# An insight on confidence (from one who often lacks it) **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 22, 2012, 5:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-insight-on-confidence-from-one-who-often-lacks-it/641808 "2012-11-22T05:14:37Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2012, 5:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-insight-on-confidence-from-one-who-often-lacks-it/641808/1 "2012-11-22T05:14:37Z")
It’s often said, “Confidence comes when you don’t care what other people think about you.” I find that pat. Not caring what _others_ think about you is the easy part. Confidence only comes when you don’t care what _you_ think about _yourself._ ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2012, 5:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-insight-on-confidence-from-one-who-often-lacks-it/641808/2 "2012-11-22T05:38:16Z")
I agree. I think the purest confidence comes when you subtract _all_ care. As soon as you start being aware of your intention, you choke. ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2012, 5:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-insight-on-confidence-from-one-who-often-lacks-it/641808/3 "2012-11-22T05:54:08Z")
Then again, unless we have to be world-class, perfect performers, we don’t need that purity of confidence. What we need, I imagine, is to stop wanting a reality check on positive thinking. You can’t just start doing it if you haven’t - you’re going to try like hell to shut it down. You really need to learn to let it take over. Be actively passive. It’s such a contradiction in terms many people probably never grasp it. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2012, 6:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-insight-on-confidence-from-one-who-often-lacks-it/641808/4 "2012-11-22T06:02:08Z")
Have you ever heard of the concept of [flow](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flow_%28psychology%29)? ---
**Author:** ![dimmy\_derko](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/43a26b/32.png) [@dimmy\_derko](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dimmy_derko)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2012, 1:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-insight-on-confidence-from-one-who-often-lacks-it/641808/5 "2012-11-22T13:47:17Z")
I’ve never met a confident pessimist, fwiw. ---
**Author:** ![thenonepercent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@thenonepercent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thenonepercent)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2012, 1:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-insight-on-confidence-from-one-who-often-lacks-it/641808/6 "2012-11-22T13:49:55Z")
> [@dimmy\_derko](#): > > I’ve never met a confident pessimist, fwiw. Hi, I’m thenonepercent, though really I’m more of a cynic. ---
**Author:** ![panaccione](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/94ad74/32.png) [@panaccione](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panaccione)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2012, 1:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-insight-on-confidence-from-one-who-often-lacks-it/641808/7 "2012-11-22T13:53:25Z")
I disagree. Trust in yourself is the essence of confidence. That’s an original. ---
**Author:** ![dimmy\_derko](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/43a26b/32.png) [@dimmy\_derko](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dimmy_derko)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2012, 1:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-insight-on-confidence-from-one-who-often-lacks-it/641808/8 "2012-11-22T13:57:50Z")
> [@thenonepercent](#): > > Hi, I’m thenonepercent, though really I’m more of a cynic. Sorry, you’ve got to be a full time pessimist AND also extremely confident to fit my bill. The breed seem to be as rare as chocolate fireguards in my experience. ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2012, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-insight-on-confidence-from-one-who-often-lacks-it/641808/9 "2012-11-22T15:54:52Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > Have you ever heard of the concept of [flow](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flow_%28psychology%29)? Yes. It’s appealing, but in my world it’s kind of wishful thinking to be able to fully enjoy something _as you’re doing it._ My training is as a musician, where you’re taught to turn off that awareness because it will make you choke. ---
**Author:** ![dimmy\_derko](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/43a26b/32.png) [@dimmy\_derko](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dimmy_derko)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2012, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-insight-on-confidence-from-one-who-often-lacks-it/641808/10 "2012-11-22T15:58:02Z")
> [@](#): > > Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi and his fellow researchers began researching flow after Csikszentmihalyi became fascinated by artists who would essentially get lost in their work. Artists, especially painters, got so immersed in their work that they would disregard their need for food, water and even sleep. I know people who’ve done that playing the latest Call Of Duty release. I wouldn’t call them artists, or particularly enlightened. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2012, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-insight-on-confidence-from-one-who-often-lacks-it/641808/11 "2012-11-22T17:30:36Z")
Not really, unless you are going by a definition of confidence I am unfamiliar with. A confident person knows what they want and they take steps to go after it. I know plenty of people who don’t give a shit. That doesn’t make them confident. For example, a confident person doesn’t pine over some girl or cry about “nice guys” finishing last. They go up to her and ask her on a date. If she says no, he doesn’t care because he knows he’ll find someone else. ---
**Author:** ![panaccione](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/94ad74/32.png) [@panaccione](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panaccione)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2012, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-insight-on-confidence-from-one-who-often-lacks-it/641808/12 "2012-11-22T17:55:40Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > Not really, unless you are going by a definition of confidence I am unfamiliar with. A confident person knows what they want and they take steps to go after it. I know plenty of people who don’t give a shit. That doesn’t make them confident. > > For example, a confident person doesn’t pine over some girl or cry about “nice guys” finishing last. They go up to her and ask her on a date. If she says no, he doesn’t care because he knows he’ll find someone else. Yep. That’s believing in yourself knowing that you will be ok. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2012, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-insight-on-confidence-from-one-who-often-lacks-it/641808/13 "2012-11-22T18:39:10Z")
> [@Beware\_of\_Doug](#): > > Confidence only comes when you don’t care what _you_ think about _yourself._ This isn’t true in my experience. When you’re confident, doing something that takes boldness and courage is easy because your self-image will be intact regardless of whether or not you bomb. In contrast, people who lack confidence are constantly worried about looking bad, not just to others but to themselves. When they screw up, they take it personally and berate themselves over and over again. But when a confident person screws up, they shrug it off as no big deal and keep moving. It isnt that confident people don’t care about how they think about themselves. It’s that they always see themselves in a positive way. ---
