# American Ninja Warrior **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Tags:** reality-or-game-show\ **Created:** [August 5, 2014, 1:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/american-ninja-warrior/694839 "2014-08-05T01:38:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 46
**Author:** ![PetroDude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/278dde/32.png) [@PetroDude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PetroDude)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2023, 1:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/american-ninja-warrior/694839/902 "2023-09-06T13:57:19Z")
Did it seem like the red side of the Epic Air surfer had a lot more ‘slide’ in the last obstacle compared to the blue side. I noticed at least two racers go down as they slide off of that last set of landing pads and several had to reset and be very careful on the dismount at the end. It was like they couldn’t lache without going over the edge. I started paying more attention to the blue side and no one ever had to do more than a simple dismount on that side. ---
**Author:** ![That\_Don\_Guy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/that_don_guy/32/538_2.png) [@That\_Don\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/That_Don_Guy)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2023, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/american-ninja-warrior/694839/903 "2023-09-06T14:30:05Z")
> [@StarvingButStrong](#): > > The, uh, preview of Stage Three… Did they say anything at all about the order the players were running in? Like, faster times later or someting? I think Gill was shown very late in the Stage Two races, but way early on Stage Three. They never mention the order, in part because runs aren’t usually shown in order. The one exception was the first year somebody made it to Stage 4; two Ninjas made it, and they said that whoever had the fastest time on Stage 3 got to choose whether to go first or second. The problem with going late in Stage 3 is, you may not get as much rest for Stage 4. I think this has been a problem in the past. As for whether or not they will keep head-to-head racing in Stage 2, remember that “reportedly,” next season has already been taped (insert your guess for the reason here - e.g. “because of NBC’s Olympics coverage”; “to have something to air in the Spring in case the strikes run too long to air enough scripted shows” (although I don’t think anybody figured on this when the decision was made); “just in case NBC decides not to renew the show after next season” (but I can see, say, TBS picking it up - ironic, as TBS (Tokyo Broadcasting System) has its logo appear in the closing credits). ---
**Author:** ![DKW](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dkw/32/3118_2.png) [@DKW](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DKW)\ **Post date:** [September 7, 2023, 3:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/american-ninja-warrior/694839/904 "2023-09-07T03:44:01Z")
The wind of my soul - Look, you do you, but… **“close”??** Look again. Only Wilson-Dillon and Bartnicki-Walker were in the same county as close, and neither went to the buzzer (which, let me be quite clear, NBC does not consider a suggestion). As for upsets, I already said it in semis: If the contest that decides the matchups _isn’t_ a complete armbreaker and the contest with the matchups _is_ a complete armbreaker, there’s an excellent chance the chalk isn’t going to hold up. It’s nothing to cheer about. You like riveting, hard-fought, unpredictable match competition? Great, so do I. It’s called Ninja vs. Ninja. Let’s have that, not some confusing pastiche that produces lots of dull finishes. Re. getting to Stage 3 without a buzzer (and the Safety Pass): I’m against this continual loosening of standards and increasing generosity with prizes mainly because it royally screws a lot of past stars (ask Geoff Britten or Joe Moravsky how it feels to be the last man not rewarded for what he accomplished), but I realize that ship left the harbor a long time ago. ---
**Author:** ![MaxTheVool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9fc29f/32.png) [@MaxTheVool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MaxTheVool)\ **Post date:** [September 7, 2023, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/american-ninja-warrior/694839/905 "2023-09-07T21:06:43Z")
> [@PetroDude](#): > > Did it seem like the red side of the Epic Air surfer had a lot more ‘slide’ in the last obstacle compared to the blue side. I noticed at least two racers go down as they slide off of that last set of landing pads and several had to reset and be very careful on the dismount at the end. It was like they couldn’t lache without going over the edge. I started paying more attention to the blue side and no one ever had to do more than a simple dismount on that side. A lot of people on the ANW subreddit are saying the same thing. Which would, if true, really seriously suck. Hopefully they’re a lot more careful next season to go over every inch of both the side-by-side articles. ---
