# Am I justified in not wanting to see/speak to my father again? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 17, 2018, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-justified-in-not-wanting-to-see-speak-to-my-father-again/816280 "2018-06-17T19:09:52Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![pool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pool/32/4152_2.png) [@pool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pool)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2018, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-justified-in-not-wanting-to-see-speak-to-my-father-again/816280/41 "2018-06-18T15:38:52Z")
The plot thickens… I totally forgot this was the OP that thought parents should be relegated to chattel for their offspring and give them free room and board for life, that changes my perspective of the OP a lot. I’d need to hear Dad’s unfiltered side of the story to give an honest opinion. I’m not saying the OP is necessarily lying but maybe he is omitting some important facts, of course his Dad might still be some monster, but it does make me wonder. ---
**Author:** ![Sparky812](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eb9ed0/32.png) [@Sparky812](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sparky812)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2018, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-justified-in-not-wanting-to-see-speak-to-my-father-again/816280/42 "2018-06-18T16:24:38Z")
I haven’t spoken to my father in over 6 years, and to be honest, I should have cut off contact many, many years before that. He’s always been abusive, verbally, mentally, and physically and this has been increasingly exacerbated by his alcoholism. My coping mechanism from a kid to adulthood was usually avoidance except for on holidays, family gatherings, etc… It was after another miserable, embarrassing, and awful Christmas, a failed intervention, eventually another expensive stay at a rehab (followed by an immediate relapse) that I made a conscious decision not to associate or communicate with him at all. I have 3 children of my own now and I will not allow any his behaviour around them, especially his treatment of my mother as well as my brother, sister, and myself. It brings me to tears whenever I flashback to some of the horrible things he’s said and done to us. I love my kids more than anything and I can’t even fathom how someone could do or say the things he has. You can’t pick your parents but you can choose your own life as well as how and with who you want to spend it. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2018, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-justified-in-not-wanting-to-see-speak-to-my-father-again/816280/43 "2018-06-18T23:50:12Z")
Sounds like you’ve already cut him off. I’m sorry you didn’t have the father you deserved. You do whatever will bring you peace. ---
**Author:** ![Marcus\_Flavius](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a4c791/32.png) [@Marcus\_Flavius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marcus_Flavius)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2018, 1:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-justified-in-not-wanting-to-see-speak-to-my-father-again/816280/44 "2018-06-19T01:00:54Z")
> [@pool](#): > > The plot thickens… I totally forgot this was the OP that thought parents should be relegated to chattel for their offspring and give them free room and board for life, that changes my perspective of the OP a lot. I’d need to hear Dad’s unfiltered side of the story to give an honest opinion. I’m not saying the OP is necessarily lying but maybe he is omitting some important facts, of course his Dad might still be some monster, but it does make me wonder. I do believe that parents should be responsible for the well-being of their offspring for life, but I do not and have never expected this from my own parents. ---
**Author:** ![Marcus\_Flavius](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a4c791/32.png) [@Marcus\_Flavius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marcus_Flavius)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2018, 1:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-justified-in-not-wanting-to-see-speak-to-my-father-again/816280/45 "2018-06-19T01:06:44Z")
> [@DSeid](#): > > There’s a lot more than that in this poster’s posting history that speaks to his having a set of expectations and a filtered reality that might be different than most. It would be surprising to me if dad’s version, and sister’s version, were not both different realities than our OP’s. > OP, you are justified in doing what is best for you, which includes the options of having no contact with your father, to trying to develop a relationship that accepts him with his flaws, or having something in between with contact but of a more controlled and somewhat superficial nature, leaving the door open for gradual increase. Not sure what is best for you and none of us should be so quick to decide for you. > > You have previously described yourself as a loner with life imposed upon you by your parents, who views life as “deficient”, and who is upset over how much you’ve spent on prostitutes for poor sex with little comprehension that a romantic relationship would be other than spending money to get sex. The picture you paint of yourself here is of someone with few to no meaningful relationships and it is not clear whether or not you want any or see value in them. > > _Do_ you want ties to other people? How would doing small contacts with your father, not staying in his house and not even being in a circumstance in which he would have the opportunity to criticize/express his concerns/whatever make you feel? Would doing something that made him feel slightly better that was small, accepting that the two of you need to have limited contact because too much contact just does not work, make you feel a bit better about yourself or worse? > > My take of no real value is that if you cannot answer with confidence that such would be for the worse then erring on having such contact is likely the better choice. FWIW. > No, money you may get from him would not be in any way what would make it worth it. I don’t think having contact with my father, but keeping it relatively minimal, would be worth it. Some people are just fundamentally incompatible with each other, and sometimes they just happen to be your parents. ---
**Author:** ![LordHarry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@LordHarry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LordHarry)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2018, 1:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-justified-in-not-wanting-to-see-speak-to-my-father-again/816280/46 "2018-06-19T01:14:21Z")
Ignore. my post ended up on the wrong thread. ---
