# America for Americans! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [April 12, 2003, 2:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/america-for-americans/168174 "2003-04-12T02:19:06Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Zoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/a4c791/32.png) [@Zoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zoe)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2003, 2:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/america-for-americans/168174/1 "2003-04-12T02:19:06Z")
I just love my country – America, land of the free! And I love my fellow Americans – all of them! Well, _almost_ all of them. Naturally I don’t like anyone who wants to overthrow our government – you know, like hippies and Communists and the like. But I really do love _Americans_! (Of course, it goes without saying that survivalists and neo-Nazis are not very loveable. But that doesn’t count, does it? That’s not really _the American way_.) What’s not to like about Americans? Admittedly, I am a little afraid of those who want to trash the Constitution by taking away our right to bear arms. We’re all part of one great militia, aren’t we? By heck, if we even wanted to make our own MOABs and missles, we have that right guaranteed by the Second Ammendment, don’t we? As long as we don’t let criminals have weapons, we will be just fine, thank you. We are endowed by our Creator with certain inalienable rights. It’s in the Bible somewhere. Don’t like it? So shoot me! Most Americans are really very nice. But people from the North do get on my nerves sometimes – what with that nasal way of talking and the way they are always in such a rush and poke you with their elbows on the sidewalks in the city and don’t even bother to excuse themselves. They just don’t give a damn! Did you know that someone dropped dead right in front of the Stock Exchange and within five minutes there was a pool in one of the offices on how long the body would stay there? But really, I do love this country and her people – unless you count those silly celebrities who are always spouting their liberal political gibberish. I mean, what gives them the right just because they’re famous? What we need in Hollywood is the likes of a John Wayne. Now there was an American! But what is it with these Southerners? They all marry their cousins, you know, and that’s why their ears are set a little low on their heads, so I’ve heard. And slow? You bet – in more ways than one! (wink, wink) They talk slowly and use words you’ve never heard anywhere else like _homony grits_ and _poke salat._ Can’t they speak normal English and eat normal food? Dumb as a sack of hair – all of them. And those people on the West Coast! They’re all naturalists and environmentalist who want to take away jobs from hard-working people like miners and loggers and the Secretary of the Department of the Interior. What does it matter if we drop a link or two in the food chain? Environmentalists need to chill about this nuclear winter stuff and ozone depletion and fuel conservation. It’s bunk! _This is America! We’re safe!_ Now, when I say that I love Americans, please understand that I’m talking about _real_ Americans – not those Mexican-Americans who are taking our jobs or the Indians who just won’t work at all…or those Orientals who jabber so fast and study all the time. All they do is smile and study and chatter. Smile and study and chatter. They are as tiresome and predictable as the Italians. Eat, kill, confess. Eat, kill, confess. And think about the number of Canadians who have slipped across the border and into the newsrooms and quiz shows of our country. How can you trust a Canadian-American to give you unbiased news? And if they’re not Canadians, they’re Jews. Talk bout an agenda! What is it with the men in this country? They are either cowboys who smell like roadkill or business men who wear God-awful clothes and sit in little cubicles with cartoons taped to the walls. Or they are CEOs – Creative Economic Opportunists. Or they are trying to hold women and African-Americans down so they won’t get “uppity.” Or they are paid a zillion dollars for carrying fake pigskin a few yards. And the women are as bad as the men! Always pushing! You would think that the Masters’ Tournament was the be all and end all of sucess and equality! Let’s face it. Women are never going to be worth a damn at golf – much less real sports. Besides, women _can’t_ be in the good-ole-boy network because…guess what? They aren’t boys!! They need to confront the fact that they are women and get over it! And the kids these days are just about to destroy America with their music and insolence and greed. Rude, rude, rude! And at the other end of the line, why don’t we set some sort of cut off point for social security and Medicare for old people? Why should they want to live past seventy anyway? Such a burden on society and nobody really wants to be a burden, right? Speaking of burdens, what are we going to do with those people who are ruining our streets by sleeping on them? Who do they think they are? For crying outloud, _go inside_! Do you know who is really running this country into the ground? It’s the religious fundamentalists and the homos. Bicker, bicker, bicker. Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with THEM! Religious people should just keep their Bible thumping views to themselves and homos should keep their you-know-whats to themselves. Got it? I almost forgot. So help me, if I see one more peacenik on the sidewalk, I am going to run him over! Keep your nose out of our war, Bozo! They should all be investigated if they don’t like America _just the way it is_. How dare they voice their anti-everything philosophies in a country as free and wonderful as ours! And don’t forget to say a prayer for our nation’s “leaders” in their efforts to “fight for peace”! Whatever happened to good old-fashioned honest-to-God statesmen like that James Stewart/Mr. Smith guy? Other than that, I just love my country – America, land of the free! And I love my fellow Americans. ---
**Author:** ![Michael\_Ellis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/977dab/32.png) [@Michael\_Ellis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Michael_Ellis)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2003, 3:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/america-for-americans/168174/2 "2003-04-12T03:17:09Z")
And your point is…? ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2003, 4:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/america-for-americans/168174/3 "2003-04-12T04:05:08Z")
Reminds me of an MST3K riff at this one really bad singing hick: Mike: “America for Americans, let’s send all the Indians back to Africa!” He sang the line and it’s HYSTERICAL to hear it in this d’uh hick voice. I think this is a parody. ---
**Author:** ![kniz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c37758/32.png) [@kniz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kniz)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2003, 4:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/america-for-americans/168174/4 "2003-04-12T04:16:07Z")
You started out pretty good there **Zoe** , but then you digressed a bit. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![5-HT](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/5/f19dbf/32.png) [@5-HT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/5-HT)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2003, 5:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/america-for-americans/168174/5 "2003-04-12T05:01:14Z")
ummm… what? ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2003, 5:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/america-for-americans/168174/6 "2003-04-12T05:06:00Z")
I’m pushing this one into the BBQ Pit. ---
