroused because they tend to be visually stimulated more often than women are. Imagine being a twelve-year-old boy. You’re likely going to be set off by all kinds of stimuli, even fairly mild ones (once while I in seventh grade math class, I caught a glimpse of my teacher’s black bra through her short sleeve while she was reaching for something. It triggered nothing in me, but I imagine it might have in a boy). A boy feels that hardness down there and concomitant ache, and, well, they soon learn how to release it. But the female brain isn’t so reactive, in general, and they can make it through adolescence without ever feeling a need for release. It’s more emotional for women than it is for men. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2011, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-asexual-or-just-a-normal-woman/574427/51 "2011-03-13T18:11:00Z")
> [@xoferew](#): > > Hm, I think I’m a private person more than a shy person. I’m quite comfortable speaking in front of large groups, for example. I am doing Meetups and I agree it’s a great resource. I just fear that my resistance to sexual advances isn’t something to comfortably bring up when just meeting someone, and if it comes out later it feels like I lured someone with false advertising. Thanks for the advice though – I hadn’t looked for a meetup specifically for introverts. I think I’d give you this piece of advice: You’re worried about things being awkward and embarrassing and yeah, they can be. But even in the midst of awkwardness and embarrassment if you can learn to laugh at the foolishness and not expect things to be absolutely perfect like a movie you can find that even when things go wrong they are bringing you closer to the person you’re with. It isn’t you _versus_ him or her. It’s you two having fun, in whatever way, together. ---
**Author:** ![carnut](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnut/32/3531_2.png) [@carnut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnut)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2011, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-asexual-or-just-a-normal-woman/574427/52 "2011-03-13T18:33:37Z")
I don’t think your lack of interest in sex is abnormal. I know of several people who appear to be the same. They all seem to lead fairly fulfilling lives. You may want to talk to your doctor about it just the same if you think you might be missing something. Just because the advertising and pharmaceutical worlds keep trying to shove sex at you doesn’t mean you need to participate. You are a fine human being just as you are. ---
**Author:** ![Walmarticus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Walmarticus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Walmarticus)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2011, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-asexual-or-just-a-normal-woman/574427/53 "2011-03-13T21:43:39Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > Even if you are happy without sex, you might be unhappy with some sort of biological problem of which lack of sex drive is just one symptom. Like what? ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2011, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-asexual-or-just-a-normal-woman/574427/54 "2011-03-13T21:53:27Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > It’s probably somewhat skewed, but not nearly so much as you might think. Women have been socialized to think about our genitals and masturbation in a very, very different way than men do. Many women view the vagina as a dirty place full of stink and grossness, or masturbation as the last resort of the unfuckable and desperate. Would _you_ stick your hand in some stinky, dripping place of foulness and declare yourself unfuckable and desperate? But don’t most people start well before that, though? I started around age 3 or 4 before I even knew what a vagina was. (Plus I never use my vagina in masturbation.) I just always knew that it felt good to rub up against my clitoris (though I didn’t know what that word was either) and even when I got older, I couldn’t stop. Even being told that it was wrong or gross–it was like this unstoppable urge. ---
**Author:** ![Jragon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e19b73/32.png) [@Jragon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jragon)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2011, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-asexual-or-just-a-normal-woman/574427/55 "2011-03-13T22:00:19Z")
> [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > But don’t most people start well before that, though? I started around age 3 or 4 before I even knew what a vagina was. (Plus I never use my vagina in masturbation.) I just always knew that it felt good to rub up against my clitoris (though I didn’t know what that word was either) and even when I got older, I couldn’t stop. Even being told that it was wrong or gross–it was like this unstoppable urge. My girlfriend got in trouble a lot for masturbating in class a lot when she was little. She actually masturbated so much she damaged her clitoris and now has to stimulate it in some incredibly complicated and specific way to feel anything. But then again, her mom bought her a book on the joys of sex when she caught my gf reading it off a book stand at the airport when she was, like, 6, so she didn’t have the stigma at home either. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2011, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-asexual-or-just-a-normal-woman/574427/56 "2011-03-13T22:28:05Z")
You can masturbate so much you damage your clitoris? Are you sure there’s something your girlfriend is leaving out? I’ve never heard of that. ---
**Author:** ![MichaelEmouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/michaelemouse/32/101_2.png) [@MichaelEmouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MichaelEmouse)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2011, 10:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-asexual-or-just-a-normal-woman/574427/57 "2011-03-13T22:31:35Z")
> [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > You can masturbate so much you damage your clitoris? Are you sure there’s something your girlfriend is leaving out? I’ve never heard of that. “Need answer soon” she was tactful enough to leave out… ---
**Author:** ![Jragon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e19b73/32.png) [@Jragon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jragon)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2011, 10:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-asexual-or-just-a-normal-woman/574427/58 "2011-03-13T22:32:12Z")
That’s her side of the story, I was honestly thinking the same thing when I first heard it. I assume that she may have slipped up and accidentally damaged it by doing something weird, but not in a way painful enough to notice. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2011, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-asexual-or-just-a-normal-woman/574427/59 "2011-03-13T22:33:17Z")
> [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > You can masturbate so much you damage your clitoris? Are you sure there’s something your girlfriend is leaving out? I’ve never heard of that. It honestly sounds like one of those urban legends parents might trot out to scare kids away from masturbating. ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2011, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-asexual-or-just-a-normal-woman/574427/60 "2011-03-13T22:41:42Z")
> [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > You can masturbate so much you damage your clitoris? Are you sure there’s something your girlfriend is leaving out? I’ve never heard of that. It is an urban legend, unless the person is using some sort of caustic lubricating agent or electroshock. Betty Dodson addresses this myth extensively at her website. [http://dodsonandross.com/](http://dodsonandross.com/) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-asexual-or-just-a-normal-woman/574427.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-asexual-or-just-a-normal-woman/574427.md?page=4)