# Am I being an intolerant A-hole? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 31, 2013, 10:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-an-intolerant-a-hole/654407 "2013-03-31T10:11:54Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Cady\_Wampus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d26b3c/32.png) [@Cady\_Wampus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cady_Wampus)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2013, 2:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-an-intolerant-a-hole/654407/41 "2013-04-02T02:17:57Z")
> [@Blaster\_Master](#): > > I don’t know enough about the situation the OP is in, but it wouldn’t surprise me if the friendship of the OP is in a similar situation. The friend is making some poor decisions and stretching on old friendships to enable bad decisions and won’t really realize how bad of an influence some of these new “friends” and promiscuous behavior actually is until it might be too late to repair the damage. It very well may be that being there and providing that emotional support, while in the short terms makes the friend feel better, is ultimately just enabling long-term destructive behavior, but only the OP can really judge that. That really is exactly what I worry about. I do worry that he’s surrounded himself with a bunch of people who compliment him and agree with everything he says all the time because they want to have sex with him. My friend is apparently very attractive in the bear community and has quickly become a sensation. He goes on trips to other countries and other cities to have sex with dudes he met on the internet. I get very worried - just like I would if one of my girlfriends went off the deep-end after a divorce or something and began to do the same thing. I am convinced that I need to live and let live about this. It’s hard though. Thank you for your post. ---
**Author:** ![Kimmy\_Gibbler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Kimmy\_Gibbler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimmy_Gibbler)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2013, 3:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-an-intolerant-a-hole/654407/42 "2013-04-02T03:36:24Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > And once again I see someone making up a story so they can hate on someone. Nothing you said is in the OP. You made it up so you could disagree with everyone else. > > Yes, being sarcastic is the opposite of being nice. Having a friend hit on a former friend may not be your fault, but a nice person does express regret that it happened, as a nice person doesn’t want his new friends to hurt his old friends. Being nice means caring about the feelings of others. > > You do in fact owe your friends a lot if you want to remain friends. All relationships are about give and take, and friendship is a fairly strong relationship. If you want to view it dispassionately, friendship is an exchange of obligations for certain amenities. You owe your friends what they owe to you: friendship. Otherwise you aren’t their friend. > > Your post is far more assholish than anything the OP has done. It’s better than the other friend, sure, but only because he specifically asked for advice. It was needlessly harsh and involved assuming the worst of the person you were talking to. It’s all about putting someone down so that you can feel better about yourself. Oh, shut the fuck up, BigTard. Your constant put-upon act is growing extremely wearisome. If anybody is being studiously disagreeable here, it’s you, and I have little doubt you failed to realized you were engaged in a bout of projection as you typed out this splenic doggerel to begin with. BigTard: He always has some grievance or another. A charming personality trait, no? I happen to think that Hello Again raised some good points that need to be borne in mind. The enthusiasm that some self-described fag hags have for gay men—but only if they remain sexless little fairies—as was the dynamic between the OP and her friend, is one that needs to be subjected to some truth bombs. And it’s a lot more insightful than any of your trademark tantrums. So do please, heed the meme, and shut the fuck up. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2013, 3:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-an-intolerant-a-hole/654407/43 "2013-04-02T03:47:14Z")
> [@DMark](#): > > Oh, and I personally find nothing wrong with having sex often, and more often, with lots of people, not a horrible thing - as long as he is being safe and doesn’t go off the deep end with danger junkies or other fringe elements. I think even most straight guys are somewhat jealous at how often and easily Gay guys can score and wished they had that same opportunity. The slut phase does eventually go away and that is when guys (like me) eventually see there is more to life than \*\*just hundreds of one-night-tricks \*\*and start searching for a real partner. My bolding. For most straights, in discussions of sexual partners using “just” and “hundreds” in one sentence isn’t common. Dan Savage makes the point is that guys are and have always been greater sluts than women. I wish that I had bookmarked that particular quote. I could never find it afterward. I went though a slut phase myself after I left the Mormon church and got to Japan, so I can relate to this. I can relate to going through a wild period at a later period in life than the norm. People expect teenager boys to act in a particular way but when I was a teenager, I was extremely conservative and didn’t have that experience. For me, this didn’t happen until into my 30s. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Slant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c57346/32.png) [@Mr.Slant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Slant)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2013, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-an-intolerant-a-hole/654407/44 "2013-04-02T04:28:52Z")
nvm ---
