# Am I losing my sanity, my marriage, or both? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 22, 2023, 2:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-losing-my-sanity-my-marriage-or-both/984422 "2023-05-22T14:09:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 14
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2023, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-losing-my-sanity-my-marriage-or-both/984422/261 "2023-05-30T15:04:17Z")
> [@Akaj](#): > > I do 100% believe in her in that I 100% accept that she can use this woo stuff to help people feel better. I’ve seen it happen. Are those people laboring under the same delusions she is? Of course! But the placebo effect is real, and as long as she’s not promising specific health claims (a bright line she already respects as a massage therapist) I don’t feel like she’s perpetuating any great fraud. > > That said, **believing in her does not equal believing in the woo**. She knows I’m extremely skeptical about most of the specific practices, and I’ve told her outright that I won’t let her read my cards because it’s complete bullshit. That makes sense. I’m glad she doesn’t find your lack of faith disturbing–that can get ominous. I’m still a little concerned about your saying you “claim to believe in her 100%”–that feels to me like a bit of less-than-honesty that can come back to bite you. Clarifying where you might not believe in her, but still support her, may be helpful. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2023, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-losing-my-sanity-my-marriage-or-both/984422/262 "2023-05-30T15:05:18Z")
> [@LSLGuy](#): > > It sounds to me like you’re oscillating between asserting he must believe in woo or else he’s being false to her versus also asserting that he must believe she can make herself happy by her lights or else he’s being false to her. Those are two very different propositions that I think you have mixed together. Or I misunderstand what you’re saying. Oh. I definitely don’t mean to advise anywhere or in any way that he must believe in woo, and I apologize for giving that impression. It’s not at all what I’m trying to say. ---
**Author:** ![Pleonast](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pleonast/32/1183_2.png) [@Pleonast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pleonast)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2023, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-losing-my-sanity-my-marriage-or-both/984422/263 "2023-05-30T15:05:42Z")
> [@Akaj](#): > > It was dark, and we were both looking up at the sky. My eyes rolled so hard I’m surprised they’re still in my head. It’s unlikely that you’re hiding your feelings as well as you think you are. ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2023, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-losing-my-sanity-my-marriage-or-both/984422/264 "2023-05-30T15:06:31Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > Oh. I definitely don’t mean to advise anywhere or in any way that he must believe in woo, and I apologize for giving that impression. It’s not at all what I’m trying to say I think we’re in sync now. Yes, I agree completely with you that insincerity towards your spouse is a real time-bomb in any marriage. Regardless of what the insincerity is about. ---
**Author:** ![Akaj](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/akaj/32/145_2.png) [@Akaj](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Akaj)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2023, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-losing-my-sanity-my-marriage-or-both/984422/265 "2023-05-30T15:09:57Z")
> [@Pleonast](#): > > > [@Akaj](#): > > > > It was dark, and we were both looking up at the sky. My eyes rolled so hard I’m surprised they’re still in my head. > > It’s unlikely that you’re hiding your feelings as well as you think you are. Oh, she _heard_ my eyes rolling. After all this time together, she knows when she’s saying something I’ll find eye-roll worthy, and would probably be disappointed if I didn’t. ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2023, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-losing-my-sanity-my-marriage-or-both/984422/266 "2023-05-30T15:19:34Z")
“What happened to the last chocolate chip cookie?” “Its desitiny was to be eaten by me.” ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2023, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-losing-my-sanity-my-marriage-or-both/984422/267 "2023-05-30T16:03:44Z")
I feel like your reaction to “its destiny was to be with me” could have been something along the lines of: “That’s fine, but it was a big hit to our budget that month. I would have been a lot happier of you had told me about it, and we budgeted for it, and paid for it in a month when we didn’t also have to buy new tires. Maybe we could have skipped eating out a few times to make room for it in the budget.” I also get the sense you are both lying. You say you support her 100% and she says she cares about your concerns regarding the cash flow. I hope I’m wrong about that. ---
