# And the award for "Dirtiest Joke on Network Television" goes to... **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [May 23, 2006, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909 "2006-05-23T15:25:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Ludovic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ab992/32.png) [@Ludovic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludovic)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2006, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/101 "2006-05-26T16:24:48Z")
Now I remember the other joke. Skinner tries to make Willy destroy a hole that Bart was building to try to get them out of a snowed-in school. Willy finally refuses, saying “that’s the last time you’ll slap your Willy around!” ---
**Author:** ![ddgryphon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/8c91f0/32.png) [@ddgryphon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ddgryphon)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2006, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/102 "2006-05-26T16:24:54Z")
Nowhere near the top of the list but amazingly surprising nonetheless: Fox and Friends (this isn’t the pit – I also listen to All Things Considered and Dennis Praeger, so chill) this morning 5/26/06: Lauren Greene is tossing back to Steve Ducey after some film failed to play while she related a story about two silos being imploded or taken down: Lauren: Well, I don’t have any pictures, I thought we did but my equipment isn’t working. Let’s go back to Steve, who may not have any pictures if his equipment isn’t working either. Steve: Thanks, Lauren for worrying about my equipment. (This is a rough paraphrase, but the “Thanks for (worrying, being concerned, thinking) about my equipment” is exactly what he said. In that, wink, wink, nudge, nudge kindof way. I simply found it amazing that something like that would be on that show. ---
**Author:** ![Ludovic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ab992/32.png) [@Ludovic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludovic)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2006, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/103 "2006-05-26T16:28:59Z")
Can we do another Simpsons? I knew we could! Patty and Selma are watching TV. One has a nightgown with the partially-obscured logo “SEXT \_UNT”. When she moves you can read the full logo: “SEXY AUNT”. ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2006, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/104 "2006-05-26T16:58:15Z")
[QUOTE=volvelle] OK, mildly risque, but what follows is (I believe) the most subtle dirty joke ever insetred into a TV show. That evening, Homer throws the fireworks into the dishwasher, blowing it, and the dishes inside, to pieces. Normally, this seems like the sort of thing that would upset Marge, but the next scene shows her the following morning absentmindedly washing the broken and charred dishes by hand, humming contentedly to herself and looking dreamily into the distance. All of which leads me to believe that whatever sex act involves alcohol, condoms, enemas, porn and panty shields, they did and she enjoyed. [/QUOTE] I don’t think we’re supposed to believe that, since Homer only got those other items to distract from the order of illegal fireworks. Regardless, your warped, filthy mind shows that you are an ideal Fox viewer. ---
**Author:** ![volvelle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/e0b2c6/32.png) [@volvelle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/volvelle)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2006, 12:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/105 "2006-05-28T12:45:41Z")
I’m not saying he got the items _specifically for that purpose_–they were, as you said, covers–just that Marge’s “I don’t know what you had in mind” line may have inspired some ideas. Watch it again and tell me that isn’t a look of post-freak contentment on her face. But, yes, there is a reason I rarely express this theory to anyone. ---
**Author:** ![mobo85](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b19c9b/32.png) [@mobo85](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mobo85)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2006, 10:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/106 "2006-05-28T22:40:53Z")
[QUOTE=Marley23] I don’t think we’re supposed to believe that, since Homer only got those other items to distract from the order of illegal fireworks. [/QUOTE] According to the DVD commentary, that scene was a parody of a similar scene in _American Graffiti_. ---
**Author:** ![Biffy\_the\_Elephant\_Shrew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e47c2d/32.png) [@Biffy\_the\_Elephant\_Shrew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biffy_the_Elephant_Shrew)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2006, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/107 "2006-05-28T23:10:01Z")
[QUOTE=mobo85] According to the DVD commentary, that scene was a parody of a similar scene in _American Graffiti_. [/QUOTE] Yeah, the tip-off is the bottle of “Old Harper,” which is the whiskey that Terry the Toad tries to buy in that scene in _American Graffiti_. ---
**Author:** ![Sublight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/439d5e/32.png) [@Sublight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sublight)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2006, 1:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/108 "2006-05-29T01:29:57Z")
[QUOTE=Ludovic] Now I remember the other joke. Skinner tries to make Willy destroy a hole that Bart was building to try to get them out of a snowed-in school. Willy finally refuses, saying “that’s the last time you’ll slap your Willy around!” [/QUOTE] In a similar vein, Willy puts a note on the thermostat while he’s working on the furnace: DO NOT TOUCH -WILLY Homer then reads it out loud and comments “Huh, good advice.” before turning up the thermostat and incinerating Willy. ---
