# Am I being too selfish? (Pregnancy/Family Dynamic Related) **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 29, 2011, 3:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-too-selfish-pregnancy-family-dynamic-related/594462 "2011-08-29T03:18:46Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 14
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2011, 9:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-too-selfish-pregnancy-family-dynamic-related/594462/261 "2011-09-11T21:50:08Z")
> [@CitizenPained](#): > > Also, I think we’ve all painted a bad picture of the MIL based off of one post that says they didn’t have a strong relationship. Later in the thread the op described previous visits. The MIL sat around, messed up the kitchen and expected to be cleaned up after and fed. Not at all helpful. ---
**Author:** ![raspberry\_hunter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b19c9b/32.png) [@raspberry\_hunter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raspberry_hunter)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2011, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-too-selfish-pregnancy-family-dynamic-related/594462/262 "2011-09-11T22:00:36Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > I mean, let’s face it–if the husband is as close to his mom as the OP says, and the relationship between the OP and the MIL is as strained as later posts would imply, she’s the bad guy regardless. MIL isn’t going to believe that her darling son who is so very close to her doesn’t want her around when his child is born but does want all his in-laws; obviously it must be that horrible wife that hates her so dictating that she be barred and her son lie to her about the reason why. At that point, you might as well come out with it and get some tiny amount of credit for honesty. I’d have to disagree a bit here, as the one who’s often in the place of the OP’s husband – I’m the one with the parents who are very close (too close) to me and who are inclined to blame my husband for things. Let me tell you, at that point the last thing I want to do is assign any blame at all to my husband OR have my husband talk to them; I did that once and it was a big mistake. A year later I was _still_ hearing about what a terrible person he was for going against their wishes in that matter. No, what I have to do (and what many have been suggesting the OP’s husband do) is repeatedly stress it is our joint decision, that I fully support my husband, and he supports me, in whatever we choose. On occasion I have even stretched the truth to make it sound like I’m the one who objects to whatever it is they want instead of him. The thing is, they’ll forgive me for minor disagreements fairly quickly, but they won’t forgive him nearly as quickly because he’s not their child. Do they believe me? Sometimes I suppose they don’t, but there’s only so long they can sustain the “I don’t believe you, it’s mr. hunter who wants that!” “I’m the one who wants that.” back-and-forth. They get tired eventually 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Farmer\_Jane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Farmer\_Jane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Farmer_Jane)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2011, 11:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-too-selfish-pregnancy-family-dynamic-related/594462/263 "2011-09-11T23:18:38Z")
> [@Feyrat](#): > > Uh, yeah. Even if I’m NOT having a baby or going through any sort of major life change, if someone just announces they’re coming to my house to stay for a week, they’re completely rude and out of line. > > If I have something big and important going on? They can seriously go suck an egg. :eek: Clearly we do things differently in my family. I can visit family whenever I want and vice versa. No one has to do anything special for another, but we sometimes roll out the red carpet. > [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > Later in the thread the op described previous visits. The MIL sat around, messed up the kitchen and expected to be cleaned up after and fed. Not at all helpful. Oh, yeah, that would be a bummer. ---
**Author:** ![tumbleddown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e9bcb4/32.png) [@tumbleddown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tumbleddown)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2011, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-too-selfish-pregnancy-family-dynamic-related/594462/264 "2011-09-11T23:39:38Z")
> [@CitizenPained](#): > > Clearly we do things differently in my family. I can visit family whenever I want and vice versa. No one has to do anything special for another, but we sometimes roll out the red carpet. Are you at all able to recognize that this is both unusual in general and unhelpful as a model for families that have different boundaries and structures, and not a reasonable basis for advising others on what to do in crisis situations? ---
**Author:** ![Feyrat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/fbc32d/32.png) [@Feyrat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Feyrat)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2011, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-too-selfish-pregnancy-family-dynamic-related/594462/265 "2011-09-12T00:22:12Z")
> [@CitizenPained](#): > > :eek: > > Clearly we do things differently in my family. I can visit family whenever I want and vice versa. No one has to do anything special for another, but we sometimes roll out the red carpet. Seriously? No one in your family has to ask permission to basically come and impose themselves in your personal space, no matter what other plans you may have or what else is going on in your life? I’m honestly glad I’m not in your family, no offense to you and it clearly works for you, but it sounds awful to me. I want people to respect my boundaries, autonomy and privacy - my family doesn’t get a free pass to treat me like I have no say. ---
**Author:** ![Merneith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/57b2e6/32.png) [@Merneith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Merneith)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2011, 5:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-too-selfish-pregnancy-family-dynamic-related/594462/266 "2011-09-12T05:06:32Z")
Same here. And no one has said Mother-In-Law can’t _visit_ - only that she can’t just announce that she’s moving in. ---
**Author:** ![Nefarious\_Chipmunk](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nefarious_chipmunk/32/1045_2.png) [@Nefarious\_Chipmunk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nefarious_Chipmunk)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2011, 5:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-too-selfish-pregnancy-family-dynamic-related/594462/267 "2011-09-23T05:27:43Z")
For anyone looking for an update, my daughter was born on Saturday! The whole issue ended up working itself out. Because of the timing, MiL was only able to come for the day and then had to go back home for work priorities. This ended up being a really good thing since she brought her BF whom I barely know (I have met him twice, I think) and actually find a bit creepy. They are planning on coming up this weekend for a longer visit. Still not ideal, but definitely better then coming when we first got home. I am not sure if BF is coming too, or just MiL and little brother. My mother ended up staying over and helping (which was greatly appreciated by both me and Daddy). ---