**Author:** ![DSeid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dseid/32/20194_2.png) [@DSeid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DSeid)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2018, 1:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-justified-in-not-wanting-to-see-speak-to-my-father-again/816280/47 "2018-06-19T01:38:51Z")
> [@Marcus\_Flavius](#): > > I don’t think having contact with my father, but keeping it relatively minimal, would be worth it. … Then that is your choice and of course you are justified in making whichever choice you decided upon. How about the other question? Do you want emotional ties to other people at all? Are you happiest being a loner or would you prefer more connections? ---
**Author:** ![Marcus\_Flavius](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a4c791/32.png) [@Marcus\_Flavius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marcus_Flavius)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2018, 1:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-justified-in-not-wanting-to-see-speak-to-my-father-again/816280/48 "2018-06-19T01:54:27Z")
> [@DSeid](#): > > Then that is your choice and of course you are justified in making whichever choice you decided upon. > > How about the other question? Do you want emotional ties to other people at all? Are you happiest being a loner or would you prefer more connections? Of course, meaningful connections with others would be best. But when you’ve been forced into solitude by an uncaring mass, you’ve got no choice but to embrace it. ---
**Author:** ![DSeid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dseid/32/20194_2.png) [@DSeid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DSeid)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2018, 2:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-justified-in-not-wanting-to-see-speak-to-my-father-again/816280/49 "2018-06-19T02:38:02Z")
Building connections with a mass that has no current reason to care is difficult, no question. And more difficult for some and in some circumstances than for others, also true. Doing things that give parts of the mass reason _to_ positively care sounds easier than it is. And of course intimacy (and here I am not talking physical intimacy, but emotional connection intimacy) takes time and experience with each other to create as a general rule. But while some are actually most content as relative loners, those who are not do not have to embrace their state or feel that others have forced it upon them. For the little that is worth. ---
**Author:** ![drewder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/57b2e6/32.png) [@drewder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewder)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2018, 3:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-justified-in-not-wanting-to-see-speak-to-my-father-again/816280/50 "2018-06-19T03:05:46Z")
Just remember how many kids grow up never knowing their father. He stayed and played a part in your life which isn’t nothing. ---
**Author:** ![Razncain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9d8465/32.png) [@Razncain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Razncain)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2018, 3:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-justified-in-not-wanting-to-see-speak-to-my-father-again/816280/51 "2018-06-19T03:07:19Z")
> [@Marcus\_Flavius](#): > > I do believe that parents should be responsible for the well-being of their offspring for life, but I do not and have never expected this from my own parents. Not sure how you can believe the first part of the sentence, and not the last. My take on the whole of your OP would be similar to **filmore’s** post # 27 when he said, \* Since he’s the parent, he should act like one and reach out to you. Since he cut off ties, he should be the one to reach out. This sounds like a cycle that feeds his ego. He pushes you away, you come back, he pushes you away, etc.\* So with your mom gone, and now your dad’s gf in the pic, along with your two sisters, do you think your dad is harder on you since you’re only the other male in the household besides himself? Have you ever wondered if he would have treated another male son like you too? > [@Marcus\_Flavius](#): > > But then I went home for Christmas December of 2016, and it was a disaster. Long story short, right before I left he outright told me he doesn’t want me in his house again. A parent just doesn’t say that after a wonderful evening, even a mediocre evening. You cut this short. Let’s have the longer version since you admit it was a disaster. Why? If there was nothing done on your part that you or your sisters or dad’s gf thought was improper, but this is how he treats you anyway, there is no way in Hell, I’d send him diddly squat to make him feel good on fathers day ‘if’ your perception of things is remotely accurate, it would be adios, soyonara, c-ya, wouldn’t want to be ya, good riddance and all of that. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2018, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-justified-in-not-wanting-to-see-speak-to-my-father-again/816280/52 "2018-06-19T15:45:40Z")
> [@Marcus\_Flavius](#): > > I do believe that parents should be responsible for the well-being of their offspring for life, but I do not and have never expected this from my own parents. Not once the kids are adults. Then it’s fly, little bird, be free. I would drive myself nuts trying to handle my grown children’s affairs. ---
**Author:** ![drewder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/57b2e6/32.png) [@drewder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewder)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2018, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-justified-in-not-wanting-to-see-speak-to-my-father-again/816280/53 "2018-06-19T15:54:03Z")
I think when you become an adult the roles start to reverse and the responsibility of care goes onto the children towards the parents. ---
**Author:** ![GargoyleWB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gargoylewb/32/199_2.png) [@GargoyleWB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GargoyleWB)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2018, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-justified-in-not-wanting-to-see-speak-to-my-father-again/816280/54 "2018-06-19T16:05:56Z")
I haven’t spoken to my father in about 15 years. He’d always been alcoholic and domineering, but never outright abusive. He hit my stepmom and sister once, and since then I’ve cut him off. He called me once shortly after to apologize and tell me he ‘sobered and found Jesus’, but I won’t accept that as an excuse or an atonement. ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2018, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-justified-in-not-wanting-to-see-speak-to-my-father-again/816280/55 "2018-06-19T16:07:30Z")