**Author:** ![cbawlmer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/71e660/32.png) [@cbawlmer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cbawlmer)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2006, 7:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/109 "2006-05-29T07:02:58Z")
[QUOTE=Marley23] I don’t think we’re supposed to believe that, since Homer only got those other items to distract from the order of illegal fireworks. Regardless, your warped, filthy mind shows that you are an ideal Fox viewer. [/QUOTE] I must be as well, because I also always thought that was the joke. ---
**Author:** ![Martini\_Enfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/martini_enfield/32/11123_2.png) [@Martini\_Enfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Martini_Enfield)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2006, 7:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/110 "2006-05-29T07:49:26Z")
_Little Britain_ amazes me with it’s ability to get away with the most outrageous stuff on broadcast TV- particularly anything involing [Daffyd Thomas](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daffyd_Thomas), “The only gay in the village” (part of the joke is that pretty much everyone in the village is gay, lesbian, or bisexual/bi-curious, and no-one gives the tiniest shit that he’s gay). Pretty much any sketch involving Daffyd will also have at least one character (often an old lady or other unlikely candidate) telling him (or another character) that “What the boy needs is a good hard cock up his arse”, or that he’s missing out on some “Bum Fun” :eek: Family Guy always has the best “Dirty Jokes”, though. In one of the recent episodes, after the Griffin House is possessed by a Poltergeist, the Griffins seek refuge at Quagmire’s place. Quagmire answers the door in nappies and a baby bonnet (with a pacifier around his neck), and gives some rather vague answers to the Griffins, finally saying (after we see a woman on a sheep and a naked man driving a tractor in his hallway) “As you can see, my family’s over and it’s game night. We’re playing… Sex”, before he closes the door. Other great Quagmire moments include a scene where he’s been despatched by Lois to annoy a girl called Connie: **Quagmire** : Hey there, sweetie! How old are you? **Connie** : 16. **Quagmire** : 18? Your first! **Connie** : MOM! **Quagmire** : I like where this is going! Giggidy, giggidy, gi-gi-dy! And another off-the-cuff one-liner (“_I felt guilty once, but she woke up halfway through_” )had me amazed they got it on the air, and then there’s the scene where Quagmire comments: “_Dear Diary: Jackpot!_” after finding a tied-up highschool cheerleader in a toilet stall… classic Quagmire, in short. 😃 Actually, anything with Quagmire in it is guaranteed to be offensive… probably part of the reason I love the show so much! 😃 And whilst not “Dirty”, I laughed hysterically at a sequence in the recent episode where Peter’s re-telling the Griffin Family History, which starts with the conventional theory of Evolution, before Peter says “I’m also legally obligated by the State of Kansas to present the Church’s alternative view on Creation”, which then shows Jeannie (from [I Dream of Jeannie](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I_Dream_of_Jeannie)) appearing out of the water and creating everything in existence (from animals, to people, to petrol, to cars, to Jesus and Santa) by crossing her arms and nodding (as in the TV show), whilst the theme for _I Dream of Jeannie_ plays. I had to pause for breath after seeing that… probably the funniest thing I’ve seen so far this year! ---
**Author:** ![volvelle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/e0b2c6/32.png) [@volvelle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/volvelle)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2006, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/111 "2006-05-29T14:56:48Z")
[QUOTE=cbawlmer] I must be as well, because I also always thought that was the joke. [/QUOTE] I’m so glad I’m not alone anymore. Not the dirtiest joke Family Guy has ever had, but I thought it was a nice, understated touch: In the episode where Meg joins the school’s Lesbian club just to have some friends, a poster advertising said club can be seen hanging on the wall in the background. Instead of a date for the meeting, the poster has “See You Next Tuesday!” written at the bottom. ---
**Author:** ![Eutychus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a3d4f5/32.png) [@Eutychus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eutychus)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2006, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/112 "2006-05-29T15:40:25Z")
I’m surprised no one came up with the old Groucho line. On his old TV show, he had a contestant who had an abnormally large number of children. Groucho replied “Look, I have a cigar in my mouth, but I take it out every now and again.” Pretty risque for the 50’s. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2006, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/113 "2006-05-29T15:49:14Z")
[QUOTE=Eutychus] I’m surprised no one came up with the old Groucho line. On his old TV show, he had a contestant who had an abnormally large number of children. Groucho replied “Look, I have a cigar in my mouth, but I take it out every now and again.” Pretty risque for the 50’s. [/QUOTE] [Unca Cecil’s take](http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a2_024.html). TOO risque for the 50’s. ---
