# American Pie.. or how to fry your private parts

**URL:** <https://boards.straightdope.com/t/american-pie-or-how-to-fry-your-private-parts/37684>\
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\
**Created:** [October 20, 2000, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/american-pie-or-how-to-fry-your-private-parts/37684 "2000-10-20T18:07:43Z")\
**Posts on this page:** 20\
**Page:** 1

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**Author:** ![BornDodgy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e19b73/32.png) [@BornDodgy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BornDodgy)\
**Post date:** [October 20, 2000, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/american-pie-or-how-to-fry-your-private-parts/37684/1 "2000-10-20T18:07:43Z")

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Everybody who signed up with Joke A Day will already know this, anyway it is so hillarious I thought I had to post it:

…  
Actual news clipping: A teenager who tried to copy a scene  
from the hit file ‘American Pie’ by shagging an apple pie was  
rushed to the hospital with serious burns to his penis.

Dwight Emburger, 17, couldn’t wait for the tasty pastry to cool  
down and after he slid in his pecker he was badly scalded by  
the hot filling.

A hospital spokesman in Boise, Idaho, said: “This  
demonstrates that producers should consider the effect their  
films have on young and impressionable people.”

I think the hospital spokesman should have been more worried  
about horny young idiots, than about impressionable young  
people.  
…

Well… I dont have to add anything to this… I think…

🙂

b dodgy

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**Author:** ![Mr.Cynical](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ee59a6/32.png) [@Mr.Cynical](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Cynical)\
**Post date:** [October 20, 2000, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/american-pie-or-how-to-fry-your-private-parts/37684/2 "2000-10-20T18:26:13Z")

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I think I am uniquely qualified to testify that there is nothing amusing at all about having a burned penis.

That is all. 🙂

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**Author:** ![Earthworm\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f07891/32.png) [@Earthworm\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Earthworm_Jim)\
**Post date:** [October 20, 2000, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/american-pie-or-how-to-fry-your-private-parts/37684/3 "2000-10-20T18:33:25Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Mr. Cynical \*  
> \*\*I think I am uniquely qualified to testify that there is nothing amusing at all about having a burned penis.
> 
> That is all. 🙂 \*\*

That may be true. There is, however, something hilarious about **some one else** having a burned penis.

BTW, unless you were the guy in the story, you’re not **uniquely** qualified… 😉

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**Author:** ![Mr.Cynical](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ee59a6/32.png) [@Mr.Cynical](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Cynical)\
**Post date:** [October 20, 2000, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/american-pie-or-how-to-fry-your-private-parts/37684/4 "2000-10-20T18:36:49Z")

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Uniquely qualified amongst us, that is 😃

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**Author:** ![Soupy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a5b964/32.png) [@Soupy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Soupy)\
**Post date:** [October 20, 2000, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/american-pie-or-how-to-fry-your-private-parts/37684/5 "2000-10-20T18:43:12Z")

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Does this remind anyone else of the joke ending “please don’t ask how he makes donuts”?

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**Author:** ![xizor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/xizor/32/102_2.png) [@xizor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xizor)\
**Post date:** [October 20, 2000, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/american-pie-or-how-to-fry-your-private-parts/37684/6 "2000-10-20T18:43:15Z")

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I wonder if he would have been spared some pain if he had used a condom? 😃

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**Author:** ![The\_Mermaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@The\_Mermaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Mermaid)\
**Post date:** [October 20, 2000, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/american-pie-or-how-to-fry-your-private-parts/37684/7 "2000-10-20T18:51:41Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Soupy \*  
> \*\*Does this remind anyone else of the joke ending “please don’t ask how he makes donuts”? \*\*

Forget that, I’d be more interested to know HOW MANY donuts he can carry at one time, not using his hands of course.:rolleyes:

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**Author:** ![stofsky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dfb087/32.png) [@stofsky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stofsky)\
**Post date:** [October 20, 2000, 8:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/american-pie-or-how-to-fry-your-private-parts/37684/8 "2000-10-20T20:09:18Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Mr. Cynical \*  
> \*\*Uniquely qualified amongst us, that is 😃 \*\*

Ummm…so we won’t bring up the hot-curling-iron-on-the-sink, “what is this on my forehead, I need to lean over to the mirror” incident?

Let’s just say that, although it wasn’t curled, it didn’t get straight for a week or so either.

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**Author:** ![oldscratch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ed655f/32.png) [@oldscratch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/oldscratch)\
**Post date:** [October 20, 2000, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/american-pie-or-how-to-fry-your-private-parts/37684/9 "2000-10-20T20:19:21Z")

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Coming this fall, Dennis Leary is a pervert waiter with hilarious results in… **Boston Cream**

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**Author:** ![Jack\_Batty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jack_batty/32/3201_2.png) [@Jack\_Batty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jack_Batty)\
**Post date:** [October 20, 2000, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/american-pie-or-how-to-fry-your-private-parts/37684/10 "2000-10-20T20:57:36Z")

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Besides all this nonsense, _American Pie_ got it all wrong anyway. Warm apple pie feels nothing like having sex.  
It’s **blueberry** pie, damnit, **blueberry**.

