# Am I Justified? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [February 10, 2010, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-justified/528371 "2010-02-10T03:34:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Aeris](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a183cd/32.png) [@Aeris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aeris)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-justified/528371/1 "2010-02-10T03:34:42Z")
The other day I was in the elevator of our apartment building with my boyfriend and one other person who I had never seen before. After a few seconds of this person riding with us, my boyfriend turns to me and says “Why do you always have to do things like that?” I turned to him with a look of utter shock and confusion. Previous to our entrance into the elevator we had been laughing and joking and having a merry old time, completely free of any disagreements or arguments. I didn’t understand where this remark was coming from. After his comment, I didn’t know what to say so I didn’t say anything at all. My face flushed red and I looked to the floor for the rest of the ride. When we got off the elevator and were outside I started questioning him severely about why he would embarrass me like that. He replied, “You should have played along, it would have been funny.” I don’t think it would have been funny, and it was especially not funny because he sprung that on me in front of a perfect stranger. Am I justified in feeling embarrassed and generally perturbed that my boyfriend did that, or am I to quote my boyfriend “being unreasonable”. ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 3:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-justified/528371/2 "2010-02-10T03:39:33Z")
Tell your boyfriend Oak says he’s an asshole. Making strangers uncomfortable for your own amusement isn’t cool or funny, it’s something stupid kids do to announce to the world they have no manners. I suggest no nookie for him for at least a week, even if he does good by ya for Valentines. Also, don’t think you meant to put this in the pit, so I reported it for ya. Please return your seat to the upright position and fasten your seatbelt for the ride to MPSIMS. ---
**Author:** ![Aeris](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a183cd/32.png) [@Aeris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aeris)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 3:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-justified/528371/3 "2010-02-10T03:42:19Z")
Oh, sorry it’s my first thread. Whoops. ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 3:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-justified/528371/4 "2010-02-10T03:42:29Z")
Quick ride. WEEEE! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 3:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-justified/528371/5 "2010-02-10T03:43:08Z")
If he knows you are easily embarrassed and not spontaneous or good at improv, then it was probably rude of him. However I can understand his sense of humour. I’m a fan of non sequiturs. What you quoted did not strike me as particularly funny. He could have done better. I liked the time I got onto an elevator with a coworker, and there was a guy in a gorilla suit in there. He was trying for a reaction, but my coworker and I just chatted normally as if there wasn’t a guy in a gorilla suit with us. ---
**Author:** ![Gfactor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/9de053/32.png) [@Gfactor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gfactor)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 3:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-justified/528371/6 "2010-02-10T03:43:36Z")
Not in the Pit 😉 Moved from The BBQ Pit to Mundane Pointless Stuff I Must Share. **Gfactor** Pit Moderator ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 3:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-justified/528371/7 "2010-02-10T03:44:21Z")
I don’t know that justification is needed for something so obviously messed up, but BF needs a whap upside the head with a wet trout. If he does it again, I say make him an ex-BF and ask the guy in elevator out instead. 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 3:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-justified/528371/8 "2010-02-10T03:44:44Z")
Not unreasonable. Some people may enjoy that sort of practical joke, but many do not. Since he’s never done anything like this before, he had no reason to believe you’d understand what he was doing. ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 3:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-justified/528371/9 "2010-02-10T03:45:22Z")
> [@Aeris](#): > > Oh, sorry it’s my first thread. Whoops. And your de-lurking post, to boot. Welcome aboard the Magical Mystery Board. Some folks will be along shortly to post friendly but ominous references to the standard initiation rituals involving the Squid. Don’t sweat it. There’s pie afterwards. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 3:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-justified/528371/10 "2010-02-10T03:46:13Z")
“What’s the matter? Can’t you take a joke?” Said by assholes all over the world just after they’ve been called on being an asshole. You’re not being unreasonable; you didn’t find it funny, you didn’t enjoy it, and you have every right to feel that way. Is this the first time your boyfriend has ever done something like this, or does he have a pattern of borderline boorish (or outright boorish) behaviour? ---
**Author:** ![Aeris](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a183cd/32.png) [@Aeris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aeris)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 3:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-justified/528371/11 "2010-02-10T03:47:27Z")
> [@](#): > > Since he’s never done anything like this before, he had no reason to believe you’d understand what he was doing. Ahhh, but he does this all the time, and I have told him that it makes me uncomfortable. But he believes that feelings are something that are within one’s control and so therefore it is not HIS fault that I feel uncomfortable, but my own. ---