**Author:** ![Akaj](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/akaj/32/145_2.png) [@Akaj](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Akaj)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2023, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-losing-my-sanity-my-marriage-or-both/984422/268 "2023-05-30T16:27:31Z")
> [@puzzlegal](#): > > I also get the sense you are both lying. You say you support her 100% and she says she cares about your concerns regarding the cash flow. Well, yes. People say things when they’re stoned and gazing at the stars that may not hold up in the cold light of day. It’s impossible for me to support her 100% if, in her eyes, objecting to the next woo purchase lowers that number to 99%. Similarly, she can care about my concern and still protest that it’s overblown. I choose to believe we both meant what we said in the moment. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2023, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-losing-my-sanity-my-marriage-or-both/984422/269 "2023-05-30T17:00:24Z")
That’s fine. I still stand by the first part of my post. ---
**Author:** ![Sam\_Stone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Sam\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sam_Stone)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2023, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-losing-my-sanity-my-marriage-or-both/984422/270 "2023-05-31T22:26:27Z")
> [@Akaj](#): > > Well, yes. People say things when they’re stoned and gazing at the stars that may not hold up in the cold light of day. I suggest not having serious relationship discussions while stoned. Your filters are not working right, and you might say something you regret or didn’t mean. ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2023, 10:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-losing-my-sanity-my-marriage-or-both/984422/271 "2023-05-31T22:43:33Z")
> [@Akaj](#): > > Me: I’ve expressed my support a thousand different ways. You can’t take one statement and just throw out the other 99 and say I’m not supporting you. I think I see the problem. Y’all are terrible at math! ---
**Author:** ![Akaj](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/akaj/32/145_2.png) [@Akaj](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Akaj)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2023, 12:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-losing-my-sanity-my-marriage-or-both/984422/272 "2023-06-01T12:44:54Z")
> [@Sam\_Stone](#): > > I suggest not having serious relationship discussions while stoned. Your filters are not working right, and you might say something you regret or didn’t mean. Well … > [@Gatopescado](#): > > I think I see the problem. Y’all are terrible at math! Especially when stoned. ---
**Author:** ![Cardigan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cardigan/32/187_2.png) [@Cardigan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cardigan)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2023, 1:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-losing-my-sanity-my-marriage-or-both/984422/273 "2023-06-01T13:53:47Z")
Speak to your wife using language which will be most likely resonate with her. Take this New Agey graphic, for example: [![](https://media.licdn.com/dms/image/C5622AQED8LLsbOOhCQ/feedshare-shrink_800/0/1664604517786?e=1688601600&v=beta&t=BiBDKfFq0goQOqRnh9udvJIj6tAfc_YLvXPOqx6qp6w) ](https://media.licdn.com/dms/image/C5622AQED8LLsbOOhCQ/feedshare-shrink_800/0/1664604517786?e=1688601600&v=beta&t=BiBDKfFq0goQOqRnh9udvJIj6tAfc_YLvXPOqx6qp6w) If it helps you any, bear in mind that this graphic could just as easily been devised by stoics like Seneca, Epictetus, or Marcus Aurelius. You can’t control your wife’s actions but you may be able to influence her behavior. Show her this graphic and explain to her that you’re confronting a situation where your partner is unintentionally affecting your well-being by purchasing things - that while really cool on one level - potentially have negative impacts on other aspects of life - like being able to make mortgage payments and keep a roof over your head. Ask HER for help on how you can deal with this. Or speak of the household budget in terms of Yin & Yang. Purchasing a power crystal must necessarily balance with something else… ---
**Author:** ![Akaj](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/akaj/32/145_2.png) [@Akaj](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Akaj)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2023, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-losing-my-sanity-my-marriage-or-both/984422/274 "2023-06-01T14:02:09Z")
> [@Cardigan](#): > > … negative impacts on other aspects of life - like being able to make mortgage payments and keep a roof over your head. As it happens, some people in my department were just let go yesterday. Mrs. A said, “We need to make sure we’re OK if you’re next.” I said, “Let me pull some numbers together and we’ll talk.” Stay tuned. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2023, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-losing-my-sanity-my-marriage-or-both/984422/275 "2023-06-01T14:17:02Z")
