An open letter to God

Dear Lord,

WTF, over? In all your infinite wisdom you never saw that falling leaves and friggin’ rain don’t mix?

OK. Leaves’re pretty on the trees. And I can kinda get into that Autumnal scent of fresh decay. I can even enjoy the crunch of them under my feet when I take a lazy Saturday jaunt through the park. But the key to enjoying your fallen leaves is – you may want to take a few notes here – they must be dry!

And you don’t just sprinkle a few drops on ‘em do you? Naw, that’s be too easy for the Chief, right? You gotta let a few leaves fall, add a drizzle overnight and – before they can dry the following day – let some more fall! Hey, jerky, whaddabout giving me a day to square away the lawn before you start over? But no, you continue – f-ing rain, f-ing leaves, f-ing rain, f-ing leaves – over the next several days until there is a solid, multi-ply mat of leaves incapable of being raked or blown! And then you spin up the wife for good measure! You must be really yucking it up with the Seraphim, eh?

And I don’t see you fixing this mess any time soon, either. And that’s why I’m writing. How about you coming down off that high-horse of yours Saturday and cleaning off my lawn before the township makes their single annual appearance to pick ‘em up? Hell, you sent your Son to die for our sins, how about sending him back to help rake a few leaves?! I’ll expect him no later 11 a.m., there’s football on at 1, as you well know!

Oh, I see through your little sham, you fuckwad. Made a side bet with St. Peter about how many years my brand-new, Black and Decker leaf blower will sit idle in the garage, did ya? Big man aren’t you? What’re you still pissed off at the Communion wafer incident of 1973? Well, “Waa-fuckin’-waa!” Grow up, get a life and fix this shit now!

How about no rain in the fall? That’d work wouldn’t it? What, the big ol’ dunder-headed Creator of Heaven and Earth couldn’t figure that out?

This is the last year I tolerate this shit, oh great and omnipitant cretin! You have 1 – count it – 1 week to fix this, you swollen, puss-filled wildebeast vaginal canker! You better shape up or – so help me You – you won’t be seeing another six-day work week for the next millennium!

Respectfully submitted,

p.s. – And you had better hop to it, too. I’m sure we’ll be having a little discussion about half-melted snow and overnight freezes here in a couple of weeks.

Wait, don’t you have a son? Hand him the rake.

You’re welcome.

It’s All Part Of My Ineffible Plan. Learn To Deal With It.


God is full of cats?

F your plan.

Of course! If you had cats, you would know this. Just watch out for the hairballs…

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

Dear God, can we please have some of that rain **ChiefScott’s ** bitching about? We’ll appreciate it, I promise.

The Southeast

(I would have put a smiley in to indicate that humor was intended, but…)

Dear God,

I’ve got a lottery ticket riding on $17-million tomorrow. Could you throw a little mojo my way?

Many thanks,

Dear ChiefScott,

Would you please stop planting deciduous tree over grass? I made the leaves to fall off every fall. Heh, catchy mnemonic there, dontcha think? It’s not like this is some new thing we’re trying out here. So why are you moving my trees from the forests and putting them on top of grass and streets and sidewalks ‘n’ shit? WTF? Please leave the grass for the prairies and the trees for the forests.


OK, see, what Chief Scottie doesn’t realize is that God didn’t make the weather/season thingy for the convenience of his yardwork. In fact, the layering of leaves and rain is PERFECT for the mulching of the lawn for winter. The layers protect the ground from deep freezing while trapping moisture in the root zone. So, while it makes it treacherous walking for inattentive humanoids and looks like crap to producers at HG TV, it’s an excellent plan for keeping the flora alive over the winter.

I think I pissed Him off.

I woke up this morning and there were wet leaves plastered all over my car, completely covering it. I had to use the ice scraper to clear the windshield!

Oh, you meant the god of rain or something. My bad.

Of course God is a Cat.

The " I love you sooo much for giving me scratches…What do you think you are doing? I must bite you now for you scratching me the way I exactly like it before leaping off your lap and making you look at my butthole as I walk away."

It all makes perfect sense now.

That’s what I heard.

I know when my kid was 14 there were very few things he wouldn’t do if I paid him $20. Just sayin…