**Author:** ![psychobunny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/54ee81/32.png) [@psychobunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/psychobunny)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2023, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/american-ninja-warrior/694839/906 "2023-09-11T00:57:07Z")
Personally not a fan of the racing. Also would like more unique obstacles. These guys have trained way too much. Also, these obstacles are too short. On stage 3 several of them have only three moves to complete. Make them longer to make them more difficult. I was a little upset with the promo spoiler that 8/14 finished stage 3. To me that means that it is too easy. ---
**Author:** ![PetroDude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/278dde/32.png) [@PetroDude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PetroDude)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2023, 12:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/american-ninja-warrior/694839/907 "2023-09-11T12:16:44Z")
And it’s even worse they had the promo spoiler announce there is a stage 4 winner. I predict their will be multiple stage 4 completions. ---
**Author:** ![That\_Don\_Guy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/that_don_guy/32/538_2.png) [@That\_Don\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/That_Don_Guy)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2023, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/american-ninja-warrior/694839/908 "2023-09-11T21:16:33Z")
…and if so, we can then spend the next few months debating whether or not the ones that completed it within 30 seconds but weren’t the fast get to be called American Ninja Warrior (I am in the “yes” camp). ---
**Author:** ![MaxTheVool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9fc29f/32.png) [@MaxTheVool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MaxTheVool)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2023, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/american-ninja-warrior/694839/909 "2023-09-12T20:20:27Z")
To be really hardcore, only someone who completed it in 30 seconds and also had no falls or race-losses or safety-pass-uses of any sort can be called American Ninja Warrior. In which case, the entire list of American Ninja Warriors is: Geoff Britten I don’t think the problem is that stage 3 is too easy or that the obstacles are too short. I think the current generation of ninjas is just way too damn good. Which, arguably, is saying the same thing… but I bet that if you took the 14 stage 3 competitors and put them back on season 4 or 5 or so, 10 or 12 of them would finish that stage 3 without breaking a sweat. ---
**Author:** ![StarvingButStrong](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/starvingbutstrong/32/335_2.png) [@StarvingButStrong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StarvingButStrong)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2023, 1:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/american-ninja-warrior/694839/910 "2023-09-13T01:46:14Z")
You’ve gotta feel for Gil. Losing by a couple seconds, fighting back to the finals in a couple years, "winning’ by finishing with a couple second to spare…and then someone goes a second faster. I think I would have broken out in tears. ---
**Author:** ![psychobunny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/54ee81/32.png) [@psychobunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/psychobunny)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2023, 8:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/american-ninja-warrior/694839/911 "2023-09-13T08:14:19Z")
My thoughts on the finale: I always like to have someone to root against. A few years back it was RJ Roman. He just seemed too cocky . However, he has been so consistently excellent that he has changed my mind. So now I have switched my animosity toward Daniel Gill because I hate bringing religion into the competition. So I was rooting for Roman and against Gil. However, I can’t hate on Vance Walker so I am happy with the outcome. And while I can have some schadenfreude at seeing Gil’s disappointment, I actually feel bad for him. I still think there should be some sort of prize for everyone who completes stage 4. I really hate that you can be edged out by someone a second faster and get nothing. I still think that there were too many who finished stage 3. Finally, if you want to predict who will be able to do the rope climb, look at the biceps. The bigger the biceps, the better they do. ---
