# Am I really that abnormal? (lack of jealousy) **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 4, 2011, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-really-that-abnormal-lack-of-jealousy/570158 "2011-02-04T15:49:21Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 15\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Arglefraster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3bc359/32.png) [@Arglefraster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arglefraster)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2011, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-really-that-abnormal-lack-of-jealousy/570158/61 "2011-02-10T15:14:48Z")
> [@Avarie537](#): > > Nobody really ever knows if their spouse is going to come home to them, now do they? What does it matter if they’re monogamous or not? This. I would be interested to see just how much difference there is between monogamous and poly relationships as far as how often someone is left for another person. I would not be surprised if there’s really not much difference at all. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2011, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-really-that-abnormal-lack-of-jealousy/570158/62 "2011-02-10T15:41:56Z")
Abnormal… and possibly superior. At least to people like [this](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=596533). ---
**Author:** ![The\_Weird\_One](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7bcc69/32.png) [@The\_Weird\_One](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Weird_One)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2011, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-really-that-abnormal-lack-of-jealousy/570158/63 "2011-02-10T15:49:07Z")
> [@Lemur866](#): > > Except you don’t really know that he’s going to come home to you. You believe it, but is your belief justified? We’ve all seen the stories “I thought everything was going fine until…” As others have said, that’s not guaranteed in any relationship. Nor, as the statistics show, is fidelity guaranteed even in monogamous relationships. If my fiance and I ever (heaven forbid) break up, I want it to be because we’re not compatible any more, or because one of us truly does not want to be in this relationship, not because one of us _really wanted_ to sleep with someone else and the choices were to resist temptation, cheat or leave. The number of people who cheat are astounding. Clearly a lot of people have trouble resisting temptation. I’d rather know what my fiance is doing, and be more sexually fulfilled myself, than be monogamous and wonder if he ever steps out on me when he’s away on business. ---
**Author:** ![Binarydrone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3da27b/32.png) [@Binarydrone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Binarydrone)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2011, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-really-that-abnormal-lack-of-jealousy/570158/64 "2011-02-10T17:25:44Z")
> [@AHunter3](#): > > One of the reasons I _have_ pissed off so many SDMB regulars is that I find (and say) that i have to wonder about the true feelings of you sexually possessive types, because it’s absolutely batshit-incomprehensible to me that you go through life saying to your partner “Because I love you oh so much, it is my wish that if you want to have sex with someone other than me, you deny that to yourself”. I think that it is possible that the reason that you have pissed people off has a lot more to do with the way that you use language. Your post here, and the one above it, positively ooze smug superiority and judgment. That tends to rub people the wrong way. I can understand that people can conclude that there is nothing inherently monogamous about the way that humans are built and then based on that conclusion opt for an open relationship. However, the reproductive strategy based around sexual possessiveness has been one that has been working for, well for as long as there have been people really. So I tend to think that the people that are claiming that they simply don’t feel sexual possessiveness are full of shit. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2011, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-really-that-abnormal-lack-of-jealousy/570158/65 "2011-02-10T19:10:59Z")
> [@Binarydrone](#): > > However, the reproductive strategy based around sexual possessiveness has been one that has been working for, well for as long as there have been people really. So I tend to think that the people that are claiming that they simply don’t feel sexual possessiveness are full of shit. Do you similarly believe gay people are full of shit? After all, the reproductive strategy based around heterosexual intercourse has been one that has been working for, well for as long as there have been people really. ETA: We’re humans, conscious and critical thinking creatures. We divorced sex from reproduction with the advent of contraception, first in ancient times, and more reliably with the birth control bill and then completely with IVF. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2011, 10:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-really-that-abnormal-lack-of-jealousy/570158/66 "2011-02-11T10:45:42Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > Why would you prefer that if it isn’t jealousy? What, you’ve never heard of venereal diseases? I’m not jealous, but if you want me to carry your kids, your dick must have and keep a clean bill of health. Not sticking it in uncertified holes is a good step in that direction. ---