**Author:** ![Monstre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e274bd/32.png) [@Monstre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monstre)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2006, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/114 "2006-05-29T16:57:14Z")
There was a recent exchange from _Scrubs_ that deserves telling: In the lunchroom, Elliot has been telling Jordan (both women) about how she doesn’t like her boyfriend’s last name. Jordan chimes in about her ex-husband, Dr. Cox… **Jordan** : You know, one of the reasons I divorced Perry was because of his last name. **Elliot** : You don’t like Cox? **Jordan** : Actually, I love Cox! **The Todd** (coming up to the table): Greatest conversation ever! ---
**Author:** ![thirdname](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/d07c76/32.png) [@thirdname](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thirdname)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2006, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/115 "2006-05-29T17:01:41Z")
[QUOTE=volvelle] In the episode where Meg joins the school’s Lesbian club just to have some friends, a poster advertising said club can be seen hanging on the wall in the background. Instead of a date for the meeting, the poster has “See You Next Tuesday!” written at the bottom. [/QUOTE] I don’t get it. ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Mudd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f14d63/32.png) [@Larry\_Mudd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Mudd)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2006, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/116 "2006-05-29T17:12:42Z")
[QUOTE=riker1384] I don’t get it. [/QUOTE] See ( **C** ) You ( **U** ) **N** ext **T** uesday. More of a UK thing, really. ---
**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2006, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/117 "2006-05-29T17:19:17Z")
[QUOTE=Martini Enfield] _Little Britain_ amazes me with it’s ability to get away with the most outrageous stuff on broadcast TV- particularly anything involing [Daffyd Thomas](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daffyd_Thomas), “The only gay in the village” (part of the joke is that pretty much everyone in the village is gay, lesbian, or bisexual/bi-curious, and no-one gives the tiniest shit that he’s gay). Pretty much any sketch involving Daffyd will also have at least one character (often an old lady or other unlikely candidate) telling him (or another character) that “What the boy needs is a good hard cock up his arse”, or that he’s missing out on some “Bum Fun” :eek: [/QUOTE] Well, if we’re going to include British television, that doesn’t even make it onto the radar screen. In one episode of Green Wing, the crazy Scottish woman was infatuated with a man in a coma and wanted to have his baby, so she masturbated him under a sheet. You could see her hand moving up and down. At one point, she put her other hand down there, and from the angles, it was obvious she was sticking a finger up his butt. Later it cut to her in her office, lying on her back on her desk with her legs flung in the air and wearing a miniskirt. It actually showed her inserting the turkey baster, though, again, the skirt blocked any actual view. I was laughing like mad, which was difficult to do with my jaw on the floor. ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Mudd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f14d63/32.png) [@Larry\_Mudd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Mudd)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2006, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/118 "2006-05-29T17:32:51Z")
[QUOTE=Smeghead] Well, if we’re going to include British television, that doesn’t even make it onto the radar screen. [/QUOTE] Anything outside of American network TV, really. Hell, even our state-subsidized entertainment is a little too much for commercial broadcast TV a little farther south, I think. Off the top of my head, there’s the _Kids in the Hall_ sketch where a pair of suburban couples’ demonstration of how comfortable and “natural” they are with each other at a dinner party (starting with the loosening of a belt after the meal) leads up to penetrative wife-swapping action on the dinging-room table and a male-male declaration of “You’re next, buddy – I want you in me!” – god bless the CBC. ---
**Author:** ![Lakai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/9de0a6/32.png) [@Lakai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lakai)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2006, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/119 "2006-05-29T17:51:15Z")
Simpsons Bestiality from the episode where Troy McClure is marring Selma. The mafia guys just find out McClure it alive: Louie: Hey, I thought you said Troy McClure was dead. Tony: No, what I said was: “He sleeps with the fishes”. ---
**Author:** ![mamboman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ecb155/32.png) [@mamboman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mamboman)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2006, 9:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/120 "2006-05-29T21:09:23Z")
An episode of _Scrubs_, Dr Cox is claiming that sex is a lot like sport - racquetball, in fact - you go hard for half an hour, work up a sweat and hope not to get hit in the eye. mm [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909.md?page=7)