# An Ode to my Neighbor **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [November 9, 2001, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-ode-to-my-neighbor/92502 "2001-11-09T20:30:44Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 16\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![belladonna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9fc29f/32.png) [@belladonna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/belladonna)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2001, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-ode-to-my-neighbor/92502/1 "2001-11-09T20:30:44Z")
Oh neighbor dear, come over here So that you and I might chat. I’ve been next door two years this fall And need to tell you that: Your dogs–they suck, I hate them both I wish that they would die. The bark and growl and moan and howl throughout the day and night. They never pause to take a breath. You never make them hush. And when you go, to work, to school you leave them out, for us. And—oh—what’s this, a fenced in pen Right outside our bedroom screens? Don’t fear, my dear, we love to hear your “puppies” in our dreams. My son, 5 months, enjoys it so, He often wakes to join. That barking, howling, moaning din Now has his frightened cries thrown in! And every time I wake to this I wish that I could share With you, my sweet, of the rotting teeth Just how it makes me feel. I seethe, I curse, I fume and fry. I hope for death, I ask god why. Why my life has been so beset by your stupid, ugly, howling pets. I asked you once to shut them up, you laughed and scratched your head. “Those ornery things, I know they’re bad I can’t tell why, they’re quite well fed.” Perhaps, you twit, What causes it, you syphilitic whore, Is that they’re out, without a doubt, Twenty-two hours of each twenty-four. Day and night, rain and shine, they sit barking in that pen. Sometimes your kids shout out “shut up” from the window in your den. Of course, I laugh, to hear them yell at your stinking beasts from hell. As if their nasal, mouth-breathing shouts this earsplitting clamor could hope to rout. My friends, they come, to see me here they’re waltzing up my walk. “Watch out my friend! Don’t come on in! My neighbors dogs are out again!” Yes, they’ve jumped your fence and lurk in the bushes in my yard. They chase my cats and drop their shit I’d like to kick them hard. But WAIT, I can’t–they’re fucking HUGE, with long and shining teeth. I go to leave, to pass them by, before they chase me back inside. I try to call and let you know it rings and rings and rings. You can’t be bothered, don’t I care You’re doing vital things? But when the warden pulls on up to take your beasts away, THEN you put your crack pipe down And race outside to say; “But, Oh Warden, don’t you know, I give them so much care! They’re rarely out, now don’t you doubt, that they’re a harmless pair.” I watch, dismayed, he turns them loose. You usher them inside. He’s gone, it’s safe! Now they’re back out And I‘ll no longer hide The HATE, the RAGE, the unspoiled WRATH that’s festering inside. I dream of spending a single night At the window to YOUR room. Air horns, whistles, drumbeats, screams– Enough to cause a sonic boom. I want to kill your stupid dogs I fantasize about the ways. Poison, bullets, knives or ropes Acids, spikes, or red-death rays. I want to pluck their noisesome tongues out of their foul wet mouths I want to hack off both their tails and fling them at your house. I want to spray them down with all kinds of blood and bile, Then set them loose inside a cage with a hungry crocodile. I’d like to lance them up the asses, Snuff them out with neural gasses. Choke them, stoke them, shave them down Kick them, stick them, watch them drown. I want to cram their yelping jaws full of glass and pus-soaked gauze. Smack them, whack them, pull their ears. Prod them, poke them with red-hot spears. I want to gather flesh-eating fleas to sic on them with wasps and bees. Break them, stake them, chase them away. Beat them, cleat them, make them pay. If only I could break each bone then crush their skulls with heavy stones. Slash them, bash them, sever their feet. Stab them, jab them, roast their meat. I picture scooping out their eyes and serving them with fresh homefries. Shoot them, boot them, make them cry Slay them, flay them, help them die. If I could only see your face as I dispensed the coup de grace That sent them yelping down to hell back home beneath this earthly shell. Oh what I’d give, you pin-brained trout, to see you act less dense. I plan to check YOUR skull for brains, Before I mount it on my fence. Oh yes, you cunt, now don’t you fear My list shows your name, too. Because the only thing worse than your pair of beasts Is lice-ridden, dog-neglecting you! Your deadened eyes and bloody hair will serve to warn all those, who let their animals piss me off, And pretend that they don’t know. To bad that you, you stupid twat, Can’t quite seem to see How much your stupid fucking dogs Have irritated me. ---
**Author:** ![Ferrous](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Ferrous](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferrous)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2001, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-ode-to-my-neighbor/92502/2 "2001-11-09T20:55:07Z")
::blinks, shakes head vigorously, closes gaping jaw:: Holy flurking schnit! Do the Pulitzer people check this site? Damn, **belladonna** , that was one hell of a rant! ---