**Author:** ![The\_wind\_of\_my\_soul](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecc23a/32.png) [@The\_wind\_of\_my\_soul](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_wind_of_my_soul)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2023, 11:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/american-ninja-warrior/694839/912 "2023-09-13T11:32:53Z")
> [@MaxTheVool](#): > > I don’t think the problem is that stage 3 is too easy or that the obstacles are too short. I think the current generation of ninjas is just way too damn good. Which, arguably, is saying the same thing… but I bet that if you took the 14 stage 3 competitors and put them back on season 4 or 5 or so, 10 or 12 of them would finish that stage 3 without breaking a sweat. I absolutely agree that the best current ninjas are way better than the best ten years ago. But I don’t think it’s _quite_ as simple as “they’re just too damn good.” I started watching at season 9. If you dropped these ninjas into season 9, half of them (including the two that finished the rope climb in under thirty seconds) would not have even made it to stage 3, because you weren’t allowed to advance with a non-complete or get a second chance at completing a course. The four that remained would have had to face the wingnuts, which was a brand new and extremely challenging obstacle. Definitely harder and more of a differentiator than the falling shelves that everyone has practiced to death. I mean, hell, when the falling shelves were brand new they were way more of a differentiator. Then stage 3 had a more challenging ultimate cliff-hanger that was more of a differentiator (IIRC, they redesigned it and made it easier in season 11), plus less rest bars. > [@psychobunny](#): > > Finally, if you want to predict who will be able to do the rope climb, look at the biceps. The bigger the biceps, the better they do. Yes, and I am very proud of my forecasting skills here. Before the climb-off, my boyfriend asked me to predict how many people could do the rope climb in thirty seconds or less, and I said “Vance and Daniel can do it in under 30, everyone else is too skinny and won’t have the explosive power that comes from a stockier physique.” ---
**Author:** ![EllisDee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ellisdee/32/4531_2.png) [@EllisDee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EllisDee)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2023, 12:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/american-ninja-warrior/694839/913 "2023-09-13T12:01:59Z")
> [@psychobunny](#): > > I always like to have someone to root against. A few years back it was RJ Roman. He just seemed too cocky . However, he has been so consistently excellent that he has changed my mind. Are you me? Get out of my head! Seriously, though, my feelings exactly. I think if I were training for ANW full time, and I was good enough to have a real shot at stage 4, I think I would do everything in my power to have a practice rope that was taller than 75 ft. It looked like RJ’s practice rope was 50 ft tops, which is around where he started to slow down. ---
**Author:** ![MaxTheVool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9fc29f/32.png) [@MaxTheVool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MaxTheVool)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2023, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/american-ninja-warrior/694839/914 "2023-09-13T19:48:30Z")
> [@The\_wind\_of\_my\_soul](#): > > If you dropped these ninjas into season 9, half of them (including the two that finished the rope climb in under thirty seconds) would not have even made it to stage 3 I mean, in fairness, they were playing by the rules of the current season, so had different pressures on them. Certainly hard not to think that Daniel fell in the semifinal race because he was trying to go as fast as possible to get to the safety pass, etc. (Although I’ve lost track of who fell when.) Weren’t the wingnuts on stage 2? ---
**Author:** ![EllisDee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ellisdee/32/4531_2.png) [@EllisDee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EllisDee)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2023, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/american-ninja-warrior/694839/915 "2023-09-13T23:28:25Z")
There was always time pressure on stage 2, but your point stands. EDIT: I misread semifinals as meaning stage 2. ---
