# Animal metaphor for male masturbation **URL:** \ **Category:** Factual Questions\ **Created:** [July 4, 2015, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/animal-metaphor-for-male-masturbation/724261 "2015-07-04T18:48:04Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![yslap](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/e56c9b/32.png) [@yslap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yslap)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2015, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/animal-metaphor-for-male-masturbation/724261/1 "2015-07-04T18:48:04Z")
I am a writer and am looking for an appropriate animal metaphor for a receptacle for male masturbation. I’m thinking animal version of the Fleshlight. Ideally, a simple organism (perhaps a sea creature) with one hole, capacity for deep insertion, and the possibility for titillation, although other ideas are welcome. Something like a sea cucumber or sea anemone but I believe most sea cucumbers lack capacity for deep insertion. I’m not sure about the sea anemone. This is completely serious, please do not respond with porn. ---
**Author:** ![bob\_2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bob_2/32/3341_2.png) [@bob\_2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bob_2)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2015, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/animal-metaphor-for-male-masturbation/724261/2 "2015-07-04T18:54:40Z")
Not quite what you want, but I have heard mention of a bucket of worms. I assume you are discounting the obvious larger female mammals. ---
**Author:** ![yslap](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/e56c9b/32.png) [@yslap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yslap)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2015, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/animal-metaphor-for-male-masturbation/724261/3 "2015-07-05T00:31:32Z")
yes, I’m looking for a simple animals, not a larger female mammal. ---
**Author:** ![marshmallow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@marshmallow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/marshmallow)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2015, 1:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/animal-metaphor-for-male-masturbation/724261/4 "2015-07-05T01:26:51Z")
Remoras, but only because they’re often called suckerfish. It sounds nice, at least. Everything else I can think of is either hard and covered in scales or spines, or soft and full of poison, stingers, or beaks. The ocean isn’t a cuddly place. ---
**Author:** ![Colibri](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/colibri/32/1841_2.png) [@Colibri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colibri)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2015, 4:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/animal-metaphor-for-male-masturbation/724261/5 "2015-07-05T04:22:21Z")
> [@marshmallow](#): > > Remoras, but only because they’re often called suckerfish. It sounds nice, at least. The [remora’s suction pad](http://3.bp.blogspot.com/--kW2dQhsSlM/UMR4LxqKQMI/AAAAAAAAFpI/_-JycVQkwJ0/s1600/slender_suckerfish.jpg) is flat and would not be suitable for any kind of insertion. ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2015, 1:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/animal-metaphor-for-male-masturbation/724261/6 "2015-07-05T13:24:34Z")
You might do better in the plant world. Most of the animals we can think of that might work have awkward possibilities of teeth or digestive systems being involved, and that’s not going to end well for your protagonist. ---
**Author:** ![cmyk](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmyk/32/3353_2.png) [@cmyk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmyk)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2015, 1:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/animal-metaphor-for-male-masturbation/724261/7 "2015-07-05T13:32:45Z")
The applepieopotomous. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2015, 1:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/animal-metaphor-for-male-masturbation/724261/8 "2015-07-05T13:59:53Z")
If plants are okay, I’ve heard people talk about “melons for delight”. ---
**Author:** ![Fubaya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c2a13f/32.png) [@Fubaya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fubaya)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2015, 2:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/animal-metaphor-for-male-masturbation/724261/9 "2015-07-05T14:24:50Z")
Those big tube worms that live around volcanic vents at the bottom of the ocean. I think they are called “tube worms” but I can’t look it up right now. Anyway, they seem fuckable, I’d totally do one! ---
**Author:** ![hogarth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hogarth/32/1773_2.png) [@hogarth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hogarth)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2015, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/animal-metaphor-for-male-masturbation/724261/10 "2015-07-05T14:43:55Z")
The (ugh) hagfish produces its own lubricant. ---
