# Am I overly concerned: father/daughter comment? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 6, 2018, 3:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-overly-concerned-father-daughter-comment/810095 "2018-03-06T03:20:29Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![WordMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e8c25b/32.png) [@WordMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WordMan)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2018, 10:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-overly-concerned-father-daughter-comment/810095/21 "2018-03-06T10:39:44Z")
Just ask yourself: how would it sound if Trump said it about Ivanka? šŸ˜‰ As to the OP, I agree with the others who say there isnā€™t enough info, but yeah, itā€™s unclear. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2018, 1:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-overly-concerned-father-daughter-comment/810095/22 "2018-03-06T13:16:45Z")
> [@Heckity](#): > > I know a young man who is by all accounts a good man and devoted father. He is 34 and his daughters are 6 and 4. > > The other day, while grinning ear-to-ear, he said his 4 year old daughter is ā€œa foxā€. I instantly recoiled and said that was an inappropriate comment regarding his daughter as Iā€™ve only ever known the term to be used by men who are sexually attracted to someone theyā€™ve called a fox. When you said this, how did he react, if he did react? Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2018, 1:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-overly-concerned-father-daughter-comment/810095/23 "2018-03-06T13:29:30Z")
On the scale of abuse, where: 1 = Teaches daughter that her worth is based upon her looks 5 = Encourages other men to see her as an object and tries to ā€œMarry her offā€ to a wealthy guy 10 = Uses her sexually himself while still a child . . . this guy could just be a 1. But he definitely bears watching. And if you have the chance, be a countering force in this childā€™s life. Give her compliments based upon her character, persistence, intelligence, etc. And let him hear you doing it. Your spidey sense is tingling, donā€™t ignore it, just donā€™t overreact. ---
**Author:** ![Heckity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a5b964/32.png) [@Heckity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heckity)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2018, 1:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-overly-concerned-father-daughter-comment/810095/24 "2018-03-06T13:31:41Z")
Thatā€™s a great question, **Shodan**. He was defensive actually. I donā€™t recall his precise response, but there wasnā€™t an explanation or qualifying comment that Iā€™d misunderstood his meaning. Iā€™m beginning to think, as **Riemann** suggested upthread, that heā€™s inept at determining where the ā€œlineā€ is. ---
**Author:** ![Heckity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a5b964/32.png) [@Heckity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heckity)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2018, 1:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-overly-concerned-father-daughter-comment/810095/25 "2018-03-06T13:38:53Z")
I will do precisely that, **TruCelt** , thank you. Youā€™ve nicely synthesized my concerns. While my own father never commented on my looks, he went from beating me to sexually abusing me. That had the predictable outcome of low self esteem and promiscuity as I felt for years that the only positive male attention I could hope for was sexual. I am loathe to let that happen to another little girl. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2018, 1:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-overly-concerned-father-daughter-comment/810095/26 "2018-03-06T13:52:27Z")
Was this Huggy Bear from Starsky and Hutch? I thought fox as a term for a sexy woman was decades out of date. It would sound strange to me under any context. ---
**Author:** ![Jophiel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jophiel/32/66_2.png) [@Jophiel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jophiel)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2018, 2:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-overly-concerned-father-daughter-comment/810095/27 "2018-03-06T14:00:43Z")
> [@Heckity](#): > > But again I didnā€™t ask questions about his meaning. I will do that the next time I see him. It could very well be innocent on his part. > [@Heckity](#): > > Iā€™m fairly certain it wasnā€™t intended that way but Iā€™m absolutely going to get clarity. I suppose that trying to bring up ā€œSo, yesterday, when you said your daughter was a fox, what did exactly did you mean by that? Hrmmmm?ā€ is one way to guarantee that he never speaks about his daughter to you again. ---
**Author:** ![Jasmine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jasmine/32/2964_2.png) [@Jasmine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jasmine)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2018, 2:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-overly-concerned-father-daughter-comment/810095/28 "2018-03-06T14:01:44Z")
> [@Heckity](#): > > I instantly recoiled and said that was an inappropriate comment regarding his daughter as Iā€™ve only ever known the term to be used by men who are sexually attracted to someone theyā€™ve called a fox. What did he then say? Someone else asked this, but I didnā€™t see a response from you. ---
