# And the award for "Dirtiest Joke on Network Television" goes to... **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [May 23, 2006, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909 "2006-05-23T15:25:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2006, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/1 "2006-05-23T15:25:16Z")
Well, that’s up to you dopers. A few rules: 1. It has be a joke from a broadcast network–ABC, NBC, CBS, PBS, Fox, WB, or UPN. HBO, FX, and other cable networks not constrained by FCC rules are disqualified. 1a. Unless, of course, it’s a REALLY good joke. 1. Tell the joke, giving as much context as you feel necessary to get the funny across. I started to add “And \*Family Guy \* is disqualified so that somebody else has a chance,” given that FG probably has more bestiality jokes than the rest of TV put together, but I thought that would be unfair. Plus it would eliminate my own fiirst nomination: In a second-season FG, Brian leaves Quahog to seek his fortune in Hollywood and finds work as a porn director. Escorted to the set of his first assignment, he meets Jenna Jameson, who sees him and says in a bored voice, “Do I have to have sex with the dog in this one?” Next? ---
**Author:** ![Trunk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/87869e/32.png) [@Trunk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trunk)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2006, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/2 "2006-05-23T15:30:17Z")
The Family Guy Pinocchio sequence is pretty risquè. Gepetto bends over in front of Pinocchio and says, “Did you take that cookie from the cookie jar?” and when Pinocchio tells him the truth, Gepetto pesters him about it, “I won’t be mad if you say you didn’t take it.” That’s gotta be pushing the limits. ---
**Author:** ![Finagle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/b19c9b/32.png) [@Finagle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Finagle)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2006, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/3 "2006-05-23T15:30:46Z")
> [@Skald the Rhymer](#): > > Escorted to the set of his first assignment, he meets Jenna Jameson, who sees him and says in a bored voice, “Do I have to have sex with the dog in this one?” You think that’s dirtier than the same episode’s “Hey, I licked my share of peanut butter…”? I don’t know about dirtiest, but one of my favorites is the “Kegelcizer” on Futurama. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2006, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/4 "2006-05-23T15:32:43Z")
> [@Finagle](#): > > I don’t know about dirtiest, but one of my favorites is the “Kegelcizer” on Futurama. Which part of “tell the joke” do you not understand? :mad: ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2006, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/5 "2006-05-23T15:38:43Z")
Arrested Development and The Simpsons can both get pretty out there. AD had more than its share of not only anal sex jokes [Tobias’s “analrapist” title and business card], but incest-related story lines. I’ll try to remember some specific jokes. Anyone remember the setup for Lucille’s line about the “musty old claptrap?” The Simpsons famously had a store marquee reading “Sneed’s Feed and Seed (formerly Chuck’s),” implying the place had been called Chuck’s Fuck and Suck. ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2006, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/6 "2006-05-23T15:39:55Z")
> [@Skald the Rhymer](#): > > Which part of “tell the joke” do you not understand? :mad: Fry (I think?) is walking through a future gym. There’s a woman sitting a machine called the Kegelcizer. We don’t see her do anything but grunt, but we can see that she’s raising and lowering a heavy weight. ---
**Author:** ![Merijeek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f05b48/32.png) [@Merijeek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Merijeek)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2006, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/7 "2006-05-23T15:47:06Z")
Nah…it’s in the episode where Peter goes to the sperm bank. On his way out he passes two lesbians who want to make a ‘withdrawl’. One of the lesbians says something along the lines of, “We’d like an applicator that’s shaped like Jodie Foster’s knuckle.” -Joe ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2006, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/8 "2006-05-23T15:47:17Z")
“Ward, don’t you think you were a little hard on the Beaver last night?” ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2006, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/9 "2006-05-23T15:50:09Z")
Right now all the replies are about seafood–Sushi in Seattle, etc. What the hell is that about? The lesbians? 😕 ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2006, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/10 "2006-05-23T15:51:52Z")
> [@Skald the Rhymer](#): > > Right now all the \*\*replies \*\* are about seafood–Sushi in Seattle, etc. What the hell is that about? The lesbians? 😕 By replies, I mean, of course, **ads**. ---
**Author:** ![Kamino\_Neko](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kamino_neko/32/34_2.png) [@Kamino\_Neko](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kamino_Neko)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2006, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/11 "2006-05-23T16:04:23Z")
> [@Marley23](#): > > Fry (I think?) is walking through a future gym. Fry, Leela, Zoidberg, Amy and Bender. ---
**Author:** ![Slacker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6bbea6/32.png) [@Slacker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slacker)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2006, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/12 "2006-05-23T16:15:25Z")
On **Arrested Development** , Michael, concerned about his stressed out mother, talks to his uncle (with whom she’s having an affair) about visiting her so she can unwind. He hates to ask, but he wants them to have sex. Unfortunately, Uncle Oscar thinks Michael is asking him to get his mother high. Oscar: “I wonder how I’ll get it in her.” Michael: “I don’t need any details.” Oscar: “Maybe I’ll stick it in her brownie…” Michael: “Hey!” Kegelcizing was mentioned in AD at least once too. Michael interrupts Lindsey as she’s working out in the living room. They chat for a few minutes and he walks away, at which point she says, “And… release.” And of course almost everything that Tobias says is pretty racy. Especially when he ended up working at a combination restaurant/strip club in Lake Tahoe (I think). The manager makes him do the tough jobs: Manager: “Tobias! Deliver that tuna sandwich to table three, and flip the cushions in the grind room!” Tobias: “Great! Now I’m going to be smelling to high heaven of a tuna melt all day!” One more random one from AD? How about when G.O.B. impulsively bought a boat called “The Seaward” just so he could talk to the model sitting on it at a boat show. G.O.B. was trying to explain its merits to Michael when their mother appeared in the door. Michael finished the conversation, saying “Get rid of the Seaward.” His mother responded, “I’m not going anywhere.” ---
