# Am I being too selfish? (Pregnancy/Family Dynamic Related) **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 29, 2011, 3:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-too-selfish-pregnancy-family-dynamic-related/594462 "2011-08-29T03:18:46Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2011, 4:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-too-selfish-pregnancy-family-dynamic-related/594462/21 "2011-08-29T04:18:28Z")
I wouldn’t want anyone staying at my house the first week or so whether they were helping or not. You’re not being selfish by not wanting that, no matter what the men on the board seem to think. Can your parents put them up in their place to help you out? ---
**Author:** ![Sateryn76](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e4f/32.png) [@Sateryn76](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sateryn76)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2011, 4:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-too-selfish-pregnancy-family-dynamic-related/594462/22 "2011-08-29T04:19:48Z")
> [@ZipperJJ](#): > > I am not a parent and I don’t know shit but I’ll throw my 2 cents in. > > It’s your first kid. Husband’s first kid. You guys need some time to figure out what “us 3 as a family” means. The time to figure that out is right away. > > Your permanent family routine is not going to involve granny or uncle teenager, so they shouldn’t be around while you are deciding on your family routine. > > If I was recovering from a major procedure (birth must be a major procedure) and trying to deal with a new baby, I would not want to have to find myself having to consider other people’s sleeping/waking schedules, bathroom schedules, tv habits, eating schedules, etc. I can barely handle dealing with that sort of thing now while not recovering from anything. > > I strongly suggest not having your family over right away, either. Really make it about the 3 of you for a bit. > > In 4 days, a week, whatever - everyone can descend upon your house and help feed junior, cook for you, etc. But if it were me, I would definitely declare your house a no-guest zone for a short while. I see nothing wrong with asking them to stay at a hotel. In addition to just being able to relax completely, you’ll be bleeding constantly (TMI - it’s smelly too!), you’ll be emotionally exhausted, have night sweats, fear of looking like an incompetent parent, be unable to talk freely to your husband about the amazing, scary and wonderful thing that just happened, etc. I have been with my husband for over 15 years, and I am still only about 40% comfortable with them. There’s no drama or anything - we’re just very different types of people. Even as helpful as they might have been, having them in my face 24/7 right when we got home would have been a subtle torture. I’d ask them to stay in a hotel now, and then invite them back to stay at your house in a few months - maybe a holiday visit. ---
**Author:** ![Sparky\_the\_Wonder\_Spirit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@Sparky\_the\_Wonder\_Spirit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sparky_the_Wonder_Spirit)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2011, 4:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-too-selfish-pregnancy-family-dynamic-related/594462/23 "2011-08-29T04:20:37Z")
You’re not being selfish - there’s no reason why you should have to put up with extra stress at this time. A considerate mother-in-law would understand that. ---
**Author:** ![PeskiPiksi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e495f1/32.png) [@PeskiPiksi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PeskiPiksi)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2011, 4:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-too-selfish-pregnancy-family-dynamic-related/594462/24 "2011-08-29T04:23:40Z")
I totally empathize, OP. I know I would have hated having my MIL staying with us after I had my babies. A newborn is stressful enough without throwing “build a better relationship with my mother-in-law” into the mix. What about some sort of compromise? Three hours isn’t that long a drive. Maybe they can come briefly for the actual birth, hospital visit, etc. And stay in a hotel that night. Then they can come back a week or two later for a longer visit, after you’ve had some time to recover from the delivery and adjust to your new life. Even then, you can declare your bedroom a mommy, daddy, and baby only zone–a place for you to retreat when you need to. You’re not being selfish. Happy Mama, happy baby. Also, and sounds like he’s already there, but make sure your husband understands that it’s his job to act as a buffer between you and your MIL. He should be your advocate, especially at a time like this. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2011, 4:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-too-selfish-pregnancy-family-dynamic-related/594462/25 "2011-08-29T04:25:50Z")
> [@ZipperJJ](#): > > I am not a parent and I don’t know shit but I’ll throw my 2 cents in. > > It’s your first kid. Husband’s first kid. You guys need some time to figure out what “us 3 as a family” means. The time for “figuring out what our family means” needs to happen before the kid is born. ---
**Author:** ![ladyfoxfyre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ad7895/32.png) [@ladyfoxfyre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ladyfoxfyre)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2011, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-too-selfish-pregnancy-family-dynamic-related/594462/26 "2011-08-29T04:28:40Z")
Really? You understand the dynamics of three people existing together before one of them is even born? Impressive. ---
