# Am I losing my sanity, my marriage, or both? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 22, 2023, 2:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-losing-my-sanity-my-marriage-or-both/984422 "2023-05-22T14:09:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 13
**Author:** ![Babale](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/babale/32/15666_2.png) [@Babale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Babale)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2023, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-losing-my-sanity-my-marriage-or-both/984422/241 "2023-05-26T21:00:46Z")
⚡ ⚡ ⚡ ⚡ ⚡ ⚡ ⚡ ⚡ ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2023, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-losing-my-sanity-my-marriage-or-both/984422/242 "2023-05-26T21:06:12Z")
> [@Akaj](#): > > Meanwhile, send some positive energy my way! 😜 😵‍💫 🪬 🪔 🕉 As I was reading this there was a peal of thunder from the rainstorm nearby outside. It’s all yours now. Either come back with your shield or on it. 😉 Good luck. Seriously, not snarkily. ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2023, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-losing-my-sanity-my-marriage-or-both/984422/243 "2023-05-26T21:29:05Z")
You got this ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2023, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-losing-my-sanity-my-marriage-or-both/984422/244 "2023-05-26T22:50:48Z")
And like I said earlier, we’re only hearing his side of the story. ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2023, 3:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-losing-my-sanity-my-marriage-or-both/984422/245 "2023-05-27T03:39:24Z")
> [@Akaj](#): > > I’ll also single out my favorite response so far: 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Akaj](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/akaj/32/145_2.png) [@Akaj](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Akaj)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2023, 1:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-losing-my-sanity-my-marriage-or-both/984422/246 "2023-05-30T13:38:48Z")
So here’s how it went this weekend. Cool evening, firepit on the patio, drinks and smokes. We talk. A paraphrased transcript, edited for brevity: Me: My yang is as important as your yin, and my energy needs the stability of knowing that our finances are sound. Her: That sounds like you doubt my ability to eventually contribute a lot more income, and your doubt isn’t supportive. Me: I’ve expressed my support a thousand different ways. You can’t take one statement and just throw out the other 99 and say I’m not supporting you. Her: I just need to know that you believe in me. Me: I 100% believe in you, but I need you to 100% trust me that when I talk about money, it’s not an expression of not believing in you. (_break for a five-minute visualization session_) Me: So, here’s the deal. We have neutral to negative cash flow, and at our age that makes me very uncomfortable. Until our income starts to go up, we both have to be smarter about spending money. Her: I know I should have asked you about the crystal, but its destiny was to be with me. Me: Be that as it may, that money could have paid for the new tires on your car. We’re probably going to have to dip into savings to pay our next Visa bill. Can we agree on not making any more big purchases without checking with each other? Her: Yes. Me: Can I also share a big-picture view of our spending so we can set some limits on ourselves? Her: As long I know you believe in me, I’m willing to listen. TLDR … For the price of claiming to believe in her 100%, I got past the hurdle of my financial concerns harshing her mellow. Next step is to show her the data that demonstrates that her personal spending is the 2nd largest line item (after dining out) in our discretionary outflows. Hopefully she’ll agree to some limits and stick to them. ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2023, 1:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-losing-my-sanity-my-marriage-or-both/984422/247 "2023-05-30T13:41:14Z")
Thanks for the update. I’m wishing you well (and sending good vibes). ---
**Author:** ![NinthAcolyte](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ninthacolyte/32/13676_2.png) [@NinthAcolyte](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NinthAcolyte)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2023, 1:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-losing-my-sanity-my-marriage-or-both/984422/248 "2023-05-30T13:47:14Z")
This sounds _extremely_ promising, I’m really glad y’all had a productive conversation. Best of luck for the next step in the process. ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2023, 2:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-losing-my-sanity-my-marriage-or-both/984422/249 "2023-05-30T14:08:59Z")
'Zactly. Thirding the hopes for success building on what appears to be a good foundation. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2023, 2:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-losing-my-sanity-my-marriage-or-both/984422/250 "2023-05-30T14:24:10Z")
> [@Akaj](#): > > Her: I just need to know that you believe in me. I think she’s repeating this idea a lot because it’s so important to her, and _because you don’t believe in her_. > [@you](#): > > For the price of claiming to believe in her 100% > … > I think they’re all horseshit, frankly, > … > woo nonsense But here’s the thing: I don’t think it’s fair for her to ask for you to “believe in her” in the sense that you should believe these things aren’t horseshit woo nonsense. I think what she should ask is that you _accept her_. These things–which you don’t like at all–make her happy. I worry that if she wants you to believe in her, your “claiming” to believe in her is going to lead to inevitable trouble. Is it possible to say, clearly, “Look, I don’t believe this stuff is true, and I probably never will, but I don’t need to believe it’s true to know that it brings you joy and happiness. What I believe is that you deserve joy and happiness, and my beliefs about this stuff are not important.” It may be hard for her to accept that you think it’s all horseshit, but I think ultimately it’ll be better for her to accept that _and to accept that you still love her_ than for you to claim that you believe in her and for her to harbor (correct) suspicions that you don’t really. Does that make sense? I bought a Nintendo Switch last week, and I played the hell out of it over the weekend, and I played it with our kids a lot. I mentioned to my wife how it was a lovely way to connect with the kids, and then I added something about how I knew it wasn’t her thing. She interrupted me and said something to the effect of, “Hey, you work hard, and it makes you happy and helps you relax, so I think it’s great.” She doesn’t “believe in me” in the sense that she thinks videogames are awesome; she “believes in me” in the sense that she wants me to be happy, even if it’s doing something she thinks is dumb. I can live with that. ---