> [@Velocity](#): > > I think the major difference here is that people who buy guitars, audio cables or watches, don’t expect them to do anything **magical**. It’s not as different as you think, though. There are two separate issues here; one is differences in belief over woo, and the other is disagreement over finances. I am with Sam here one hundred percent; in terms of financials, there isn’t really any difference in spending $350 on Hobby A versus Hobby B. I can easily blow $350 in one month on playing golf with my buddies, which is not objectively a useful expenditure of money beyond sheer enjoyment. Whether a couple an AFFORD one partner to blow $350 on a hobby they don’t share with their partner is the issue there. Some couples could see one person or the other waste ten times that, and some can’t afford to blow $35. As @Sam_Stone points out, if that is an issue, it’s a very serious one; disagreements over finances will wreck a marriage very, very quickly. I get the sense from the OP that the expenditures are, at the very least, a significant worry. The phrase “We can’t afford” was used. If that’s the case it’s a problem even if the OP believes in all this woo. A SEPARATE issue is the matter of different beliefs and whether that is an insurmountable barrier. Couples do not have to have the same beliefs regarding matters of the supernatural, but it definitely can be a problem; it depends on what beliefs we’re talking about and their mutual willingnesss to tolerate differences. ---
**Author:** ![Jasmine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jasmine/32/2964_2.png) [@Jasmine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jasmine)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2023, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-losing-my-sanity-my-marriage-or-both/984422/276 "2023-06-01T14:28:47Z")
This is good news and a very encouraging response on her part! Hey, I hereby rescind my legal pursuit for her involuntary commitment. LOL ---
**Author:** ![Cheesesteak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheesesteak/32/3694_2.png) [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2023, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-losing-my-sanity-my-marriage-or-both/984422/277 "2023-06-01T14:47:18Z")
I think it’s also fair to bring the Godfather into the discussion. It’s business, not personal. There is a difference between spending money on your wife’s interests, the things she enjoys that make her happy, and investing in a business. Business investments need to have at least a nod toward the practical, toward a sober reconciliation of how this investment will pay us back. The MBA in me says the payback is WHY we are investing, it isn’t a lucky coincidence that you earn money, it’s the purpose of having a business. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2023, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-losing-my-sanity-my-marriage-or-both/984422/278 "2023-06-01T14:52:03Z")
I might use language different than “can’t afford” just my idiosyncratic thing as a YNAB veteran, stress that we are prioritizing X, or even “that’s not in the budget right now.” It’s easy to rationalize “can’t afford” with so much discretionary money available. “Sure we can. The money’s right here.” But it’s it’s clearly earmarked for something else, we are following Rule 1: Give Every Dollar a Job. I really can’t recommend YNAB strongly enough, maybe it would help her to see visually how these dollars are allocated. Maybe she’ll be like me, the former financial disaster who became so obsessed with YNAB she voluntarily offered to start managing the household finances. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2023, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-losing-my-sanity-my-marriage-or-both/984422/279 "2023-06-01T14:57:53Z")
> [@Spice\_Weasel](#): > > I might use language different than “can’t afford” I totally agree. You obviously CAN afford it. You just can’t afford to buy stuff like that all the time without cutting back in other areas. It seems more helpful to take about budgeting and priorities. (And what’s YNAB?) ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2023, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-losing-my-sanity-my-marriage-or-both/984422/280 "2023-06-01T15:21:16Z")
You Need a Budget. [www.ynab.com](http://www.ynab.com) I’ve been using it for about twelve years. For someone to whom financial planning does not come easily, it’s been a godsend. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-losing-my-sanity-my-marriage-or-both/984422.md?page=13) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-losing-my-sanity-my-marriage-or-both/984422.md?page=15)