**Author:** ![SLASH](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a3d4f5/32.png) [@SLASH](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SLASH)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2003, 5:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/america-for-americans/168174/7 "2003-04-12T05:18:28Z")
> [@](#): > > I almost forgot. So help me, if I see one more peacenik on the sidewalk, I am going to run him over! You and I see eye to eye. ---
**Author:** ![Binarydrone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3da27b/32.png) [@Binarydrone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Binarydrone)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2003, 6:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/america-for-americans/168174/8 "2003-04-12T06:42:34Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by 5-HT \* > \*\*ummm… what? \*\* Well, you see, I believe that the OP was making a satirical comment on how divided our county is of late, and using humor to point that out. Also, as we are now in the Pit, I would like to point out that **SLASH** is a dick and representative of part of the problem (unless he is playing along with the joke and not being serious in which case I apologize). ---
**Author:** ![Uzi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/91b2a8/32.png) [@Uzi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uzi)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2003, 6:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/america-for-americans/168174/9 "2003-04-12T06:55:10Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Binarydrone \* > \*\*…I would like to point out that **SLASH** is a dick and representative of part of the problem (unless he is playing along with the joke and not being serious in which case I apologize). \*\* Of course he is joking. It’s against the law to drive on the sidewalk. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![rjung](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/45deac/32.png) [@rjung](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rjung)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2003, 7:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/america-for-americans/168174/10 "2003-04-12T07:06:54Z")
An 8.6 for the effort, **Zoe,** but you lose points for omitting a paragraph about Islam, Buddhism, and those other unAmerican cults/pagans/moon gods. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Kal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9de053/32.png) [@Kal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kal)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2003, 8:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/america-for-americans/168174/11 "2003-04-12T08:17:12Z")
I saw this thread title and thought someone else had been getting emails from my Mother in Law. ---
**Author:** ![Tars\_Tarkas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Tars\_Tarkas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tars_Tarkas)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2003, 8:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/america-for-americans/168174/12 "2003-04-12T08:22:42Z")
No, it’s take _TWO_ of the red pills once a day, not twenty-two red pills eleven times a day! ---
**Author:** ![Coriolanus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/coriolanus/32/18769_2.png) [@Coriolanus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Coriolanus)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2003, 9:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/america-for-americans/168174/13 "2003-04-12T09:31:00Z")
> [@](#): > > I will not rest until I have you holding a Coke, wearing your own shoe, playing a Sega game _featuring you_, while singing your own song in a new commercial, _starring you_, broadcast during the Superbowl, in a game that you are winning, and I will not _sleep_ until that happens. I’ll give you fifteen minutes to call me back. ~ hovers mouse pointer over Submit Reply ~ Wait…this isn’t the Tom Cruise rant thread! Maybe it is… Joel, get off the babysitter! ---
**Author:** ![Audrey\_Levins](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/73ab20/32.png) [@Audrey\_Levins](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Audrey_Levins)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2003, 10:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/america-for-americans/168174/14 "2003-04-12T10:46:21Z")
_applause_ Zoe is making a very tongue-in-cheek and clever commentary on the state of modern America and the “conditions” we place on who we think belongs here, if I’m not mistaken…and anyone who’s taken her “rant” at face value isn’t picking up what she’s laying down. Bravo, Zoe, on making everyone who’s paying attention feel a little, or a lot, more guilty than they felt before they read it. ---
**Author:** ![Lsura](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7993a0/32.png) [@Lsura](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lsura)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2003, 10:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/america-for-americans/168174/15 "2003-04-12T10:53:06Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by rjung \* > \*\*An 8.6 for the effort, **Zoe,** but you lose points for omitting a paragraph about Islam, Buddhism, and those other unAmerican cults/pagans/moon gods. 😉 \*\* Don’t forget to include the Catholics in there. Those Papists have their first loyalty to that old dude in Rome, so they can never be true Americans. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Space\_Vampire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Space\_Vampire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Space_Vampire)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2003, 11:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/america-for-americans/168174/16 "2003-04-12T11:42:11Z")
I worry about anybody who didn’t get the OP. Other than its initially being placed in GD, it’s pretty inspired. ---
**Author:** ![SkipMagic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skipmagic/32/20706_2.png) [@SkipMagic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SkipMagic)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2003, 11:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/america-for-americans/168174/17 "2003-04-12T11:51:23Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Lsura \* > \*\*Don’t forget to include the Catholics in there. Those Papists have their first loyalty to that old dude in Rome, so they can never be true Americans. 😉 \*\* I think she did–or at least a reference to them: > [@](#): > > They are as tiresome and predictable as the Italians. Eat, kill, _confess_. Eat, kill, _confess_. (Italics mine. Italians, not mine. I’m mostly Irish.) Damn Catholics; they just can’t keep their crimes to themselves, can they? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Eva\_Luna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/e495f1/32.png) [@Eva\_Luna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eva_Luna)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2003, 1:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/america-for-americans/168174/18 "2003-04-12T13:36:36Z")
Any link in particular you had in mind for the OP, or are there to many to count? ---
**Author:** ![fishcrawford](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/85f322/32.png) [@fishcrawford](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fishcrawford)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2003, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/america-for-americans/168174/19 "2003-04-12T14:02:00Z")
I like it. ---
**Author:** ![Duck\_Duck\_Goose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/50afbb/32.png) [@Duck\_Duck\_Goose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duck_Duck_Goose)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2003, 2:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/america-for-americans/168174/20 "2003-04-12T14:04:29Z")
I liked it, too. Very nice. Many many whooshes, too. Hee. 😃 [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/america-for-americans/168174.md?page=2)