# Am I right in being bothered by this? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 20, 2006, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-right-in-being-bothered-by-this/365373 "2006-07-20T17:55:41Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2006, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-right-in-being-bothered-by-this/365373/81 "2006-07-21T16:37:09Z")
Like many others, I probably wouldn’t have said anything about the driving and might have said something about the ticket. It pisses me off if someone expects me to pay more attention than they are paying to their actions. Persons who rely on me to alert them are going to regret it because I am rarely paying that much attention. Put me on alert that I am supposed to remember something and I generally can. ---
**Author:** ![XJETGIRLX](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/9fc29f/32.png) [@XJETGIRLX](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/XJETGIRLX)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2006, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-right-in-being-bothered-by-this/365373/82 "2006-07-21T17:21:23Z")
> [@crazyjoe](#): > > The folks in this thread that seem to be getting all twisted up, saying he expects his SO to be his mommy, etc are dumbfounding. He’s just looking for someone to have his back a little when he makes a mistake. IS that so wrong? Is that so wrong? Well, basically, yeah. To an extent, at least. You can’t rely on other people to make your life easier/better/happier. You have to do all that stuff yourself, and if you’re lucky you can find someone to share that happiness/good life with in the process. Expecting someone else to be responsible for you, or take care of you _when you are perfectly capable of doing so yourself_ is a little unreasonable. If you love and respect your partner, you should do everything in your power to be responsible for yourself and make sure you are a person worthy of their mutual love and respect. This means not expecting them to fix you. With the caveats already expressed here (walking off a cliff, drinking poison, etc.) I think it’s a sign of entitlement and narcissism to expect other people to pay attention to you all the time and act as personal warning alarms every time you are about to act like an idiot. Friendly reminders are nice, but to expect them and then get pissed off when you don’t get them is really ridiculous. ---
**Author:** ![AngryIrishLass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/bbce88/32.png) [@AngryIrishLass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AngryIrishLass)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2006, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-right-in-being-bothered-by-this/365373/83 "2006-07-21T18:30:35Z")
As a long time lurker, I just had to register for this thread. _waves Hello!_ To the OP, you have described 2 incidents that YOU recall. However, as a person who is married to someone who makes those types of bonehead moves on a constant basis, have you ever thought that she’s just tired of having to be on constant alert for the next bonehead experience? My husband cannot drive from Point A to Point B, forget Points C & D, without constant, and, sometimes, not so gentle, reminders for getting around in a city he has lived in for 10+ years. – Dear you need to be in the left lane, remember, the exit is on that side. No, you can’t take that exit, it’s one way in the opposite direction of where we are heading. Dear, you passed our exit, yes it really did have a big green sign above it with the name of the street we were looking for. – Honestly, sometimes I have to take a moment when we get to our destination to let the blood cool. Maybe she’s just tired of being on watch and just wanted to sit back and enjoy the scenic route. You drove a couple of miles out of your way, big deal. Although when I did that, we drove 150 miles in the wrong direction. If you were that preoccupied, you should have let her drive. For the ticket, you zoned it, why couldn’t she have done the same? And really if you are basing her “I thought you knew what you were doing” response as proof she _knew_ you were being a bonehead, you’re way off. What she really meant was “I wasn’t paying attention either, and you aren’t going to blame this shit on me.” ---
**Author:** ![Merejane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a6a055/32.png) [@Merejane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Merejane)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2006, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-right-in-being-bothered-by-this/365373/84 "2006-07-21T19:52:45Z")
> [@Cagey Drifter](#): > > It’s about what I should feel when someone close to me sees me making a mistake, acknowledges it, **and for unknown reasons** , fails to say anything-- especially when my actions are due to forgetfulness, and there’s no lesson I could possibly learn from making the mistake. Have you asked her the reason she failed to say anything? If so, what was her answer? ---
**Author:** ![dmatsch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/3be4f8/32.png) [@dmatsch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dmatsch)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2006, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-right-in-being-bothered-by-this/365373/85 "2006-07-21T20:22:38Z")
Take off and nuke her from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure. ---
**Author:** ![Bobotheoptimist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/919ad9/32.png) [@Bobotheoptimist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bobotheoptimist)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2006, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-right-in-being-bothered-by-this/365373/86 "2006-07-21T20:45:26Z")
She’s obviously a demon Happens all the time. ---
