# And the award for "Dirtiest Joke on Network Television" goes to... **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [May 23, 2006, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909 "2006-05-23T15:25:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 12\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![sneezy5660](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6a8cbe/32.png) [@sneezy5660](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sneezy5660)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2006, 3:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/121 "2006-05-30T03:22:24Z")
Another M_A_S\*H one: Whilst in the operating room, Hawkeye is hitting on the nurses as usual. Frank: “Are you gonna knock that off?” Hawkeye: “That’s what I’m trying to find out!” 😃 ---
**Author:** ![KJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b2d939/32.png) [@KJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KJ)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2006, 5:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/122 "2006-05-30T05:47:50Z")
One more from Family Guy, because it’s just so easy: In the episode where Lois becomes a stripper, she walks into a bar and somebody shouts “Hey, take your jacket off!” Then everybody chants “Jacket off! Jacket off!” I didn’t get that joke until the second time I saw the episode. There was a great joke on The Daily Show a few months back. They showed a clip of Sharon Stone saying “I was asked to come here, and I came in my faith” then Jon says “I’m just gonna hope she doesn’t have a lisp.” The best part was the 5 seconds of silence followed by laughter and applause as everybody (including me) finally got the joke. ---
**Author:** ![KJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b2d939/32.png) [@KJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KJ)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2006, 5:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/123 "2006-05-30T05:52:57Z")
And I just realized, that one doesn’t count because it wasn’t on network TV. Never mind. It was still funny. ---
**Author:** ![Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/troy_mcclure_sf/32/4150_2.png) [@Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troy_McClure_SF)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2006, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/124 "2006-05-30T17:03:25Z")
[QUOTE=Lakai] Simpsons Bestiality from the episode where Troy McClure is marring Selma. The mafia guys just find out McClure it alive: Louie: Hey, I thought you said Troy McClure was dead. Tony: No, what I said was: “He sleeps with the fishes”. [/QUOTE] I admit nothing. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2006, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/125 "2006-05-30T17:09:38Z")
[QUOTE=KJ] And I just realized, that one doesn’t count because it wasn’t on network TV. Never mind. It was still funny. [/QUOTE] What, you’re going to pay attention to the OP? But nobody ELSE is. :wally ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2006, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/126 "2006-05-30T17:46:19Z")
[QUOTE=Annie-Xmas] [Unca Cecil’s take](http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a2_024.html). TOO risque for the 50’s. [/QUOTE] Intertestingly, in his column, Cecil gives no better cite than Groucho’s memoirs. I wonder, has anyone ever actually heard the famous exchange? I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if it had been made up for the book; Hollywood memoirs are not noted for their veracity. ---
**Author:** ![jsc1953](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/5daacb/32.png) [@jsc1953](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jsc1953)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2006, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/127 "2006-05-30T17:55:55Z")
I wasn’t planning on contributing to this thread…but a \*\*Friends \*\* episode just played that definitely qualifies: the plot threads are Chandler’s inability to cry, and Phoebe is a porn star (actually, it’s her twin, Ursula). Ross & Joey burst in with videos (porn) in a bag. Monica: You got movies. Chandler: These aren’t the kind of movies that’ll have us reaching for the tissues all night, are they? Ross & Joey: Uh… ---
**Author:** ![Biffy\_the\_Elephant\_Shrew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e47c2d/32.png) [@Biffy\_the\_Elephant\_Shrew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biffy_the_Elephant_Shrew)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2006, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/128 "2006-05-30T18:19:54Z")
[QUOTE=Eve] Intertestingly, in his column, Cecil gives no better cite than Groucho’s memoirs. I wonder, has anyone ever actually heard the famous exchange? I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if it had been made up for the book; Hollywood memoirs are not noted for their veracity. [/QUOTE] It certainly wasn’t made up for the book. _The Secret Word Is Groucho_ was published in 1976; I first heard the “I like my cigar, too” story in grade school in the '60s. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2006, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/129 "2006-05-30T18:28:50Z")
Another one from Friends; Monica is sleeping with Richard, her parents’ friend who is the same age as they are. The parents know that Ricard is dating a young woman, but don’t know it’s their daughter. Her brother Ross knows. In the meantime, Jack has bought a red sports car. Monica’s Dad to Richard: I tell you what, Richard. Why don’t I lend you my new sports car and you lend me…" Ross interupts with “Dad, I’m begging you, do not finish that sentence.” ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2006, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/130 "2006-05-30T19:12:29Z")
There was a British anthology comedy called _Murder Most Horrid_, and it ran on at least one PBS station. Dawn French was the only regular cast member, and she was a different character every time. (Had to be, since there were multiple, grissly deaths in every episode.) In one episode, Dawn plays a frumpy, naive woman who is about to kill herself. She accidentally foils the plans of Amanda Donahoe, a worldly, sexy, leather-clad assassin who’s trying to shoot someone in the building across the street. Amanda convinces Dawn to carry out the job in her place, and gets her kitted out with all the secret, James-Bond style weapons, and a hidden, two-way radio so she can receive instructions on how to sneak into the building. In the lobby of the building, Dawn sees a security guard. DAWN (over the radio): There’s a security guard. How do I get past him? AMANDA: Just ask him where the bathroom is. It’s just a dumb guard, all they really need is a blow job. DAWN (to guard): What you really need is a blow job. Where’s the bathroom? (The guard points. Dawn starts walking that way. The guard follows.) DAWN (over the radio): What’s a blow job? AMANDA: You don’t know what a blow job is? DAWN: No, what is it? AMANDA: It’s oral stimulation of the genitals. DAWN (amazed): Really? (Looks back over her shoulder at the guard.) DAWN: You wouldn’t think he could reach. ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Torque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2006, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/131 "2006-05-30T19:25:40Z")
[QUOTE=Martini Enfield] Actually, anything with Quagmire in it is guaranteed to be offensive… probably part of the reason I love the show so much! 😃 [/QUOTE] I’ll always remember the bit where Lois knocks on Quagmire’s door, and he opens it wearing only a bathrobe. I can’t remember what the conversation was, but Quagmire says, “Hold on, let me get my keys.” While he stands there grinning at Lois, his right hand (off the bottom of the screen) starts a-gropin’, front and back, for way WAY longer than necessary. Finally, he says, “Oh, here they are,” and reveals his keys in his LEFT hand, which was behind the door frame all along. ---
**Author:** ![chorpler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chorpler/32/2888_2.png) [@chorpler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chorpler)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2006, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909/132 "2006-05-30T20:22:23Z")
[QUOTE=Slacker] One more random one from AD? How about when G.O.B. impulsively bought a boat called “The Seaward” just so he could talk to the model sitting on it at a boat show. G.O.B. was trying to explain its merits to Michael when their mother appeared in the door. Michael finished the conversation, saying “Get rid of the Seaward.” His mother responded, “I’m not going anywhere.” [/QUOTE] The best part about this was that on one of the very last episodes, we see GOB on his boat, and we see the back of the boat a few times. The boat’s name is clearly painted across the back: THE C-WORD [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/and-the-award-for-dirtiest-joke-on-network-television-goes-to/357909.md?page=6)