**Author:** ![Idle\_Thoughts](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/838e76/32.png) [@Idle\_Thoughts](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Idle_Thoughts)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2013, 5:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-an-intolerant-a-hole/654407/45 "2013-04-02T05:06:54Z")
> [@Kimmy\_Gibbler](#): > > Oh, shut the fuck up, BigTard. Your constant put-upon act is growing extremely wearisome. > > If anybody is being studiously disagreeable here, it’s you, and I have little doubt you failed to realized you were engaged in a bout of projection as you typed out this splenic doggerel to begin with. BigTard: He always has some grievance or another. A charming personality trait, no? > > I happen to think that Hello Again raised some good points that need to be borne in mind. The enthusiasm that some self-described fag hags have for gay men—but only if they remain sexless little fairies—as was the dynamic between the OP and her friend, is one that needs to be subjected to some truth bombs. And it’s a lot more insightful than any of your trademark tantrums. So do please, heed the meme, and shut the fuck up. This is a warning for you, **Kimmy Gibber** , as by now you should know how things work here. Take insults to the Pit, don’t make them in here. ---
**Author:** ![Cady\_Wampus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d26b3c/32.png) [@Cady\_Wampus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cady_Wampus)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2013, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-an-intolerant-a-hole/654407/46 "2013-04-02T22:14:40Z")
> [@Kimmy\_Gibbler](#): > > I happen to think that Hello Again raised some good points that need to be borne in mind. The enthusiasm that some self-described fag hags have for gay men—but only if they remain sexless little fairies—as was the dynamic between the OP and her friend, is one that needs to be subjected to some truth bombs. I am not a “fag hag.” I didn’t friend this guy because he was gay. I didn’t befriend him because he was sexless. We became friends because we were in the same major in college and attended a lot of the same classes with the same people and had a sh’load of stuff in common. Mostly, it came down to a similar sense of humor and the same taste in music. He did not behave in a stereotypically gay fashion. (He actually spoke very negatively about a lot of my other friends - gay and straight - for exhibiting the same sort of behaviors he currently engages in. I understand that he was just covering his tracks.) I didn’t even really start to think he was that orientation until we’d been friends for a few years and I realized I’d never seen him romantically involved with anyone. Meanwhile, I had my own romantic relationships and other groups of friends. When I say I’m an ally, I mean that I am straight but that I don’t care about who someone loves. I think people are born with certain innate traits, and sexual orientation is one of them, so who am I to judge? Because I’m in the arts, a lot of my friends are gay, but I don’t intentionally seek them out. There just happen to be a lot of gay dudes who like to work in theater. However, if anyone is projecting, it’s you for assuming that I only glommed onto someone because I was overcome with enthusiasm for his gayness. If you had read ANY of my posts instead of trying to blast a specific respondent for personal reasons, you would have noticed that much already. I do agree that I needed some truth bombs, but you are taking extreme liberties with what I’ve said. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2013, 1:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-an-intolerant-a-hole/654407/47 "2013-04-03T01:28:00Z")
**Cady** , I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong (apart from possibly being too forgiving of bad behaviour on your friend’s part). I don’t know if you lurked here before posting, but there are some people here who like to pick fights and purposefully misunderstand everything that is said - you don’t need to be drawn into arguments with them if you don’t want to. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2013, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-an-intolerant-a-hole/654407/48 "2013-04-03T01:53:43Z")
There is a middle ground between “you were a horrible friend then, taking advantage of him and enjoying a sexless doormat” and “he’s a horrible friend now, cut his ass out of your life”. Sometimes relationships develop patterns that are destructive and exploitative without anyone doing anything wrong. For example, if you have two friends where one is very self-reliant and the other is generally needy, the pattern will develop where the former gives support and the later requests it. If, after years or decades, the normally self-reliant friend needs support, it’s often very difficult to provide it in the context of relationship that is normally tilted the other way: the patterns and signals and cues are missing. It’s just not how they relate to one another, and it’s really hard to change the fundamental rhythm of a relationship after many years. The needy person never meant for the relationship to be all take and no give, but it’s developed into that, and it may well not be fixable. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2013, 2:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-an-intolerant-a-hole/654407/49 "2013-04-03T02:42:30Z")
**Cady Wampus** , your OP leaves me a little unclear on one point in particular: You mention that your friend came out to the world about 18 months ago. To the best of your knowledge, when did he come out to himself? This thread has been a very interesting and enlightening read. I thank you for opening it. 🙂 ETA: Welcome to the SDMB. The fact that you have made the decision to become a Doper predisposes me to judge that you are probably behaving perfectly appropriately. 🙂 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Cady\_Wampus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d26b3c/32.png) [@Cady\_Wampus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cady_Wampus)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2013, 10:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-an-intolerant-a-hole/654407/50 "2013-04-03T10:44:57Z")
Cat Whisperer, I’m totally a newbie at this, all the way around. This is such a touchy subject for me that I guess I just couldn’t help myself 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Cady\_Wampus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d26b3c/32.png) [@Cady\_Wampus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cady_Wampus)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2013, 10:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-an-intolerant-a-hole/654407/51 "2013-04-03T10:51:40Z")