**Author:** ![DKW](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dkw/32/3118_2.png) [@DKW](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DKW)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2023, 5:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/american-ninja-warrior/694839/916 "2023-09-14T05:32:21Z")
Hahh. Difficult discussion incoming. I know I’ve put up with a lot: Ridiculous nicknames, screaming directly into the camera, moronic chants, glurgy profiles, Eyes and Bodge’s nonstop buffoonery, and leitmotifs, just to name a few. Like you, I’ll tolerate a lot of annoyances in something I enjoy. But I **have** to draw the line at gross immorality, and what happened to Daniel Gil absolutely qualifies. First off, may I point out how _insane_ it is that hundreds, possibly thousands of athletes are now training _hours per day, year round_ for this? This used to be the province of the amateur, with success in naffies never guaranteed and making it to Stage 3 or even Stage 2 a triumph of the will. Not because of any elitist desire to keep it in the hands of the independently wealthy, but because _it’s an obstacle race with constantly changing obstacles and rules based on a friggin’ Japanese game show which pays jack squat_ and thus wasn’t deserving of being taken at all seriously. There was an implicit understanding that anyone with the athleticism, health, and drive to reach the top of Mount Midoriyama would be in a real sport making real or at least semipro money and not have the time or energy to take part in a cornball reality show. I mean, think about it, you rarely hear of applicants spending months with vocal coaches to get on The Voice or taking months of dance classes to get on Dancing With The Stars, and when it _does_ happen the fans (rightfully) decry it as an unfair advantage! But if the show _has_ grown out of its amateur roots, if these athletes are now _required_ to be on the caliber of professionals to even be _considered_ (and given what quallies has turned into, I’d say that’s the case), they should be _compensated_ like professionals. This is a _full time job_ for them; it should pay like one. We’re 14 seasons in, and we still don’t have any prize structure whatsoever, much less a sensible one. Which means that second place is still the first nuclear missile up the rectum, but now it takes _vastly more work,_ _and_ it could very well be someone who made it up the mountain. Oh wait, not could be, IS. After Dag finished second to Drew Dreschel and later realized he was cheated out of $100,000, he could’ve given up right there. If you’re the #2 guy in a sport, you shouldn’t have to go hungry just because the one person better than you didn’t have his illicit behavior come to light soon enough. (Sheesh, can you imagine how utterly ruined Phil Mickelson would be today if that were the case?) But he came back from that megaton gut punch…no small feat given how NBC seemed hellbent on making him recount that travesty about thirty freaking times…and he became stronger, tougher, and quicker than ever. He vowed that he would get up that rope and reach the top of the mountain this time… **and he did.** In any league in the _world_ that is not a complete joke, that’s the kind of storybook ending that would be richly rewarded. But of course, it had to get snatched away (accompanied by Eyes’ “Congrats, you won the million…but it’s not in your hands just yet!”, which is the undoubtedly THE MOST DESPICABLE THING HE EVER SAID IN HIS LIFE) by Vance Walker. Before Geoff Britten was the most royally screwed contestant in the history of reality TV. Now he has company. NBC is going to hail Dag as a hero next season. There will be highlights and glowing lights and tons of hype. There will be the predictable cosmically tiresome bullcrap over whether he deserves the title of “American Ninja Warrior Champion”, and if not, exactly which pretentious word salad most befits him. There will be photo ops, PR spots, meetings with elated good buddies and training partners and swarms of cheering kids. There will be no money. Ever. There will be no making up for the lance he was cheated out of. Ever. And then there’s Jackpot. Lost in all the Acceptable Story-ing over his childhood cerebral palsy was the little detail about graduating from high school early so he could pursue ninja full-time. This is _his whole life_ now, and he just proved that’s what it takes to win the million. There are a few other contestants with that kind of dedication but not his immense physical gifts. So while one of the finest sports phenoms of his generation pulls in the salary of a second string running back or garbage time NBA player, all of his peers are going to be busting their humps, day in and day out, for a shot at fast food money (the Mega Wall). Which also means that Britten and Dag will soon be having company in that most miserable of hells. (Seriously, finishing second on a reality show is traumatic enough, but a **Total Victory** second?) And that is where I draw the line. Plastering ugly face cutouts all over the screen or miking up an incomprehensible shrieking girl is forgivable. Failing to compensate years of hard work isn’t. I’m not interested in excuses. “But, college!” What