# Amateur Psychoanalysis Needed
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/amateur-psychoanalysis-needed/75482
**Category:** In My Humble Opinion
**Created:** [August 8, 2001, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/amateur-psychoanalysis-needed/75482 "2001-08-08T18:35:51Z")
**Posts on this page:** 19
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)
#### Post date: [August 8, 2001, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/amateur-psychoanalysis-needed/75482/1 "2001-08-08T18:35:51Z")
::jarbaby trots in, lays on couch, folds arms across chest::
I’ve got a bit of a problem. A weird yet powerful and slightly unnerving sexual condition
::chorus sings: what else is new?::
Anyway, it just struck me at lunch today that I absolutely have a smoking fetish. Now, I don’t mean in the literal definition of fetish, wherein smoking is required for me to achieve sexual satisfaction, but I do have an honest, real, physiological sexual reaction to watching men smoke.
All my life (well, since adolescence) I’ve just been enthralled with GOOD, male smokers. And when I say good, I mean I don’t get turned on by watching a shaky, smoking newbie struggle with a cigarette for a quick high.
but there are guys out there…guys who have been smoking forever and they’re just so…good at it. They do it with style. It’s like a heartbeat to them, they can talk with the cigarette in their mouth, wave it around like its a natural appendage, discreetly blowing the smoke away from my face while they talk. it’s HOT!
And today, to top it, I saw a guy outside Water Tower Place pull a cigarette from a pack, quickly draw it across his tongue and then light it. I’ll be honest, my jaw dropped, my cheeks flushed. I loved it!
And I know smoking is bad. I know it’s deadly. I dated a smoker for four years and I HATED it (and him actually). My clothes and hair always smelled like smoke, I’m sure my lungs were damaged by being around him, and I thought that experience would cleanse me of this unhealthy attraction.
But it didn’t.
Hubby does not smoke, daddy, mommy, nobody in my family smokes. I don’t smoke. but I’d say 8 out of 10 guys that I fantasize about are BIG smokers, and that adds to the fantasy.
A search on google or yahoo for ‘smoking fetish’ reveals that this is usually a male thing, men watching women smoke, and I’ve yet to find another woman who loves it as much as I do.
What’s my deal?
jarbaby
---
### Author:  [@CrankyAsAnOldMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrankyAsAnOldMan)
#### Post date: [August 8, 2001, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/amateur-psychoanalysis-needed/75482/2 "2001-08-08T18:45:09Z")
Complete and total nutjob. That’s Dr. Cranky’s diagnosis.
My fee is $90 for this 1/2 hour session.
---
### Author:  [@Geek\_Mecha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Geek_Mecha)
#### Post date: [August 8, 2001, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/amateur-psychoanalysis-needed/75482/3 "2001-08-08T19:21:24Z")
Confidence is sexy. And though I think it’s one of the most disgusting habits on the planet, I’ve seen smokers that I thought were sexy, too.
Perhaps it’s a bad-boy thing?
---
### Author:  [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)
#### Post date: [August 8, 2001, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/amateur-psychoanalysis-needed/75482/4 "2001-08-08T19:29:34Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by CrankyAsAnOldMan \*
> \*\*Complete and total nutjob. That’s Dr. Cranky’s diagnosis.
>
> My fee is $90 for this 1/2 hour session. \*\*
Amateur Cranky, AMATEUR. You get jack squat for telling me what I already know 🙂
jarbaby
---
### Author:  [@Fiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fiver)
#### Post date: [August 8, 2001, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/amateur-psychoanalysis-needed/75482/5 "2001-08-08T19:30:51Z")
The solution to your problem is between my legs.
---
### Author:  [@Ellen\_Cherry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ellen_Cherry)
#### Post date: [August 8, 2001, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/amateur-psychoanalysis-needed/75482/6 "2001-08-08T20:00:28Z")
OK this happened to me once too, Jarbaby. He had left his wife and was staying in a friend’s spare room while painting her house and generally being a Mr. Fixit til the two of them patched it up. He was a neanderthal, but he was _gorgeous_ and he smoked with precisely the same confidence you describe. I tend to think it’s the package, not the smoking, because the vivid reek of smoker’s breath is a real dry 'em up experience for me.
