# Am I asking too much from my husband ? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 2, 2004, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-asking-too-much-from-my-husband/248263 "2004-06-02T15:10:53Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![yosemite](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/3ab097/32.png) [@yosemite](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yosemite)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2004, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-asking-too-much-from-my-husband/248263/61 "2004-06-04T19:30:19Z")
> [@Crazy Cat Lady](#): > > Well, see, that’s pretty much what that woman said. That snotty little comment about whether or not the OP’s kids were dressed appropriately, that’s saying that she doesn’t take proper care of her children and calling her a bad mother. It’s the bitchy, backhanded, cowardly way of doing it, but that’s what it is. > > … > > As for the whole “truth hurts” angle, the OP has absolutely ZERO control over what her kids spill on themselves at school. They’re neat and clean when they leave the house, so she’s not letting them dress inappropriately, no matter what her snotty neighbor may say. I agree with this. Especially since this woman made comments in front of Dragongirl’s kids. Very snotty and inappropriate. And if the kids (being kids) get stuff all over their clothes by the end of the day, how are school uniforms going to change that? They’ll just get stuff all over their uniforms and _still_ look like “slobs” at the end of the day! So bringing that up had absolutely NO bearing on the topic being discussed. And I hate it when the excuse “the truth hurts” is being used to excuse rude, snotty behavior. Is it necessary to humiliate someone in a really snotty way in order to share the “truth”? Nope, it isn’t. ---
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2004, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-asking-too-much-from-my-husband/248263/62 "2004-06-04T19:35:24Z")
> [@Sat on Cookie](#): > > I get what you’re saying about it being _her_ battle, but I honestly don’t buy that you would be completely fine if something similar happened to you and Mr. Jar continued to be very cordial with her. And quite honestly, maybe I don’t think that because from what you’ve posted about Mr. Jar, I don’t think he _would_ just let it pass. Who knows. Here’s how it goes down (and it has gone down) at the Jar house. Jar: X said I had a super nasally voice that could pierce the sky. Mr. Jar: Wow. what a bitch. What did you say? Jar: Nothing, just walked away. Two weeks later: All of us are out drinking agan, having a blast. I didn’t march up to Mr. Jar and say “make her apologize to me” or “We’re not going out with her because she was mean” or “you’re not allowed to speak to her again.” If my hubby and I had to cut off ties with every person who ever said something mean to us we’d be a lonely couple. ---
**Author:** ![Sat\_on\_Cookie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/71c47a/32.png) [@Sat\_on\_Cookie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sat_on_Cookie)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2004, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-asking-too-much-from-my-husband/248263/63 "2004-06-04T19:45:31Z")
> [@dragongirl](#): > > There is a local woman who I’ve never been friends with, but I always been friendly and polite to her. My husband is more friendly with her then I am. I’m not threated by this or anything. It’s never bothered me. I don’t get the impression that they hang with this woman – and, yeah, that would be different – then, I could even see it being a “we’re so close I can say this to you” type of thing; however rude. Plus, “your voice is super nasally” is different from “you always smell like you haven’t bathed for a week” (I’m just getting tired of the slob thing and it seems similar) _from a casual acquaintence_. ---
**Author:** ![Phedre\_no\_Delaunay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/839c29/32.png) [@Phedre\_no\_Delaunay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Phedre_no_Delaunay)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2004, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-asking-too-much-from-my-husband/248263/64 "2004-06-04T20:14:59Z")
If someone insults my SO they also insult me. Especially since the children were involved. I can’t imagine having anything to do with someone who would say something like that about my family! ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2004, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-asking-too-much-from-my-husband/248263/65 "2004-06-04T20:56:09Z")
Yes, it was a tactless comment. But at the end of the day it isn’t such a big deal that someone thinks you dress sloppily. Instead of perpetuating the drama by forcing your SO to take sides, take the high road and let it go. Class is defined by your actions, not your clothes. ---