**Author:** ![Heckity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a5b964/32.png) [@Heckity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heckity)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2018, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-overly-concerned-father-daughter-comment/810095/29 "2018-03-06T14:18:14Z")
I donā€™t recall his exact words after I said that, but he was defensive about what I said. He didnā€™t suggest that Iā€™d misunderstood; instead he was initially surprised then said something defensive. It was all in a matter of seconds. My reflection, then reaching out to you all, is in recognition that language changes over time and perhaps ā€œfoxā€ doesnā€™t mean what it once did; and that I may be hyper-vigilant given my own history. But then I donā€™t want to over correct and miss an opportunity to pay attention. At the least Iā€™ve made him aware that some people (like me) might misinterpret a statement of that type. ---
**Author:** ![Quercus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/7ab992/32.png) [@Quercus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quercus)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2018, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-overly-concerned-father-daughter-comment/810095/30 "2018-03-06T14:34:24Z")
For the record, Iā€™m with TrueCelt and others: Ideally, girls should know that being smart, strong, capable, good teammates, etc. is more important than being pretty. But saying your prepubescent daughter is pretty isnā€™t a major problem, even saying sheā€™s going to break hearts someday isnā€™t a bad attitude. IMHO, using ā€˜foxā€™ is maybe heading towards inappropriate, but, by itself, not really there yet. And I agree with Jophiel, Iā€™d definitely let it be going forward, unless more things come out. ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2018, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-overly-concerned-father-daughter-comment/810095/31 "2018-03-06T14:38:08Z")
> [@TruCelt](#): > > this guy could just be a 1. But he definitely bears watching. And if you have the chance, be a countering force in this childā€™s life. Give her compliments based upon her character, persistence, intelligence, etc. And let him hear you doing it. > > Your spidey sense is tingling, donā€™t ignore it, just donā€™t overreact. Seconding all of this. ---
**Author:** ![Fotheringay-Phipps](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/d9b06d/32.png) [@Fotheringay-Phipps](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fotheringay-Phipps)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2018, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-overly-concerned-father-daughter-comment/810095/32 "2018-03-06T15:13:04Z")
> [@TruCelt](#): > > Your spidey sense is tingling, donā€™t ignore it, just donā€™t overreact. ā€œSpidey senseā€ is not worth much, and thereā€™s a very fine line (even if one exists) between not ignoring something and overreacting. Especially if you have your own history and issues influencing your judgment. The most likely outcome of not ignoring it is that you find something else that also sets off your ā€œspidey senseā€ and do overreact, and then mess up the guyā€™s life, the kidā€™s life, and possibly your own life. My vote is to butt out entirely, unless you see something unambiguous. ---
**Author:** ![WOOKINPANUB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wookinpanub/32/132_2.png) [@WOOKINPANUB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WOOKINPANUB)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2018, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-overly-concerned-father-daughter-comment/810095/33 "2018-03-06T16:12:00Z")
> [@MichaelEmouse](#): > > How many mothers talk about how handsome their son is and how heā€™ll be a ladykiller? It most likely didnā€™t occur to him that seeing his daughter as good looking implied he wanted to have sex with her. I agree with this. Iā€™m sorry you suffered at the hands of your father, **Heckity** , and I think you are correct about possibly being over sensitive about it. If you value his friendship I would suggest \*not \*bringing it up again. It really is rather insulting. ---
**Author:** ![Doug\_K](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b5ac83/32.png) [@Doug\_K](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doug_K)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2018, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-overly-concerned-father-daughter-comment/810095/34 "2018-03-06T16:29:55Z")
> [@Heckity](#): > > I donā€™t recall his exact words after I said that, but he was defensive about what I said. He didnā€™t suggest that Iā€™d misunderstood; instead he was initially surprised then said something defensive. It was all in a matter of seconds. Serious question: You seem to be placing a lot of significance in his being ā€œdefensiveā€. What could he possibly have said or done that _couldnā€™t_ be characterized as defensive? ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2018, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-overly-concerned-father-daughter-comment/810095/35 "2018-03-06T16:51:19Z")