Diagnosis – you are orally fixated and seeing men fooling with a cigarette remind you of other pursuits that could be occupying their tongues. :o
---
### Author:  [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)
#### Post date: [August 8, 2001, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/amateur-psychoanalysis-needed/75482/7 "2001-08-08T20:37:00Z")
Obviously you hate your parents.
And you have penis evny.
You probably get turned by watching men do someting they are good or well practiced at doing.
So you should watch me jerk off sometime. I’m so good at it I’m sure you’ll enjoy it.
---
### Author:  [@Francesca](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Francesca)
#### Post date: [August 8, 2001, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/amateur-psychoanalysis-needed/75482/8 "2001-08-08T21:10:02Z")
**Jarbaby** I am absolutely, positively with you every step of the way. To see a man smoke well… wow. Does something to me every single time.
The bit that makes me go week at the knees: seeing a man tapping out a cigarette, putting it nonchalently in his mouth, lighting it up with a big flame (and it has to be a big flame), while squinting into the light and looking mean-as-fuck. Woah mama.
I think it comes from watching movies as a child of Clint Eastwood and others looking so damn cool. My other half doesn’t smoke, except for _alternative_ cigarettes, but everytime he does, I sit in rapt adulation. It’s incredibly sexy.
I think I have to lie down now.
---
### Author:  [@pezpunk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pezpunk)
#### Post date: [August 8, 2001, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/amateur-psychoanalysis-needed/75482/9 "2001-08-08T21:25:07Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Fiver \*
> \*\*The solution to your problem is between my legs. \*\*
Actually she said the problem is a fetish for men who smoke, not guys with small dicks. 😃
[sub]sorry I couldn’t resist[/sub]
---
### Author:  [@Tretiak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tretiak)
#### Post date: [August 8, 2001, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/amateur-psychoanalysis-needed/75482/10 "2001-08-08T21:29:55Z")
I don’t walk out of movies, but it is only because I am there with friends. But I can honestly say that if I was by myself I would have walked out of this year alone **Hannibal, Pearl Harbor, Original Sin, and AI** (the last 25 minutes).
---
### Author:  [@mrblue92](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mrblue92)
#### Post date: [August 8, 2001, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/amateur-psychoanalysis-needed/75482/11 "2001-08-08T21:36:36Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Fiver \*
> \*\*The solution to your problem is between my legs. \*\*
Why would you put a cigarette there? 😃
(ow, Ow, OW!)
My dear **jarbaby** …
Clearly ze problem existz deep within ze recezzez of your zubconzcious mind. Your inner child zees ze cigarette az ze father, and ze zmokers lipz az the mozzer. Ze product of zis union is ze zmoke, which you long to be, free and floating, yet you alzo want to be drawn in ze lungz, ze mozzer’z womb, ze place of zafety.
Zo, ze zubconzcious tells you zeek freedom and zafety at ze zame time, but doing zo it iz ze female you dezire not, az one might zink ze male. In zis caze, ze zigarette only zeems to be of ze phallic nature. Conzquently, we must come to ze concluzion that your fixation iz ze rezult of a reprezzed homozexual urge.
[sub]Or not.[/sub]
---
### Author:  [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)
#### Post date: [August 8, 2001, 10:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/amateur-psychoanalysis-needed/75482/12 "2001-08-08T22:06:41Z")
Of course, then there’s my german accent fetish mrblue.
A german smoker would, and has, just about done me in.
I’m glad though, to hear that francesca at least feels the same way. Tell me Fran, what do you think about a man, a mean as fuck man, with the cigarette hanging from the side of his mouth, his eyes a little squinted, with a sly smile on his face.
I’ve got a picture of one framed on my wall. god DAMN it he’s hot.
jarbaby
---
### Author:  [@bughunter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bughunter)
#### Post date: [August 9, 2001, 12:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/amateur-psychoanalysis-needed/75482/13 "2001-08-09T00:08:23Z")
> [@](#):
>
> **Conzquently, we must come to ze concluzion that your fixation iz ze rezult of a reprezzed homozexual urge.**
Sometimes a cigar[ette] is just a cigar[ette].