Or so I’ve heard.

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**Author:** ![Odieman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/a87d85/32.png) [@Odieman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Odieman)\
**Post date:** [October 20, 2000, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/american-pie-or-how-to-fry-your-private-parts/37684/11 "2000-10-20T21:02:21Z")

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I really don’t want to know how you know that…

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**Author:** ![oldscratch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ed655f/32.png) [@oldscratch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/oldscratch)\
**Post date:** [October 20, 2000, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/american-pie-or-how-to-fry-your-private-parts/37684/12 "2000-10-20T21:03:41Z")

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I would just like to add.

Nobody does it like Sara Lee.

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**Author:** ![mouthbreather](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a698b9/32.png) [@mouthbreather](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mouthbreather)\
**Post date:** [October 20, 2000, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/american-pie-or-how-to-fry-your-private-parts/37684/13 "2000-10-20T21:07:05Z")

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Actually, I like to wait until the middle of November and find some Jack-O-Lanterns (uhuhuh…I said “jack”) that have been sitting in the sun. The combination of warm, spoiled pumkin innards and the swarm of fruit flys sents me into a tizzy. Forget apple pie, forget blueberry pie, overripe rotting pumpkins are where it’s AT.

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**Author:** ![mouthbreather](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a698b9/32.png) [@mouthbreather](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mouthbreather)\
**Post date:** [October 20, 2000, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/american-pie-or-how-to-fry-your-private-parts/37684/14 "2000-10-20T21:10:09Z")

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see, even just thinking about made me forget how to spell “flies”

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**Author:** ![oldscratch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ed655f/32.png) [@oldscratch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/oldscratch)\
**Post date:** [October 20, 2000, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/american-pie-or-how-to-fry-your-private-parts/37684/15 "2000-10-20T21:14:13Z")

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personally it just gave me the picture of you thrusting so hard that you made swarms of fruit fly out.

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**Author:** ![Lowellster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/2bfe46/32.png) [@Lowellster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lowellster)\
**Post date:** [October 20, 2000, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/american-pie-or-how-to-fry-your-private-parts/37684/16 "2000-10-20T21:21:17Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Mr. Cynical \*  
> \*\*I think I am uniquely qualified to testify that there is nothing amusing at all about having a burned penis.  
> \*\*

Not quite so uniquely qualified as I wish you were, no offense. I’ll just say “washing big pots” and “200 degree sanitation sink”, and you can fill in the blanks. The really bad part though, is that dignity prevented a workman’s comp claim.

Note to the ladies: This all took place long ago. I’m feeling _much_ better now. And I have a real job.

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**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\
**Post date:** [October 20, 2000, 9:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/american-pie-or-how-to-fry-your-private-parts/37684/17 "2000-10-20T21:44:33Z")

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Right now, everyone who listens to Imus in the morning is thinking about his parodies of Wilford Bremley’s oatmeal commercials. Particularly the Thanksgiving one when he tells you a unique way to stuff the turkey with oatmeal.

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**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\
**Post date:** [October 20, 2000, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/american-pie-or-how-to-fry-your-private-parts/37684/18 "2000-10-20T22:04:07Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by xizor \*  
> \*\*I wonder if he would have been spared some pain if he had used a condom? 😃 \*\*

Probably would have been more painful . . . think about a condom melting.

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**Author:** ![Balance](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ccd318/32.png) [@Balance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balance)\
**Post date:** [October 20, 2000, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/american-pie-or-how-to-fry-your-private-parts/37684/19 "2000-10-20T22:49:28Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Mr. Cynical \*  
> Uniquely qualified amongst us, that is 😃

Heh. I _dare_ you to ask ChiefScott his opinion on nude bacon-frying. 😃

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**Author:** ![TVeblen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4bbf92/32.png) [@TVeblen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TVeblen)\
**Post date:** [October 21, 2000, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/american-pie-or-how-to-fry-your-private-parts/37684/20 "2000-10-21T00:31:28Z")

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You are just _soooo_ evil, **BornD** –and it’s what we particularly admire about you!

Sad to say, human compassion got swamped in hysterical laughter reading the news bit. But c’mon, a guy gets his privates a-twitter and _crams it into a hot apple pie?!_

–\>roars, snickers, snorts, hoots, honks, rolls on floor in rib-clutching, tears-down-the-face lethal laughter\<–

Of course the deeply sympathetic folk here treated this tragedy with their customary reverence.

{Veb succumbs to hysteria, remembering: Sara Lee; “nuthin’ says lovin’ like somethin’ from the oven”…)

It’s Darwinism for the “aughts”: collectively do we _encourage_ reproduction by someone who stuffs their genitals into oven-hot baked goods?

Still snickering,  
Veb

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