# Am I overly concerned: father/daughter comment? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 6, 2018, 3:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-overly-concerned-father-daughter-comment/810095 "2018-03-06T03:20:29Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2018, 5:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-overly-concerned-father-daughter-comment/810095/101 "2018-03-11T05:38:23Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > But how did you know what he meant in order to know how to take it? Oh, it was quite apparent what he meant. Body language and non-verbal ques. He also was leering at me. The next words out of his mouth were a crude proposition. I wasn’t alone so there was no danger for me, but I often wonder where these men end up on a particular night. I worry about the next woman down the line and if she was safe. And men wonder why woman travel in packs. Safety in numbers. ---
**Author:** ![PineappleShots63](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/dc4da7/32.png) [@PineappleShots63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PineappleShots63)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2018, 5:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-overly-concerned-father-daughter-comment/810095/102 "2018-03-11T05:57:30Z")
> [@Heckity](#): > > Is that colouring my perception of appropriateness? First of all, I am so sorry for what you went through as a child and I hope that you have set things straight. Secondly, as many have said before, I think it all comes down to context. In the context of talking about a four year old sneaking out of her room when she is supposed to be napping, calling her a fox there would be acceptable seeing as foxes are generally sly and quiet. I don’t think your views have been tarnished in any way. You just more sensitive to this when you hear this kind of talk. And that’s ok. ---
**Author:** ![Omega\_Glory](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/7c8e57/32.png) [@Omega\_Glory](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omega_Glory)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2018, 11:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-overly-concerned-father-daughter-comment/810095/103 "2018-03-11T11:58:57Z")
I think it’s a small red flag. It’s entirely possible that his language is inappropriate, but that he didn’t mean anything by it. > [@j666](#): > > It’s a text emoji thing, apparently - I use words myself - with the obvious sexual meaning. Hell, I heard this on NPR, so I assumed **everyone** knew it by now. I’ve never heard of someone calling people eggplants, except as a racial slur. The eggplant emoji means penis. It’s so widespread and has been in use so long that it’s in the dictionary. While we’re here, the peach emoji means the behind. > **[What The Eggplant Emoji 🍆 Really Means?](https://www.dictionary.com/e/emoji/eggplant-emoji/)** > > Seriously, does anyone even use Eggplant emoji to mean actual eggplants anymore? ---
**Author:** ![Lamoral](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lamoral/32/16078_2.png) [@Lamoral](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lamoral)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2018, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-overly-concerned-father-daughter-comment/810095/104 "2018-03-11T20:49:22Z")
“Eggplant” was most notably used as an ethnic slur by Dennis Hopper’s character, directed at Christopher Walken’s character, in the notorious [“Sicilian Scene”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S3yon2GyoiM) from the film _True Romance._ Also, Italians sometimes say “Moolinyans” (most notably on _The Sopranos_) - this is Italian for “eggplant” and it refers to black people, in a decidedly negative context. (hijack over) ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2018, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-overly-concerned-father-daughter-comment/810095/105 "2018-03-11T21:13:57Z")
> [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > The reason why I’d be relunctant to bring my daughter around someone who expressed finding her sexually attractive is because I know how such feelings can influence an interaction. Even if the influence doesn’t lead to criminal conduct, it can lead to an encounter that is gross. > > Sexually attractive women are no strangers to the kind of influence I’m talking about. You smile innocently at a stranger and it’s interpreted as a come-on, a flirt, or even manipulative behavior. Your actions are viewed through a different lense than a woman who is not pegged as hot, and sometimes these biases works against you. > > Kids can be very curious and affectionate. Kids that are just “cute” are seen as innocent in their actions, and most adults respond to that in a protective, caring way. My concern is that when kids are seen as little “hotties” or “players” or whatever, innocent behaviors suddenly start being perceived as flirtatious and calculating and not-so-innocent. Adults acting on those perceptions may start treating them in manner that presumes a maturity they don’t have. So when a “foxy” 4-year old smiles at someone, the message elicited is not “awww, how precious” it’s more like “yup, look at that seductress in the making”. These messages can shape how a girl sees herself, and how looker-ons see her. > > I reflect back on a thread we had about slut-shaming of girls and how those most at risk of this abuse are girls who physically develop sooner than others. As soon as they start turning heads, they get a target painted on their backs. > > I don’t want any this nonsense for my little girl just because she’s smiley. And yes, I’ve written a lot but I feel it’s important not to go overboard in shrugging certain things off. I know those things very well, since I’m female (and an above average one in terms of attractiveness) and a sexual abuse survivor. But I also don’t want my daughter to be frightened or not know how to take care of herself. Nor do I want her to learn to overreact to those sorts of things. Its a balancing act. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2018, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-overly-concerned-father-daughter-comment/810095/106 "2018-03-11T21:59:16Z")
> [@Jacquernagy](#): > > “Eggplant” was most notably used as an ethnic slur by Dennis Hopper’s character, directed at Christopher Walken’s character, in the notorious [“Sicilian Scene”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S3yon2GyoiM) from the film _True Romance._ Also, Italians sometimes say “Moolinyans” (most notably on _The Sopranos_) - this is Italian for “eggplant” and it refers to black people, in a decidedly negative context. > > (hijack over) This is the first I’ve seen of “eggplant” as an ethnic slur. The eggplant emojis I’m familiar with have sexual overtones, due to the eggplant’s phallic appearance from some angles. ---