**Author:** ![BoBettie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4af34b/32.png) [@BoBettie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BoBettie)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2001, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-ode-to-my-neighbor/92502/3 "2001-11-09T21:00:34Z")
> [@](#): > > I plan to check YOUR skull for brains, > Before I mount it on my fence. This is my favorite part. And belladonna is, without a doubt, the best new poster we’ve had in ages. Welcome aboard, my friend. Zette ---
**Author:** ![belladonna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9fc29f/32.png) [@belladonna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/belladonna)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2001, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-ode-to-my-neighbor/92502/4 "2001-11-09T21:03:49Z")
::blushing:: thank you, thank you… This was my first pit thread so I thought I should go all out, I’m glad you guys enjoyed it. ---
**Author:** ![saepiroth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b5ac83/32.png) [@saepiroth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saepiroth)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2001, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-ode-to-my-neighbor/92502/5 "2001-11-09T21:46:15Z")
yeah, well you know what they say; start with a bang, but end with… uh… a banker’s check? i think that’s it… ---
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2001, 10:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-ode-to-my-neighbor/92502/6 "2001-11-09T22:59:59Z")
Eeeerm…uh… I know this is a rant and not a what should I do appeal…but: I’m a firm believer that there are no bad dogs, just badly trained dogs and horrible people who “own” them. It’s obvious the neighbors don’t really care about their dogs, and hurting an animal is really a low level to stoop to (I’m hoping you weren’t really serious about hurting them anyway, just angry). I have a few options, the first somewhat easier and less expensive than the second. When you know no one is home, pack some meat patties with animal sedatives and give them to the dogs. When they’re groggy, muzzle them (you can just twist guaze around the snout and tie it behind the ears), load them in the car and take them to the furthest animal shelter (at least far enough that your lazy neighbors won’t bother looking) and tell them you found them wandering, looking sick. That would get rid of the dog situation at least temporarily, although they sound like the kind of people who “just have to have a dog.” The other, outlandish option is to try and covertly train them yourself, by fitting them with bark-activated shock/vibrating/citronella collars. It’s really not your responsibility, but…if they’re bothered at least a little bit by the noise, maybe they won’t mind you taking their responsibility for them. An option that just occurred to me is to document the disturbance and see about pressing charges, or suing in a civil court for distress, though, yuck. After all, you’re neighbors and those things can get ugly. Just my not particularly solicited animal loving people disliking opinion. ---
**Author:** ![belladonna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9fc29f/32.png) [@belladonna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/belladonna)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2001, 12:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-ode-to-my-neighbor/92502/7 "2001-11-10T00:01:05Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by zenzelli78 \* > **I’m a firm believer that there are no bad dogs, just badly trained dogs and horrible people who “own” them. It’s obvious the neighbors don’t really care about their dogs, and hurting an animal is really a low level to stoop to (I’m hoping you weren’t really serious about hurting them anyway, just angry).** sigh. I had a feeling I was going to get this. I considered posting a disclaimer but was afraid that it would detract from the emotional impact of a rant that was obviously (or so I thought) exaggeration. Apparently I was mistaken. So, for the benefit of the hyperbole-impaired, here it is. DISCLAIMER: I, belladonna, do not in any way advocate the bashing, smashing, stabbing, jabbing, beating, cleating, booting, shooting, smacking, whacking or otherwise killing and/or maiming of any animal. I do not plan to actually harm my neighbor’s–or anyone elses–domestic companions. I am aware that bad owners are the true root of the majority of canine dysfunctions–please refer to stanzas 9, 29, and 30 for elaboration. Are we all happy now? Sheesh. I was so stoked after Ferrous and Zette made me blush and now here I am defending myself. That’ll teach me to go feeling all clever. bella ---
**Author:** ![D\_Riffer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ce7236/32.png) [@D\_Riffer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/D_Riffer)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2001, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-ode-to-my-neighbor/92502/8 "2001-11-10T03:49:50Z")
…when I moved into my curent location, I was assured that it was a peaceful, quiet place. And it was. Soon enough though, the serenity was broken by 4 loud, testosterone sporting idiots who think it is their purpose in life to: 1. Wake the dead at all hours of the night with their muffler-less hot-rods. 2. Wake the dead at all hours of the night with their head splitting, custom built car stereos that literally shake my window panes. 