# Am I Justified? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [February 10, 2010, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-justified/528371 "2010-02-10T03:34:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 7\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 5:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-justified/528371/21 "2010-02-10T05:29:21Z")
> [@Grapefruit](#): > > From this scenario, it seems like your boyfriend’s main action is to try to manipulate your feelings, which is not what someone who cares about you does. True. Also a common tactic from abusers in domestic violence scenarios. Not saying that the OP’s boyfriend is abusive, but that sort of emotional manipulation is one of the warning signs. ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 5:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-justified/528371/22 "2010-02-10T05:32:38Z")
> [@Aeris](#): > > Ahhh, but he does this all the time, and I have told him that it makes me uncomfortable. But he believes that feelings are something that are within one’s control and so therefore it is not HIS fault that I feel uncomfortable, but my own. RUN far and fast. Sorry, but truly, it will spare you more grief later on. ---
**Author:** ![Maiira](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f04885/32.png) [@Maiira](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maiira)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 8:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-justified/528371/23 "2010-02-10T08:02:53Z")
> [@Aeris](#): > > Ahhh, but he does this all the time, and I have told him that it makes me uncomfortable. But he believes that feelings are something that are within one’s control and so therefore it is not HIS fault that I feel uncomfortable, but my own. No. No no no no no. That is NOT okay. Someone who dismisses your feelings so easily like that does not give you the proper amount of respect that you deserve. I say dump his ass. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Bith\_Shuffle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ce73a5/32.png) [@The\_Bith\_Shuffle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Bith_Shuffle)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 8:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-justified/528371/24 "2010-02-10T08:10:45Z")
> [@Aeris](#): > > Ahhh, but he does this all the time, and I have told him that it makes me uncomfortable. But he believes that feelings are something that are within one’s control and so therefore it is not HIS fault that I feel uncomfortable, but my own. I know a lot about the tactics people use in arguments, and this one is really common. He’s presenting the “argument from total emotional flexibility”. It’s a tactic that can be used to justify anything. Basically, if somebody is being a dick and it annoys you, they argue that you can just change, so really it’s your fault that you’re annoyed. When I say that this tactic could be used to justify anything, I really mean that. He could cheat on you and tell you about it, and when you got pissed at him, he’d say “it’s not my fault you’re so bitchy about my doing what I want”. A lot of people try to be fashionably blasé about hurting other people’s feelings. They act as though anyone who objects to their behavior is just some sore bitch who needs to get a sense of humor. If I were you, I wouldn’t deal with his shit, I’d just dump him. ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 8:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-justified/528371/25 "2010-02-10T08:59:22Z")
[This](http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2ei7w_ascenseur-disco-remi-gaillard_fun) is how you mess with people on an elevator. What he did was…what everyone else said. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 12:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-justified/528371/26 "2010-02-10T12:34:03Z")
> [@Aeris](#): > > Ahhh, but he does this all the time, and I have told him that it makes me uncomfortable. But he believes that feelings are something that are within one’s control and so therefore it is not HIS fault that I feel uncomfortable, but my own. Time to get a fair amount of gone between you and him. That statement should have raised a big red flag. ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 1:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-justified/528371/27 "2010-02-10T13:29:40Z")
It turns out that the BF is a member of the SDMB, and the OP joined just to ask this question here. We very much prefer that couples keep their real-life disagreements off the boards, so I’m going to lock this down. twickster, MPSIMS moderator [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-justified/528371.md?page=1)