**Author:** ![Patty\_O\_Furniture](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/96bed5/32.png) [@Patty\_O\_Furniture](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Patty_O_Furniture)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 3:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-justified/528371/12 "2010-02-10T03:47:55Z")
Time to escalate. Start planning your revenge practical joke now. ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 3:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-justified/528371/13 "2010-02-10T03:51:28Z")
> [@Aeris](#): > > Ahhh, but he does this all the time, and I have told him that it makes me uncomfortable. But he believes that feelings are something that are within one’s control and so therefore it is not HIS fault that I feel uncomfortable, but my own. Aw jeeze…now he’s gone from asshole to fuckwit. I vote dump the loser. But not till after Valentines, so he still has to spring for candy/flowers whatever you younguns do these days. ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 3:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-justified/528371/14 "2010-02-10T03:53:41Z")
> [@Aeris](#): > > Ahhh, but he does this all the time, and I have told him that it makes me uncomfortable. But he believes that feelings are something that are within one’s control and so therefore it is not HIS fault that I feel uncomfortable, but my own. Next time you’re naked together, start laughing at his penis. If he gets upset, tell him its his fault he’s uncomfortable. ---
**Author:** ![freckafree](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/freckafree/32/3050_2.png) [@freckafree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/freckafree)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 3:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-justified/528371/15 "2010-02-10T03:57:23Z")
I agree with what **Oak** said about making strangers uncomfortable. But on top of that is your boyfriend’s pretty unforgivable attitude that you’re a stick in the mud for not figuring out what the hell he was doing. His attitude would be unforgivable even if you did know what he was doing and decided not to play along. The “you just can’t take a joke” defense does not fly with me. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 4:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-justified/528371/16 "2010-02-10T04:05:36Z")
> [@Aeris](#): > > Ahhh, but he does this all the time, and I have told him that it makes me uncomfortable. But he believes that feelings are something that are within one’s control and so therefore it is not HIS fault that I feel uncomfortable, but my own. The word “incompatible” comes to mind. ---
**Author:** ![mischievous](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c2a13f/32.png) [@mischievous](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mischievous)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 4:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-justified/528371/17 "2010-02-10T04:07:22Z")
I’ve always rather enjoyed situations like that - sort of a public twenty questions. My boyfriend and I would walk into a subway car, and he would turn to me and say something like “Was it purplish?” and we would spend the next ten minutes having a loud, progressively more outrageous conversation without the faintest idea what we’re talking about. Good fun. I can’t blame your boyfriend for trying this once or twice - it really is a blast. But if you’ve made it clear that you don’t enjoy it, then it’s time for him to stop. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 4:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-justified/528371/18 "2010-02-10T04:12:38Z")
> [@TruCelt](#): > > The word “incompatible” comes to mind. Yeah, that’s the word that’s coming to my mind, too (well, the polite one). That’s great, the way he’s learned just enough about feelings to confuse you and twist things around so it’s _your_ fault when he acts in a way you don’t like. I’ll make this as clear as I can - you are not at fault here. You have every right to not like what he does - I wouldn’t like it either. It doesn’t make him a bad guy, but it might make him not the right guy for YOU (he wouldn’t be for me, either). ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 4:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-justified/528371/19 "2010-02-10T04:27:47Z")
Tell him I said he should grow up. Unless of course, he’s just a teenager. In that case, this kind of attention seeking is par for the course. If he’s over 20 though, he ought to seriously think about growing up a little. You could escalate, next time he pulls this crap, at the first opportunity, walk away, leave him in the dust. If he doesn’t pursue you to find out what’s wrong, don’t look back, move on to someone else and drop him like a bad habit. If he does want to know what’s up, tell him straight out that you are only interested in dating men - you gave up boys after highschool, he either has to choose to act like an adult, in your company, and stop being an embarrassment to you, or, he needs to date someone who more enjoys his, ‘sense of humour’, as you’ve made it clear that this behaviour does not amuse you. Not yesterday, not today, and not tomorrow. ---
**Author:** ![Grapefruit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/73ab20/32.png) [@Grapefruit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grapefruit)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 5:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-justified/528371/20 "2010-02-10T05:25:07Z")
Contrary to the BS you’ve been fed, no you can’t control your feelings. Feelings are what happens when you have a reaction to someone else’s action. Actions, on the other hand, are completely under your control. From this scenario, it seems like your boyfriend’s main action is to try to manipulate your feelings, which is not what someone who cares about you does. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-justified/528371.md?page=2)