# An Open Letter to People Who Write Open Letters **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [May 9, 2015, 10:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-people-who-write-open-letters/719657 "2015-05-09T22:16:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Asympotically\_fat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e47c2d/32.png) [@Asympotically\_fat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asympotically_fat)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2015, 10:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-people-who-write-open-letters/719657/1 "2015-05-09T22:16:12Z")
Dear Sir Please don’t. Asympotically Fat, Esq., East Cheam ---
**Author:** ![friedo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8edcca/32.png) [@friedo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/friedo)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2015, 11:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-people-who-write-open-letters/719657/2 "2015-05-09T23:05:12Z")
Dear Sir or Madam: It is sexist to assume that only men write open letters. I demand a public apology for your shameful misogyny and a $1,000 gift card to Scores. ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2015, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-people-who-write-open-letters/719657/3 "2015-05-09T23:37:54Z")
East Cheam? I get the reference, but where does East Cheam end and West Sutton begin? There’s not enough of Cheam to have sides. 😕 ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2015, 1:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-people-who-write-open-letters/719657/4 "2015-05-10T01:02:13Z")
**An Open Letter to People Who Write Open Letters** Just so you know, the inside of the envelope flap is covered with an adhesive. Just place your letter inside the envelope, moisten the flap, and press the flap to the main part of the envelope. ---
**Author:** ![elucidator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8edcca/32.png) [@elucidator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elucidator)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2015, 3:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-people-who-write-open-letters/719657/5 "2015-05-10T03:48:08Z")
Which reminds, why, exactly, did so elegant a thing as sealing wax ever fall out of favor? I think the time has come to talk about that. Also, cabbages. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2015, 4:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-people-who-write-open-letters/719657/6 "2015-05-10T04:55:41Z")
And kings! What’s that? No kings? Well, all right, I guess. Definitely shoes and ships, though. ---
**Author:** ![Senegoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/senegoid/32/6606_2.png) [@Senegoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Senegoid)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2015, 5:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-people-who-write-open-letters/719657/7 "2015-05-10T05:23:14Z")
[“The Vulture and the Husbandman”](http://rpo.library.utoronto.ca/poems/vulture-and-husbandman#poemline-8) – Parody of “The Walrus and the Carpenter” Undergraduates are ploughed (flunked) on Viva-Voce (oral examination) day. Excerpt: > [@](#): > > “If seven D’s or seven C’s > We give to all the crowd, > Do you suppose,” the Vulture said, > “That we could get them ploughed?” > “I think so,” said the Husbandman, > “But pray don’t talk so loud.” > > “O undergraduates, come up,” > The Vulture did beseech, > “And let us see if you can learn > As well as we can teach; > We cannot do with more than two > To have a word with each.” > > Two Undergraduates came up, > And slowly took a seat, > They knit their brows, and bit their thumbs, > As if they found them sweet, > And this was odd, because you know > Thumbs are not good to eat. > > “The time has come,” the Vulture said, > “To talk of many things, > Of Accidence and Adjectives, > And names of Jewish kings, > How many notes a sackbut has, > And whether shawms have strings.” ---
**Author:** ![Morgenstern](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Morgenstern](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morgenstern)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2015, 5:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-people-who-write-open-letters/719657/8 "2015-05-10T05:37:42Z")
> [@elucidator](#): > > Which reminds, why, exactly, did so elegant a thing as sealing wax ever fall out of favor? I think the time has come to talk about that. Also, cabbages. I think it was that magic dragon named Puff. Somehow he used all the sealing wax. ---
**Author:** ![elucidator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8edcca/32.png) [@elucidator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elucidator)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2015, 5:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-people-who-write-open-letters/719657/9 "2015-05-10T05:50:11Z")
Always fancied that stuff. ---
**Author:** ![Stringbean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Stringbean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stringbean)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2015, 6:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-people-who-write-open-letters/719657/10 "2015-05-10T06:30:26Z")
If you’re gonna write me a letter, good sir, at least offer tips on how to get laid. ---
