# Am I being a jerk about this? I don't think so. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 6, 2011, 12:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-a-jerk-about-this-i-dont-think-so/580897 "2011-05-06T00:02:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 14\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Euphonious\_Polemic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/euphonious_polemic/32/3002_2.png) [@Euphonious\_Polemic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Euphonious_Polemic)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 5:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-a-jerk-about-this-i-dont-think-so/580897/61 "2011-05-06T05:07:39Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > You sound really, really angry. > > You might want to get that looked at. Ya, last time a tornado ripped my house to pieces, I was all like, totally zen about it. I’m sure he’s not been under any stress lately… ---
**Author:** ![Mona\_Lisa\_Simpson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ce7236/32.png) [@Mona\_Lisa\_Simpson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mona_Lisa_Simpson)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 5:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-a-jerk-about-this-i-dont-think-so/580897/62 "2011-05-06T05:14:14Z")
I realize that I am late to the show here, but I think people are a) being dicks to Jolly Roger and b) really not getting that a tornado basically ate his house a week ago! Holy crap people! The fact that he is not whimpering in a corner shell shocked saying “house went boom” is huge. Parts of his house basically landed in fucking never never land, a week ago, and he wants to build his house out of bricks because the big bad wolf might come again. His wife sees things differently, either out of a desire for “presto, instant house we don’t have to do two moves and we can get on with life” or for whatever reason. I think they are both reacting under extreme duress. I don’t think he normally is the type to say my money my house the wife can suck it. nothing in what Ive noted about JR’s previous posts shout “Misogynistic Asshole” but today, this week he needs wants security and wants to sink his money into something that can hopefully withstand another incident. Anyway, I don’t think JR’s being a jerk. Maybe a month ago he would have worded things differently but he had a pretty damn life altering event happen last fucking week. Excuse him if he isn’t Mr Sensitive wording right now. I think its amazing he is upright, vertical, breathing, and trying to cope in this disaster. I don’t feel like discussing it. I am putting my foot down. Some people have been jerks to JR. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 5:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-a-jerk-about-this-i-dont-think-so/580897/63 "2011-05-06T05:26:02Z")
> [@Euphonious\_Polemic](#): > > Ya, last time a tornado ripped my house to pieces, I was all like, totally zen about it. > > I’m sure he’s not been under any stress lately… :dubious: Totally unnecessary. ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 5:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-a-jerk-about-this-i-dont-think-so/580897/64 "2011-05-06T05:27:00Z")
> [@Jolly\_Roger](#): > > Hey, thanks for playing. I’m a jerk. Fine. A stubborn jerk. Great. because I’m, not willing to get a house worth less than half of the one I originally had. Yep. I’m a real asshole, wanting my house revuilt and all and you know, not wanting to spend time on an idea I don’t like when I seriously don’t have the time to waste. uh huh. > > Hey, I’m also a stupid jerk! I should have built a shelter! In a place where tornadoes are rare! I had no idea that one sentence I told her would make such an asshole. I must be making a huge mistake, wanting, you know, my house rebuilt in brick by a reputable contractor instead of trying to get a prefab house where I can save an assload of money. You knowm, its probably my fault I got hit head on by a tornado for being a jerk. What was I thinking? Maybe you might have wanted to think twice about posting a thread with a title if you only wanted people to say “You’re not a jerk.” Seriously, I was sort of with you at the beginning of the thread but now I’m thinking you may very well be a jerk, especially after your “I am in charge” comment. Yikes, that doesn’t sound like a partnership to me. One thought: Thinking farther down the line to when you’re older, I would suggest maybe not building a two story if you were at all thinking about it. I’ve ridden with ambulance crews enough to see that as people age stairs are a bad idea. Who wants to lug laundry up and down stairs when they’re 75? That’s just my two cents. ETA: In fact, it now looks like your responses are getting more emotional and erratic. Maybe ask a mod to close this? ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 5:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-a-jerk-about-this-i-dont-think-so/580897/65 "2011-05-06T05:35:02Z")
> [@Feyrat](#): > > I’m always curious why people post things asking “hey am I wrong/a jerk/out of line” type threads on internet message boards and then angrily argue with the people who say yes. > > Why’d you ask, dude? That was my question, too - if you’ve already got all the answers, why bother asking for our opinions? ---