I’m guessing that you have been conditioned by the ubiquitous images of Marlboro men, Clint Eastwood, Humphrey Bogart, etc., that have surrounded you your entire life. They all play on the more general “bad boy” attraction that many, many women seem to develop at some point or another.
Of course, it’s not always that simple… the oral nature of smoking has always been part of its attraction, both for smokers and their admirers. (I had a girlfriend who would finish off rolling a joint by sticking the entire thing in her mouth and twisting as she drew it out between moistend lips. It made me turgid every time. In fact, just thinking about it makes… uh, I better stop thinking about it now.)
Anyway, I wouldn’t characterize it as a _problem_ unless you start actually committing acts of infidelity with these men. Fantasies are just fine; in fact, they’re healthy. Even flirting is OK if you are certain you can remain in control of the situation.
---
### Author:  [@mrblue92](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mrblue92)
#### Post date: [August 9, 2001, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/amateur-psychoanalysis-needed/75482/14 "2001-08-09T00:43:33Z")
> [@](#):
>
> _Originally posted by jarbabyj \*\*\*
> Of course, then there’s my german accent fetish mrblue._\*
Well, zat, my darling, iz zimply ze intelligent responze to ze blatant zexuality inherent in ze Germanic blood. 😉
> [@](#):
>
> _Originally posted by bughunter_\*\*
> Sometimes a cigar[ette] is just a cigar[ette].\*\*
Quiet you. 😛
---
### Author:  [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)
#### Post date: [August 9, 2001, 1:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/amateur-psychoanalysis-needed/75482/15 "2001-08-09T01:26:38Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by jarbabyj \*
> \*\*
> What’s my deal?
>
> jarbaby \*\*
The treatment for this is obvious.
I need to start smoking where you can see me!
---
### Author:  [@bughunter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bughunter)
#### Post date: [August 9, 2001, 6:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/amateur-psychoanalysis-needed/75482/16 "2001-08-09T06:11:31Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*\*Quiet you. 😛 \*\*
\
\
\
---
### Author:  [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)
#### Post date: [August 9, 2001, 2:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/amateur-psychoanalysis-needed/75482/17 "2001-08-09T14:01:56Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by bughunter \*
>
> Anyway, I wouldn’t characterize it as a _problem_ unless you start actually committing acts of infidelity with these men. Fantasies are just fine; in fact, they’re healthy. Even flirting is OK if you are certain you can remain in control of the situation.
Oh bughunter, I’m in trouble. I hate being in control of a situation. 😉 But I know what you mean.
Actually my husband used to smoke before I met him for years, and now he’ll have an ocassional cigarette when we’re out drinking because he knows it drives me wild with his bald head and goatee and giant stature. I’m married to a thug and I love it.
RickJay: Why don’t you come right on down to the chidope, you can smoke for me and we can talk about how much we disagree about baseball!
jarbaby
---
### Author:  [@CrankyAsAnOldMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrankyAsAnOldMan)
#### Post date: [August 9, 2001, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/amateur-psychoanalysis-needed/75482/18 "2001-08-09T14:14:00Z")
After calling you a nutjob, I guess I’d better ante up.
The thing that makes me go weak in the knees is seeing a man put on a dress shirt. The absolute best is when there’s still a paper tab from the cleaners through one of the buttonholes and when he’s buttoning it up, he gives the tab a quick jerk to break it and discards it. Good god, I have a movie reel in my head of a man doing this. It drives me wild.
Of course, wouldn’t you know I married a man who never puts on dress shirts and sure as heck never gets them done at the cleaners.
---
### Author:  [@Turbo\_Dog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Turbo_Dog)
#### Post date: [August 9, 2001, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/amateur-psychoanalysis-needed/75482/19 "2001-08-09T22:21:31Z")
**jarbabyj** ,
I think it is perfectly normal. You appear to be attracted to men who have a talent for manipulating small, circular objects with their lips, tongues and fingers in a dextrous manner while lightly sucking and blowing.
You know… I’m a pretty good smoker…😉
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by pezpunk \*
> \*\*
>
> Actually she said the problem is a fetish for men who smoke, not guys with small dicks. :D\*\*
Well crap, never mind then.
Hey **Cranky** ,
I wear dress shirts daily, even on weekends. Cleaner tabs are stapled to the front tail, but I do rip off all the single strand “irish pennants” from them:)