**Author:** ![burundi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3ec8ea/32.png) [@burundi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burundi)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2004, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-asking-too-much-from-my-husband/248263/66 "2004-06-04T21:05:24Z")
If someone were even “mildly mean” to **Left Hand of Dorkness** , I wouldn’t _want_ to be social with them. I don’t like people who insult my husband. **dragongirl** ’s husband need not demand an apology or cut off all contact with the woman, but it does seem weird for him to be all buddy-buddy with her. ---
**Author:** ![dragongirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b38774/32.png) [@dragongirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dragongirl)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2004, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-asking-too-much-from-my-husband/248263/67 "2004-06-04T21:43:19Z")
An update. I got the chance to talk to my husband about it last night. He says it’s my battle, not his and he doesn’t see why he should become involved. And he doesn’t think that we are slobs. The way I still feel is that, I’m not looking for him to start a fight with the woman and I don’t want him to go demand an apology from her, but the buddy-buddy thing still bugs me. Like I said, I’m not demanding that he stops speaking to her, but I kind of think it’s wrong to act like nothing happened. If the shoe was on the other foot, I would have been behind my husband. He just doesn’t see it that way. So, we’re not getting anywhere. ---
**Author:** ![Sat\_on\_Cookie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/71c47a/32.png) [@Sat\_on\_Cookie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sat_on_Cookie)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2004, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-asking-too-much-from-my-husband/248263/68 "2004-06-04T21:47:26Z")
All I can say is that, were I in your situation, his response would be met with a big, resounding, Huh. I think it’s weird, inappropriate and not supportive. ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2004, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-asking-too-much-from-my-husband/248263/69 "2004-06-04T21:52:43Z")
> [@dragongirl](#): > > Like I said, I’m not demanding that he stops speaking to her, but I kind of think it’s wrong to act like nothing happened. If the shoe was on the other foot, I would have been behind my husband. He just doesn’t see it that way. To see things from his position, imagine he told you about a mutual acquaintance who said something awful to him, but then wanted you to be _exactly_ as friendly with them as you were before. Would you do it? If you did, how would you feel about it? Some people want to fight every battle alongside their spouses, others prefer to completely stay out of minor arguments. It’s not wrong, just different. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2004, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-asking-too-much-from-my-husband/248263/70 "2004-06-04T22:13:59Z")
> [@jarbabyj](#): > > Look, the fact is, people say stuff, sometimes it’s mean. If that’s the extent of the ‘nasty’ comments, I’d like to live in her Utopia. And in any case, I’d certainly not demand my husband cut off contact with her as a result. > > I’d say, “just know, that woman said I looked sloppy,” and let him proceed at will. Folding your arms and saying “you’re not allowed to talk to her” smacks of eighth grade. My wife wouldn’t have to ask me. No way in hell I’d be friendly to someone who insulted Mrs. RickJay. You can run your marriage any way you want, but how you could possible tolerate someone who would insult your spouse and your children baffles me. Jesus, am I the only one who got into marriage with the understanding that to the outside world you’re supposed to be an inseperable team? And calling someone a slob to their face is not “mild,” it’s a nasty insult. If you get a lot of those you really do need to get new acquaintances. Maybe it’s different in Chicago, where you live, but I would never dream of saying such an offensive thing to someone, and cannot recall being called something like that as an adult. If you called someone and their children a slob here, you’d become a social pariah. ---
**Author:** ![malkavia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/malkavia/32/5621_2.png) [@malkavia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/malkavia)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2004, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-asking-too-much-from-my-husband/248263/71 "2004-06-04T23:51:09Z")
Let me start off by saying that if this were my situation, I would be mortified at his behavior. I’m also a bit more high strung than I suggest being in any given situation. That being said, I think that his inability to see that his actions are hurting you is something that needs to be addressed. I can’t imagine being friendly and chatty with an _acquaintance_ that hurt someone I _love_. That’s horribly inappropriate. I could see if they were like best buddies from high school or something. And while I don’t feel it’s his responsibility to extract an apology from her, I think you have every right to