# Amusing If...Then Constructions
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/amusing-if-then-constructions/393257
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
**Created:** [February 22, 2007, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/amusing-if-then-constructions/393257 "2007-02-22T18:46:22Z")
**Posts on this page:** 18
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@Zeldar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeldar)
#### Post date: [February 22, 2007, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/amusing-if-then-constructions/393257/1 "2007-02-22T18:46:22Z")
If we had some eggs we could have some ham and eggs, if we had some ham.
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### Author:  [@leo\_rider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/leo_rider)
#### Post date: [February 22, 2007, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/amusing-if-then-constructions/393257/2 "2007-02-22T18:48:07Z")
If that were a Henny Youngman joke, that would be a joke, but Henny Youngman is dead.
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### Author:  [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)
#### Post date: [February 22, 2007, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/amusing-if-then-constructions/393257/3 "2007-02-22T20:13:15Z")
If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college.
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### Author:  [@Spatial\_Rift\_47](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spatial_Rift_47)
#### Post date: [February 22, 2007, 10:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/amusing-if-then-constructions/393257/4 "2007-02-22T22:08:19Z")
If there is an ‘if’, then there is a ‘then.’ But if there is no ‘if,’ then there is no ‘then.’ So there is a ‘then’ if and only if there is an ‘if.’
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### Author:  [@MannyL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MannyL)
#### Post date: [February 22, 2007, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/amusing-if-then-constructions/393257/5 "2007-02-22T23:24:39Z")
else
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### Author:  [@JSexton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JSexton)
#### Post date: [February 22, 2007, 11:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/amusing-if-then-constructions/393257/6 "2007-02-22T23:47:45Z")
If we had some Brualkki, we coudl have Brualkki and mendaloo, if we had some mendaloo.
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### Author:  [@Zeldar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeldar)
#### Post date: [February 22, 2007, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/amusing-if-then-constructions/393257/7 "2007-02-22T23:50:59Z")
Please provide the _IF_ that led to
_Then Came Bronson_
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### Author:  [@MsRobyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsRobyn)
#### Post date: [February 23, 2007, 12:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/amusing-if-then-constructions/393257/8 "2007-02-23T00:24:33Z")
If my grandmother had balls, then she’d be my grandfather.
Robin
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### Author:  [@Eureka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eureka)
#### Post date: [February 23, 2007, 1:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/amusing-if-then-constructions/393257/9 "2007-02-23T01:02:01Z")
If you want ice cream, you can come visit us.
Spoken by my niece–age 4, to me. Trust me, dearly as I love my niece, and the rest of her family, I can obtain ice cream much more conveniently without paying them a visit.
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### Author:  [@pinkfreud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pinkfreud)
#### Post date: [February 23, 2007, 1:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/amusing-if-then-constructions/393257/10 "2007-02-23T01:13:28Z")
If wishes were horses, then wishing wells wouldn’t be fit to drink out of.
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### Author:  [@Rhubarb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhubarb)
#### Post date: [February 23, 2007, 2:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/amusing-if-then-constructions/393257/11 "2007-02-23T02:09:43Z")
For the B. Kliban fans out there …
If I had two dead rats, I’d give you one.
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### Author:  [@Civil\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Civil_Guy)
#### Post date: [February 23, 2007, 3:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/amusing-if-then-constructions/393257/12 "2007-02-23T03:38:59Z")
If wishes were horses, our problems would be offal.
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### Author:  [@hawksgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hawksgirl)
#### Post date: [February 23, 2007, 3:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/amusing-if-then-constructions/393257/13 "2007-02-23T03:41:32Z")
“If wishes and buts were clusters and nuts [then] we’d all have a bowl of granola!” – Geoffrey Jellineck
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### Author:  [@Rhubarb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhubarb)
#### Post date: [February 25, 2007, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/amusing-if-then-constructions/393257/14 "2007-02-25T03:14:23Z")
If I were a carpenter and you were a lady, then I’d nail ya!
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### Author:  [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)
#### Post date: [February 25, 2007, 4:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/amusing-if-then-constructions/393257/15 "2007-02-25T04:23:41Z")
If it hadn’t 'a been for Grayson, I’d 'a been in Tennessee.
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### Author:  [@Randy\_Seltzer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Randy_Seltzer)
#### Post date: [February 25, 2007, 4:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/amusing-if-then-constructions/393257/16 "2007-02-25T04:38:21Z")
If she buys kippers, then it will not rain.
(Also trout live in trees, and I do not love her any more.)
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### Author:  [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)
#### Post date: [February 25, 2007, 4:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/amusing-if-then-constructions/393257/17 "2007-02-25T04:44:56Z")
If Grandpa hadn’t gone to live with Great-Uncle Walt in Saskatchewan, I would be Australian!
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### Author:  [@Litoris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Litoris)
#### Post date: [February 25, 2007, 4:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/amusing-if-then-constructions/393257/18 "2007-02-25T04:57:55Z")
My fave has always been _If frogs had glass asses, then they might not jump so hard_.