**Author:** ![thirdname](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/d07c76/32.png) [@thirdname](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thirdname)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2006, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/13 "2006-05-23T16:16:39Z")
I just saw one on Will & Grace. There’s this kid about 13 who’s Jack’s (the really gay guy) son or something. He and Karen (the buxom drinker) don’t like each other, so Jack tries to make them get along. After Jack leaves they make up and become friends and make prank phone calls together. As the kid is leaving, he says: ELLIOT: Hey, do you think I could come back some time and play with your X-Box? KAREN: Anytime, kid. She smiles at him and he leaves. She turns around, picks up an X-Box controller from the table and says: KAREN: Oh! Well, would you look at that? This game is called an X-Box. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2006, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/14 "2006-05-23T16:22:04Z")
> [@riker1384](#): > > I just saw one on Will & Grace. There’s this kid about 13 who’s Jack’s (the really gay guy) son or something. He and Karen (the buxom drinker) don’t like each other, so Jack tries to make them get along. After Jack leaves they make up and become friends and make prank phone calls together. As the kid is leaving, he says: > > ELLIOT: Hey, do you think I could come back some time and play with your X-Box? > KAREN: Anytime, kid. > > She smiles at him and he leaves. She turns around, picks up an X-Box controller from the table and says: > > KAREN: Oh! Well, would you look at that? This game is called an X-Box. I saw that on Lifetime yesterday too; it inspired this thread. So GET OUT OF MY HEAD!! ---
**Author:** ![Enginerd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/bcef8e/32.png) [@Enginerd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enginerd)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2006, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/15 "2006-05-23T16:23:15Z")
There’s another entry from Sunday’s Family Guy: Quagmire buys an RV and announces his intentions to drive across America and “nail a chick in every state.” Brian, reading Quagmire’s work from the (off-screen) vehicle, says “Quagmire’s Cross Country tour… hey, isn’t there a ‘U’ in country?” Quagmire: nuh uh! ---
**Author:** ![muldoonthief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muldoonthief/32/3188_2.png) [@muldoonthief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/muldoonthief)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2006, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/16 "2006-05-23T16:23:15Z")
> [@Marley23](#): > > Anyone remember the setup for Lucille’s line about the “musty old claptrap?” Michael was trying to get Lucille to go to the old family cabin in the mountains for some reason. He suggests she take her new (possibly fictional?) boyfriend with her. She says “What kind of man wants to go into that musty old claptrap?” They look at each other for a few seconds, then Michael replies “Oh, you mean the cabin.” ---
**Author:** ![Rachael\_Rage](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/71c47a/32.png) [@Rachael\_Rage](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachael_Rage)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2006, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/17 "2006-05-23T16:25:08Z")
Up against FG and AD this probably doesn’t stand a chance, but this one surprised me for a more “mainstream” sort of show. On this week’s **House** , Doctors House and Winston are discussing how, long ago, House tried to repair a relationship between his best friend and the best friend’s girlfriend. (I paraphrase) House: So, I went to talk to her… Winston: …and you blew it. House: Technically… (makes “the other way around” gesture) ---
**Author:** ![Biffy\_the\_Elephant\_Shrew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e47c2d/32.png) [@Biffy\_the\_Elephant\_Shrew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biffy_the_Elephant_Shrew)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2006, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/18 "2006-05-23T16:27:10Z")
> [@Slacker](#): > > Michael finished the conversation, saying “Get rid of the Seaward.” His mother responded, “I’m not going anywhere.” Maybe it works better when you hear it spoken out loud, but I had to think about that one for five minutes before I got it. ---
**Author:** ![Rachael\_Rage](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/71c47a/32.png) [@Rachael\_Rage](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachael_Rage)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2006, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/19 "2006-05-23T16:29:13Z")
> [@vaderspal](#): > > Up against FG and AD this probably doesn’t stand a chance, but this one surprised me for a more “mainstream” sort of show. On this week’s **House** , Doctors House and Winston are discussing how, long ago, House tried to repair a relationship between his best friend and the best friend’s girlfriend. (I paraphrase) > > House: So, I went to talk to her… > Winston: …and you blew it. > House: Technically… (makes “the other way around” gesture) _Last_ week’s **House** , I mean. :smack: The actors really sold the moment too. There wasn’t any more dialogue after that, but their faces were priceless. ---
**Author:** ![Ogre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecb155/32.png) [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2006, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/20 "2006-05-23T16:30:15Z")
> [@Enginerd](#): > > There’s another entry from Sunday’s Family Guy: Quagmire buys an RV and announces his intentions to drive across America and “nail a chick in every state.” Brian, reading Quagmire’s work from the (off-screen) vehicle, says “Quagmire’s Cross Country tour… hey, isn’t there a ‘U’ in country?” > > Quagmire: nuh uh! I don’t geddit. Is it supposed to be “isn’t there an ‘O’ in country?” [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909.md?page=2)