**Author:** ![Saint\_Cad](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saint_cad/32/18907_2.png) [@Saint\_Cad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saint_Cad)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2023, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-losing-my-sanity-my-marriage-or-both/984422/251 "2023-05-30T14:28:18Z")
> [@Euphonious\_Polemic](#): > > This makes absolute sense, and is indeed the mature, adult way to go about solving this problem. And assumes everyone is rational and logical when discussing [insert relationship issue here]. ---
**Author:** ![Saint\_Cad](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saint_cad/32/18907_2.png) [@Saint\_Cad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saint_Cad)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2023, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-losing-my-sanity-my-marriage-or-both/984422/252 "2023-05-30T14:37:34Z")
> [@Sam\_Stone](#): > > Look, I think Crystals and Reiki and all that stuff are absolute horseshit. But do you know what else is? About a million things men and women spend their money on. I don’t see how a $350 crystal globe is any different than a set of $350 audio cables or $350 spent on another guitar, or $350 spent for another watch, or any number of things spouses blow their money on that makes them happy but which has no other value. Mrs Cad spends money on weight loss items like this drink or that cellulite cream. It’s BS but my attitude is that if it gives her positivity about her medical issues then fine, I can deal with the money issues. The only time I lost my shit on her and said, “You will NOT spend **our** money on this.” was the $600 on homeopathic “medicine”. However I explained AND backed up with tons of references that she just spent $600 on 0.4¢ of tap water and she understood and hasn’t done it since. But yeah, that discussion could have quickly gone the other direction. ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2023, 2:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-losing-my-sanity-my-marriage-or-both/984422/253 "2023-05-30T14:40:42Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > But here’s the thing: I don’t think it’s fair for her to ask for you to “believe in her” in the sense that you should believe these things aren’t horseshit woo nonsense. I think what she should ask is that you _accept her_. These things–which you don’t like at all–make her happy. > > I worry that if she wants you to believe in her, your “claiming” to believe in her is going to lead to inevitable trouble. Is it possible to say, clearly, “Look, I don’t believe this stuff is true, and I probably never will, but I don’t need to believe it’s true to know that it brings you joy and happiness. What I believe is that you deserve joy and happiness, and my beliefs about this stuff are not important.” > > It may be hard for her to accept that you think it’s all horseshit, but I think ultimately it’ll be better for her to accept that _and to accept that you still love her_ than for you to claim that you believe in her and for her to harbor (correct) suspicions that you don’t really. > > Does that make sense? I think this is a complete misdiagnosis of what the woman means by “believe in me.” I think what she means is he should trust that she has excellent judgment and that she can succeed at _her_ goals. More specifically he should believe that her ideas of making this a successful business are real and will actually occur, and that he should believe that she is not oblivious to the expense along the way. Whether he believes in woo nonsense (and whether she thinks he does or does not) is utterly beside _her_ point. Which is a bit of a change from where we were back at the first post. Whether that is actual change or she simply said what she thought he wanted to hear, or he simply heard what he wanted to hear are all interesting questions. Talk is cheap and actions over time will tell. On both sides. ---
**Author:** ![Saint\_Cad](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saint_cad/32/18907_2.png) [@Saint\_Cad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saint_Cad)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2023, 2:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-losing-my-sanity-my-marriage-or-both/984422/254 "2023-05-30T14:41:58Z")
> [@Velocity](#): > > I think the major difference here is that people who buy guitars, audio cables or watches, don’t expect them to do anything **magical**. I disagree I’ll learn to play the guitar and be totally awesome with very little practice. These cables will make my audio sound degrees better. Look it counts my steps so I’ll lose 10 lb a week. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2023, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-losing-my-sanity-my-marriage-or-both/984422/255 "2023-05-30T14:45:58Z")
> [@LSLGuy](#): > > I think this is a complete misdiagnosis of what the woman means by “believe in me.” > > I think what she means is he should trust that she has excellent judgment and that she can succeed at _her_ goals. More specifically he should believe that her ideas of making this a successful business are real and will actually occur, and that he should believe that she is not oblivious to the expense along the way. I don’t think you understand what I’m saying. While you may be right–that she means “believe in my business acumen”–everything else in my post remains the same. It’s not necessary to believe in her business acument; it’s necessary to accept that her activities bring her joy. If she insists on his believing in her business acumen, and he intends to “claim to believe in her,” I don’t think that’s a recipe for success. ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2023, 2:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-losing-my-sanity-my-marriage-or-both/984422/256 "2023-05-30T14:49:12Z")
