# And the award for "Dirtiest Joke on Network Television" goes to... **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [May 23, 2006, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909 "2006-05-23T15:25:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2006, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/61 "2006-05-24T01:53:53Z")
[QUOTE=Slacker] Help a brother out? [/QUOTE] [Sugar Walls](http://youtube.com/watch?v=RSvzkzwqIjg) ---
**Author:** ![Achren](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/898d66/32.png) [@Achren](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Achren)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2006, 2:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/62 "2006-05-24T02:45:09Z")
**Veronica Mars.** Veronica (high-school PI type) is talking to Weevil (leader of the local (mostly hispanic) gang). He says something that isn’t news to her and she responds “shocker” with a boy scouts hand sign, which Weevil then tries to fix to proper “shocker” position. Later in the conversation, he says he isn’t Dirty Harry and Veronica asks “How about Dirty Sanchez?” Same show, different episode. Logan (rich, spoiled son of a movie star) is working on a school project with Wallace (Veronica’s friend and sidekick) in the hotel suite he’s staying at. There’s a knock at the door and Logan answers it, turning to Wallace to tell him “My fluffer’s here.” ---
**Author:** ![Achren](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/898d66/32.png) [@Achren](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Achren)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2006, 2:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/63 "2006-05-24T02:49:28Z")
[QUOTE=Achren] **Veronica Mars.** Veronica (high-school PI type) is talking to Weevil (leader of the local (mostly hispanic) gang). He says something that isn’t news to her and she responds “shocker” with a boy scouts hand sign, which Weevil then tries to fix to proper “shocker” position. Later in the conversation, he says he isn’t Dirty Harry and Veronica asks “How about Dirty Sanchez?” Same show, different episode. Logan (rich, spoiled son of a movie star) is working on a school project with Wallace (Veronica’s friend and sidekick) in the hotel suite he’s staying at. There’s a knock at the door and Logan answers it, turning to Wallace to tell him “My fluffer’s here.” [/QUOTE] blast, hit the wrong button - I should add that we see the girl at Logan’s door (in a hotel uniform) and she’s holding a pillow. Because what’s sexual connotation without plausible deniability? ---
**Author:** ![Rachael\_Rage](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/71c47a/32.png) [@Rachael\_Rage](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachael_Rage)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2006, 3:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/64 "2006-05-24T03:20:28Z")
[QUOTE=Wee Bairn] And of course the “my hairy aunt” Wheel of Fortune joke in Family Guy. [/QUOTE] Not everyone on this board is a FG junkie. Please, everyone. Honor the OP and tell _all_ jokes in full! > [@Larry Mudd](#): > > That’s pretty tame when compared with the episode from a couple of weeks ago where Cameron was upset about House’s lack of empathy for a patient who’d had a colonoscopy without any pain meds or sedatives: > > Cameron: Do you have any idea what it feels like to have a six-foot long hose shoved into your large intestine? > > House: No. But I now have a much greater respect for whichever basketball player you dated in college. > > Jaw –\> Lap. :eek: I knew there was a reason I love that show. I think that just might win. And, it’s a _drama_, no less! ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2006, 3:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/65 "2006-05-24T03:35:22Z")
From an episode of the Simpsons, where they discover gold underneath Springfield: Kent Brockman: From now on, we’ll all be taking golden showers! \ Kent Brockman: What? I like it because the real joke is not the entendre itself, but the fact that Brockman doesn’t know what a golden shower is. ---
**Author:** ![Mahaloth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mahaloth/32/1079_2.png) [@Mahaloth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mahaloth)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2006, 3:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/66 "2006-05-24T03:39:05Z")
[QUOTE=Frostillicus] I don’t know if this is apochypal or not, but I heard that Johnny Carson once interviewed Zsa Zsa Gabor on the Tonight Show. She brought her pet cat with her and was stroking the cat as it sat on her lap during the interview. At one point, she asked Johnny: “Do you want to pet my pussy?” Johnny allegedly replied: “Sure. Move the cat.” [/QUOTE] Im sorry, **Frostillicus**. I’ve made mistakes. I’m not a perfect poster. But that post is almost like asking about words ending in “gry”. Do a little research before responding with ridiculous statements. Funny thing is, I never critique posts. I’m too “easy going guy” to do it. But honestly, the “pussy” story? Everyone with 1% brain knows its false. :ducks and runs: ---
**Author:** ![Sublight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/439d5e/32.png) [@Sublight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sublight)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2006, 3:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/67 "2006-05-24T03:48:17Z")
[QUOTE=vaderspal] Not everyone on this board is a FG junkie. Please, everyone. Honor the OP and tell _all_ jokes in full! [/QUOTE] The WoF clue: GO \_UCK YOURSELF Contestant: I’d like to solve the puzzle. “Go Tuck Youself In” Host: That’s right! Chris (watching TV with Peter): Gee, dad, you were really close. Peter: Yeah, I still can’t believe I missed “My Hairy Aunt”. ---
**Author:** ![Sublight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/439d5e/32.png) [@Sublight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sublight)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2006, 3:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/68 "2006-05-24T03:54:16Z")
[QUOTE=edwino] Although AD and FG routinely take the cake, I still think the dirties thing I’ve ever seen on the networks is Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog. One episode of _Conan_ comes to mind where Triumph was on Hollywood Squares. He was asked the obvious set-up question: Host: “Triumph, for the X, your question is: How often do veterenarians recommend cutting your dog’s hair?” Triumph: “Well sir, I don’t believe in shaving dogs. But shaved pussies on the other hand…” [/QUOTE] Also on Hollywood Squares, the host asks Triumph a question and he gives a rather distracted, rambling answer. The camera then cuts to a side view and we see a poodle sitting in the booth under the desk with her nose buried in Triumph’s crotch. ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2006, 4:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/69 "2006-05-24T04:06:06Z")