feel hurt that he doesn’t seem to care how all of this makes you feel. If a friend insulted my SO in an obviously catty manner, I would be compelled to distance myself from them. Even if he didn’t hear it. Why? Because I love and respect my SO and I wouldn’t be able to view this friend in the same light after being so obviously dismissive of my loyalties. I’m not saying that everyone should react this way, but I do think it’s important to have a great deal of alignment within a relationship. If it works for you both, great. Obviously the deal is that it’s not working for both parties here, so obviously some compromise should be had. I honestly recommend confronting the woman and asking her why she made such a tactless and hurtful remark to you and your family. She may very well apologize, not realizing how mean it truly was. OR! She could be plotting to drive you and your husband nuts so that she can sweep in and STEAL HIM! Prolly not, but I’m just sayin’. Never trust anyone who insults you and your children and then laughs it up with your husband. Bad mojo. ---
**Author:** ![NinetyWt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/cc9497/32.png) [@NinetyWt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NinetyWt)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2004, 1:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-asking-too-much-from-my-husband/248263/72 "2004-06-05T01:03:48Z")
I’m bewildered as well, as regards to your SO not feeling insulted, too. It’s automatic for us - if someone insults my husband, I _automatically_ feel the sting - even if I’m not there to witness it. If this had happened to us, we would both be “icily civil” to the woman. If we spoke to her again at all. ---
**Author:** ![CanvasShoes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2004, 1:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-asking-too-much-from-my-husband/248263/73 "2004-06-05T01:32:22Z")
This lady attacked you verbally, and your husband still considers her a “friend” that he wants to continue to be friends with? IMHO, he should be supporting you, since she was so nasty to you and attacked you. To me, his continuing to be friends with someone who said nasty things about you is kinda iffy. But, ymmv, and I don’t know you, your husband or the situation, so I may be way off base. But that’s my initial reaction to it. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2004, 2:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-asking-too-much-from-my-husband/248263/74 "2004-06-05T02:24:43Z")
Did your husband actually spend an HOUR talking to her? And if so, what’s up with that? That alone would raise my eyebrows, but especially if she had insulted me and my children. I’m not psycho-crazy-jealous, but something about that doesn’t feel right. I’m also of the mind that marraige is about uniting in front of the world. You hurt my man, you hurt me, and vice versa. ---
**Author:** ![Ryle\_Dup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Ryle\_Dup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ryle_Dup)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2004, 5:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-asking-too-much-from-my-husband/248263/75 "2004-06-05T05:01:41Z")
I’m kinda surprised at some of the responses here telling the OP to suck it up basically. If someone said something like that to me I would be pissed as all hell, I may or may not tell them off at the time, but I would most likely never speak with them again. I hold a grudge to people who can’t bother being verbally polite, if someone said this to my (theoretical) wife I would probly not talk to them at all, even if we were casual acquantinces, family comes before friends, if friends insult your family, what kind of friends are they? ---
**Author:** ![Sengkelat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e36b37/32.png) [@Sengkelat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sengkelat)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2004, 7:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-asking-too-much-from-my-husband/248263/76 "2004-06-05T07:03:17Z")
You were wrong to ask your husband to not be chatty with bitch-kitty, and you owe him an apology for that. You really have no right to dictate his behavior. Your husband was wrong to be chatty with bitch-kitty _in your presence_ when he knew how badly she behaved towards you and that you were upset with her. He ought to be more sensitive to your feelings, and he owes you an apology for that. However, all that said, it’s impossible to really know without knowing all the parties involved. For instance, my wife always complained that I didn’t back her up. But in just about every contentious situation she found herself in, she was the one who started it or was behaving badly. Given her habits, it was very difficult to be angry at people who had offended her, even though I really wanted us to be an inseperable spousal team. Best of luck getting this resolved with your husband. ---
