# An Open Letter to Deer re: Highways **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 18, 2005, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-deer-re-highways/331680 "2005-11-18T18:56:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![zagloba](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/977dab/32.png) [@zagloba](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zagloba)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2005, 4:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-deer-re-highways/331680/21 "2005-11-20T04:19:58Z")
Dear Deer, Highways are a function of the state government. I suggest you follow the [example of your kinsman](http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20051118/ap_on_re_us/urban_deer_2) [3rd para] and see the governor of the state in which you currently reside. ---
**Author:** ![Musicat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/musicat/32/20189_2.png) [@Musicat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Musicat)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2005, 4:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-deer-re-highways/331680/22 "2005-11-20T04:22:47Z")
Deer Deer, You are stupid, tasty and unarmed. That is all. – A. Rifle and A. Fender just waiting for you – take your pick ---
**Author:** ![GusNSpot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gusnspot/32/436_2.png) [@GusNSpot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GusNSpot)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2005, 6:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-deer-re-highways/331680/23 "2005-11-20T06:14:47Z")
Dear Deer, You are a lovely sight When you are in my sights. I love to see you bound with delight When my loud gun gives you a fright. You are very pretty But I’d rather have my kitty. If we left you alone, you would not condone The look you’d have of skin and bone. So run and play in the streets all you wish The wife is at home cleaning the serving dish. ---
**Author:** ![LiveOnAPlane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3d9bf3/32.png) [@LiveOnAPlane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LiveOnAPlane)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2005, 11:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-deer-re-highways/331680/24 "2005-11-20T23:45:25Z")
> [@AskNott](#): > > Dear County Road Dept., > > Please take down the deer crossing sign out in front of my place. The deer think it’s safe to cross there. Since I moved here from the city, I’ve seen four deer killed by cars there. You’re luring them to their deaths! > > Concerned citizen. Yes, please move this sign closer to my home! The great thing about this is that when you hit them with your car, they are already pre-tenderized. The auto insurance takes care of the damage to the car, and one does not have to spring for the $$ for ahunting license! A friend of mind once landed his plane (with me in it) on a grass strip runway, and on roll-out, a herd of deer ran in front of us. He got kinda tense at this, but I looked thru the whirrling prop and could only think of pulled pork BBQ…yeah, I know that should of been pulled-venison, but you know how stuff goes through your mind in a split-second crisis situation. Yummm…I want me some Bambi. ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2005, 2:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-deer-re-highways/331680/25 "2005-11-21T14:46:52Z")
Dear Cervidae, We have been folowing your territorial negotiations with the bipeds with great interest. At this juncture we are no longer able to deny that our cause has much in common with yours, and that measures should be employed without delay to control the invasive population of this clawless and hoofless menace. That we may work out the finer points of a long-term solution to this predicament we suggest a conference in a mutually acceptable common area, a nice wide-open glade of high grass, perhaps. We truly look forward to eatin…er, MEETING you. –Ungrilak T. Wolffe ---
**Author:** ![Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/cab0a1/32.png) [@Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Man_With_a_Cat)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2005, 3:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-deer-re-highways/331680/26 "2005-11-21T15:01:55Z")
Dear deer: I was wondering if I were to leave a tasty treat of this garlic, and herb mix that I’d like to leave for you, would you be good enough to eat from it? Also, perhaps, lie down and , um rub it all over yourselves first? I have this theory about diet affecting the taste of meat that I’d like some confirmation of and I can’t get the fish to eat the Old Bay seasoning I leave for them. Oh, after you eat the tasty mix, feel free to cross the highway across the field behind my house. Mr Bus Guy. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2005, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-deer-re-highways/331680/27 "2005-11-21T15:13:13Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > Dear Hippy, > > We don’t want to eat out of your hand. We want you dead. That is why we send some our most impressionable radicals to suicide bomb your “SUV’s”. Don’t you know that a flashing white tail is our version of the finger? We are going to die a painful, cold death no matter what and we have nothing to lose. Your call. > > Signed, > Bambi’s Real Father’s Nephew A Note From The Department of Ruminate Urban Terrorists, For too long we have had a terrorist amongst us, hidden in the sun dappled forests patiently waiting for the opportunity to attack and destroy decent American citizens with their suicide missions, particularly on SUV’s and severe damage on [smaller](http://www.car-accidents.com/pages/accident_story/11-20-04.html) [cars](http://www.car-accidents.com/pages/accident_story/1-23-04.html) It happens with no warning. Darkness is their greatest advantage. Newer recruits tend to freeze up during their first initial run and stare at oncoming headlights. Your duty as a car driving American is to give no quarter and run these terrorists down. ( Then have your picture taken with them as they are strung up from a tree to warn other suicidal ruminates to deter them to a more decent quiet existance until they are blown up by the annual Purge of the Glen every fall and mounted above someone’s fireplace.) [British Terrorist Ruminates](http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/beds/bucks/herts/3723508.stm) are a much smaller cell and effectiveness. Still, the potential for serious injury still exists. They are not alone as an example of the Brotherhood of the [Moose](http://www.pianoladynancy.com/funnypics_toons/moose.htm) and it is just not confined to terrorizing the travel byways of our fair country. Here is a clear picture of an [Unidentified TerrorMoose](http://www.collegehumor.com/pictures/82328/) attacking the infrastruction for the communications systems. These ruminants posessing no morality whatsoever are so low as to go after [seniors](http://www.theregister.co.uk/2005/11/11/drunken_elk_attack/) and [aerial assault units](http://www.aftenposten.no/english/local/article496559.ece) Clearly, this is a global operation of pure terror. Be afraid and Be alert! ---