3. Make sure that all who live around them are able to hear just how great and innovative the “music” of “their” generation is. They also think it’s perfectly fine to do car stereo “adjustments” at 4 in the morning, no matter who may be roused from sleep. And I’m talking full volume, speaker pounding insanity. I don’t care that they “fine tune” their stereos in the morning, just that they seem absolutely oblivious to the disruption their “work” is causing 99% of the rest of the neighborhood that has to get up and face an 8-10 hour day or more with no sleep. (i am not joking about the 4 in the morning bit, it’s happened more than once) I have a fan, a portable fan/heater and a humidifier all going at the same time just to create enough white noise to hopefully drown out the off-rhythm pounding of their music. Still, there is no respite from the madness. I have no problem asking people to turn down a stereo or to respect others rights to exist in a peaceful, quiet environment. But these bozos are a new breed. It’s obvious that they know they are creating a disturbance, and just don’t care. And if they don’t know this, then they are the stupidest motherfuckers it’s ever been my displeasure to come across. They come home drunk in the middle of the night and sit outside for hours cackling, fighting, gunning those neat engines in those swell cars, all of course accompanied by their fantastic bass overdriven tunes. And they can’t just talk. They have to scream out each and every sentence, afraid that their snockered cohorts won’t hear them if they don’t. Any time is party time. I haven’t seen any of their cars away on a regular basis, so I don’t think they have jobs. I have noticed that they leave and return again and again all night long, as if they drop something off and immediately return, only to repeat the process over and over again until the sun comes up. I envision crack dealers getting multiple pages in the middle of the night, meeting their junkies at a close, pre-set locale. Keep in mind that all of these middle of the night forays are paired with loud revving engines and decibel peaking stereos. I have no clue as to how to approach these people. I’d say they are about 18-23 years old. They have no respect for other people around them. How do you approach a group of people and ask them to please turn down the stereo, when it’s obviously so loud that they should already know they must be disturbing people in the 1st place? I’ve thought of calling the cops, but fear property damage or worse if they find out who “ratted” them out. At one point, I did call the police and merely asked them to drive by. The fine local police assured me that they’d be there soon, but they never showed up. I realize they may have had other things to deal with, but in my world, these fuckers are coming close to inspiring my own brand of insanity. It just seems pretty suicidal to approach a group of people that have no common sense to begin with. My common sense tells me not to. Or maybe it’s my cowardice, I don’t know. Anyone who is stupid enough to do what they do is also stupid enough to shoot me for no reason. That’s how I see it. I read about such things every-day. I’m no-one special. I could be in the next news report were I to “approach” them about their loudness. I’ve come to terms with it. I’ll take my medicine over the next few months before I move. When I do move though, after I’m well away from this location, I’ll be back with all manner of pretty enamels and spray paints. They and their cars will find out just how much of a testosterone driven juvenile vandalizer I used to be. Yes, I realize I’ll be stooping to their level. But it’s going to feel dammed good when I see that paint splashing all over the precious cars that they prize beyond anything else. I’ll be careful, of course. My best friend has already agreed to be my get-away driver. I hope they like pink. Perhaps when I move to another neighborhood, I’ll see the stupidity of going back and claiming my rightful vengeance. As of now though, it’s the only thing that gets me through these many sleepless, aggravating nights. Anyway Belladonna, thanks for letting me get this off my chest. Your rant really struck a nerve with me. Good luck with those fun-loving pooches and their doting owner next door. And remember, if you can’t beat 'em, join 'em! Loud stereo speakers may be just the answer for you. Mount them in your windows, directly facing her house. If they’re big enough and loud enough, you may just get her to the bargaining table. She seems as clueless as these idiots across from me. I realize stooping to her level(probably) isn’t the answer, but it would sure feel good, wouldn’t it? I know everytime I think of pink paint on windshields, I feel so much better. ---
**Author:** ![Billy\_Rubin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/billy_rubin/32/3622_2.png) [@Billy\_Rubin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Billy_Rubin)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2001, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-ode-to-my-neighbor/92502/9 "2001-11-10T15:57:06Z")
Some people just have to rain on everyone’s parade. I was paying attention to what you meant, not what you wrote. I understand artistic license. I know you wouldn’t hurt the dogs. I know your rant was a thing of beauty. I hope the dogs shut up. I have a neighbor who has one too, and I like the dog, but I wish it would shut the fuck up. Fortunately it’s on the other end of my house from the bedroom. b. PS Welcome aboard! ---