**Author:** ![Excalibre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/898d66/32.png) [@Excalibre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Excalibre)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2006, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-right-in-being-bothered-by-this/365373/87 "2006-07-21T21:40:50Z")
> [@dawson](#): > > Seek help. Soon. > [@Count Blucher](#): > > [DearAbbey] My only advice is, if you can’t let this go, then you should let her go. She deserves better than a relationship with all the warning signs of becoming abusive. [/DearAbbey] Um, histrionic much? > [@bup](#): > > So your actions were accidental, but her inaction was intentional. Well, according to his reports of what she said, yes. Perhaps he is not a reliable witness here, but all we have is a message board so it seems to me we might as well take what he says at face value. > [@SHAKES](#): > > How do you know this for sure tho’? Because he asked, and she said so, per the OP. Anyway, my opinion, she didn’t commit any major sins. It really does sound like a basic difference in styles and personalities. I’d much rather someone let me know when I’m doing something boneheaded - but probably some people don’t share that trait. Either you can talk about it and come to some sort of agreement that she’ll point stuff out when she notices - and you’ll have to remember that she won’t always notice - or else you’ll have to get used to her not correcting you. I don’t think there’s enough information here to come to any larger indictments of either partner’s personality. To me, her behavior feels a little callous, but to her, perhaps correcting people on small points seems like nagging. > [@Cagey Drifter](#): > > I’m willing to admit my mistakes, but my problem is that everyone is saying things like “oh, so she’s supposed to watch your every little move?”, which I feel is taking things out of context, and making me sound aggressive about passing blame. I agree. I think that was a very unfair summation of the situation. > [@Dazzling White Diamonds](#): > > However, if you’re going to ask something like this, you have to be willing to accept that people may or may not agree with you. Nevertheless, I don’t think he has to be willing to accept the negative interpretations and groundless psychoanalyses a couple people have offered up. Disagreements are one thing; some of the assessments of Cagey Drifter’s personality that I’ve seen here seem quite tenuous to me. > [@Rick](#): > > So you had the brain fart and it is her fault. > Nice. That’s a very poor interpretation of what happened. > [@XJETGIRLX](#): > > Is that so wrong? Well, basically, yeah. To an extent, at least. You can’t rely on other people to make your life easier/better/happier. You have to do all that stuff yourself, and if you’re lucky you can find someone to share that happiness/good life with in the process. Expecting someone else to be responsible for you, or take care of you when you are perfectly capable of doing so yourself is a little unreasonable. If you love and respect your partner, you should do everything in your power to be responsible for yourself and make sure you are a person worthy of their mutual love and respect. This means not expecting them to fix you. > > With the caveats already expressed here (walking off a cliff, drinking poison, etc.) I think it’s a sign of entitlement and narcissism to expect other people to pay attention to you all the time and act as personal warning alarms every time you are about to act like an idiot. Friendly reminders are nice, but to expect them and then get pissed off when you don’t get them is really ridiculous. Which would be perfectly reasonable if there was any evidence that Cagey Drifter expects her to devote her attention to watching him all the time. However, there is not, and as such, this seems like quite the overreaction to his post. > [@AngryIrishLass](#): > > Honestly, sometimes I have to take a moment when we get to our destination to let the blood cool. Um, maybe you should drive. Because that sounds sort of annoying. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2006, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-right-in-being-bothered-by-this/365373/88 "2006-07-21T21:42:08Z")
> [@rhythmonly](#): > > \But if not, there’s always the old reliable Lawn Darts/Quicklime/Folding Shovel routine. “Guest,” eh? I think you’ll fit in just fine around here. **Cervaise** , my husband said something like that the other day - I had forgotten when we were supposed to be at a family dinner, and he said that he’s the one who remembers what happened, and I’m supposed to be the one remembering what is CURRENTLY happening, and you know what? He was right! We have indeed split up the brainwork along those lines. **cazzle** , my husband is not expected to answer every time I ask something, but he is expected to grunt that he heard, or I WILL ask again, and he is not allowed to get mad when I ask again, as the grunt of acknowledgement is agreed-upon. A grunt is not too much to ask. 😃 Welcome, **AngryIrishLass**! ---
**Author:** ![Mtgman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b5a626/32.png) [@Mtgman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mtgman)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2006, 10:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-right-in-being-bothered-by-this/365373/89 "2006-07-21T22:44:54Z")
> [@Bobotheoptimist](#): > > She’s obviously a demon > > Happens all the time. night. the through on hold can we if, after morning a be to got There’s Enjoy, Steven ---
