# An Elf Speaks Out on North Pole Inspections **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 5, 2002, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-elf-speaks-out-on-north-pole-inspections/140701 "2002-12-05T15:40:07Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2002, 10:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-elf-speaks-out-on-north-pole-inspections/140701/81 "2002-12-06T22:44:20Z")
Is it just me or are all you guys just trying to get tickets to the elf christmas party this year? It’s alcohol free you know…and to compete with the male elves you’ll have to be able to get it up more than twice in one night. ---
**Author:** ![Rico](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rico/32/3582_2.png) [@Rico](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rico)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2002, 11:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-elf-speaks-out-on-north-pole-inspections/140701/82 "2002-12-06T23:05:55Z")
**Ms. Jar! Ms. Jar!** Over here, please. Rico Babalu from _PlayElf Magazine_. Isn’t it true that Santa has…wait a minute, hold on, I’ve seen you somewhere before! THAT’S IT! You’re Miss December 2001! I _knew_ I’d seen you in our illustrious pages! Wait a minute don’t tell me! Your turn ons were candy canes, red noses, and toymakers, your turn-offs were bellies that shake when the owner laughs like a - and I quote here - “bowl full of jelly”, isn’t that right? In my humble opinion, you have the nicest snowmounds under that red jacket of any elf who’s ever been in _Playelf_. Wow! We’re in the midst of **CELEBRITY** , I tell ya! Can I have your autograph? ---
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2002, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-elf-speaks-out-on-north-pole-inspections/140701/83 "2002-12-07T00:18:28Z")
I’m… Well… I’m flattered? But that was a long time ago…I…i was different then ---
**Author:** ![Kat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b19c9b/32.png) [@Kat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kat)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2002, 3:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-elf-speaks-out-on-north-pole-inspections/140701/84 "2002-12-07T03:55:01Z")
Ms. Jar? F. E Line, _Cat Goddess Monthly_. You mentioned you’re in Kitten Placement? We’d just like to reassure our Reader that the kittens are all being placed correctly. ---
**Author:** ![cadolphin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c37758/32.png) [@cadolphin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cadolphin)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2002, 7:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-elf-speaks-out-on-north-pole-inspections/140701/85 "2002-12-07T07:34:45Z")
Ms. Jar? Ms. Jar? F. Flipper from Dolphin Monthly. I have just now received information stating the 2% decrease in cavities in the children worldwide last year was directly connected to, ahem, cough… excuse me, it’s just so hard for me to say this! Directly connected to **nutrasweet** in the candy!!! What do you have to say about that? Come on Sugar…what’s the scoop??? ---
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2002, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-elf-speaks-out-on-north-pole-inspections/140701/86 "2002-12-07T17:51:43Z")
Kittens are all placed on a very selective basis via a five person committee of which I am the chair. In the rare instance that a kitten is rejected or unable to live in the domicile, I, or another committeelf will take in said pet. As of right now I have three kittens and a chihuahua named Thor. Considering I’ve worked in Kitten and/or Puppy placement for 89 years…I think that’s a good track record. Nutrasweet HAS subsidized part of the North Pole candy operations, but I hardly think that’s cause for alarm…as everyone wants less cavities, no? ---
**Author:** ![Jonathan\_Chance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jonathan_chance/32/701_2.png) [@Jonathan\_Chance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jonathan_Chance)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2002, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-elf-speaks-out-on-north-pole-inspections/140701/87 "2002-12-07T19:16:18Z")
The dentists don’t. Now, about that photo shoot. Ernie over there has set up some displays. How about some glamour shots? ---
**Author:** ![CasperQ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f0a364/32.png) [@CasperQ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CasperQ)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2002, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-elf-speaks-out-on-north-pole-inspections/140701/88 "2002-12-07T20:31:46Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jarbabyj \* > \*\*Is it just me or are all you guys just trying to get tickets to the elf christmas party this year? > > It’s alcohol free you know…and to compete with the male elves you’ll have to be able to get it up more than twice in one night. \*\* Ms. Jar!! I’m up for meeting the male elves… slip a few tickets this lady’s way and I _promise_ to be very good for the rest of the year! ::Hums Monroe’s ‘Santa Baby’:: ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2002, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-elf-speaks-out-on-north-pole-inspections/140701/89 "2002-12-09T18:20:30Z")
Ok, Ms Jar, a truce it is. In the spirit of reconciliation, I’ve done you a bit of detective work. My friend Jingles works in the Hall of Records, and was able to dig up some of the old Naughty lists… \ as you see, some of the press here are on that list. Perhaps you’d like to question them about it? ---