**Author:** ![AzRaek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/azraek/32/16739_2.png) [@AzRaek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AzRaek)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2004, 7:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-asking-too-much-from-my-husband/248263/77 "2004-06-05T07:24:21Z")
I just want to say > [@](#): > > By the end of the school day, my kids are a mess. They are covered in ketchup from lunch, paint and markers from art and dirt and grass stains from recess. DAMMMM…what a fun school! I bet they are learning a lot and enjoying it. ---
**Author:** ![Brainiac4](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/brainiac4/32/3534_2.png) [@Brainiac4](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brainiac4)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2004, 1:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-asking-too-much-from-my-husband/248263/78 "2004-06-05T13:31:45Z")
The OP is _not_ wrong to expect her husband to take her into account in his behaviors. Part of being married (or in any long-term relationship) is honoring the feelings of your partner. To diagram this out again, what happened is: 1. In a (fairly) casual conversation, a deliberate insult is given (“you and your kids look like slobs all the time”) 2. OP informs husband of insult and resulting ill will 3. Husband decides nothing has changed and “it’s her battle” and goes on interacting with the insulter as before This is just odd. I don’t think that partners should be able to dictate behavior (you will no longer associate with that person), but simply ignoring your partner’s feelings is unacceptable. What the husband is doing in this instance is _not_ saying “it’s your fight, you need to handle it” – he is saying “I don’t take your feelings seriously enough to change my behavior.” And that leaves aside the question of how he should react to criticism of his children. Maybe he’s just really relaxed and self-assured, he knows his kids wind up dirty by the end of the day and the bitch-woman is a neat freak who think “slob” is a descriptive but not insulting word. However, it doesn’t seem like he’s offering that perspective, he’s simply being passive-aggressive and not taking her seriously. There’s a fine line between “you have to not do this because I say so” and “because you are doing this, it hurts my feelings (so I am asking you to stop)” but I think you need to go there. This may be indicative of deeper communication issues. He’s not taking you seriously. If you want/need to be taken seriously, then you need to discuss this. ---
**Author:** ![BoBettie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4af34b/32.png) [@BoBettie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BoBettie)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2004, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-asking-too-much-from-my-husband/248263/79 "2004-06-05T14:29:38Z")
> [@Sat on Cookie](#): > > All I can say is that, were I in your situation, his response would be met with a big, resounding, > > Huh. > > I think it’s weird, inappropriate and not supportive. Agreed. I don’t agree that the husband should be confronting her about the comment or anything, but I personally would be pissed right off if someone said something like that to me and my husband continued to be all buddy buddy like nothing happened. If someone insulted him like that and he told me, I don’t know if I’d be capable of being friendly to them until an apology was offered. We are two separate people in every way, but we are also a married unit and we stand behind each other 100%. That womans comment was way out of line, and I can tell you now that my husband wouldn’t give her the time of day if she’d said it to me. He would not be friendly with someone who showed me disrespect, period. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2004, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-asking-too-much-from-my-husband/248263/80 "2004-06-05T14:55:19Z")
There are a few angles to this. I’m surprised that a fair number of people posting to this thread _don’t_ think it’s a pretty, damn significant insult to tell a mother, _to her face_, that her kids look like “slobs”. It’s a roundhouse verbal bitch slap with a lot of emotional resonance and the women delivering this knew it full well. Having said this, from the husband’s perspective, there are a few possible scenarios. If dragongirl has a habit of getting into arguments and tussles with people in her social or work sphere, or is always relating tales of how people have disrespected or insulted her in some form or fashion, then Mr. DG might simply be tired of the drama, and his opting out of the conflict is perfectly understandable . If this is _not_ her habit and he has no basis for seeing her as an oversensitive, argumentative drama queen, and yet he still he insists that insults to her and the children do not touch him, he is being a self centered coward, and I’m I were DG I’d have to wonder what kind of spineless, self centered little wart I had married. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-asking-too-much-from-my-husband/248263.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-asking-too-much-from-my-husband/248263.md?page=5)