**Author:** ![naita](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/naita/32/5862_2.png) [@naita](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/naita)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2015, 7:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-people-who-write-open-letters/719657/11 "2015-05-10T07:44:04Z")
Dear Sir, Madam or X Your “pitting”, which is not worthy of that label, contains no information about your gripe, nor context about what constituted the final drop that caused your undersized beaker to overflow. The open letter is a perfectly cromulent genre and, even if slightly overused, makes a nice change from the plain old opinion piece. sincerely captain Johnson, Mrs. ---
**Author:** ![Biffy\_the\_Elephant\_Shrew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e47c2d/32.png) [@Biffy\_the\_Elephant\_Shrew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biffy_the_Elephant_Shrew)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2015, 2:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-people-who-write-open-letters/719657/12 "2015-05-10T14:20:36Z")
…in a white wine sauce with shallots, mushrooms and garlic. ---
**Author:** ![El\_Kabong](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/el_kabong/32/496_2.png) [@El\_Kabong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_Kabong)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2015, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-people-who-write-open-letters/719657/13 "2015-05-10T14:57:11Z")
I am currently composing an open letter on the merits of open access, open carry, open marriage, open container laws and open mic nights, which promises to open a can of whoop-ass on the opposition. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Mace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_mace/32/185_2.png) [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2015, 3:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-people-who-write-open-letters/719657/14 "2015-05-10T15:15:04Z")
> [@friedo](#): > > Dear Sir or Madam: > > It is sexist to assume that only men write open letters. I demand a public apology for your shameful misogyny and a $1,000 gift card to Scores. Cisgendered swine!! ---
**Author:** ![Biotop](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biotop/32/321_2.png) [@Biotop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biotop)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2015, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-people-who-write-open-letters/719657/15 "2015-05-10T16:58:42Z")
I once cut myself with a letter opener so I don’t like them. ---
**Author:** ![elucidator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8edcca/32.png) [@elucidator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elucidator)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2015, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-people-who-write-open-letters/719657/16 "2015-05-10T18:10:14Z")
> [@Stringbean](#): > > If you’re gonna write me a letter, good sir, at least offer tips on how to get laid. Lower your standards. Repeat as necessary. ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2015, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-people-who-write-open-letters/719657/17 "2015-05-10T18:10:44Z")
Open letter? Like “U” or “C” ? ---
**Author:** ![Derleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Derleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Derleth)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2015, 11:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-people-who-write-open-letters/719657/18 "2015-05-14T11:35:15Z")
To Whomsoeversomuch It May Concern, As you can see, my grammar is better than yours. I use awkward words which are no longer in dictionaries ever since Those Sorts (Allsorts (Licquoririce)) began writing them, or writing _to_ them, or etc. and _et al._ and Anon. I also use a better (that is, which is to say, more incomprehensible and more verbose) class of spelling, which reflects the language before Noah Webster and Samuel Johnson got their hands upon it. I also have a point, which I am getting to in a flowery and therefore inoffensive (until you think about it) manner, to hide my deeply reactionary, revisionist, retrograde, and revolting views, but I hardly know why I bother, as I am writing to the _Daily Mail_ and/or FOX News, which publishes the truly idiotic in twenty-point type. I remain, as always, sincerely, forever, and ever, and anon, and amen, and, respectfully, dearly, fragrantly, Disgusted, Tumbridge Wells PS: A file format which is not used nearly often enough. PPS: What comes after one of those files. PPPS: Be very, very quiet! PPPPS: I am the Village Green Preservation Society Also, to tack this on, here, at the end, do you know where to find some more green ink? I have a mathematics paper to publish. ---
**Author:** ![BubbaDog](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bubbadog/32/333_2.png) [@BubbaDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BubbaDog)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2015, 1:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-people-who-write-open-letters/719657/19 "2015-05-14T13:42:51Z")
Whattayou got against open letters? An unopened letter remains unsuccessful until it is opened. What do you have against success? Why do you hate America? ---
**Author:** ![elucidator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8edcca/32.png) [@elucidator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elucidator)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2015, 2:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-people-who-write-open-letters/719657/20 "2015-05-14T14:01:52Z")
Dear God: Da fuq? Yours, Me. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/an-open-letter-to-people-who-write-open-letters/719657.md?page=2)