**Author:** ![shelbo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3d9bf3/32.png) [@shelbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shelbo)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2006, 10:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-right-in-being-bothered-by-this/365373/90 "2006-07-21T22:53:11Z")
> [@Count Blucher](#): > > Or you could brood and obsess about them and show her a fairly serious personality flaw. Worse, you can’t seem let it go without assigning her blame even this long after the incidents happened and are actively seeking consensus here on how ‘wrong’ she was. :smack: I’m with the [b[Count\*\*. Sounds like your girlfriend should think twice about this relationship. And, by the way, it’s not like that bart or muni ticket is invalid - you can still use it. So her silence cost you all of 30 seconds of your life, and you still feel the need to whine about it and blame her on a public message board. You might want to think about anger management classes, or something. ---
**Author:** ![Lazlo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lazlo/32/9678_2.png) [@Lazlo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lazlo)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2006, 9:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-right-in-being-bothered-by-this/365373/91 "2006-07-22T09:28:36Z")
> [@AngryIrishLass](#): > > My husband cannot drive from Point A to Point B, forget Points C & D, without constant, and, sometimes, not so gentle, reminders for getting around in a city he has lived in for 10+ years. Yeah, but you do that to me too on the way to lunch. 😛 I’m glad you decided to register! Now you need to stick around. /hug. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2006, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-right-in-being-bothered-by-this/365373/92 "2006-07-22T17:33:12Z")
Am I correct in assuming that you and **AngryIrishLass** are husband and wife, **Lazlo**? ---
**Author:** ![percussion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/43a26b/32.png) [@percussion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/percussion)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2006, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-right-in-being-bothered-by-this/365373/93 "2006-07-22T17:51:11Z")
> [@Cagey Drifter](#): > > A couple of incidents with my girlfriend have left me somewhat miffed, and she says I’m being totally out of line. I am soliciting opinions on whether I am being unreasonable with being annoyed here. > > 1. A recent weekend, we had several errands to run. We were both preoccupied with other thoughts due to the fact that we are moving away soon. Anyway, we get in the car to go out to complete some errands. The plan is this: we are driving from Point A to Point B to pick up some paperwork, but are also going to Points C and D on the same drive. Points C and D are much further away from Point B, in another direction, and getting to Points C and D requires getting on a freeway. But we have to go to Point B first because it’s time sensitive. Point B is much closer, and we have gone near there many times, and we have never gotten there by going on the freeway. So I begin driving, and I drive in a direction that is not really the direction we would have taken to get to Point B. It’s not the complete opposite direction, but it’s definitely not the way anyone local would have taken to get to Point B. An impartial observer might notice that it’s the route we take to get on the freeway. In the car: there is silence. Suddenly, just as I get on the freeway, I realize that I’m headed to Point C. I ask my girlfriend, uh, why didn’t you say anything? Surely she would have noticed that I was headed towards the freeway, a route we’d never take to get to Point B, but that we’d definitely take to get to point C. She says, “I thought you knew what you were doing.” From my vantage point, it seems clear that I’m going in a direction that we have never taken to get to Point B. A normal person, I feel, would have immediately noticed that I was taking an extremely circuitous route, and would have brought it to my attention that something seemed wrong. This did not happen. > > 2. Today in the Bay Area, there’s what is called a “Spare the Air Day.” Riding all public transit is free today. She had mentioned it earlier in the day, so we’d both been aware of it. However, as we entered the subway station, I headed over to the ticket machine. My girlfriend stood by silently as I fed my credit card in the machine. She watched as I carefully reduced the cost of my ticket to the cost of my fare. This took approximately 30 seconds. All the while she was standing there, saying nothing. Then as I approach the turnstile, I realize that they’re open, and there’s a sign that says “FREE-- SPARE THE AIR DAY.” I ask, uh, why didn’t you say anything? She says, “You knew it was free. We were just talking about it earlier.” I say, \*#@#@\* _#@\*#@_$#!!! Obviously, I was acting out of force of habit! I didn’t need to buy the ticket today! Why did you just stand there and watch me put my money in without saying anything? > > To her, these seem like minor incidents that I’m blowing completely out of proportion. However, I cannot deny that I feel an enormous amount of annoyance. It’s not the time or money that was wasted in these incidents. It’s the idea that she won’t say anything that could save me from making a mistake. If I saw her doing these things, I definitely would have reminded her, or pointed out these things, just to be on the safe side. If she was parallel parking on street sweeping day, should I just stand by and say nothing? Should I not say anything if she’s buying dinner and the entree she chooses has something she’s highly allergic to in it? Should I just say later that “I thought you knew” ? > > I understand that I should take personal responsibility for my actions and all that, but come on… Isn’t it completely reasonable for me to expect her to say something when I’m obviously doing something wrong? She claims to have recognized oddity in my behavior both times, but stood by idly and said nothing. Am I right in being annoyed? Id get over it…espically if this is someone you really care about… If not mabye re-evaluate the relationship but if this is someone you love, get over it…its really small stuff…espcially the first one. Dont loose someone you love to BS on your part. ---
