# An open letter to my latest foe, the European Chafer. **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [April 23, 2004, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-my-latest-foe-the-european-chafer/241552 "2004-04-23T02:23:01Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Brutus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@Brutus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brutus)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2004, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-my-latest-foe-the-european-chafer/241552/1 "2004-04-23T02:23:01Z")
Dearest Grub, So, you thought you would marshal your resources and launch a sneak attack, huh? Little did you know who you are facing. I have long studied the works of Tacitus, Jomini, Mao Zedong, et cetera. I am a man of ample resources, much spare time, and few morals. If you had launched your bid for dominance on my neighbors lawn, I would have laughed and cheered you on. But no; You chose the path that must lead to the demise of you and your kind. You really should have talked to your good friends, the house spiders, before beginning on your path to destruction. Ah, yes, you haven’t spoken to any house spiders lately, have you? Hahahah, you fool! I waged total warfare against them! The Raid Maxx was amusing, oh yes. But this invention of hippies, this mint oil ‘Poison-Free’ insecticide, it was their doom. For shame! You will note that your other comrades, the ants and the mice, are also quiet. One day, if you should defeat me, you may learn the art of Necromancy. Then, and only then, could you speak to your other brethren, for they also tested my mettle, and they also died. But there shall be no such luck for you, my nemesis. There will be no pleasant slumber, coaxed to the afterlife by the sweet smell of mint oil. No, you will get ‘parasitic nematodes’. You will get isofenphos and imidacloprid and bendiocarb, to name but a few of the new Hells that modern chemistry makes available to me. I have studied the wars of Hitler and Tojo. I have gleaned that they acted too hastily; Not I. I have patience. Sure, you will get a sprinkling of bendiocarb now, but I know that this autumn, as the leaves turn gold, you will turn dead. I will unleash a host of evils upon you, and you will squirm for mercy. Come to think of it, all I ever see you do is squirm, but I know that is just your foul grub-speak for, “Hark! Brutus! We eat at the roots of your lawn! Yes, the same lawn that you pried from the jaws of Death years ago. The same lawn that you tend as if it were your life-quest. Green and lush? Nay! Yellowed and dying, that is our domain, Brutus.” Yes, I divine all that from your squirming. Disquieting, is it not, that I know so much about you? I savor your fear. Count your days, Br’er Rhizotrogus Majalis. Your days of life, in this world, are coming to an end. Regards, Brutus. ---
**Author:** ![gobear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8dc957/32.png) [@gobear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gobear)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2004, 2:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-my-latest-foe-the-european-chafer/241552/2 "2004-04-23T02:29:22Z")
$5 sez the bug wins. Higher intellect usually triumphs. ---
**Author:** ![Brutus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@Brutus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brutus)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2004, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-my-latest-foe-the-european-chafer/241552/3 "2004-04-23T02:30:58Z")
> [@gobear](#): > > $5 sez the bug wins. Higher intellect usually triumphs. I have long suspected you of being in league with the lawn grubs. ---
**Author:** ![Chairman\_Pow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/838e76/32.png) [@Chairman\_Pow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chairman_Pow)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2004, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-my-latest-foe-the-european-chafer/241552/4 "2004-04-23T02:36:14Z")
That’s a nice letter and all, but it’s not gonna have the effect you intend unless you put it where the grubs can see it… …they don’t use this message board, do they? ---
**Author:** ![ElvisL1ves](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/5daacb/32.png) [@ElvisL1ves](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ElvisL1ves)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2004, 2:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-my-latest-foe-the-european-chafer/241552/5 "2004-04-23T02:47:07Z")
I can just picture Brutus in his cammies, molding C-4 into the shape of grubs, inserting them into the grub holes in his lawn, while menacingly singing “The Ballad of the Green Berets”. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2004, 2:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-my-latest-foe-the-european-chafer/241552/6 "2004-04-23T02:48:41Z")
Lawn grubs! Damn! And here I was hoping we were goin to see a smackdown between Brutus and some Doper called “The European Chafer”. [sub]Not that I would pull up a lawn chair to such a thrilling spectacle, no that wouldn’t do! No siree Bob! Never happen in a million years…[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![Frank](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Frank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frank)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2004, 3:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-my-latest-foe-the-european-chafer/241552/7 "2004-04-23T03:46:53Z")
A **Brutus** OP. Not a drive-by. Not a sentence fragment. Not even a mere sentence. Many actual sentences. Arranged in paragraphs. And everything. **Brutus** obviously has more respect for the debating skills of _Rhizotrogus Majalis_ than he does the members of the SDMB. ---