**Northern Exposure** Hollis (really old guy married to a cheerleader barely old enough to legally drink alcohol) goes to the town doctor, Dr. Joel Flieschman (a total fish out of water type character, usually kind of stuffy in contrast to the towns people’s wackiness) for a check up. Let’s listen in… Fleischman: “I need a stool sample, a urine sample, and a semen sample.” Hollis: “Come again?” Fleischman: “No, once is enough.” ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2006, 1:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/70 "2006-05-24T13:36:17Z")
[QUOTE=Mahaloth] **Hawkeye says, “Well, it’s like I always say, ‘Behind every great man is a women with an excellent vibrator.’”** [/QUOTE] Not to nitpick, but your misquote is more bogus than radical. Hawkeye never said “excellent.” ---
**Author:** ![volvelle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/e0b2c6/32.png) [@volvelle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/volvelle)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2006, 2:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/71 "2006-05-24T14:36:04Z")
Well, if we’re going with Hollywood Squares quotes, you can’t leave out Paul Lynde. Peter Marshall: What is a pullet? Paul Lynde: A little show of affection… Peter Marshall: Burt Reynolds is quoted as saying, “Dinah (Shore)'s in top form. I’ve never known anyone to be so completely able to throw herself into a…” A what? Paul Lynde: A headboard. Peter Marshall: Is it normal for Norwegians to talk to trees? Paul Lynde: As long as that’s as far as it goes. Peter Marshall: Is using an electric vibrating machine a good way to lose weight? Paul Lynde: That’s what I told the saleslady, but she just winked. ---
**Author:** ![Hung\_Mung](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a88e4f/32.png) [@Hung\_Mung](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hung_Mung)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2006, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/72 "2006-05-24T14:58:53Z")
I’m certain Charles Nelson Reilly and Brett Somers exchanged barbs repeatedly on The Match Game but I’m have a hell of a time finding or remembering them… ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2006, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/73 "2006-05-24T15:14:03Z")
I was amazed they got away with this on one of the earliest episodes of Star Trek: TOS back in the 1960s: **Sulu** (suffering from alien intoxication, convinced he’s a swashbuckler): I’ll save you, fair maiden! **Uhura** : Sorry, neither. ---
**Author:** ![JohnM](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/848f3c/32.png) [@JohnM](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnM)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2006, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/74 "2006-05-24T15:42:40Z")
Only the punch line, but the joke is too dirty for TV so it’s as much as they could get away with. On an episode of Homicide > [@Det. Meldrick Lewis](#): > > … so the bear says, "You didn’t really come here to hunt, did you? ---
**Author:** ![Meltdown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Meltdown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Meltdown)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2006, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/75 "2006-05-24T16:19:54Z")
Another from “Arrested Development” Michael has just hired Justine Bateman to work at his office, unaware that she’s actually a prostitute. He’s out of the office and is talking to one of his staff on the phone about her. We only hear his side of the conversation (and I’m paraphrasing). Michael: “How’s she working out? {pause} Really? {pause} You have to say “away” at the end of that, otherwise it sounds like… uh huh. {pause} That’s good to hear. {pause} You forgot to say ‘away’ again…” Michael (now off the phone): “He says she’s blowing everyone away!” ---
**Author:** ![Biggirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biggirl/32/3294_2.png) [@Biggirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biggirl)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2006, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/76 "2006-05-24T16:33:30Z")
This one is really, really old. There used to be a show that came on late at night when I was young. It was an import from Australia called The Kenny Evertte Show. It was a skit comedy show. One re-occuring segment was a cartoon in which Kenny was a hero astronaut with a stupid, sexy assistant. Kenny and the assistant save the world again and his boss offers them a plaque that depicts the two of them: Boss: Would you like to have them mounted? Kenny: No, holding hands will be fine. ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Carnage](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/max_carnage/32/12775_2.png) [@Max\_Carnage](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Carnage)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2006, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/77 "2006-05-24T16:50:37Z")
**Futurama** Earth goes to war against the Ball planet and wins. Next morning’s headline: _Balls Thouroughly Licked_ According to the DVD commentary, the original headline before they were made to change it was: _Earth Licks Balls_ ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Carnage](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/max_carnage/32/12775_2.png) [@Max\_Carnage](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Carnage)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2006, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/78 "2006-05-24T16:53:08Z")
Today’s headline: _Max Carnage coding licks balls_ ---
**Author:** ![CookingWithGas](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cookingwithgas/32/485_2.png) [@CookingWithGas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CookingWithGas)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2006, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/79 "2006-05-24T16:53:31Z")
[QUOTE=JohnM] Only the punch line, but the joke is too dirty for TV so it’s as much as they could get away with. On an episode of Homicide > [@Det. Meldrick Lewis](#): > > … so the bear says, "You didn’t really come here to hunt, did you? [/QUOTE] OK, what’s the whole joke? ---
**Author:** ![Slacker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6bbea6/32.png) [@Slacker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slacker)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2006, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/80 "2006-05-24T16:53:39Z")
I loved Bender’s line in that episode when the negotiations were breaking down: _These balls are making me testy!_ [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909.md?page=5)