**Author:** ![Lazlo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lazlo/32/9678_2.png) [@Lazlo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lazlo)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2006, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-right-in-being-bothered-by-this/365373/94 "2006-07-24T00:34:57Z")
> [@featherlou](#): > > Am I correct in assuming that you and **AngryIrishLass** are husband and wife, **Lazlo**? Nope. Good friends, except I know where I’m going when I drive. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Zoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/a4c791/32.png) [@Zoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zoe)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2006, 3:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-right-in-being-bothered-by-this/365373/95 "2006-07-24T03:32:42Z")
> [@](#): > > **Cagey Drifter** : It’s about what I should feel when someone close to me sees me making a mistake, acknowledges it, and for unknown reasons, fails to say anything-- especially when my actions are due to forgetfulness, and there’s no lesson I could possibly learn from making the mistake. I’m very absent-minded and I understand your bewilderment. But having someone around who will serve as a reminder for us just encourages our dependence. I’ve come to rely on my husband _too_ much. Please don’t fault your friend for not reminding you. That’s really a very healthy approach (so my therapist tells me) unless the situation is harmful or dangerous, of course. You’ve been given no reason to think that your friend would knowingly stand by while you did something to endanger yourself. That is _totally different._ You always have a right to your feelings, of course. When someone else’s behavior troubles you, try talking it out with that person – but in a very non-accusatory way. Above all, don’t make assumptions about her or his motives. ---
**Author:** ![tesseract](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bb73d2/32.png) [@tesseract](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tesseract)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2006, 6:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-right-in-being-bothered-by-this/365373/96 "2006-07-24T06:05:12Z")
I am with the “SO was being passive-aggressive” crowd. Especially on #2. I think people are deliberately misunderstanding you or twisting your position slightly so they can lecture you. (Or else they have a great deal of trouble with reading comprehension and nuances.) On #1, I would be less annoyed, but that’s just me, because I have a terrible sense of direction. Because of that, I almost never correct anyone about the route they are taking, as I always assume (and am usually correct) that they know more than I do about the route. Yes, she should have your back. Yes, her actions were bizarre. ---
**Author:** ![Ceejaytee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ceejaytee/32/2956_2.png) [@Ceejaytee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ceejaytee)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2006, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-right-in-being-bothered-by-this/365373/97 "2006-07-24T19:34:35Z")
> [@cazzle](#): > > It’s tough, walking that fine line between being helpful and being a nag. It reminds me of a moment I had with my husband recently: > > Scenario: Dinner is cooking, I’ve realised I’m out of a vital ingredient (Head slap! Should have checked first!), I grab my jacket and my keys, ask Dear Husband to watch the pot on the stove and head for the door. He doesn’t acknowledge that I’ve spoken to him. Freeze on the doorstep. Do I: > > a) Repeat myself, which will surely make him snap “I heard you the first time!” (thus proving that I nag) > or > b) Trust that - in the quiet of the house and in light of the fact that we’re the only two people in it, and that I’ve spoken loudly and clearly - he has heard, understood and will do as I asked. > > I went with b). I got back from the store to find the pot boiled dry. > > If I point out he’s doing something that I don’t think is right, he’ll either be mildly grateful or thoroughly annoyed and it’s really tough to make the call at times. I tend to err on the side of trusting that as an intelligent, capable adult he knows what he’s doing. He’s a sweet guy, but tends to be brusque and gets impatient rapidly and sometimes lacks the good manners to acknowledge people when they’re speaking (he says he heard me ask him to watch the pot but just forgot). My husband has a solution to just this problem. He doesn’t assume I’ve heard him unless I acknowledge him. This used to piss me off and I would snap at him (of course I heard you!) but then I realized how much better it was to respond if I heard him so he would know when I didn’t. Saves on lots of snapping at each other. As for the OP’s situation, I would have said something both times. When he drives, I navigate. If I see he’s on automatic pilot and he’s going the wrong way, I say so. If he forgot that public transportation was free, I would say so before watching him pay for it, probably by saying, “hey isn’t it free today?” I don’t see that as mothering, just realizing that everyone gets distracted sometimes, or goes on autopilot. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-right-in-being-bothered-by-this/365373.md?page=4)