# An announcement and a question **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 12, 2000, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-announcement-and-a-question/40915 "2000-11-12T22:10:13Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![timmar68](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/97f17d/32.png) [@timmar68](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/timmar68)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2000, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-announcement-and-a-question/40915/1 "2000-11-12T22:10:13Z")
Announcement: I’m engaged! Woohoo! Question: Ok, when I have told people about the engagement, virtually all of them asked me when we are moving in together. I tell them, “When we get married” (no date set yet). They look at me like I’m a freak. I don’t believe in living with someone before you get married. It’s not religious or anything, but my preference. What’s so special about your wedding day if you’ve been living together like you are, anyway? I’ve heard both the positives and negatives about my choice and have decided to go with not living together. To be fair, no one has argued with me or shoved their thoughts down my throats. We all respect each others views. Everyone married person I know lived with their spouses beforehand and that’s fine- none of my business. I’d just like to know if I am an exception nowadays. The only people I know who agree with me are older people who grew up in the time when it wasn’t done. I’m not a fuddy-duddy…I don’t care if others live with someone before they marry them. I just don’t want to. I know that it’s a good way to get to know your spouse’s habits and stuff but we both know that marriage takes work and compromise so that is not an issue with us. Does anyone else in my age group (early 30s) share my views? I’d like to know that I’m not alone here. ---
**Author:** ![Persephone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecc23a/32.png) [@Persephone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Persephone)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2000, 10:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-announcement-and-a-question/40915/2 "2000-11-12T22:15:55Z")
Congratulations! 😃 I personally don’t think there’s anything wrong with your decision. I myself lived with my husband before we got married, but that was because we wanted to. It’s entirely up to you. When will you be getting married, by the way? ---
**Author:** ![Ringo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/779978/32.png) [@Ringo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ringo)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2000, 10:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-announcement-and-a-question/40915/3 "2000-11-12T22:34:49Z")
Congrats, MaryAnn! I’ve long been of the view that I’m not going to live with a woman with whom I have a personal relationship (I’ve had female roommates). That view was the result of a bizarre relationship from a couple of decades ago. It led to a later girlfriend, without my prior knowledge, renting the other half of the duplex in which I live. We managed that relationship for manny years, but I truly think that arrangement contributed greatly to the ultimate disintegration of coupling. ---
**Author:** ![timmar68](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/97f17d/32.png) [@timmar68](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/timmar68)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2000, 10:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-announcement-and-a-question/40915/4 "2000-11-12T22:35:20Z")
Thank you! 🙂 We are thinking of waiting at least a year, maybe 2. We both have some debts we’d like to settle first plus we want a lot of time to plan everything. As of now, we’ll go to Vegas and have a ceremony/honeymoon there, then about a month or so later another ceremony and party at home so that friends and relatives can be there. I’m so happy! ---
**Author:** ![Wicked\_Blue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/2acd7d/32.png) [@Wicked\_Blue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wicked_Blue)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2000, 11:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-announcement-and-a-question/40915/5 "2000-11-12T23:17:38Z")
I didn’t live with my husband before we got married. My family thought it was horrible enough when I moved out to live with my best friend, I can only imagine what they would have thought about me living with a man. My family wasn’t the only reason we didn’t live together, I also didn’t think it would be right for me. We talked about it, and it would have made our lives easier, but decided not to in the end. Have fun planning your wedding! Rose ---
**Author:** ![Nymysys](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/f6c823/32.png) [@Nymysys](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nymysys)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2000, 11:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-announcement-and-a-question/40915/6 "2000-11-12T23:18:04Z")
Congratulations, MaryAnn! As someone in my late 20’s, I am a big backer of living together first. NOT living together first seems much more romantic, though. I’m just not much of a romantic. 😃 I wish you many happy years together. ---
**Author:** ![Saint\_Zero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c4cdca/32.png) [@Saint\_Zero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saint_Zero)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2000, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-announcement-and-a-question/40915/7 "2000-11-12T23:49:05Z")
I didn’t live with my wife prior to converting her status from Single to Married. It’s not common in my part of the woods, so don’t feel bad. Living together is done, and marrages have come of it, but the success/failure rate doesn’t look good. So don’t feel bad. Buck the system and all that. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2000, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-announcement-and-a-question/40915/8 "2000-11-12T23:55:46Z")
Yaaaay:) From both myself and phantomdiver (though she doesn’t know it yet). As for living together, she and my father (whom none of y’all will ever meet . . . cecilian heretic that he is) lived together (as well as in the biblical sense, if there is any) for a bit before they were married. But they were engaged, so it’s okay. She told me this with extreme trepidation . . . I truly don’t care. It’s none of my business:) ---
**Author:** ![lurkernomore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d6d6ee/32.png) [@lurkernomore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lurkernomore)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2000, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-announcement-and-a-question/40915/9 "2000-11-12T23:58:07Z")
Congrats MaryAnn, and best of luck. I’m not married, but my sister did not move in before she got married, and my brother only technically did, not wanting to leave the new place vacant - half the time no one was there, anyway (1 month before wedding planned over a year in advance, neither had lived there before.) ---
**Author:** ![GuanoLad](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guanolad/32/42_2.png) [@GuanoLad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GuanoLad)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2000, 12:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-announcement-and-a-question/40915/10 "2000-11-13T00:05:16Z")
Why on earth do people want to get married in Vegas? Isn’t that a cliche? Isn’t it meant as a joke? Are their laws in Nevada that people prefer? What’s the deal? Huh? Hmm? Huh? ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2000, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-announcement-and-a-question/40915/11 "2000-11-13T00:18:32Z")
