# Am I wrong to not want to sleep in this bed? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 4, 2009, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-wrong-to-not-want-to-sleep-in-this-bed/498746 "2009-06-04T20:30:06Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![WOOKINPANUB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wookinpanub/32/132_2.png) [@WOOKINPANUB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WOOKINPANUB)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2009, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-wrong-to-not-want-to-sleep-in-this-bed/498746/1 "2009-06-04T20:30:06Z")
[This thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=390287)prompted me to pose a question to you all that has been eating at me for a couple of months. My boyfriend has shared custody of his five year old son whereby the child stays with him three nights a week. Due to money issues he currently only has a one bedroom apartment so dad and son share a bed. I have a \*very \*strong aversion to sleeping in that bed. I have done so a couple of times and the sheets were clean and had no noticable odor or anything, it just psychologically grosses me out. Do you think I’m being unreasonable? Would you be offended if you wre him? Would you take it as a rejection of your child? That’s totally not how I mean it (it least consciously), I simply find a bed too intimate a space to share with anyone but your SO. I realize he doesn’t have a choice at the moment but it’s become an issue for me. Any input would be greatly appreciated! ---
**Author:** ![Elyanna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b5ac83/32.png) [@Elyanna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elyanna)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2009, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-wrong-to-not-want-to-sleep-in-this-bed/498746/2 "2009-06-04T20:35:23Z")
I’m slightly confused. Do you mean sleeping in a bed with the boyfriend and the son at the same time? Or sleeping in a bed where the son has previously slept but is not currently occupying? ---
**Author:** ![WOOKINPANUB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wookinpanub/32/132_2.png) [@WOOKINPANUB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WOOKINPANUB)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2009, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-wrong-to-not-want-to-sleep-in-this-bed/498746/3 "2009-06-04T20:37:15Z")
> [@Elyanna](#): > > I’m slightly confused. Do you mean sleeping in a bed with the boyfriend and the son at the same time? Or sleeping in a bed where the son has previously slept but is not currently occupying? The second. I guess that’s a pretty important detail; thanks. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2009, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-wrong-to-not-want-to-sleep-in-this-bed/498746/4 "2009-06-04T20:38:50Z")
I think you need to take a good hard look at yourself and decide whether or not you want to be in a relationship with a single parent. IOW, yes, I think you’re overreacting and I suspect there’s a lot of unconscious resentment of the kid at play here. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2009, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-wrong-to-not-want-to-sleep-in-this-bed/498746/5 "2009-06-04T20:39:19Z")
To be honest, I find that a little weird. Is it a germ thing? A morality thing? A sex thing? ---
**Author:** ![Mtgman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b5a626/32.png) [@Mtgman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mtgman)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2009, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-wrong-to-not-want-to-sleep-in-this-bed/498746/6 "2009-06-04T20:40:48Z")
My wife and I shared a bed with our kids(co-sleeping) mostly until they were about four or so. We’re not doing bedroom gymnastics with the kid in bed with us, but aside from that, three in a bed isn’t a big deal. Our four year old came to our bed early this morning and laid with us for a little while. I don’t know if he had a nightmare or something, but it was fine. That seems a kind of odd thing to object to, especially if the kid isn’t even around. What’s up? Enjoy, Steven ---
**Author:** ![WOOKINPANUB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wookinpanub/32/132_2.png) [@WOOKINPANUB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WOOKINPANUB)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2009, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-wrong-to-not-want-to-sleep-in-this-bed/498746/7 "2009-06-04T20:42:41Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > I think you need to take a good hard look at yourself and decide whether or not you want to be in a relationship with a single parent. IOW, yes, I think you’re overreacting and I suspect there’s a lot of unconscious resentment of the kid at play here. Thanks for the response; I’m open to that idea. Just to add more info, I do like / get along with him. I don’t resent him as far as stealing time from the bf and I as I actually enjoy my space. My aversion is, as I’m perceiving it, purely on a physical / grossed out level. ---
**Author:** ![muldoonthief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muldoonthief/32/3188_2.png) [@muldoonthief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/muldoonthief)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2009, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-wrong-to-not-want-to-sleep-in-this-bed/498746/8 "2009-06-04T20:45:24Z")
Does he wash the sheets between bedpartners, or keep a separate set for each of you? That may help if it’s purely a gross-out thing. I personally wouldn’t want to sleep in sheets that someone other than my wife or kids have slept in. ---