**Author:** ![dangermom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e274bd/32.png) [@dangermom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dangermom)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2011, 4:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-too-selfish-pregnancy-family-dynamic-related/594462/27 "2011-08-29T04:33:07Z")
Dude, are you kidding? Anyone who expects you to give birth for the first time, bring home a new baby, and simultaneously have guests that you did not personally beg to come stay with you in order to help out is crazy. Brand new mommies get whatever they want, within reason, and this is well within reason. Your MIL can come over, clean things, snuggle the baby, let you nap, and then go away when you get overwhelmed. Which you will. ---
**Author:** ![Sierra\_Indigo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f0a364/32.png) [@Sierra\_Indigo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sierra_Indigo)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2011, 4:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-too-selfish-pregnancy-family-dynamic-related/594462/28 "2011-08-29T04:33:25Z")
I’m having trouble seeing how anyone can think someone wanting time alone with her husband and brand new baby, whilst she’s recovering from what is still a relatively major medical procedure - even if it all goes according to plan and the baby slips out like she’s coming off a waterslide - is being “selfish” ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2011, 4:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-too-selfish-pregnancy-family-dynamic-related/594462/29 "2011-08-29T04:39:18Z")
> [@ladyfoxfyre](#): > > Really? You understand the dynamics of three people existing together before one of them is even born? Impressive. No, but you better figure out what the fuck it all “means” before the kids come home, and you need to have your eventual “routine” already game planned. A lot of it comes with just doing it anyway (a lot of it you can’t really plan for), and those first few days are totally unlike what the eventual routine will be anyway. I also stand by my point that she isn’t the only person with authority over this home or this baby. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2011, 4:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-too-selfish-pregnancy-family-dynamic-related/594462/30 "2011-08-29T04:41:23Z")
> [@Sierra\_Indigo](#): > > I’m having trouble seeing how anyone can think someone wanting time alone with her husband and brand new baby, whilst she’s recovering from what is still a relatively major medical procedure - even if it all goes according to plan and the baby slips out like she’s coming off a waterslide - is being “selfish” It’s selfish to the extent that it disenfranchises her husband from being able to invite his own mother to his own house to help with his own baby. If the genders were reversed here, this thread would be going a lot differently. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2011, 4:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-too-selfish-pregnancy-family-dynamic-related/594462/31 "2011-08-29T04:42:30Z")
> [@dangermom](#): > > Dude, are you kidding? Anyone who expects you to give birth for the first time, bring home a new baby, and simultaneously have guests that you did not personally beg to come stay with you in order to help out is crazy. But they WERE invited. By her husband, ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2011, 4:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-too-selfish-pregnancy-family-dynamic-related/594462/32 "2011-08-29T04:44:17Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > No, but you better figure out what the fuck it all “means” before the kids come home, and you need to have your eventual “routine” already game planned. > > A lot of it comes with just doing it anyway (a lot of it you can’t really plan for), and those first few days are totally unlike what the eventual routine will be anyway. > > I also stand by my point that she isn’t the only person with authority over this home or this baby. Too bad - if one of the people involved, particularly the one who just had a major medical procedure, doesn’t want live-in company, tough shit for the company. Are you really saying her husband has veto power over her? ---
**Author:** ![Sierra\_Indigo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f0a364/32.png) [@Sierra\_Indigo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sierra_Indigo)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2011, 4:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-too-selfish-pregnancy-family-dynamic-related/594462/33 "2011-08-29T04:46:37Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > It’s selfish to the extent that it disenfranchises her husband from being able to invite his own mother to his own house to help with his own baby. > > If the genders were reversed here, this thread would be going a lot differently. But she’s not saying that. She’s not saying “Your mother can’t come over at all”. She’s saying “Can your mother please stay in a hotel, so she and your brother aren’t underfoot all the time, so if I or the baby get stressed and need time out, they’ve got somewhere else to stay”. Which IMHO is a perfectly reasonable request to make in the wake of just coming home from hospital with a brand new baby. [ETA]: Not to forget, and pray to whatever power you believe in that it all goes well, but nobody knows how the birth is going to go until it actually happens. Better that the lines are drawn now, saying “You can come around and visit but here’s a hotel room for you to go back to sleep in, so we can have peace at night” rather than the assumption that it’ll all be fine for MIL and BIL to stay in the house, only to then need to kick them out at the last second, because Chipmunk needs more recovery time than anticipated. ---
**Author:** ![Nefarious\_Chipmunk](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nefarious_chipmunk/32/1045_2.png) [@Nefarious\_Chipmunk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nefarious_Chipmunk)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2011, 4:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-too-selfish-pregnancy-family-dynamic-related/594462/34 "2011-08-29T04:49:18Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > But they WERE invited. By her husband, She actually invited herself, rather then being invited, but that is not really my point, here. I appreciate that you think you understand the dynamics of my husband and my relationship from one thread, but you are wrong. I do understand that it is also my husband’s house. That is why I asked the question in the first place. I really appreciate all your replies. I am feeling much better about what I am asking for. I am happy for them to visit, but feeling much better about having some space. ---
**Author:** ![ladyfoxfyre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ad7895/32.png) [@ladyfoxfyre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ladyfoxfyre)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2011, 4:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-too-selfish-pregnancy-family-dynamic-related/594462/35 "2011-08-29T04:50:02Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > It’s selfish to the extent that it disenfranchises her husband from being able to invite his own mother to his own house to help with his own baby. She’s not being refused entry to the house. She’s being asked not to live there for a week while she visits, they are very different things. ---
**Author:** ![dangermom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e274bd/32.png) [@dangermom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dangermom)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2011, 4:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-too-selfish-pregnancy-family-dynamic-related/594462/36 "2011-08-29T04:50:05Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > But they WERE invited. By her husband, Note the part were I said “that YOU did not personally beg”–as in, SHE has to be the one who wants the guests. Mom is the one who gives birth and does nursing and generally turns herself into a baby-nurturing being for a while. Mom gets to call the shots for the first few days. ---
**Author:** ![moejoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9de053/32.png) [@moejoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/moejoe)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2011, 4:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-too-selfish-pregnancy-family-dynamic-related/594462/37 "2011-08-29T04:50:18Z")
It sounds like she just really wants to be a part of it all, and it’s hard to blame her for that, she probably has no idea she’s being intrusive. You certainly do deserve some alone time with your child and husband right after the birth though, any chance you can deputize your own mom to handle her while she’s visiting? A trusted person between what you need and what she wants could be really helpful. It’s amazing what goobers some family members become around a new baby. One thing I found quite shocking was the number of distant family members who expected to be allowed to watch me breast feed. I would go off into a bedroom with the baby and they would just walk right in, take a seat and stare at me like I was the TV. Then after a few minutes my mom or my brother would come in and wrangle them back out of the room. It really helped to have that buffer. Also congratulations! ---
**Author:** ![Kolga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e56c9b/32.png) [@Kolga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kolga)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2011, 4:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-too-selfish-pregnancy-family-dynamic-related/594462/38 "2011-08-29T04:55:12Z")
You are going to have just experienced an exhausting major medical procedure, followed by the introduction and addition to your life of a brand new human being, creating major changes in your relationship with yourself, your partner, and this new human being. Any person who would insist on staying in the physical space where that is taking place is a narcissistic douchebag. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2011, 4:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-too-selfish-pregnancy-family-dynamic-related/594462/39 "2011-08-29T04:59:19Z")
> [@needscoffee](#): > > Too bad - if one of the people involved, particularly the one who just had a major medical procedure, doesn’t want live-in company, tough shit for the company. Are you really saying her husband has veto power over her? She’s the one trying to veto him. ---
**Author:** ![ladyfoxfyre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ad7895/32.png) [@ladyfoxfyre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ladyfoxfyre)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2011, 5:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-too-selfish-pregnancy-family-dynamic-related/594462/40 "2011-08-29T05:08:05Z")
> [@Nefarious\_Chipmunk](#): > > She actually invited herself, rather then being invited, but that is not really my point, here. I appreciate that you think you understand the dynamics of my husband and my relationship from one thread, but you are wrong. I do understand that it is also my husband’s house. That is why I asked the question in the first place. > [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > She’s the one trying to veto him. There’s no vetoing going on according to her, she MiL invited herself to stay at the home, **Nefarious** does not feel comfortable with that plan, and has offered the compromise of MiL staying at a nearby hotel during this time. I’m confused as to why you think this is some massive trampling of husbandly rights because she doesn’t want guests over right after she gives birth to her first child. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-too-selfish-pregnancy-family-dynamic-related/594462.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-being-too-selfish-pregnancy-family-dynamic-related/594462.md?page=3)