**Author:** ![Jolly\_Roger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/91b2a8/32.png) [@Jolly\_Roger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jolly_Roger)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 6:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-a-jerk-about-this-i-dont-think-so/580897/66 "2011-05-06T06:18:39Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > That was my question, too - if you’ve already got all the answers, why bother asking for our opinions? It doesn’t matter anymore. I’m an asshole. I thought I was a decent person, but obviously I’m not. My opinions, deeds or anything else don’t matter. I don’t want to be so angry or unhappy, but fuck it, I am. Maybe people are rigtht. the wife might be better off if I were gone. I can’t even provide a place to live. \*f there was no hell, I’d eat a bullet right now. Close the thread. I really don’t care anymore. ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 6:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-a-jerk-about-this-i-dont-think-so/580897/67 "2011-05-06T06:22:59Z")
> [@treis](#): > > This is not internet oneupmanship. I truly think you are an ass because you think because it is your money and your house, and not our house. I make the money, I made a decision, so my wife can go fuck herself is a shit attitude.. Except he never actually said that. He actually said he thinks otherwise. And, you are aware that **JR** just got devastated by a tornado, right? ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 6:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-a-jerk-about-this-i-dont-think-so/580897/68 "2011-05-06T06:28:30Z")
> [@Jolly\_Roger](#): > > \*f there was no hell, I’d eat a bullet right now. Close the thread. I really don’t care anymore. Woah now! I don’t think you’re an asshole **JR** , and I think I can safely speak for **Mona Lisa Simpson** and a buncha others on that. You’re doing your best in a dreadful situation. Don’t let a few comments on this MB get ya down. People here can be superbly empathetic and tactful at times, and… not so much at others. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 6:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-a-jerk-about-this-i-dont-think-so/580897/69 "2011-05-06T06:30:37Z")
> [@Mona\_Lisa\_Simpson](#): > > I think they are both reacting under extreme duress. I don’t think he normally is the type to say my money my house the wife can suck it. nothing in what Ive noted about JR’s previous posts shout “Misogynistic Asshole” but today, this week he needs wants security and wants to sink his money into something that can hopefully withstand another incident. > > Anyway, I don’t think JR’s being a jerk. Maybe a month ago he would have worded things differently but he had a pretty damn life altering event happen last fucking week. Excuse him if he isn’t Mr Sensitive wording right now. I think its amazing he is upright, vertical, breathing, and trying to cope in this disaster. Being upset doesn’t change whether or not what you did was jerkish. The point is that no one says, “I am putting my foot down,” except to assert that they have some sort of authority. And a marriage is a partnership, so asserting you have the right to tell your wife what to do is an improper response. Do I think he’s a bad person? Heck no. He’s upset. Something rather bad happened to him. Even if it’s not something I can directly identify with, I feel a ton of empathy for him. I can’t imagine what it would be like if my house was taken away from me. I probably wouldn’t be the nicest person for a while either, and I know I would be very tempted to guilt trip anyone who made me feel like crap. But he didn’t ask us to judge him as a person. He asked us to judge his actions. The standards of jerkiness don’t change because of how you feel, even after a shitty situation. I am not calling him an asshole, or even a jerk. But his actions were jerkish, and his defense here indicates that his reasoning was selfish. I just believe he ought to apologize to his wife. His feelings may not be relevant to the evaluation, but hers are. What he said most likely hurt her feelings as she is dealing with the same loss he is. They are both hurt, and everything about this decision should be about both of them. This is not the time to get all, “I make the money so I make the decisions,” on her. They both should have equal say on what type of house they are going to live in. The same argument that we should be lenient with him applies to the way he talks with his wife. On preview: I’m sorry you’re so upset. Perhaps you should stop reading this thread. People are going to disagree with you, and some people are going to be aggressive about it. It sucks, but it’s the way this messageboard is. It’s changing somewhat (for the better in my opinion), but it’s still not the best place to go for sympathetic situations, especially if you don’t spell out that that is what you want. I don’t think you are serious about wanting to kill yourself, but, just in case, please don’t. ---
**Author:** ![EvilTOJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee59a6/32.png) [@EvilTOJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EvilTOJ)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 7:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-a-jerk-about-this-i-dont-think-so/580897/70 "2011-05-06T07:42:55Z")
OK, so all I’ve seeing is “I really don’t want a modular home”, but _why_ don’t you want one? Being a dick and saying “It’s my money, I don’t want one end of discussion” doesn’t explain to your wife why you think they’re a bad idea. I’ve been through tough times before(including where a tornado almost killed us by dropping a tree next to the house instead of through our roof) and we all get upset from stress. Personally, I think \*some \*modular housing is great, and \*some \*of it is just Mobile homes in disguise. If it were my home, and I could get one that was highly rated for tornado damage I would seriously consider it. The build time is comparable to a regular house and way cheaper. ---