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2002, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-elf-speaks-out-on-north-pole-inspections/140701/90 "2002-12-09T18:37:12Z")
Well if it isn’t Mr Tripler, I see here that in third grade you put a handful of worms in Winnie Farnsmutter’s hair. And consequently received socks for Christmas. Could this be the root of your anger? COULD IT? And Mr. Chance. Hide behind your Jewish nature all you’d like…but I see here that you tied a pair of zips to a small cat in fifth grade. Animal torture often leads to human torture…so you were permanently placed on the naughty list. Could that be why you want so badly to expose us? ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2002, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-elf-speaks-out-on-north-pole-inspections/140701/91 "2002-12-09T19:06:11Z")
MS **JARBABYJ**? MS **JARBABYJ**? MS **JARBABYJ**? **Bosda Di’Chi** here from _Left Handed Cross-Dressing Uzbekistanis Guide To HO Scale Model Railroad Builder’s Magazine_. I have well documented evidence supporting the contention that, in 1954, Santa delivered a gift to a good litte boy named Ocho, who lived on Odo Island, seven hundred miles SSE of Japan. The present the child requested was: > [@](#): > > A really & truly gosh-darn Radioactive Dinosaur egg! Your own records, as uncovered by the UN, indicate that this request was honored. Your own internal Environmental section reports concluded that: > [@](#): > > Radioactive Dinosaur eggs should not be given as pets to small children, insofar as they may be abandoned in the wild, and grow up to be dangerous Giant Radioactive Dinosaurs. > > And, if flushed down a sewer, then they’d really be pissed. Later, your Naughty/Nice files report that the boy flushed the newborn Radioactive Dinosaur down the toilet, when it got too difficult to care for. Two years later, Reporter Steve Martin would remark: > [@](#): > > This is Tokyo. A city of smoldering Radioactive ruins. The terror is gone now, but we must all live with the fact that the terror that caused this could return at any time. What responsibility will Santa be accepting… in the Godzilla matter? 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![cadolphin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c37758/32.png) [@cadolphin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cadolphin)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2002, 10:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-elf-speaks-out-on-north-pole-inspections/140701/92 "2002-12-09T22:16:21Z")
Ms. Jar, Follow up question. I see you conviently avoided my implied question. I will spell it out for you! How is The Big Boy going to handle the situation of **false advertising** he has incurred by distributing sugar-free candy??? What does Mrs. Claus think about the situation, knowing how much she enjoys making the candy? I have it on good authority she spends the off-season researching good candy receipes. I have personally seen her sampling the Godiva chocolate. In fact, she seemed to be trying to figure out the secret receipe!!! ---
**Author:** ![Kat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b19c9b/32.png) [@Kat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kat)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2002, 10:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-elf-speaks-out-on-north-pole-inspections/140701/93 "2002-12-09T22:40:58Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jarbabyj \* > And Mr. Chance. Hide behind your Jewish nature all you’d like…but I see here that you tied a pair of zips to a small cat in fifth grade. Animal torture often leads to human torture…so you were permanently placed on the naughty list. Could that be why you want so badly to expose us? _rumble of thunder overhead_ Ms. Jar! F. E. Line, _Cat Goddess Monthly_. Our Reader would like to know if She can smite Mr. Chance? ---
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2002, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-elf-speaks-out-on-north-pole-inspections/140701/94 "2002-12-09T23:28:43Z")
Mrs. Claus, being on the Atkins diet, has long been making sugar free candy…so your ‘scoop’ will be of no surprise to her. Low calorie, healthy candy is something all of us can appreciate. Kat, we are unfortunately not in the business of smiting…I leave that to the Baby Jesus, who we DO see an awful lot of around the holidays. Bosda…as you can see, we handled the Godzilla situation the best way we knew how. We are not Miss Cleo, nor can we predict how every toy will turn out. We’re elves, not brownies for God’s sake. ---
**Author:** ![Jonathan\_Chance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jonathan_chance/32/701_2.png) [@Jonathan\_Chance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jonathan_Chance)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2002, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-elf-speaks-out-on-north-pole-inspections/140701/95 "2002-12-09T23:28:49Z")
Dammit. You guys are gonna lose me my invite! I got tix to the Masters this year! Shut up f’god’s sake! Remember, I’ve got **two** tickets… And that was in biology class, anyway. Talk to Mr. Mariansky. ---