> [@Doug\_K](#): > > Serious question: You seem to be placing a lot of significance in his being ā€œdefensiveā€. What could he possibly have said or done that _couldnā€™t_ be characterized as defensive? ā€œYou know, you are right. I truly appreciate you policing my language toward my own daughter. I was totally in the wrong, and now I see the error of my ways. I will endeavor to never make this mistake again, and will be very appreciative for any future guidance you can provide to me on the subject of how I refer to my own children. If itā€™s not too forward, would you mind terribly if I touch the hem of your garment? Backs of the hands only, of course.ā€ ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2018, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-overly-concerned-father-daughter-comment/810095/36 "2018-03-06T16:55:29Z")
> [@WordMan](#): > > Just ask yourself: how would it sound if Trump said it about Ivanka? šŸ˜‰ > > As to the OP, I agree with the others who say there isnā€™t enough info, but yeah, itā€™s unclear. Trump did say things like that about Ivanka. On Howard Stern. It was disgusting. ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2018, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-overly-concerned-father-daughter-comment/810095/37 "2018-03-06T16:56:57Z")
> [@Fotheringay-Phipps](#): > > ā€œSpidey senseā€ is not worth much, and thereā€™s a very fine line (even if one exists) between not ignoring something and overreacting. Especially if you have your own history and issues influencing your judgment. > > The most likely outcome of not ignoring it is that you find something else that also sets off your ā€œspidey senseā€ and do overreact, and then mess up the guyā€™s life, the kidā€™s life, and possibly your own life. > > My vote is to butt out entirely, unless you see something unambiguous. So youā€™re saying that she should just forget the whole thing? ---
**Author:** ![chaika](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chaika/32/405_2.png) [@chaika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chaika)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2018, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-overly-concerned-father-daughter-comment/810095/38 "2018-03-06T18:44:59Z")
Itā€™s an odd thing to say IMO. For one thing, do people even use the word ā€œfoxā€ in the sense of beautiful/sexy these days? It sounds dated to me. So I suppose it is possible that he meant she was wily or sly as a fox, as others have suggested. Though I find that an equally odd thing to say about a 4-year-old. > [@AHunter3](#): > > I think child sexual abuse warrants fingernail-pulling followed by dousing the bleeding nailbeds with rubbing alcohol. But I do think it isnā€™t inappropriate for a father to take pride in his daughterā€™s (current OR potential) sexual desirability as something sheā€™s got going for her. It beats hell out of ā€œIā€™ma take this shotgun to any guy who looks at herā€. In the case of this four year old I kinda hope he was projecting forward in time and thinking in terms of potential appeal. That sheā€™s got the confidence and whatnot that will make her as foxy as she wants to be later on down the line. Oh, heck no. I find it deeply inappropriate for a father to take pride in his daughterā€™s sexual desirability, whether current or potential. Parents (mothers or fathers) who view their children (sons or daughters) in those terms have crossed a line IMO. Many parents think their children are the most beautiful creatures who have ever walked the face of the earth, but their parental adoration generally has nothing to do with sexuality. Nor should it. ---
**Author:** ![2Bits](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/2/e95f7d/32.png) [@2Bits](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/2Bits)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2018, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-overly-concerned-father-daughter-comment/810095/39 "2018-03-06T19:40:55Z")
Does anybody under 50 years old really use that expression anymore (as it relates to someone they find sexy)? ---
**Author:** ![WOOKINPANUB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wookinpanub/32/132_2.png) [@WOOKINPANUB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WOOKINPANUB)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2018, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-overly-concerned-father-daughter-comment/810095/40 "2018-03-06T19:52:18Z")
> [@chaika](#): > > Itā€™s an odd thing to say IMO. For one thing, do people even use the word ā€œfoxā€ in the sense of beautiful/sexy these days? It sounds dated to me. So I suppose it is possible that he meant she was wily or sly as a fox, as others have suggested. Though I find that an equally odd thing to say about a 4-year-old. > > Oh, heck no. I find it deeply inappropriate for a father to take pride in his daughterā€™s sexual desirability, whether current or potential. > Parents (mothers or fathers) who view their children (sons or daughters) in those terms have crossed a line IMO. Many parents think their children are the most beautiful creatures who have ever walked the face of the earth, but their parental adoration generally has nothing to do with sexuality. Nor should it. When I was little, starting at about 5 or so when I started wearing a 2 piece bathing suit I remember my dad referring to me as a sex pot. He of course stopped shortly before I started puberty, as that \*would \*have been awkward, but he said that kind of thing to / about me in front of people, including my mother, who would have killed him dead if it had been inappropriate. I think the man in the OP is just showing innocent parental admiration. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-overly-concerned-father-daughter-comment/810095.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-overly-concerned-father-daughter-comment/810095.md?page=3)