The better comparison is people who buy several musical instruments over the years but don’t follow up and learn to play them after the first few weeks or already have four guitars and want a fifth one when the family is on a tight budget. Anyway, great start @Akaj and good luck. I took “believe in me” as believe I can make this a viable business, not believe that the globe has magic powers. ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2023, 2:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-losing-my-sanity-my-marriage-or-both/984422/257 "2023-05-30T14:53:08Z")
> [@hajario](#): > > I took “believe in me” as believe I can make this a viable business, not believe that the globe has magic powers. I took it as more nebulous than either of those—something like “you support me” or “you care about me” or “you’re on my side.” Which might include things like not visibly rolling his eyes at statements like “I know I should have asked you about the crystal, but its destiny was to be with me,” as I would have been tempted to do. ---
**Author:** ![Akaj](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/akaj/32/145_2.png) [@Akaj](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Akaj)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2023, 2:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-losing-my-sanity-my-marriage-or-both/984422/258 "2023-05-30T14:53:30Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > I think she’s repeating this idea a lot because it’s so important to her, and _because you don’t believe in her_. > [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > But here’s the thing: I don’t think it’s fair for her to ask for you to “believe in her” in the sense that you should believe these things aren’t horseshit woo nonsense. I think what she should ask is that you _accept her_. These things–which you don’t like at all–make her happy. > [@LSLGuy](#): > > I think what she means is he should trust that she has excellent judgment and that she can succeed at _her_ goals. More specifically he should believe that her ideas of making this a successful business are real and will actually occur, and that he should believe that she is not oblivious to the expense along the way. > > Whether he believes in woo nonsense (and whether she thinks he does or does not) is utterly beside _her_ point. You’re both sort of right and sort of wrong. I do 100% believe in her in that I 100% accept that she can use this woo stuff to help people feel better. I’ve seen it happen. Are those people laboring under the same delusions she is? Of course! But the placebo effect is real, and as long as she’s not promising specific health claims (a bright line she already respects as a massage therapist) I don’t feel like she’s perpetuating any great fraud. That said, **believing in her does not equal believing in the woo**. She knows I’m extremely skeptical about most of the specific practices, and I’ve told her outright that I won’t let her read my cards because it’s complete bullshit. ---
**Author:** ![Akaj](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/akaj/32/145_2.png) [@Akaj](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Akaj)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2023, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-losing-my-sanity-my-marriage-or-both/984422/259 "2023-05-30T14:54:47Z")
> [@Thudlow\_Boink](#): > > not visibly rolling his eyes at statements like “I know I should have asked you about the crystal, but its destiny was to be with me,” It was dark, and we were both looking up at the sky. My eyes rolled so hard I’m surprised they’re still in my head. ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2023, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-losing-my-sanity-my-marriage-or-both/984422/260 "2023-05-30T14:55:21Z")
ETA: @Akaj’s comments just above weren’t there when I wrote this. > [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > I don’t think you understand what I’m saying. > > While you may be right–that she means “believe in my business acumen”–everything else in my post remains the same. It’s not necessary to believe in her business acument; it’s necessary to accept that her activities bring her joy. If she insists on his believing in her business acumen, and he intends to “claim to believe in her,” I don’t think that’s a recipe for success. Perhaps I don’t follow you. It sounds to me like you’re oscillating between asserting he must believe in woo or else he’s being false to her versus also asserting that he must believe she can make herself happy by her lights or else he’s being false to her. Those are two very different propositions that I think you have mixed together. Or I misunderstand what you’re saying. I’m not trying to sound hostile or disagreeable. Nor to assert that I am right and that you are wrong. There’s certainly room for lots of interpretations of the byplay between these two folks who we just barely know. Speaking just for me, not in the context of your comments: I suspect that when she says “I need you to believe in me”, that smells to cynical me a lot like her saying: > Whatever I decide at any time for any reason or no reason is what I need you to support. In some sense I don’t care about whatever belief is between your (his) ears. What I need (demand?) is your unconditional acquiescence (and vigorous cheerleading?) that whatever I do is the right thing for me to be doing at that moment. Anything less than that is not “support of me” and is therefore not “belief in me”. I _hope_ that’s not what’s going on, but I have my suspicions. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-losing-my-sanity-my-marriage-or-both/984422.md?page=12) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-losing-my-sanity-my-marriage-or-both/984422.md?page=14)