**Author:** ![Kallessa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7993a0/32.png) [@Kallessa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kallessa)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2002, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-elf-speaks-out-on-north-pole-inspections/140701/96 "2002-12-10T01:48:08Z")
Ms. Jar– I must go back to the reindeer question. Evidence presented indicates that **all** of Santa’s reindeer are biologically female. Why then have they been portrayed as males? Does Santa have a bias against female reindeer, or is it antler-less males that he has a problem with? Or would you have us believe that each of these reindeer, by their own choice, have decided to let the world believe that they were male–all of them denying their true gender? Perhaps they are male, but transsexuals, or at least cross-dressers. What is being hidden here and why? Inquiring minds want to know! ---
**Author:** ![Fredge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/258eb7/32.png) [@Fredge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fredge)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2002, 4:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-elf-speaks-out-on-north-pole-inspections/140701/97 "2002-12-10T04:06:28Z")
Ms. Jar; Fredge - U.S. Wildlife Service. It appears the U.S. deer population is suffering from [Chronic Wasting Disease](http://www.dnr.state.wi.us/org/land/wildlife/whealth/issues/CWD/) and in an effort to halt the spread of said disease we will not be able to allow Santa’s deer to fly willy-nilly through our country. Either you’re gonna have to make do with the sheep or come up with some other plan. Now of course if there’s an [Evel Knievel stunt cycle](http://www.yesterdayland.com/popopedia/shows/toys/ty1122.php) and a [1974 Bally Knockout pinball table](http://www.zpinaddict.com/pballhtm/knokout.htm) in Santa’s bag for me I may be able to overlook the regulations. ---
**Author:** ![CasperQ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f0a364/32.png) [@CasperQ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CasperQ)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2002, 8:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-elf-speaks-out-on-north-pole-inspections/140701/98 "2002-12-10T08:18:44Z")
::taps **Jonathan’s** shoulder and whispers:: May I pretty please have one of the tickets? Pretty, pretty please? you do have two, and it’s not like you’ll be taking a date to pick up - er, celebrate the holiday… I’ll beg nicely!! ---
**Author:** ![TelcontarStorm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3ab097/32.png) [@TelcontarStorm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TelcontarStorm)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 1:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-elf-speaks-out-on-north-pole-inspections/140701/99 "2002-12-12T13:45:35Z")
\*\* Miss Jar!!!\*\* If you please? Tele here from \* Outraged Parents Quarterly\* The part Parents play in keeping up Santa’s reputation can not be questioned. Factly, if we Parents stopped participating in the upkeep of the Santa Mistique, I believe that Children around the world would be disapointed in the kind of operation you truly run here. We Parents know, and happily participate in this illusion. However, it seems _some_ children have requested more expensive presents as the season comes upon us. The economy being what it is this year, many parents are feeling the economic crunch that comes along in December. Now, seeing as these loving, but cash crunched parents are doing Santa’s j-o-b for him this season, are we going to see any “entitlements” for these Parents? Myself I have spent $200 on my Teenage Daughter. As she is an only child, I am fortunate. I ask not for myself but for others out there who have muliple children and little money to go around. Fer Chrissake Ms. Jar the gas bill needs paid and the taxes will be soon due! Any hope of compensation this year? My regards to the Fat Man and the Missus ---
**Author:** ![Go\_alien](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/9d8465/32.png) [@Go\_alien](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Go_alien)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2002, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-elf-speaks-out-on-north-pole-inspections/140701/100 "2002-12-12T15:53:38Z")
Ms Jar, Ms Jar, C. L. O’Canth, _Cryptoichyology Weekly_ You said: > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jarbabyj \* > \*\*Sadly, I can answer the batboy question right away. Surely you know that Mr. and Mrs. Claus are infertile, which is why they give all of their time to YOUR HUMAN CHILDREN, and there is no way that Batboy could have sprung from their loins. > > \ > > ahem. > > \*\* So who then is Jingle Belle Claus’s mother? Or father? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-elf-speaks-out-on-north-pole-inspections/140701.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-elf-speaks-out-on-north-pole-inspections/140701.md?page=6)