**Author:** ![kimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f0a364/32.png) [@kimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kimera)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2011, 1:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-really-that-abnormal-lack-of-jealousy/570158/67 "2011-02-11T13:00:26Z")
> [@causticsubstance](#): > > I was commenting on how dead-set mainstream society is on two-person relationships, and how non-monogamy is still absolutely unthinkable to many people, despite the scientific conclusion that – I’ll say it again – humans tend to be naturally non-monogamous. Actually, based upon our levels of sexual dimorphism, our testes size, cross-cultural comparisons of how we mate, what we look for in sexual attraction, low levels of extra-pair copulations, we are a species that tends towards monogamy. Social, serial monogamy to be precise. There are cultures where individuals have a more polygamous mating system, but those aren’t common, and we don’t act like a polygamous mating species. Complete, lifetime sexual monogamy is rare in humans, but it’s also rare in other monogamous species. Monogamy is based upon couples forming pair-bonds, which clearly happens in human societies. In societies where individuals are encouraged to have multiple partners, pair-bonding still tends to happen. Therefore, it makes sense that we as a species would tend to experience high levels of sexual jealously. Also, since we, like most monogamous, pair-bonding species, would tend to keep our extra-pair copulations private, as revealing our extra-pair copulations will usually cause our partners to abandon us and our offspring. That being said, males in our species exhibit a variety of concern over paternity certainty, with some cultures placing a greater emphasis on paternity certainty, and we are the result of a culture that has been incredibly concerned with paternity certainty. This has undoubtedly made our obsession with infidelity and our incident of social monogamy higher than it might otherwise be. In a society where paternity certainty was less important (and we are certainly moving that way), then we would expect individuals to be less concerned with sexual infidelity and to tolerate more of it. So while we are as a culture less tolerant of exta-pair copulations than other cultures have been, I’d be surprised if jealously didn’t have some genetic component. I would also expect to see variation within the population, with some individuals expressing more jealously than others, just as monogamy has a genetic component, and some are naturally more monogamous. Culture plays a huge part in it too, and individuals can certainly learn to overcome their jealously. ---
**Author:** ![Acid\_Lamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Acid\_Lamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acid_Lamp)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2011, 1:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-really-that-abnormal-lack-of-jealousy/570158/68 "2011-02-11T13:40:02Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > What, you’ve never heard of venereal diseases? I’m not jealous, but if you want me to carry your kids, your dick must have and keep a clean bill of health. Not sticking it in uncertified holes is a good step in that direction. That’s a bit of a cop out. STDS are easily protected against. Even beyond that you aren’t saying much for your partner’s choice in partners, ie YOU, if you are that concerned about diseases. ---
**Author:** ![EvilTOJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee59a6/32.png) [@EvilTOJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EvilTOJ)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2011, 1:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-really-that-abnormal-lack-of-jealousy/570158/69 "2011-02-11T13:42:17Z")
> [@Binarydrone](#): > > However, the reproductive strategy based around sexual possessiveness has been one that has been working for, well for as long as there have been people really. So I tend to think that the people that are claiming that they simply don’t feel sexual possessiveness are full of shit. I don’t feel sexual possessiveness, so people who think I’m a liar can go to hell. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Weird\_One](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7bcc69/32.png) [@The\_Weird\_One](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Weird_One)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2011, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-really-that-abnormal-lack-of-jealousy/570158/70 "2011-02-11T18:13:19Z")