**Author:** ![Jolly\_Roger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/91b2a8/32.png) [@Jolly\_Roger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jolly_Roger)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 7:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-a-jerk-about-this-i-dont-think-so/580897/71 "2011-05-06T07:53:45Z")
I should have gone to bed by now. I’m tired and I have had only one meal all day, and it sucked. (it was McDonalds…had to eat on the go) And you’re right, I am not going to kill myself, though an hour ago I don’t think I would have been able to honestly say that or if I’d care much if if I didn’t wake up in the morning. I suppose I have one thing going for me. I do have one friend that emailed me in the interim and she reminded me of the people that depend on me. So I’m going to soldier on. I’d rather not, because I am fucking tired. But the kittens my wife rescued the other day were mewling for food and I can’t ignore them. I realize that this is not going to end well. It took a lot for me to pull myself together right now. I will admit that I may not be firing on all cylinders. I’m angry and frustrated and a few other things. I’ll deal with it, since I let myself have a good cry. > [@BigT](#): > > Being upset doesn’t change whether or not what you did was jerkish. The point is that no one says, “I am putting my foot down,” except to assert that they have some sort of authority. And a marriage is a partnership, so asserting you have the right to tell your wife what to do is an improper response. I never said the foot down thing to the wife. I said : Her: You’re not even going to consider it? Or go look at some modular homes?" Me: Why would I? My interest in modular homes is in negative numbers. I’m not only not going to consider it, I’m not even going to talk about it. No. Modular. House. Why would I want a house worth less than half of the one I had? Her: Thats close minded. Me: Ok. I don’t have a problem with being closeminded about it. You’re not going to guilt me into thinking about it. Why? Because I actually know her. I know that she’s as stubborn…actually more stubborn than I am. And as I said she’ll become a tiger and I usually just give in. This is one matter where I don’t want to give in. Yet, apparently I’m the ultimate jackass for saying that. Really. if anyone reading this is married and has been married for 17 years and have never had a heated argument like that level, I salute you. Truly. Thats nothing. > [@](#): > > Do I think he’s a bad person? Heck no. He’s upset. Something rather bad happened to him. Even if it’s not something I can directly identify with, I feel a ton of empathy for him. I can’t imagine what it would be like if my house was taken away from me. I probably wouldn’t be the nicest person for a while either, and I know I would be very tempted to guilt trip anyone who made me feel like crap. I’m not the bicest person right now. I had to sit in the yard with my nieghbor the first few ni9ghts to fend off looters. I had to chase true assholes from trying to come on to my property and take fucking pictures like it was a Disney Vacation. So yeah, I’m really really kinda pissed about that. Guilt trip? Well, I don’t think anyone here caused the tornado, so no one here has too feel guilty about that. though I do object to being labelled as an asshole or some kind of woman hating punk because I said this: Me: Why would I? My interest in modular homes is in negative numbers. I’m not only not going to consider it, I’m not even going to talk about it. No. Modular. House. Why would I want a house worth less than half of the one I had? Yeah, I’m a giant asshole, for that I guess. For saying that the second time. Second as in, I didn’;t mean it the first time, when we discussed it. If anything I’m guilty of ot transcribing the first conversation. > [@](#): > > But he didn’t ask us to judge him as a person. He asked us to judge his actions. The standards of jerkiness don’t change because of how you feel, even after a shitty situation. I am not calling him an asshole, or even a jerk. But his actions were jerkish, and his defense here indicates that his reasoning was selfish. You know what…I’ll give you that. Because it was selfish. It was selfish because no matter how you slice it, no matter how much you bring up the marriage is a partnership thing, I AM paying for it. Excuse me for not being more feeling about it. I just want to have the best house possible within what we can afford. Hell, I signed for it. And my wife works…but I don’t ask her to pay for anything else but her car payment and I kick in for part of that. Wow. I am a jerk. > [@](#): > > I just believe he ought to apologize to his wife. His feelings may not be relevant to the evaluation, but hers are. What he said most likely hurt her feelings as she is dealing with the same loss he is. They are both hurt, and everything about this decision should be about both of them. This is not the time to get all, “I make the money so I make the decisions,” on her. They both should have equal say on what type of house they are going to live in. You don’t know my wife. She was annoyed, but not angry. She even joked about it, as I said earlier, because she thought it was unlike me to be so stubborn with her. Yeah, she’s hurt by the loss of the house and Patches the cat. But she’s pretty tough. I might add that we’ve been married long enough and know each other well enough that it doesn’t take a verbal apology for things like: Me: Why would I? My interest in modular homes is in negative numbers. I’m not only not going to consider it, I’m not even going to talk about it. No. Modular. House. Why would I want a house worth less than half of the one I had? > [@](#): > > The same argument that we should be lenient with him applies to the way he talks with his wife. Almost 17 years. Do you think I talk to her like that on regular basis? No, I don’t. She wouldn’t put up with it, and I wouldn’t do it anyway…except when I really really really want to get my point across. > [@](#): > > On preview: I’m sorry you’re so upset. Perhaps you should stop reading this thread. People are going to disagree with you, and some people are going to be aggressive about it. It sucks, but it’s the way this messageboard is. It’s changing somewhat (for the better in my