**Author:** ![Hedda\_Rosa](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hedda_rosa/32/1204_2.png) [@Hedda\_Rosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hedda_Rosa)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2011, 5:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-too-selfish-pregnancy-family-dynamic-related/594462/268 "2011-09-23T05:40:25Z")
Congratulations! Great to hear things worked out. Give your baby girl a snuggle from all of us here! ---
**Author:** ![shantih](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f6c823/32.png) [@shantih](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shantih)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2011, 7:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-too-selfish-pregnancy-family-dynamic-related/594462/269 "2011-09-23T07:13:46Z")
Congratulations!! (Pix, please!) I’m happy for you that everything worked out on its own. It’s really good that you thought through the issue before your little sweetie was born – being clear about your boundaries will help you immeasurably in the coming years of childrearing, not just with your MIL but with everyone with an opinion that they’re happy to impose on you. Enjoy these first precious, exhausting, confusing, sleep-deprived, wondrous days! ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2011, 9:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-too-selfish-pregnancy-family-dynamic-related/594462/270 "2011-09-23T09:50:30Z")
Congrats! Enjoy your baby! ---
**Author:** ![Hokkaido\_Brit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/d26b3c/32.png) [@Hokkaido\_Brit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hokkaido_Brit)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2011, 10:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-too-selfish-pregnancy-family-dynamic-related/594462/271 "2011-09-23T10:16:03Z")
Yeay! Congratulations on the safe arrival of your daughter!!! ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2011, 10:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-too-selfish-pregnancy-family-dynamic-related/594462/272 "2011-09-23T10:42:49Z")
She brought her boyfriend? She really doesn’t have many boundaries, does she? Seconding the request for pics! ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2011, 1:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-too-selfish-pregnancy-family-dynamic-related/594462/273 "2011-09-23T13:16:39Z")
Wonderful news! Glad it all worked out. ---
**Author:** ![muldoonthief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muldoonthief/32/3188_2.png) [@muldoonthief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/muldoonthief)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2011, 1:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-too-selfish-pregnancy-family-dynamic-related/594462/274 "2011-09-23T13:28:17Z")
Congratulations! Glad it worked out for you. As I husband, may I very, very gently recommend you put your husband in charge of finding out if creepy BF is coming next weekend, and perhaps putting a kibosh on it? ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2011, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-too-selfish-pregnancy-family-dynamic-related/594462/275 "2011-09-23T14:25:48Z")
I followed this thread closely, even though I don’t have kids. Congratulations and I’m glad it all went well. ---
**Author:** ![dangermom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e274bd/32.png) [@dangermom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dangermom)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2011, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-too-selfish-pregnancy-family-dynamic-related/594462/276 "2011-09-23T14:59:18Z")
Yay! Congratulations and enjoy your baby! ---
**Author:** ![delphica](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e9a140/32.png) [@delphica](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/delphica)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2011, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-too-selfish-pregnancy-family-dynamic-related/594462/277 "2011-09-23T15:06:54Z")
Congrats, how exciting! I’m glad everything worked out for the best. ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2011, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-too-selfish-pregnancy-family-dynamic-related/594462/278 "2011-09-23T16:02:18Z")
> [@CitizenPained](#): > > IF the MIL has already raised a few children, I have a feeling she knows what happens after childbirth. And I think we’re not being very fair to her. BTW, as it turns out we were being more fair to MIL than was warranted! ---
**Author:** ![Nefarious\_Chipmunk](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nefarious_chipmunk/32/1045_2.png) [@Nefarious\_Chipmunk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nefarious_Chipmunk)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2011, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-too-selfish-pregnancy-family-dynamic-related/594462/279 "2011-09-25T22:49:46Z")
Well, MiL came this weekend for a visit and it went pretty much exactly how I thought it would. I am really glad that I stood my ground on her coming right after the birth. It was hard enough to deal with a week later. She didn’t help and just created more mess and work for me and my husband. My husband asked her is she would take a night shift with the new baby and she just made a comment about how the baby would only want mom, anyway. To top it off, Little Chipmunk wasn’t into MiL and when ever she held her, LC would cry. We have been totally spoiled by LC and her general lack of crying, but she cried almost the entire time MiL was here. ---
**Author:** ![Hokkaido\_Brit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/d26b3c/32.png) [@Hokkaido\_Brit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hokkaido_Brit)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2011, 6:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-too-selfish-pregnancy-family-dynamic-related/594462/280 "2011-09-26T06:01:21Z")
Well done you for holding your ground then! It’s a bit sad to say but in a way you are lucky that mIL behaved true to form. If she’d been an angel of helpfulness, you might have had a bit of resentment from your husband about not letting her be there earlier in the week, but there’s no way he’s going to even think that now. On the other hand, sad that bubs picked up on the atmosphere and had a miserable weekend. Hope all is calmer now. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-too-selfish-pregnancy-family-dynamic-related/594462.md?page=13) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-too-selfish-pregnancy-family-dynamic-related/594462.md?page=15)