**Author:** ![j666](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9de0a6/32.png) [@j666](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j666)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2018, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-overly-concerned-father-daughter-comment/810095/107 "2018-03-12T00:34:23Z")
> [@nearwildheaven](#): > > This is the first I’ve seen of “eggplant” as an ethnic slur. The eggplant emojis I’m familiar with have sexual overtones, due to the eggplant’s phallic appearance from some angles. And as I do not emoji, because it’s kind of inconvenient, I wrote out the word. I’m sorry if I offended any one, but I’m not always aware of racist slurs. I had no idea about “eenie meenie minee moe” until I was in my 30s. ---
**Author:** ![Tzigone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/839c29/32.png) [@Tzigone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tzigone)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2018, 12:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-overly-concerned-father-daughter-comment/810095/108 "2018-03-12T00:49:55Z")
> [@Grrr](#): > > This is the type of thing that creeps me out. Fathers threatening acts of violence on boys that dared touch their daughter. Yuck! > > (This of course assumes said daughter consented to said touching.) Absolutely. And the same people that do that or joke about it would be absolutely derogatory towards a mother who treated her son or son’s dates this way (or maybe towards the son). And guys would be mortified if their mothers talked to their dates this way. It’s a sense of ownership (over consensual sexuality) of daughters that doesn’t seem to extend to sons. Though, of course, that would be wrong, too. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2018, 1:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-overly-concerned-father-daughter-comment/810095/109 "2018-03-12T01:08:58Z")
> [@j666](#): > > And as I do not emoji, because it’s kind of inconvenient, I wrote out the word. > > I’m sorry if I offended any one, but I’m not always aware of racist slurs. I had no idea about “eenie meenie minee moe” until I was in my 30s. When I was a kid, “eenie etc.” used the word “tiger.” I didn’t learn the REAL version until a few years later, and thought until I was an adult myself that “tiger” was the ORIGINAL version and the other version was the corrupted one. ---
**Author:** ![Chessic\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7c8e57/32.png) [@Chessic\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chessic_Sense)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2018, 1:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-overly-concerned-father-daughter-comment/810095/110 "2018-03-12T01:37:26Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > (Sexist and transphobic) Transphobic? It’s like this place is an over-the-top parody version of the entire city of San Francisco. > [@Grrr](#): > > This is the type of thing that creeps me out. Fathers threatening acts of violence on boys that dared touch their daughter. Yuck! > > (This of course assumes said daughter consented to said touching.) It’s all for show; ain’t nobody gonna get hurt. Or pregnant. Fathers threaten acts of violence, we don’t actually _do_ acts of violence. Fortunately, that’s not a fact you learn as a young man until you and the daughters are old enough to consent. But until you reach that age, you definitely believe the man with the power tools. I feel like this is just something fathers inherently understand and mothers will never get. Mostly likely because those mothers were never teenage boys. > [@Dangerosa](#): > > My mother said her biggest regret in parenting was not telling her daughters that they were beautiful or pretty. … > > Don’t raise vain daughters, or girls who believe their only value is in their physical attractiveness, but don’t raise daughters who don’t have self confidence about something that is so basic to how we present ourselves to others. That opens them to abuses and self doubt - and it handicaps them when projecting confidence. > > Its fine to tell girls they are pretty. Just also tell them that they are smart, kind, hard working, etc. I’ve never thought of that before. That’s good advice, thank you. > [@Jacquernagy](#): > > “Fox” has long had a connotation of being sly, tricky…Why “fox”, specifically, and not one of the many other animals that are equally beautiful, came to mean “beautiful”, I haven’t the faintest idea. Also, not only is “a fox” a term for attractiveness of either sex, but on top of that, the word for a female fox, “vixen”, carries an even _stronger_ connotation of attractiveness specifically for females. > > How this all came to be, I’ll never fucking understand. Maybe a lot of humans used to want to fuck foxes? Guess what else acts sly and tricky? A classy woman who’s DTF. It’s a ready-made comparison, really. Nobody ever described the sloppy drunk woman trying to put her tongue in your mouth as foxy, now did they? ---
**Author:** ![Tzigone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/839c29/32.png) [@Tzigone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tzigone)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2018, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-overly-concerned-father-daughter-comment/810095/111 "2018-03-12T01:57:44Z")
> [@](#): > > sumes said daughter consented to said touching.) > It’s all for show; ain’t nobody gonna get hurt. Or pregnant. Fathers threaten acts of violence, we don’t actually do acts of violence. Fortunately, that’s not a fact you learn as a young man until you and the daughters are old enough to consent. But until you reach that age, you definitely believe the man with the power tools. Actually, quite a number of boys don’t believe that shit, and do engage in consensual sexual activity with similarly aged females despite the sexist, chauvinistic threatening of fathers who think it’s okay for their teenage sons to have sex, but not okay for their teenage girls to do so. > [@](#): > > I feel like this is just something fathers inherently understand and mothers will never get. Mostly likely because those mothers were never teenage boys. And I sometimes wonder if some men will ever get that some teenage girls _want_ to have sex just as much as some teenage boys do, and don’t want those boys they want to have sex with threatened for consensual activity. These threats are and comments and “warn offs” are not typically (even when joked about) about not assaulting teenage girls - they’re about not touching them sexually at all, despite what the girls want. They make father’s will more important than the girl’s. But father’s will is perfectly fine with her twin brother having consensual sex with someone else’s daughter. ---