**Author:** ![belladonna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9fc29f/32.png) [@belladonna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/belladonna)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2001, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-ode-to-my-neighbor/92502/10 "2001-11-10T18:49:44Z")
D Riffer–Radios can be horrible too! There are a few of those around here, luckily they are half-way down the block from me. My personal philosophy is that if the stereo/speaker system in your car cost MORE than the actual vehicle, you have a problem. That’s good that you will be moving soon. I wish you better luck in your new residence! Then again, maybe you’ll be moving in next to a clog-dancing, bongo-playing, polka-blaring, hard-of-hearing elderly couple that will quickly make you miss your car cult. 🙂 Billy Rubin–Thank you. I was worried, after I posted it, that I came off as a little snotty towards zenzelli78. I didn’t intend to but it’s just that these dogs are seriously awful. Huge male Rottweilers with serious territorial issues do not make good neighbors. Especially when their owner is such a nimrod. But I would never actually hurt them of course. I have a dog of my own, plus six cats–I love animals and I’m the biggest sucker in town about taking in strays. I just hate my neighbor’s dogs. With a deep and blinding fury. If that makes me a bad person, then slap my ass and call me Hitler. bella ---
**Author:** ![Billy\_Rubin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/billy_rubin/32/3622_2.png) [@Billy\_Rubin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Billy_Rubin)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2001, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-ode-to-my-neighbor/92502/11 "2001-11-10T20:06:46Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by belladonna \* > \*\*If that makes me a bad person, then slap my ass and call me Hitler. > > bella \*\* No, that just makes you kinky. What time would you like me to come around? b. [sub]oh, that wasn’t an invitation?[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![belladonna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9fc29f/32.png) [@belladonna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/belladonna)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2001, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-ode-to-my-neighbor/92502/12 "2001-11-10T23:31:23Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Billy Rubin \* > No, that just makes you kinky. What time would you like me to come around? > > b. > > \*\* [sub]bella rummaging through her closet…[/sub] knee-high boots—Check lil’ leather dress—Check billy club—Check glue-on Hitler mustache—[sub]…mumble, mumble…where is that damn thing?..[/sub] Foiled Again! Sorry Billy, raincheck? bella ---
**Author:** ![Billy\_Rubin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/billy_rubin/32/3622_2.png) [@Billy\_Rubin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Billy_Rubin)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2001, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-ode-to-my-neighbor/92502/13 "2001-11-10T23:58:00Z")
And thanks for giving it a good try---- find that mustache soon, d’ya hear? And no billy club- why let the club have all the fun? bare hands is the only way to go. hehe! B. [sub]unless you were talking about the Billy club, which I’ll be bringing. Don’t leave home without it.[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2001, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-ode-to-my-neighbor/92502/14 "2001-11-11T00:04:55Z")
Marvelous, marvelous rant. Thank you for setting the bar even higher for us weak ranters. 😃 (ps - I liked the Dr. Seuss overtones. Very nice touch.) ---
**Author:** ![belladonna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9fc29f/32.png) [@belladonna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/belladonna)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2001, 12:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-ode-to-my-neighbor/92502/15 "2001-11-11T00:07:26Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Billy Rubin \* > \*\* > [sub]unless you were talking about the Billy club, which I’ll be bringing. Don’t leave home without it.[/sub] \*\* This just about made me pee my pants. Classic! You, sir, have just made my evening. And now I’m off to go shoot some pool with my girls and I just know I will be giggling over this for the rest of the night. bella ---
**Author:** ![belladonna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9fc29f/32.png) [@belladonna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/belladonna)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2001, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-ode-to-my-neighbor/92502/16 "2001-11-11T00:13:05Z")
[sub]grrr. this was supposed to go into the above post. Damn my over-anxious fingers.[/sub] featherlou-- glad you enjoyed, sorry I’m screwing up that curve–I’ll aim lower next time :). My friend Sarah read this earlier and said “Wow, I didn’t know Dr. Suess was into acid”. Great minds apparently think alike! bella