> [@Acid\_Lamp](#): > > That’s a bit of a cop out. STDS are easily protected against. I disagree. STDs are a legitimate concern, even when protection is used. For example, HPV, the most common STD in the United States, can spread from skin-to-skin contact, so condoms aren’t always effective in preventing infection. Some STDs can be passed by kissing or through oral sex, and many people - in my experience, most people - don’t use protection for oral sex. And, of course, a condom may break or slip off or the penis leak pre-ejaculate before you get the condom on. > [@Acid\_Lamp](#): > > Even beyond that you aren’t saying much for your partner’s choice in partners, ie YOU, if you are that concerned about diseases. Nice people get STDs, too, you know. Herpes and HPV are common enough that I assume I’ve already been exposed and possibly infected. From [Wikipedia](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/HPV#United_States_of_America): > [@](#): > > Most sexually active men and women will probably acquire genital HPV infection at some point in their lives. The American Social Health Association reported estimates that about 75-80% of sexually active Americans will be infected with HPV at some point in their lifetime. By the age of 50 more than 80% of American women will have contracted at least one strain of genital HPV. People in non-monogamous relationships have to decide how much risk they’re willing to take, and act accordingly. ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2011, 2:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-really-that-abnormal-lack-of-jealousy/570158/71 "2011-02-12T02:31:50Z")
> [@The\_Weird\_One](#): > > I disagree. STDs are a legitimate concern, even when protection is used. For example, HPV, the most common STD in the United States, can spread from skin-to-skin contact, so condoms aren’t always effective in preventing infection. Some STDs can be passed by kissing or through oral sex, and many people - in my experience, most people - don’t use protection for oral sex. And, of course, a condom may break or slip off or the penis leak pre-ejaculate before you get the condom on. > Nice people get STDs, too, you know. Herpes and HPV are common enough that I assume I’ve already been exposed and possibly infected. From [Wikipedia](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/HPV#United_States_of_America): > > People in non-monogamous relationships have to decide how much risk they’re willing to take, and act accordingly. These are certainly all perfectly true points and while I suppose it doesn’t negate any of what you said, I do just want to note: I’ve never met people more serious about STD prevention than the swingers I know. Sure, certain things are basically unpreventable (aside from abstaining), but good gravy- I’d be willing to bet that condom usage in “the lifestyle” is far higher than in the general population. At least from what I’ve seen. ---
**Author:** ![101flyboy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/1/5e9695/32.png) [@101flyboy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/101flyboy)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2011, 6:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-really-that-abnormal-lack-of-jealousy/570158/72 "2011-02-12T06:25:33Z")
You’re not abnormal, honey. Well, you are in the traditional sense, but that’s not a bad thing. In fact, plenty of people out there should try to be more like you. ---
**Author:** ![101flyboy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/1/5e9695/32.png) [@101flyboy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/101flyboy)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2011, 6:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-really-that-abnormal-lack-of-jealousy/570158/73 "2011-02-12T06:31:43Z")
“Sexual possessiveness” sounds restrictive and boring. ---
**Author:** ![RaftPeople](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/6f9a4e/32.png) [@RaftPeople](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RaftPeople)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2011, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-really-that-abnormal-lack-of-jealousy/570158/74 "2011-02-12T17:44:23Z")
> [@Binarydrone](#): > > However, the reproductive strategy based around sexual possessiveness has been one that has been working for, well for as long as there have been people really. So I tend to think that the people that are claiming that they simply don’t feel sexual possessiveness are full of shit. This is totally true. All 6 billion people on the planet have the exact same feelings and thoughts about every situation. There is no other way it could possibly be. ---
**Author:** ![Hamadryad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/6de8d8/32.png) [@Hamadryad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hamadryad)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2011, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-really-that-abnormal-lack-of-jealousy/570158/75 "2011-02-14T15:17:58Z")
I suppose I’m in a polyamorous marriage, and I’m pretty sure I’m more jealous than my husband. He’s sublimated whatever jealousy he has in another direction. He’s also never taken advantage of having “permission” to date around. I have told him that I would/will be jealous if/when he does… but I think that’s due to my insecurities more than to the likelihood of him leaving me for anyone else. I’ll go with the people who say that technically you are “abnormal”… but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. The people who say folks like me and the other poly folks in this thread must not actually care much about our spouses – you go ahead and believe what you need to believe, ducky, and I’ll keep on loving the living hell out of the man I married almost 18 years ago. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-really-that-abnormal-lack-of-jealousy/570158.md?page=3)