**Author:** ![WOOKINPANUB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wookinpanub/32/132_2.png) [@WOOKINPANUB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WOOKINPANUB)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2009, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-wrong-to-not-want-to-sleep-in-this-bed/498746/9 "2009-06-04T20:45:27Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > To be honest, I find that a little weird. > > Is it a germ thing? A morality thing? A sex thing? Definitely not a sex thing. Possibly a germ thing. Not in the sense of catching something, it’s just. . . oogie to me. ---
**Author:** ![Elyanna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b5ac83/32.png) [@Elyanna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elyanna)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2009, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-wrong-to-not-want-to-sleep-in-this-bed/498746/10 "2009-06-04T20:45:34Z")
Yeah, I think you should let it go. ---
**Author:** ![WOOKINPANUB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wookinpanub/32/132_2.png) [@WOOKINPANUB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WOOKINPANUB)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2009, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-wrong-to-not-want-to-sleep-in-this-bed/498746/11 "2009-06-04T20:47:02Z")
> [@Mtgman](#): > > \ > That seems a kind of odd thing to object to, especially if the kid isn’t even around. What’s up? > > Enjoy, > Steven I wish I knew:confused: That’s my point; it seems perfectly logical to me but I can see how this might hurt bf’s feelings. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2009, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-wrong-to-not-want-to-sleep-in-this-bed/498746/12 "2009-06-04T20:47:40Z")
> [@muldoonthief](#): > > Does he wash the sheets between bedpartners, or keep a separate set for each of you? That may help if it’s purely a gross-out thing. I personally wouldn’t want to sleep in sheets that someone other than my wife or kids have slept in. That was my thought, too. Sleeping in the same sheets as another is one thing, but the same bed is a different thing. ---
**Author:** ![WOOKINPANUB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wookinpanub/32/132_2.png) [@WOOKINPANUB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WOOKINPANUB)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2009, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-wrong-to-not-want-to-sleep-in-this-bed/498746/13 "2009-06-04T20:50:08Z")
> [@muldoonthief](#): > > Does he wash the sheets between bedpartners, or keep a separate set for each of you? That may help if it’s purely a gross-out thing. I personally wouldn’t want to sleep in sheets that someone other than my wife or kids have slept in. He washes them, presumably weekly, but their schedule is sunch that he’s not going to be able to wash them after each time. I’m glad you can sort of identify with my aversion. ---
**Author:** ![Mtgman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b5a626/32.png) [@Mtgman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mtgman)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2009, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-wrong-to-not-want-to-sleep-in-this-bed/498746/14 "2009-06-04T20:50:29Z")
How much have you interacted with kid? Ever help out with bath time or any of the personal stuff that goes along with being a parent/step-parent? Is it possible you don’t see your relationship with kid as being on the personal level and therefore you don’t feel comfortable sharing something as personal as sleeping space? Even though it’s not same-time space sharing, it’s still a place where he sleeps, and if you think of him as somewhat of a stranger that could be the cause of some awkward feelings. Enjoy, Steven ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2009, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-wrong-to-not-want-to-sleep-in-this-bed/498746/15 "2009-06-04T20:50:50Z")
> [@WOOKINPANUB](#): > > Thanks for the response; I’m open to that idea. Just to add more info, I do like / get along with him. I don’t resent him as far as stealing time from the bf and I as I actually enjoy my space. My aversion is, as I’m perceiving it, purely on a physical / grossed out level. Do you have the same reaction sleeping over at someone else’s house, on sheets that a previous guest may have slept on? Or at a hotel? If so, then it might just be one of those cute quirky things about you. But if it’s specific to this kid, then I think there’s something more going on. Personal question you don’t have to answer for us if you don’t want to: Were you abused as a child? 'Cause that would make tons of sense and be totally understandable. Still something to work on, but a whole 'nother angle. ---