> [@kaylasdad99](#): > > **Cady Wampus** , your OP leaves me a little unclear on one point in particular: You mention that your friend came out to the world about 18 months ago. To the best of your knowledge, when did he come out to himself? > > This thread has been a very interesting and enlightening read. I thank you for opening it. 🙂 > > ETA: Welcome to the SDMB. The fact that you have made the decision to become a Doper predisposes me to judge that you are probably behaving perfectly appropriately. 🙂 🙂 Thank you! This has been a very eye opening exchange for me, too! I am so glad I joined. The comments have been really insightful. Regarding your question: I asked him that not too long after he came out. I may have even asked when he first told me about it. He said he always knew. It’s a vague answer, but I took it to mean that he’s been this way longer than he can remember. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2013, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-an-intolerant-a-hole/654407/52 "2013-04-03T16:26:29Z")
> [@Cady\_Wampus](#): > > Cat Whisperer, I’m totally a newbie at this, all the way around. This is such a touchy subject for me that I guess I just couldn’t help myself 🙂 No worries. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2013, 1:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-an-intolerant-a-hole/654407/53 "2013-04-04T01:41:08Z")
> [@Cady\_Wampus](#): > > He and his friends have made it perfectly clear that they don’t respect my relationship because, “Monogamy isn’t natural.” “You don’t get to make that choice for me or my boyfriend. I haven’t lectured you on your choices, so if you respect me, please don’t lecture me on mine.” And honestly, I think that’ll make it clear why you’re distancing yourself, too. ---
**Author:** ![Learjeff](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/94ad74/32.png) [@Learjeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Learjeff)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2013, 3:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-an-intolerant-a-hole/654407/54 "2013-04-04T03:06:27Z")
> [@Kimmy\_Gibbler](#): > > Oh, shut the fuck up, BigTard. Your constant put-upon act is growing extremely wearisome. > > If anybody is being studiously disagreeable here, it’s you, and I have little doubt you failed to realized you were engaged in a bout of projection as you typed out this splenic doggerel to begin with. BigTard: He always has some grievance or another. A charming personality trait, no? > > I happen to think that Hello Again raised some good points that need to be borne in mind. The enthusiasm that some self-described fag hags have for gay men—but only if they remain sexless little fairies—as was the dynamic between the OP and her friend, is one that needs to be subjected to some truth bombs. And it’s a lot more insightful than any of your trademark tantrums. So do please, heed the meme, and shut the fuck up. Wow. Maybe there’s some history betwen you and BigT, but as a disinterested person fairly new to this particular party, your response here looks ridiculous. I think BigT had a pretty reasonable response to HelloAgain, who seemed to me to be projecting and intentionally rude. ---
**Author:** ![Learjeff](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/94ad74/32.png) [@Learjeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Learjeff)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2013, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-an-intolerant-a-hole/654407/55 "2013-04-04T03:11:05Z")
Cady, hopefully your friend will get over the undue influence he’s giving his new crowd. Meanwhile, I hope the two of you can manage the transition period. It looks to me like you’re on the right track. I definitely agree with those above who say you should be frank and candid, but I bet you don’t need to be told. ---
**Author:** ![JBDivmstr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/b4bc9f/32.png) [@JBDivmstr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JBDivmstr)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2013, 8:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-an-intolerant-a-hole/654407/56 "2013-04-04T08:50:09Z")
> [@Learjeff](#): > > Cady, hopefully your friend will get over the undue influence he’s giving his new crowd. Meanwhile, I hope the two of you can manage the transition period. It looks to me like you’re on the right track. > > I definitely agree with those above who say you should be frank and candid, but I bet you don’t need to be told. Seconded. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Doggo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/87869e/32.png) [@Doggo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doggo)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2013, 7:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-an-intolerant-a-hole/654407/57 "2013-04-05T07:43:37Z")
> [@Learjeff](#): > > Cady, hopefully your friend will get over the undue influence he’s giving his new crowd. Meanwhile, I hope the two of you can manage the transition period. It looks to me like you’re on the right track. > > I definitely agree with those above who say you should be frank and candid, but I bet you don’t need to be told. I agree that you should explain how you feel. The people I have known that just cut me off without an explanation, are, IMO, cowards and frankly, despicable. We all make mistakes with our relationships, and for someone to just cut another without explanation is very bad form. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-an-intolerant-a-hole/654407.md?page=2)