# And the award for "Dirtiest Joke on Network Television" goes to... **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [May 23, 2006, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909 "2006-05-23T15:25:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Max\_Carnage](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/max_carnage/32/12775_2.png) [@Max\_Carnage](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Carnage)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2006, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/81 "2006-05-24T16:57:53Z")
[QUOTE=CookingWithGas] OK, what’s the whole joke? [/QUOTE] A hunter goes into the woods with a rifle to hunt. He spots a bear and fires at it, but misses. Enraged, the bear charges the hunter, throws him over a fallen log and screws him in the butt. The next day, the angry hunter comes back with a shotgun. He misses the bear again, and the bear again rapes the hunter before heading back to his cave. The next day the hunter brings along a bazooka, but he still can’t hit the bear with his shot. The bear grabs the hunter, bends him over the log and says “You’re not really coming hear to hunt, are ya?” ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2006, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/82 "2006-05-24T17:15:45Z")
The first episode of South Park: “You like her!” “Yeah, you want to hug her and kiss her!” (Kenny says something incomprehensible.) “Dude, gross!” “Yeah, how do you know she even has a cat?” ---
**Author:** ![cbawlmer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/71e660/32.png) [@cbawlmer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cbawlmer)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2006, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/83 "2006-05-24T18:34:17Z")
One more from Veronica Mars. [Veronica is looking at a trophy case.] Weevil: If you’re looking for my trophy, it’s back by auto shop. Veronica: Lube job? Or, can you medal in stealing hub caps? Weevil: Is this 1970? Rims, baby. Veronica: So you got a trophy for a rim job? Weevil: Forget it. Look, I got some information for you. Veronica: Finally! A Deep Throat to call my own. Weevil: I’m not going to touch that one. ---
**Author:** ![Skywatcher](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skywatcher/32/254_2.png) [@Skywatcher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skywatcher)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2006, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/84 "2006-05-24T19:21:36Z")
[QUOTE=volvelle] Well, if we’re going with Hollywood Squares quotes, you can’t leave out Paul Lynde. Peter Marshall: What is a pullet? Paul Lynde: A little show of affection… Peter Marshall: Burt Reynolds is quoted as saying, “Dinah (Shore)'s in top form. I’ve never known anyone to be so completely able to throw herself into a…” A what? Paul Lynde: A headboard. Peter Marshall: Is it normal for Norwegians to talk to trees? Paul Lynde: As long as that’s as far as it goes. Peter Marshall: Is using an electric vibrating machine a good way to lose weight? Paul Lynde: That’s what I told the saleslady, but she just winked. [/QUOTE] [More of the same](http://www.classicsquares.com/lyndesquares.html). ---
**Author:** ![Wee\_Bairn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/90db22/32.png) [@Wee\_Bairn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wee_Bairn)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2006, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/85 "2006-05-24T20:47:31Z")
I swear, not more than a week ago on Match Game (74 I think), Richard Dawson, almost assuredly under the influence on scotch and God knows what else, made a comment about having sex with Pebbles and Bam-Bam. I can’t recall specifics, but I thought it was pretty bizarre. ---
**Author:** ![Lightnin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lightnin/32/180_2.png) [@Lightnin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lightnin)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2006, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/86 "2006-05-24T20:49:14Z")
There was the episode of Smallville where Chloe, sort of under the influence, tells a scientist to do a translation because he’s “the cunning linguist”. I love her so. ---
**Author:** ![dasgupta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e56c9b/32.png) [@dasgupta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dasgupta)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2006, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/87 "2006-05-24T21:13:09Z")
[QUOTE=Slacker] I loved Bender’s line in that episode when the negotiations were breaking down: _These balls are making me testy!_ [/QUOTE] And Henry Kissenger’s head’s line: _Please, gentlemen. We must put an end to the bloodshed. We have all seen too many body bags and ball sacks._ ---