**Author:** ![Snooooopy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ee7513/32.png) [@Snooooopy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snooooopy)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2004, 4:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-my-latest-foe-the-european-chafer/241552/8 "2004-04-23T04:08:24Z")
We should take up a collection for the bugs to have a membership! ---
**Author:** ![Doomtrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/0ea827/32.png) [@Doomtrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doomtrain)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2004, 4:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-my-latest-foe-the-european-chafer/241552/9 "2004-04-23T04:54:56Z")
Good lord, **Brutus** , that was hysterical. Victory WILL be yours! ---
**Author:** ![Brutus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@Brutus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brutus)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2004, 5:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-my-latest-foe-the-european-chafer/241552/10 "2004-04-23T05:39:16Z")
> [@GMRyujin](#): > > Good lord, **Brutus** , that was hysterical. Victory WILL be yours! You, sir, are a poet and a gentleman. > [@Snooooopy](#): > > We should take up a collection for the bugs to have a membership! Tell us, **Snooooopy** , are you now, or have you ever been, a lawn grub? ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Plastic\_Ninja](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f07891/32.png) [@Little\_Plastic\_Ninja](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Plastic_Ninja)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2004, 6:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-my-latest-foe-the-european-chafer/241552/11 "2004-04-23T06:16:05Z")
> [@Brutus](#): > > Tell us, **Snooooopy** , are you now, or have you ever been, a lawn grub? Don’t ask, don’t tell. ---
**Author:** ![Coldfire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a587f6/32.png) [@Coldfire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Coldfire)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2004, 9:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-my-latest-foe-the-european-chafer/241552/12 "2004-04-23T09:53:10Z")
> [@Brutus](#): > > I am a man of ample resources, much spare time, and few morals. Not for nothing, but I think you should make that your sig. Uh, good luck on the bugs. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2004, 10:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-my-latest-foe-the-european-chafer/241552/13 "2004-04-23T10:13:22Z")
It may be necessary to destroy the lawn in order to save it. ---
**Author:** ![lno](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a8b319/32.png) [@lno](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lno)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2004, 11:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-my-latest-foe-the-european-chafer/241552/14 "2004-04-23T11:40:50Z")
Using weapons of mass destruction on innocents in your own back yard? Tsk. Where’s a UN resolution when you need one? ---
**Author:** ![GingerOfTheNorth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/cdc98d/32.png) [@GingerOfTheNorth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GingerOfTheNorth)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2004, 12:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-my-latest-foe-the-european-chafer/241552/15 "2004-04-23T12:33:31Z")
> [@Brutus](#): > > I have long suspected you of being in league with the lawn grubs. He’s taller than you think. ---
**Author:** ![smiling\_bandit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@smiling\_bandit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smiling_bandit)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2004, 1:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-my-latest-foe-the-european-chafer/241552/16 "2004-04-23T13:59:22Z")
> [@](#): > > Brutus obviously has more respect for the debating skills of Rhizotrogus Majalis than he does the members of the SDMB. Well, who wouldn’t? 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![Hamlet](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hamlet/32/2818_2.png) [@Hamlet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hamlet)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2004, 2:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-my-latest-foe-the-european-chafer/241552/17 "2004-04-23T14:08:35Z")
So **Brutus** is going to war against some Frenchman with questionable hygiene and unfortunate underwear? ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2004, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-my-latest-foe-the-european-chafer/241552/18 "2004-04-23T14:12:02Z")
> [@Hamlet](#): > > So **Brutus** is going to war against some Frenchman with questionable hygiene and unfortunate underwear? Well, on intial reading I thought this might be another Coldfire pitting, but I think he uses baby powder. ---
**Author:** ![UrbanChic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/9dc877/32.png) [@UrbanChic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UrbanChic)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2004, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-my-latest-foe-the-european-chafer/241552/19 "2004-04-23T14:12:21Z")
I’m seriously considering changing my sig to _I savor your fear_. ---
**Author:** ![Hamlet](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hamlet/32/2818_2.png) [@Hamlet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hamlet)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2004, 2:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-my-latest-foe-the-european-chafer/241552/20 "2004-04-23T14:27:42Z")
> [@astro](#): > > Well, on intial reading I thought this might be another Coldfire pitting, but I think he uses baby powder. If the prior pittings and rumors I’ve heard are true, I suspect **Coldfire** actually uses powdered babies to help with his chafing. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-my-latest-foe-the-european-chafer/241552.md?page=2)