**Author:** ![WOOKINPANUB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wookinpanub/32/132_2.png) [@WOOKINPANUB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WOOKINPANUB)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2009, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-wrong-to-not-want-to-sleep-in-this-bed/498746/16 "2009-06-04T20:54:31Z")
> [@Mtgman](#): > > How much have you interacted with kid? Ever help out with bath time or any of the personal stuff that goes along with being a parent/step-parent? Is it possible you don’t see your relationship with kid as being on the personal level and therefore you don’t feel comfortable sharing something as personal as sleeping space? Even though it’s not same-time space sharing, it’s still a place where he sleeps, and if you think of him as somewhat of a stranger that could be the cause of some awkward feelings. > > Enjoy, > Steven I think this might be getting closer. I don’t do any personal stuff but we are affectionate with one another. I do care about him / like him, but I guess we’re not close enough yet for me to overlook the dirt factor that is common among little boys. ---
**Author:** ![delphica](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e9a140/32.png) [@delphica](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/delphica)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2009, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-wrong-to-not-want-to-sleep-in-this-bed/498746/17 "2009-06-04T20:56:23Z")
Does it go the other way 'round, as well? I would find it squiky to know that I would be having sex in this bed (I am assuming this, perhaps you are not) … and then a child that is not mine would be in my sex bed. In general I feel like where I have sex should be a fairly exclusive place. ---
**Author:** ![muldoonthief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muldoonthief/32/3188_2.png) [@muldoonthief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/muldoonthief)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2009, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-wrong-to-not-want-to-sleep-in-this-bed/498746/18 "2009-06-04T20:58:10Z")
> [@WOOKINPANUB](#): > > He washes them, presumably weekly, but their schedule is sunch that he’s not going to be able to wash them after each time. I’m glad you can sort of identify with my aversion. See if he’d be amenable to 2 sets of sheets, one for you, one for the kid. Put the appropriate set on each night, and wash them both weekly. ---
**Author:** ![WOOKINPANUB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wookinpanub/32/132_2.png) [@WOOKINPANUB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WOOKINPANUB)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2009, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-wrong-to-not-want-to-sleep-in-this-bed/498746/19 "2009-06-04T20:59:04Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > Do you have the same reaction sleeping over at someone else’s house, on sheets that a previous guest may have slept on? Or at a hotel? If so, then it might just be one of those cute quirky things about you. But if it’s specific to this kid, then I think there’s something more going on. > > Personal question you don’t have to answer for us if you don’t want to: Were you abused as a child? 'Cause that would make tons of sense and be totally understandable. Still something to work on, but a whole 'nother angle. To your first question, if I dwell on it, then yes :eek: I can remember not wanting to get in bed with my own parents after a certain age. To the second; as a matter of fact I was. I do feel completely healed from it but I guess you never know. I t did not occur to me that the two could be related. Thanks, one and all. I really would like to hear more thoughts on this. I’ll be offline until Monday AM but I’ll definitely check in to see if anyone has more to contribute. Everyone have a safe and happy weekend! Wook ---
**Author:** ![emmaliminal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7bcc69/32.png) [@emmaliminal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/emmaliminal)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2009, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-wrong-to-not-want-to-sleep-in-this-bed/498746/20 "2009-06-04T21:01:49Z")
> [@WOOKINPANUB](#): > > …the sheets were clean and had no noticable odor or anything… Does the little boy in question have a noticeable odor himself? Does he have toilet mishaps? Is there any reason for your subconscious to be uneasy about him dirt-wise? Smells are funny things that often talk straight to our lizard-brains without chatting in the frontal lobes much. I’m thinking that if you can identify any real source for your discomfort, you’re more likely to be able to get over it (reassure yourself that he was just filthy That One Time, or something). Do you know or can you find out if he routinely has a bath before bed? Some kids do. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/am-i-wrong-to-not-want-to-sleep-in-this-bed/498746.md?page=2)