Look, sure cut back contact with him. But I guarantee you that if he passes, you will regret stopping all contact with him. Send him a nice card for birthday, Christmas and Fathers day. Then at least you will have comfort in being the better person. And you wont have terrible racking regrets if something happens. ---
**Author:** ![Just\_Asking\_Questions](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba9def/32.png) [@Just\_Asking\_Questions](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Just_Asking_Questions)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2018, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-justified-in-not-wanting-to-see-speak-to-my-father-again/816280/56 "2018-06-19T16:53:29Z")
> [@DrDeth](#): > > Look, sure cut back contact with him. But I guarantee you that if he passes, you will regret stopping all contact with him. > > Send him a nice card for birthday, Christmas and Fathers day. > > Then at least you will have comfort in being the better person. And you wont have terrible racking regrets if something happens. You’re the first in this thread, so I’ll use your comment as a starting off point, but not picking on you. In the past, threads like this usually have a significant number of posters saying “you’ll regret never contacting them”. Or, “go see them when they are dying, you’ll never get another chance”. I say, fuck that shit. They were the adults when you were a kid. Whatever mistakes you made as a kid pales to the mistakes they made when they should know better. A parent that abuses their kids deserves no second chance. Let them die alone, because that’s how they chose to live. Why is it your job to make their lives better? It makes me doubly mad, because my parents were great, but they were older when I was born. My dad died a long time ago, and I wish he were still around. But butt-reaming asshole fathers live forever, making their children suffer all their lives. Get out, and don’t look back. ---
**Author:** ![Sparky812](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eb9ed0/32.png) [@Sparky812](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sparky812)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2018, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-justified-in-not-wanting-to-see-speak-to-my-father-again/816280/57 "2018-06-19T18:01:15Z")
> [@Just\_Asking\_Questions](#): > > You’re the first in this thread, so I’ll use your comment as a starting off point, but not picking on you. > > In the past, threads like this usually have a significant number of posters saying “you’ll regret never contacting them”. Or, “go see them when they are dying, you’ll never get another chance”. I say, fuck that shit. They were the adults when you were a kid. Whatever mistakes you made as a kid pales to the mistakes they made when they should know better. > > A parent that abuses their kids deserves no second chance. Let them die alone, because that’s how they chose to live. Why is it your job to make their lives better? > > It makes me doubly mad, because my parents were great, but they were older when I was born. My dad died a long time ago, and I wish he were still around. But butt-reaming asshole fathers live forever, making their children suffer all their lives. > > Get out, and don’t look back. Yep, I’ve watched some my favourite people, good fathers and positive male role models get sick, deteriorate, suffer horribly and pass away while the guy that drinks, smokes, and eats terribly, lives on. ---
**Author:** ![Razncain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9d8465/32.png) [@Razncain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Razncain)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2018, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-justified-in-not-wanting-to-see-speak-to-my-father-again/816280/58 "2018-06-19T21:17:30Z")
What **JAQ** said. ---
**Author:** ![Crazy\_Canuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crazy_canuck/32/5282_2.png) [@Crazy\_Canuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crazy_Canuck)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2018, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-justified-in-not-wanting-to-see-speak-to-my-father-again/816280/59 "2018-06-19T21:46:40Z")
> [@DrDeth](#): > > But I guarantee you that if he passes, you will regret stopping all contact with him. I disagree very, very, **very** strongly. I cut my mother completely out of my life when she told me she would rather I was dead than be queer. I was still in the hospital at the time after being gaybashed, when she told me was my own fault for not being quiet about my sexuality and hopefully I’d learned my lesson. That was the final straw, I didn’t talk to her for next three decades, right up until she died over a year ago. I regret **nothing** other than waiting so long to cut a toxic person out of my life. My current SO cut her father out of her life after he sexually assaulted her. AFAIK, she doesn’t regret stopping all contact with him either. If you are in an abusive situation, you don’t owe your abuser a single fucking thing. In my experience, being “the better person” just opens you up to more abuse. Finally, nobody is entitled to your presence in their life, even if they gave birth to you. Please don’t feed this false narrative. It’s hard enough to cut toxic family out of your life, there is no need to make it harder with “you’ll regret it” or “blood is thicker than water” bullshit. ---
**Author:** ![Siam\_Sam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@Siam\_Sam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siam_Sam)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2018, 4:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-justified-in-not-wanting-to-see-speak-to-my-father-again/816280/60 "2018-06-21T04:16:40Z")
> [@Crazy\_Canuck](#): > > I disagree very, very, **very** strongly. > > I cut my mother completely out of my life when she told me she would rather I was dead than be queer. I was still in the hospital at the time after being gaybashed, when she told me was my own fault for not being quiet about my sexuality and hopefully I’d learned my lesson. That was the final straw, I didn’t talk to her for next three decades, right up until she died over a year ago. I regret **nothing** other than waiting so long to cut a toxic person out of my life. Indeed. No regrets here after my mother died. To this day, I think it would have been better for her to die while giving birth and me wondering what she was like rather than, as it turned out, knowing all too well what she was like. My father may have lived longer too, not having been nagged to death. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-justified-in-not-wanting-to-see-speak-to-my-father-again/816280.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-justified-in-not-wanting-to-see-speak-to-my-father-again/816280.md?page=4)