about it? They’re amateurs. They don’t do it full-time. Maybe the really great ones deserve compensation(I think NIL is a positive development because it allows just that), but no collegiate is _entitled_ to get paid to play football or lacrosse or tennis. It’s not a productive activity like working the cashier at the cafeteria or the library counter. “But nobody _forced_ them to try out for a reality show!” And nobody’s forcing NBC to use their labor. They _know_ damn well the level of training required to get on their show at all, and expecting to foot at least some of the bill isn’t too much to ask. “But you don’t want to give ten grand to everyone who no-results quallies…” That’s what a prize structure is supposed to fix. I hate this show. I’m done. All right, if season 4 of ANWJ ever comes out I could give it a shot, and I guess I’ll tune into this couples’ challenge thing, which seems innocuous enough, but I doubt I’ll have much to say about it. ---
**Author:** ![The\_wind\_of\_my\_soul](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecc23a/32.png) [@The\_wind\_of\_my\_soul](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_wind_of_my_soul)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2023, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/american-ninja-warrior/694839/917 "2023-09-14T15:12:47Z")
> [@MaxTheVool](#): > > I mean, in fairness, they were playing by the rules of the current season, so had different pressures on them. Certainly hard not to think that Daniel fell in the semifinal race because he was trying to go as fast as possible to get to the safety pass, etc. (Although I’ve lost track of who fell when.) > > Weren’t the wingnuts on stage 2? Oh I just meant that half of the people climbing the rope fell in Vegas. IIRC, RJ fell on stage 1, and Ethan, Daniel, and Vance all fell on stage 2. Yeah, the wingnuts were stage 2. I was basically just saying that you had to pass a tougher stage 2 to even make it to stage 3. ---
**Author:** ![That\_Don\_Guy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/that_don_guy/32/538_2.png) [@That\_Don\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/That_Don_Guy)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2023, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/american-ninja-warrior/694839/918 "2023-09-19T20:04:09Z")
> [@DKW](#): > > NBC is going to hail Dag as a hero next season. There will be highlights and glowing lights and tons of hype. There will be the predictable cosmically tiresome bullcrap over whether he deserves the title of “American Ninja Warrior Champion”, and if not, exactly which pretentious word salad most befits him. I am under the impression that: - “American Ninja Warrior Champion” refers to each season’s winner, whether it’s the Million Dollars or the “Last Ninja Standing.” I am pretty sure Vance Walker was called by this title at or near the end of the last episode. - “American Ninja Warrior,” on the other hand, is supposed to be anybody who finishes Finals Stage 4 successfully (i.e. within the 30 seconds), even if someone else that season did it faster. Geoff Britten referred to himself as “the first American Ninja Warrior” on the air, and it wasn’t edited out, so I assume that’s the policy. The problem with the latter is, much as they hate to admit it, there are five American Ninja Warriors - Britten, Caldiero, Gil, Walker, and Dreschel - so I am guessing they get around that problem by not using that title at all any more. > [@DKW](#): > > And that is where I draw the line. Plastering ugly face cutouts all over the screen or miking up an incomprehensible shrieking girl is forgivable. Failing to compensate years of hard work isn’t. I’m not interested in excuses. “But, college!” What about it? They’re amateurs. They don’t do it full-time. “But, The Olympics!” A significant number of those competitors _are_ professionals - especially in basketball. You want these athletes to be professionals? I suggest starting an American Ninja League of some sort, similar to track & field’s “Diamond League.” Tell pretty much anybody who has ever finished second on _America’s Got Talent_ about how fair the prize structure is. Okay, if you’re say, Jackie Evancho, it’s not that big of a problem, but whatever happened to the act that finished second to Terry Fator in Season 2? Side note…I am hearing stories that Jera Boyd’s Stage 3 run was “faked” in that he was told to make a second run and intentionally fall, after he actually made it all the way to the buzzer but had a foul on the final obstacle - I think what happened was, there was some unmentioned rule where, on each sign, you can’t grab the same pole with both hands, but he did and either nobody noticed or nobody who realized that it was against the rules noticed. ---