**Author:** ![Taomist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/53a042/32.png) [@Taomist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taomist)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2012, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-insight-on-confidence-from-one-who-often-lacks-it/641808/14 "2012-11-22T19:35:48Z")
Confidence is knowing you’re doing what is right for you. So, asking that girl out is the right thing; the confidence doesn’t come from not caring what the answer is, but in knowing you did what you could, and that you’ll keep on being yourself regardless of the outcome. Caring = passion; not caring = acting against one’s own self, so to speak, and won’t work for many people. So if you’re gonna care, REALLY care. Get so into it, so passionate, that the outcome doesn’t matter. You’re DOING it, whatever IT is, and that’s all that matters. ---
**Author:** ![gracer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8e7dd6/32.png) [@gracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gracer)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2012, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-insight-on-confidence-from-one-who-often-lacks-it/641808/15 "2012-11-22T21:17:51Z")
> [@Beware\_of\_Doug](#): > > Yes. It’s appealing, but in my world it’s kind of wishful thinking to be able to fully enjoy something _as you’re doing it._ My training is as a musician, where you’re taught to turn off that awareness because it will make you choke. Hmm that’s interesting. I trained as an actor (in Utrecht, the Netherlands, essentially Lecoq school) and we trained allowing all sensations to enter your focus and to accept them as real and present (it that kind of like “flow”?). I found that extremely helpful, and possibly the most valuable thing I learned. It helps with the critique of yourself (the little man in your head, as we called him) and it helps with accepting the physical stimuli around you and allows you to accept everything as a part of what you are working with. I can see how that might not work as a musician though. To me, that is part of having confidence. Thoughts or observations about yourself might enter your consciousness. Forcefully repressing them is useless: the struggle only feeds that thought. If you accept the thought as truth you can leave it again immediately. Maybe this is really woozy. Sorry. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2012, 11:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-insight-on-confidence-from-one-who-often-lacks-it/641808/16 "2012-11-22T23:17:20Z")
Well, you’re a Dutch actor and I’m an American musician, so I probably have way more baggage about perfectionism than you, and way more incentive to forcibly repress things. In my experience, even when you’re too forced, the lesson is brought home forcibly. Constructive cruelty is one of the most American things I can think of. We don’t spare people’s self-worth. Excellence is not for everybody, and we’re content to waste a lot of talent if it won’t respond to harsh treatment. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2012, 11:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-insight-on-confidence-from-one-who-often-lacks-it/641808/17 "2012-11-22T23:38:35Z")
One thing: When people say “Confident people don’t care what other people think,” we don’t mean the mentality is “Fuck all y’all and y’all’s opinions!” We mean some people seem to place a great deal of weight on what others think, and confident people do not. We like you and we value your opinions and all, but what you think really doesn’t affect how much we like or are sure of ourselves. ---
**Author:** ![gracer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8e7dd6/32.png) [@gracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gracer)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2012, 2:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-insight-on-confidence-from-one-who-often-lacks-it/641808/18 "2012-11-23T02:32:34Z")
> [@Beware\_of\_Doug](#): > > Well, you’re a Dutch actor and I’m an American musician, so I probably have way more baggage about perfectionism than you, and way more incentive to forcibly repress things. In my experience, even when you’re too forced, the lesson is brought home forcibly. > > Constructive cruelty is one of the most American things I can think of. We don’t spare people’s self-worth. Excellence is not for everybody, and we’re content to waste a lot of talent if it won’t respond to harsh treatment. Actually, that sounds like my primary school ☹ Took a lot of work to get over, but drama school was a great liberator.\* Have you read Keith Johnstone’s _Impro_? Although it’s about acting and improvisation it’s a really fun read and relevant to life in general. \*On my first round I typed “loverator”, which should certainly be a word. ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2012, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-insight-on-confidence-from-one-who-often-lacks-it/641808/19 "2012-11-23T17:54:24Z")
I haven’t read that book. And honestly, I have unusual trouble relating to people, or their stories, if they’re dedicated to things I don’t do or live lives that are very much different from my life. It takes me a lot of concentrating, interrupting, and questioning to get past the differences. You can’t interrogate a book actively or a film/tv show at all, and of course, most people tire of it very quickly. I’ve lost a lot of potential friends just trying to get to know them. ---
**Author:** ![Bricker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@Bricker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bricker)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2012, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-insight-on-confidence-from-one-who-often-lacks-it/641808/20 "2012-11-23T17:59:43Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > Not really, unless you are going by a definition of confidence I am unfamiliar with. A confident person knows what they want and they take steps to go after it. I know plenty of people who don’t give a shit. That doesn’t make them confident. > > For example, a confident person doesn’t pine over some girl or cry about “nice guys” finishing last. They go up to her and ask her on a date. If she says no, he doesn’t care because he knows he’ll find someone else. This. I remember asking a girl out and her replying, “Well, we could go as friends.” I told her, “No, I was asking for a date. A romantic outing. I have plenty of friends already.” [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-insight-on-confidence-from-one-who-often-lacks-it/641808.md?page=2)