**Author:** ![Huerta88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/82dd89/32.png) [@Huerta88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Huerta88)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2006, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/88 "2006-05-24T21:32:46Z")
[QUOTE=Marley23] She actually said “In the ass,” and she wasn’t joking! [/QUOTE] > **['Up the Butt, Bob'](https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/up-the-butt-bob/)** > > Rumor: A 'Newlywed Game' contestant said the 'weirdest place she'd ever made whoopee' was 'up the butt.' ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2006, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/89 "2006-05-24T21:40:35Z")
[QUOTE=Wee Bairn] Can’t recall specifics, but Burns once tastes a delicious drink (flaming moe maybe?) and turns to Smithers and says “it’s like a part in mouth and everyone is invited.” [/QUOTE] I know this has been corrected a few times, but none of them were right. It was the episode where Burns puts together an allstar-calibre softball team, the drink was an old-fashioned health tonic (which Burns said ‘in rare cases has been known to cause gigantism’), and the utterer of the line was Ken Griffey, Jr. Later in the episode Junior’s in the hospital with gigantism. Since my vote would be “Sneed’s Feed and Seed (formerly Chuck’s),” but that’s done, I’ll throw out something from last week’s SNL Weekend Update: “The name of a new restaurant in Scottsdale is stirring up some trouble. The Las Vegas-based Pink Taco Mexican Restaurant is scheduled to open its second location in downtown Scottsdale in June - just south of the Hooters.” ---
**Author:** ![Quint](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/76d3ee/32.png) [@Quint](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quint)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2006, 5:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/90 "2006-05-25T05:40:32Z")
My vote goes to an episode of “The Golden Girls”. Bea Arthur’s character goes to visit a student of her’s who is in the hospital with a broken arm. While there she reads the inscriptions on his cast and says “Let’s just change that one to [Teacher’s name] eats shit…ake mushrooms, OK?” Pretty surprising for a mid 80s sitcom, I was stunned that they got away with it. ---
**Author:** ![WotNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e19b73/32.png) [@WotNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WotNot)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2006, 7:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/91 "2006-05-25T07:44:08Z")
[QUOTE=Biggirl] This one is really, really old. There used to be a show that came on late at night when I was young. It was an import from Australia called The Kenny Evertte Show. It was a skit comedy show. One re-occuring segment was a cartoon in which Kenny was a hero astronaut with a stupid, sexy assistant. Kenny and the assistant save the world again and his boss offers them a plaque that depicts the two of them: Boss: Would you like to have them mounted? Kenny: No, holding hands will be fine. [/QUOTE] Actually, the Kenny Everett Show was British, made by Thames TV, and that may be one of the milder jokes (this is a show where one of the characters was called Cupid Stunt, after all). Try this: Carla: “Captain, can I use your dictaphone?” Kremmen: “No Carla, use your finger like everyone else!” Bear in mind, this programme was broadcast around 7.30 in the evening. ---
**Author:** ![FriarTed](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/friarted/32/1052_2.png) [@FriarTed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FriarTed)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2006, 2:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/92 "2006-05-25T14:21:26Z")
[QUOTE=Slacker] Michael finished the conversation, saying “Get rid of the Seaward.” His mother responded, “I’m not going anywhere.” [/QUOTE] I just had to repeat that twice out loud to myself before I got it! Genius!!! ---
**Author:** ![roshia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/6bbea6/32.png) [@roshia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/roshia)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2006, 4:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/93 "2006-05-26T04:42:25Z")
Nowhere near making the top of this list, and not really all that shocking, but, I loved the scene on _House_ where you see Wilson pacing around the outside of House’s apartment for what is obviously a long time, and finally getting fed up and opening the door. (paraphrased) Wilson: So where is she? House: Who? Wilson: You said not to come in when you have a tie on the door because it means you’re having sex! House: I never said it was with another person. 😃 I love you, House! ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Torque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2006, 2:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/94 "2006-05-26T14:08:15Z")