**Author:** ![EllisDee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ellisdee/32/4531_2.png) [@EllisDee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EllisDee)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2023, 8:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/american-ninja-warrior/694839/919 "2023-09-20T08:10:30Z")
Couples competition was fun, though the rules in stage 2 were a little confusing at first. The eventual winners crushed it; well deserved. ---
**Author:** ![The\_wind\_of\_my\_soul](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecc23a/32.png) [@The\_wind\_of\_my\_soul](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_wind_of_my_soul)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2023, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/american-ninja-warrior/694839/920 "2023-09-20T20:16:05Z")
> [@EllisDee](#): > > Couples competition was fun, though the rules in stage 2 were a little confusing at first. I’m still confused, tbh. I don’t get why Allyssa didn’t get to try the warped wall and Austin didn’t get to attempt Ghost Town. ---
**Author:** ![DKW](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dkw/32/3118_2.png) [@DKW](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DKW)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2023, 8:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/american-ninja-warrior/694839/921 "2023-09-21T08:06:56Z")
I watched the Couples Championship. 🤬🤮😩💀 I mentioned this a few times before, that if having a glurgy Acceptable Story is a requisite for being on the show, that’s going to seriously limit the contestant pool, and the quality is going to suffer as a result. Comparing the end of season 14 to this, I now believe that, in a weird way, this was exactly what NBC wanted. The level of athleticism had gotten so mind-blowingly high that even very recent superstars (Sean Bryan, Austin Gray, and Joe Moravsky being reduced to footnotes should be setting off klaxons) couldn’t keep up. Now the only way to see these second-tier contenders and grinders and scrappers (i.e. “veterans” who actually flipping _deserve_ the label) at all…not headlining, not hyped up, not leading the charge, AT ALL…was to create a specialty lower-tier event. But not just any lower tier, one which fit within the established themes of ANW. Love. Family. Support. Courage. Inspiration. Giving. Hence a couples event. A nice, harmless, workable idea in theory. (🤦‍♂️) Aside: It’s dumb enough that they had a Cupid here in the first place (His thing is _making_ couples; isn’t he totally out of place in an event where everyone’s already hooked up?), but couldn’t they have found someone a little more _attractive?_ That guy looks like he hangs out behind fast food dumpsters. The couples/teams: **Allyssa Beird & James McGrath** - I remember someone on this board saying that public proposals were crass and put way too much pressure on the woman. I agree. I wish anyone else in the world did. (McGrath did seem a lot mellower than usual, which was a plus.) **Sem Garay & Corinne Cahill** - Everyone in WWF Wrestlefest was still alive at the time I completely stopped following wrestling, so what Garay’s goofball antics add to this show has always been a mystery to me. Nevertheless, I still remember that a 3-count requires an opponent to be freaking _on top of_ the downed wrestler, _Bodge,_ YOU UNBELIEVABLE FIFTH RATE moving on. **Abby Clark & Joe Capo** - Roster filler. **Sandy & Charlie Zimmerman** - Omigod, did she _sniffle?_ 😲 Acceptable Story incoming! All right, what emotionally wrenching drama does she have in store for us? “When I started American Ninja Warrior seven years ago, I just had no idea the baggage and scars that I was still carrying around from my childhood.” Lessee…eating disorder? Abusive parents? Drug abuse? Religious clash? Screwed over on Christmas presents every year because it was close to her birthday? Bullying! I bet it’s bullying! “What people don’t tell you about getting healthy is that it also changes the dynamics of a lot of relationships. In our 24 years of marriage, the word ‘divorce’ hadn’t come up. But it came up.” Um…spelling bee embarrassment? “Eight months ago, we sat our kids around our dining room table and had a really hard conversation about mom and dad not being together.” Well…there’s…always takeout. “There’s points in your marriage where you have to choose to keep loving, you have to choose to keep working at it.” 🤨 Yeesh. Hey, supermom? Don’t mean to be insensitive, but if your story is so painful that you can’t tell us what it even is, maybe go with something more up your alley like education standards or budgeting for a family or the tasty dishes you made with all those apples. **Austin Gray & Jaelyn Bennett** - More on this in a bit. 