opinion), but it’s still not the best place to go for sympathetic situations, especially if you don’t spell out that that is what you want. I don’t think you are serious about wanting to kill yourself, but, just in case, please don’t. You’re right. I should have just quit this thread a long time ago. I said I was before, but I had let all of the anger, frustration and ranting at fate build up in me. It has been for…well, since Tornado Day. Make no mistake…I **am** pissed off at Fate/God/Unfeeling universe. I should have just kept it to myself. Its unfair. My wife and I have done nothing to deserve this shit. But we’re not the only ones suffering through the Tornado disasters recently. We both know that, and we both are doing the best we can to help our friends and neighbors through all of this. Me? I’ll admit it, I’m selfish in the way that I resent this hand fate has dealt us. But I know now to take my frustration elsewhere. I don’t expect or really want help from anyone else. 'cuz I’m a jerk. I must have deserved it. But I resent more the implication that I treat my wife as an imbecile becayuse I said this: Me: Why would I? My interest in modular homes is in negative numbers. I’m not only not going to consider it, I’m not even going to talk about it. No. Modular. House. Why would I want a house worth less than half of the one I had? (Wow. I’m an ogre. How dare I say that) Maybe its me, but if those were the harshest words I’d have spoken to me, I’d think I was a really lucky guy. So I must be doing it wrong. I’ve been treated far worse by family and dare I say, by posters here. But it did teach me something. Why bother trying to be a good person when a random act of nature can literally take everything away? Karma? Bullshit. Three homes down they weren’t touched except for a broken window. Our home was demolished. Every Xmas gift, every memento, ruined. I even had the gall to tell her that it was better it our house than the terailer park a few miles away since those people would have been killed real good. I’m a selfish bastard. Yet, I’m a dick for telling my wife this: Me: Why would I? My interest in modular homes is in negative numbers. I’m not only not going to consider it, I’m not even going to talk about it. No. Modular. House. Why would I want a house worth less than half of the one I had? Yeah, I said that for what, the fourth time. She’s not even pissed but apparently it makes me a real awful guy. And yeah, I know that someone will point out some kinda minor symantics or whatever just to get one lat hit on me. Or say I shouldn’t have posted in the 1st place. Got it. No surprise. If I have to start from zero again, I’ll just do it like I did before. By myself. ---
**Author:** ![ShermanAter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@ShermanAter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShermanAter)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 8:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-a-jerk-about-this-i-dont-think-so/580897/72 "2011-05-06T08:09:58Z")
Hang in there Roger. Best of luck and thanks for your service. Take care man. ---
**Author:** ![SSgtBaloo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ac91a4/32.png) [@SSgtBaloo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SSgtBaloo)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 8:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-a-jerk-about-this-i-dont-think-so/580897/73 "2011-05-06T08:44:14Z")
> [@Zulema](#): > > It might help if you went with her to the home store to point out the poor quality. > > You’re both stressed out. She would probably normally think her idea is stupid too but now she can’t see it. **Her subconscious might see this as getting things back to normal as fast as possible.** (Bolding mine) That is a beautiful insight. And i would reconsider even thinking about asking the SDMB for advice if I thought I would be savaged like this. The amount of pontificating and posturing about what pronouns the OP uses to describe his situation just adds insult to the injury of losing home, household goods and any sense of security. Is it so difficult to tell someone why you think he’s acting like a jerk without being one yourself? Or am I just being optimistic? @Jolly Roger: $60k for a house sounds a lot like “trailer home” to me. Plus I’m from California where bricks=stuff that will fall on you in case of earthquake, So I’m not sure the bricks provided any more protection than any other properly-constructed home. Be nice to your wife and apologize for being stubborn on this point (even, or especially if, you _remain_ stubborn about it). I might disagree about the durability of modular homes, but I’m not the one standing on a debris-strewn field that was once the place I lived with a family, secure that nothing could touch them. …Until this happened. ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 11:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-a-jerk-about-this-i-dont-think-so/580897/74 "2011-05-06T11:25:43Z")
This has gotten out of hand. People are reacting very angrily and there’s a lot of language and name-calling that would be better in the Pit. I’m going to close this thread. If anyone would like to discuss the pros and cons of modular homes, you can start a new thread in IMHO. **Jolly Roger** , I’m so terribly sorry about everything you’re going through right now. (If anyone reading along wants to help, there’s a tornado relief thread [here](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=607215).) I wish both you and your wife peace and strength while you get through this. That said, please think twice about how you present whatever you want to discuss here. As a couple of people have pointed out, “am I a jerk” is almost certain to garner a bunch of “yes” responses here. **twickster** , MPSIMS moderator [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-a-jerk-about-this-i-dont-think-so/580897.md?page=3)