I think people want to get married in Vegas because stuff that’s legal there is illegal elsewhere . . . the whole rush of “sinful” things you can do there, etc. Any my mom wanted me to repost saying that while I saw nothing wrong with living together, she did. SHe’s not proud of it. To which I say “whatever:)” but she wanted to make sure. And no, she’s not fundamentalist;) ---
**Author:** ![Scarlett67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scarlett67/32/7387_2.png) [@Scarlett67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scarlett67)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2000, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-announcement-and-a-question/40915/12 "2000-11-13T00:48:53Z")
Congratulations, MaryAnnQ! Mr. Scarlett and I got engaged about a year after we met. We just really clicked! And we agreed to get married with the understanding that we would live together beforehand, for practical reasons: Mr. Scarlett needed a place that was closer to work, and also a place where his sister and niece didn’t also live (long story); I was still in college and would lose my financial aid if we got married right then. Compatibility was not an issue because by then we both kne that neither of us was the type to get married frivolously – we were both in it for the long haul. (That’s ten years this summer and still going strong, thank you very much.) The weird thing was that when I called my ultra-conservative mother to tell her, the first thing she said was, “Well I hope you’re planning on living together first!” \<\\> In retrospect, I think she said that because she wished she had done so before she married my dad. That would have been a good idea, too – at least from her point of view; I doubt I’d be here if she had . . . I say do what feels best for you, and don’t let anyone else try to tell you what’s right. In this case, it’s your choice. ---
**Author:** ![rocking\_chair](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rocking_chair/32/2918_2.png) [@rocking\_chair](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rocking_chair)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2000, 1:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-announcement-and-a-question/40915/13 "2000-11-13T01:05:24Z")
best wishes. not living together first is not weird or unusual, it just gives you more to talk about that first year. ---
**Author:** ![Shadowfox](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c89c15/32.png) [@Shadowfox](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shadowfox)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2000, 3:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-announcement-and-a-question/40915/14 "2000-11-13T03:42:45Z")
Congratulations on your engagement! On the subject of the OP, if I could do it over again, I would have lived with my first husband before marrying him. If I had known what it would be like living with that man beforehand, I would have never married him in the first place. I lived with my second husband for five years before marrying him because I wanted to make damn sure we would be one hundred compatible first before taking that plunge. When we finally did get married, it was merely a matter of formalizing what we already considered to be marriage. He had been calling me “the wife” to his friends and family for years before we made it legal. However, like I always say to anybody asking for advice when it comes to that silly little game called life, “it is your life, you are the one who has to live it, so do what you want to do and I hope it makes you happy”. BTW, any ideas on where you two might be honeymooning? ---
**Author:** ![dpr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/8797f3/32.png) [@dpr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dpr)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2000, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-announcement-and-a-question/40915/15 "2000-11-13T03:50:01Z")
Congrats MaryAnn!! Great news! There’s nothing wrong with not moving in together until after the wedding at all!! Be happy together on your terms. DOn’t worry abotu what other people think. ---
**Author:** ![Spider\_Woman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cdc98d/32.png) [@Spider\_Woman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spider_Woman)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2000, 3:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-announcement-and-a-question/40915/16 "2000-11-13T03:58:00Z")
////MaryAnnQ\\ Everyone’s situation is different. It sounds like you put a lot of thought into your decision not to live together before marriage, and that it is the right decision for the two of you. Good luck and best wishes. -----🙂 —////\\ ---
**Author:** ![yosemite](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/3ab097/32.png) [@yosemite](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yosemite)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2000, 5:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-announcement-and-a-question/40915/17 "2000-11-13T05:07:28Z")
It’s your decision, and it sounds fine to me! ---
**Author:** ![Medea\_s\_Child](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8baadc/32.png) [@Medea\_s\_Child](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Medea_s_Child)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2000, 5:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-announcement-and-a-question/40915/18 "2000-11-13T05:44:17Z")
Your life. Your rules. Nothing wrong with it. (Knowing me, I’d cop an attitude. “No! We _aren’t_ moving in before we’re _married_, thank you very much!” and then laugh hysterically at the looks on people’s faces.) Relax, be happy, be delighted with your relationship. You’re happy and if they care beyond that, they suck. ---
**Author:** ![BunnyGirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@BunnyGirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BunnyGirl)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2000, 1:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-announcement-and-a-question/40915/19 "2000-11-13T13:55:06Z")
MaryAnn, congrats!!! My hubby and I did not live together either. We have a fabulous marriage and I wouldn’t change a thing. We dated for a month, got engaged and got married the following September (approx. 8 months or so). Despite what people tell you, I do not believe the first year is the hardest! If you communicate well with your fiance and both understand what each of you expect from the marriage and the division of the work to be done (be very specific - don’t make assumptions because “that’s what my dad always did”), you’ll do fine. Good luck and I hope you have a wonderful wedding. If I can give one more piece of advice, plan the wedding for _yourselves_. The wedding will be for you two. Not for your mom, not for your sister, etc. Pick the flowers _you_ want, the songs _you_ want…you get the idea. ---
**Author:** ![timmar68](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/97f17d/32.png) [@timmar68](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/timmar68)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2000, 1:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-announcement-and-a-question/40915/20 "2000-11-15T01:05:20Z")
Oh, yeah, it’s gonna be OUR way, not anybody else’s! You’d better believe it! GuanoLad-I want to get married in Vegas because…because…I just want to! I’ve never been there and I think it’ll be fun! 🙂 [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-announcement-and-a-question/40915.md?page=2)