🤬 **Barclay Stockett & Tee Jackson** - An out and proud lesbian couple being celebrated on national television. Aww, if they weren’t on a course that was two thirds armbreakers, thereby putting a 10-mile wide neon sign on women’s inferior upper body strength, completely humiliating Jackson, adding yet another Warped Wall failure to Bars’ collection, and reducing this inspiring couple to blink-and-you-missed-it status, that’d be wonderful! 😡 (Seriously, why does reality TV always try to give its beautiful, athletic women as little screen time as possible? I _still_ remember that Splash debacle.) **Heather Betts & Mark Antioana** - Why goofy animal costumes? Where did you get those goofy animal costumes? Does anyone get weirded out by your goofy animal costumes? Do those goofy animal costumes make it hard to do things? What kind of places don’t allow goofy animal costumes? Is anyone else interested in running around in goofy animal costumes? Hello? Actual substance? Anything? Please? **Kyle Soderman & Megan Johnson** - Yeah, they’re good. **Mykayla Skinner & Jones Harner** - One’s a gymnast! The other’s 6’ 7”! On a course that’s two-thirds upper body destroyers! Would’ve been better if it was the other way around! 🙄 **Jesse Labreck & Chris Digangi** - At this point I’m convinced they’re just trolling the world. Why else would two people who clearly love each other tease at tying the knot all the time but never actually do it? And then there’s Gray and Bennett. Or rather, “Gnarly Festering Boil on the Planet” Nate Hansen and the two meaningless nobodies he brought with him. I almost did a Pit thread on Hansen. That’s how disgusted I was. And per usual, I don’t give a flaming sack of cat turds whether it was “real” or “faked”. Allow me to spell it out: If you glorify being a worthless, irritating, aggravating, obnoxious, filth-encrusted douchebag, **YOU ARE ONE.** Not only did he manage to singlehandedly ruin the entire evening for me by making it **all** about himself and **bragging** about being a third wheel, for some truly demented reason NBC saw a need to put him on _again_ in Gray and Bennett’s second run. Holy **crap.** It’s bad enough that the Share Your Spare hero is going to have back-to-back second places twisted in his guts **for the rest of his goddam life,** now he has to put up with this little buzzing parasite every time he competes? And I for one am utterly sick, sick, _sick_ of the idea that you _have_ to put up with an eternally grating _jerk_ in the name of friendship. I mentioned this much in [my “Worst YouTube short” thread](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-absolute-worst-youtube-short-so-far/980121). All my life I’ve had preachy know-nothings insist that being treated like crap was the price of friendship. Teasing, mockery, bullying, belittlement, ostracizing, slander, even outright assault. About my weight, my hair, my face, my shirt, my shoes, my not willing to get several bones broken on a football field. I **still** have health problems to this day from this neverending psychological and physical abuse. So if dealing with endless aggravation from someone like Nick Hansen is “just how friens are” or “an enriching experience”, you can have it. He is the worst person ever to be on ANW. Worse than that freakshow Eric Middleton. Worse than those clowns Neil Craver and Grant McCartney. Worse than those enablers David Wright and Ethan Swanson. Worse than _anything_ Natalie Duran, Daniel Gil, Sean Bryan, Mike Wright, Sem Garay, Kacy Catanzaro, or David Rodriguez ever did. Worse than all the camera screamers, wall dancers, shirt flingers, and human rain delays. And yes, I’ll say it, until we get a guilty verdict and full details of the trial, worse than Drew Dreschel. I am done. 😡 NBC crossed a line. I no longer give ANY kind of crap. About the regular contest, about the Skills Challenge, about USA vs. The World (is this ever happening again?), about whatever’s getting the Ninja vs. Ninja label now, about the Women’s Championship, about Red Nose Day, about the new kids or new obstacles or milestones or barriers broken or how college fits into it. ANWJ3 and 4 maybe, possibly someday, but other than that, that’s _it._ That Don Guy - Yes! You read my mind! That’s exactly what this show needs! A big-league contest (with a sensible prize structure) and an “amateur” competition for the feel-good cases and gutsy hopefuls! Maybe something for the women! Variety! Good! And America’s Got Talent is hot garbage and has been for some time. [I’ve made](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/americas-got-talent-21-sort-of-wrapup/950948) this [abundantly clear](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/reality-tv-season-finale-thread/961001/13). [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/american-ninja-warrior/694839.md?page=45) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/american-ninja-warrior/694839.md?page=47)