**Author:** ![Lamoral](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lamoral/32/16078_2.png) [@Lamoral](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lamoral)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2018, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-overly-concerned-father-daughter-comment/810095/112 "2018-03-12T02:23:06Z")
It’s just a fact of life that the sexual _consequences_ are much greater for teenage girls than for teenage boys. Underage pregnancy is generally not something a family wants to deal with, and despite the availability of many methods of birth control, it still happens. Yeah, it should be on the parents of boys to teach responsibility about that just as it should be on the parents of girls. But you know what? The girl still ultimately gets the burden of it. So of course fathers are going to be protective. That doesn’t mean they should joke about physical violence or intimidation towards the girls’ dates…mostly because it’s an obnoxious cliche and people should behave with a bit more class. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2018, 2:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-overly-concerned-father-daughter-comment/810095/113 "2018-03-12T02:38:24Z")
Maybe Dad should have a conversation with his girls about what boys think and do. And maybe Mom should teach the same child about her body and how it will tell her to yes do it, it feels good. And what can happen if she doesn’t practice safe sex. And then please, please speak to and teach your sons. As parents it’s our job. I, for one took it very seriously. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2018, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-overly-concerned-father-daughter-comment/810095/114 "2018-03-12T02:40:46Z")
> [@Jacquernagy](#): > > It’s just a fact of life that the sexual _consequences_ are much greater for teenage girls than for teenage boys. It’s not just the consequences, it’s the societal prejudices/stigma/slut-shaming. Same drive/impulse, very different cultural interpretations. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2018, 2:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-overly-concerned-father-daughter-comment/810095/115 "2018-03-12T02:56:46Z")
Nothing changes the fact that females will be carrying the bulk of the shame, pain, loss, and ire if she and a guy are careless and she gets pregnant. Teen marriages rarely work, even if it attained. But she will have that child for the rest of her life. If she makes a choice to abort or give the child up for adoption, she will always think of it. And it will impact her life. There is no male on the planet who will ever have that burden, it’s biology. I am not saying there aren’t good fathers, there are great ones out there. But he can never do what a mother has to do. ---
**Author:** ![thirdname](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/d07c76/32.png) [@thirdname](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thirdname)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2018, 3:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-overly-concerned-father-daughter-comment/810095/116 "2018-03-12T03:08:01Z")
> [@Jacquernagy](#): > > It’s just a fact of life that the sexual _consequences_ are much greater for teenage girls than for teenage boys. Underage pregnancy is generally not something a family wants to deal with, and despite the availability of many methods of birth control, it still happens. Yeah, it should be on the parents of boys to teach responsibility about that just as it should be on the parents of girls. But you know what? The girl still ultimately gets the burden of it. So of course fathers are going to be protective. That’s not true in the modern era, in fact it’s the opposite. Girls can get abortions. Boys, on the other hand, are on the hook for 18 years of child support no matter what. ---
**Author:** ![Lamoral](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lamoral/32/16078_2.png) [@Lamoral](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lamoral)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2018, 3:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-overly-concerned-father-daughter-comment/810095/117 "2018-03-12T03:31:17Z")
> [@thirdname](#): > > Girls can get abortions. You say that like it’s an easy choice. Paying child support at least doesn’t physically affect someone’s body. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to say that the female is still incurring the greater risk. We may be living in “the modern era” but we are still bound by biological processes that evolved over millions of years. ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2018, 4:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-overly-concerned-father-daughter-comment/810095/118 "2018-03-12T04:37:51Z")
It’s not the biological processes that evolved over millions of years that’s causing the problem. It’s the sociological processes that evolved over hundreds of thousands of years that’s giving us fits. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2018, 4:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-overly-concerned-father-daughter-comment/810095/119 "2018-03-12T04:49:01Z")
> [@thirdname](#): > > Girls can get abortions. What if she doesn’t want to do that? Some parents of boys use that as an excuse for the boy’s irresponsibility, never mind this is their grandchild! ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2018, 4:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-overly-concerned-father-daughter-comment/810095/120 "2018-03-12T04:56:59Z")
Here in Arkansas teen pregnancy is more than a passing problem. Certain demographics are almost expected to pop up pregnant. Sans husbands, boyfriends or helpful parents, the child with a child starts a spiral down that very few dig out from under. This is the middle of the bible belt. The more they preach abstinence and stick their heads in the sand the worst it gets. It is a sad situation. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-overly-concerned-father-daughter-comment/810095.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-overly-concerned-father-daughter-comment/810095.md?page=7)