One from **The Critic** : Orson Welles is doing a commercial for Rosebud Frozen Peas. “Full of country goodness and green peaness. …Wait, that’s terrible, I quit.” ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2006, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/95 "2006-05-26T14:29:51Z")
The Simpsons: Marge goes into a sporting goods store to buy Bart a cup. The sales clerk acts like he can’t understand her. Clerk: Could you spell that please? Marge: Oh, for goodness sake. I wanna cup. I wanna C…U…" ---
**Author:** ![Jenny\_Haniver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e5b9ba/32.png) [@Jenny\_Haniver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jenny_Haniver)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2006, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/96 "2006-05-26T14:32:21Z")
While none of these are nearly as dirty as some of the jokes previously mentioned in this thread, I’m willing the bet that **Gilmore Girls** has the dirtest jokes among TV shows paid for by the _Family Friendly Programming Council_! (Sookie is the chef at the Inn which Lorelai manages) > [@](#): > > [Sookie feeds Lorelai a spoonful of [peach] sauce.] > LORELAI: Oh, dear God Almighty. That’s incredible! > SOOKIE: I want to put it on the waffles tomorrow morning for breakfast. > LORELAI: I want to take a bath in that sauce! > SOOKIE: I will make more! (Rory is Lorelai’s daughter) > [@](#): > > RORY: You’re happy. > LORELAI: Yeah. > RORY: Did you do something slutty? > LORELAI: I’m not _that_ happy. (Rory has just been accepted to an exclusive prep school) > [@](#): > > LORELAI: You did it, babe. You got in. > RORY: How did this happen? You didn’t. . .with the principal, did you? ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Mudd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f14d63/32.png) [@Larry\_Mudd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Mudd)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2006, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/97 "2006-05-26T14:59:53Z")
[QUOTE=Max Torque] One from **The Critic** : Orson Welles is doing a commercial for Rosebud Frozen Peas. “Full of country goodness and green peaness. …Wait, that’s terrible, I quit.” [/QUOTE] Somehow, they managed to make that gag _less_ funny than the [unvarnished truth](http://ubu.wfmu.org/sound/365/03/365-Days-Project-03-01-welles-orson-frozen-peas-spot.mp3). (3.7mb .mp3 link.) > [@](#): > > Get me a jury and show me how you can say “_In_ July,” and I’ll… go down on you. That’s just idiotic, if you’ll forgive me for saying so. I love that man. (And he’s absolutely right and working for cretins.) ---
**Author:** ![Ludovic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ab992/32.png) [@Ludovic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludovic)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2006, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/98 "2006-05-26T15:33:16Z")
There was another gag on the Simpson’s Christmas episode with the ball-sack joke that I also couldn’t believe got on the air, but I don’t remember it. In another Simpsons episode, Homer was telling Burns how a zoo had two male pandas and got them to mate, successfully. Burns then expresses contempt for those “Chinese bamboo gobblers.” ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2006, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/99 "2006-05-26T15:38:08Z")
> [@](#): > > There was another gag on the Simpson’s Christmas episode with the ball-sack joke that I also couldn’t believe got on the air, but I don’t remember it. > > In another Simpsons episode, Homer was telling Burns how a zoo had two male pandas and got them to mate, successfully. Burns then expresses contempt for those “Chinese bamboo gobblers.” Okay – every time I think I’ve got it figured out, someone comes up with a new sex term I’ve never heard of. I don’t understand this. can you explain it? It has to be more complex than “bamboo = penis”, right? ---
**Author:** ![Merijeek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f05b48/32.png) [@Merijeek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Merijeek)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2006, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/100 "2006-05-26T15:41:59Z")
[QUOTE=CalMeacham] Okay – every time I think I’ve got it figured out, someone comes up with a new sex term I’ve never heard of. I don’t understand this. can you explain it? It has to be more complex than “bamboo = penis”, right? [/QUOTE] Not really. That added to Pandas eating bamboo. -Joe [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909.md?page=6)