**Author:** ![Harmonious\_Discord](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/74df32/32.png) [@Harmonious\_Discord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harmonious_Discord)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2005, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-deer-re-highways/331680/28 "2005-11-21T15:59:14Z")
From the DNR Headquarters: Dear: Deer Please stop humping all the mechanical deer we set up along the roads. They are not your dearest deer, so quit leaping in front of cars to get her attention. Trying to leap the hood of a car doesn’t impress our robodeer. Yours always: Smoky the Bear PS We are willing to rent them out in the off season for your bachelor parties, and other entertainment needs. Cheap! ---
**Author:** ![Jurph](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/50afbb/32.png) [@Jurph](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jurph)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2005, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-deer-re-highways/331680/29 "2005-11-21T16:01:53Z")
> [@Avarie537](#): > > Hubby’s cousin’s wife has lived in the DC area for over 20 years. She told us how she and her friends used to drive home after partying down one particular road near some big park (sorry - I don’t know the name!) and simply lean on the horn the entire time they were passing the park. It was “the only way” to keep the deer off the roads. I guess. This is almost certainly Beach Drive, which runs right through Rock Creek Park. Blind corners, dense woods on each side of the road, and a deer under every tree. ---
**Author:** ![BiblioCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ed8c4c/32.png) [@BiblioCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BiblioCat)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2005, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-deer-re-highways/331680/30 "2005-11-21T16:08:02Z")
Dear **bus guy** : You need to move near an apple orchard. The deer that live near the apple orchards and then cross paths with the hunters (namely, Mr. BiblioCat\*) are quite tasty. A little sweet and very tender. There’s definitely an appley taste. It’s very good. Can’t help you with the fish and Old Bay thing. The best I can come up with is to put the Old Bay on as you cook the fish, but you probably already knew that. Signed, BiblioCat - He would _die_ if he knew I was calling him that. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Wolfian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/7ea924/32.png) [@Wolfian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wolfian)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2005, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-deer-re-highways/331680/31 "2005-11-21T16:26:25Z")
> [@Shirley Ujest](#): > > ( Then have your picture taken with them as they are strung up from a tree to warn other suicidal ruminates to deter them to a more decent quiet existance until they are blown up by the annual Purge of the Glen every fall and mounted above someone’s fireplace.) Question: Shouldn’t we be pointing towards their deer genitals while getting our picture taken? -A Concerned Member of the Ohio Anti-Deer Brigade ---
**Author:** ![Monstre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e274bd/32.png) [@Monstre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monstre)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2005, 7:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-deer-re-highways/331680/32 "2005-11-22T07:18:17Z")
Dear Deer, You rotten bastards. Please quit stealing our press. D. Armadillo ---
**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2005, 8:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-deer-re-highways/331680/33 "2005-11-22T08:41:32Z")
Dear Land Mammals: You think you’ve got problems?! Do you have any idea how damn cold it is down here? Not to mention the damp. On top of which, often times our food is located a good hour from where we can freaking BREATHE! That’s right, wolves, you try hunting those deer while holding your breath sometime, then come to complain. Plus, have you seen what we get to mate with? “No fatties.” HA! Sincerely, Whales PS. We fucking HATE seafood. ---
**Author:** ![Stark\_Raven\_Mad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Stark\_Raven\_Mad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stark_Raven_Mad)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2005, 9:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-deer-re-highways/331680/34 "2005-11-22T09:08:42Z")
Dear Whale-san, The friendry-rooking men with harpoons are here to listen to your troubles. Rove, Japan ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2005, 11:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-deer-re-highways/331680/35 "2005-11-22T11:58:26Z")
Dear Deer and Whale, I don’t know what you are complaining about. The men come to my village and club all the kids the other day and we are not talking about a foam party either. Sincerely, Baby seal ---
**Author:** ![What\_Exit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/what_exit/32/10652_2.png) [@What\_Exit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/What_Exit)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2005, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-deer-re-highways/331680/36 "2005-11-22T15:57:00Z")
Dear Baby Seal, Once my people roamed this land in numbers beyond count. The came and shot us and laughed. They ate only our tongues and liver. They fenced off our land. They gave our land of a millions suns to the Sheep. Now there are few of my people left. Sincerely, Last of the Wild Buffaloes. ---
**Author:** ![Monstre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e274bd/32.png) [@Monstre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monstre)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2005, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-deer-re-highways/331680/37 "2005-11-22T16:17:24Z")
Dear Seals and Buffalos, What are y’all bitching about, anyways? Love, Dodo T. Bird ---
**Author:** ![Captain\_Amazing](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6de8d8/32.png) [@Captain\_Amazing](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Captain_Amazing)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2005, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-deer-re-highways/331680/38 "2005-11-22T16:20:27Z")
Dear Wild Buffalo, You think you’ve got troubles? Sincerely, Wooly Mammoth ---
**Author:** ![Philster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/13edae/32.png) [@Philster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Philster)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2005, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-deer-re-highways/331680/39 "2005-11-22T18:20:27Z")
Dear Darwin: Will deer eventually become a population that doesn’t get smacked by automobiles? Love, Your Deerest Bambi. “Deer: We’re not that gamey.” ---
**Author:** ![BiblioCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ed8c4c/32.png) [@BiblioCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BiblioCat)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2005, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-deer-re-highways/331680/40 "2005-11-22T18:46:34Z")
Dear Dodo T. Bird, Wooly Mammoth, Wild Buffalo, Baby Seals, various Deer, et. al: You guys don’t know the meaning of trouble. We should talk. Signed; A. Unicorn [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-deer-re-highways/331680.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-deer-re-highways/331680.md?page=3)