**Author:** ![Blue\_Blistering\_Barnacle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/blue_blistering_barnacle/32/3386_2.png) [@Blue\_Blistering\_Barnacle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blue_Blistering_Barnacle)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2015, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/animal-metaphor-for-male-masturbation/724261/11 "2015-07-05T16:28:22Z")
Why not the venerable jungle fowl (chicken)? “How will we keep them in Paris once they’ve been to the farm?” 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Colibri](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/colibri/32/1841_2.png) [@Colibri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colibri)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2015, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/animal-metaphor-for-male-masturbation/724261/12 "2015-07-05T16:37:27Z")
> [@Fubaya](#): > > Those big tube worms that live around volcanic vents at the bottom of the ocean. I think they are called “tube worms” but I can’t look it up right now. Anyway, they seem fuckable, I’d totally do one! [Giant tube worms](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Giant_tube_worm) don’t have digestive tracts or any sizable orifices at all. They live on nutrients derived from symbiotic bacteria. ---
**Author:** ![yslap](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/e56c9b/32.png) [@yslap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yslap)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2015, 5:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/animal-metaphor-for-male-masturbation/724261/13 "2015-07-05T17:23:37Z")
How would you guys feel about a toothless egg-eating snake? [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dasypeltis](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dasypeltis) ---
**Author:** ![Fubaya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c2a13f/32.png) [@Fubaya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fubaya)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2015, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/animal-metaphor-for-male-masturbation/724261/14 "2015-07-05T18:16:24Z")
> [@Colibri](#): > > [Giant tube worms](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Giant_tube_worm) don’t have digestive tracts or any sizable orifices at all. They live on nutrients derived from symbiotic bacteria. I don’t know exactly what the OP has in mind (and am afraid to find out) but they have the red plume at the top that 100% looks like a vagina. ---
**Author:** ![chorpler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chorpler/32/2888_2.png) [@chorpler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chorpler)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2015, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/animal-metaphor-for-male-masturbation/724261/15 "2015-07-05T18:27:21Z")
> [@yslap](#): > > How would you guys feel about a toothless egg-eating snake? > > [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dasypeltis](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dasypeltis) But they break eggshells with “bony protrusions on their spine,” which sounds like pretty horrible as a “fleshlight” alternative. ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2015, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/animal-metaphor-for-male-masturbation/724261/16 "2015-07-05T18:30:05Z")
> [@chorpler](#): > > But they break eggshells with “bony protrusions on their spine,” which sounds like pretty horrible as a “fleshlight” alternative. “REALLY ribbed for your masochistic satisfaction!” ---
**Author:** ![Colibri](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/colibri/32/1841_2.png) [@Colibri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colibri)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2015, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/animal-metaphor-for-male-masturbation/724261/17 "2015-07-05T18:31:03Z")
> [@Fubaya](#): > > I don’t know exactly what the OP has in mind (and am afraid to find out) but they have the red plume at the top that 100% looks like a vagina. It may look like one when it’s closed up, but it’s not a solid tube but a [bunch of plumes.](http://cdn2.arkive.org/media/BB/BBA8D3CF-699C-419D-BE03-E15B92DE8D1C/Presentation.Large/Giant-tube-worm-plume.jpg) It would be like trying to fuck a feather duster. ---
**Author:** ![Gibbs89](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gibbs89/32/3351_2.png) [@Gibbs89](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gibbs89)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2015, 9:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/animal-metaphor-for-male-masturbation/724261/18 "2015-07-05T21:12:37Z")
I have no idea what this thing is but it certainly seems worth mentioning in this thread: [Thetys (tunicate) - Wikipedia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thetys_vagina) ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2015, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/animal-metaphor-for-male-masturbation/724261/19 "2015-07-05T21:35:43Z")
OP, please clarify. Are you looking to find some sort of organism for a human male to masturbate into, or are you looking for some type of natural “appliance” that a primitive animal would be able to use for self-pleasure? ---
**Author:** ![Colibri](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/colibri/32/1841_2.png) [@Colibri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colibri)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2015, 10:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/animal-metaphor-for-male-masturbation/724261/20 "2015-07-05T22:44:15Z")
> [@Gibbs89](#): > > I have no idea what this thing is but it certainly seems worth mentioning in this thread: [Thetys vagina - Wikipedia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thetys_vagina) Although salps like _Tethys_ are chordates (related to vertebrates), they have the consistency of jellyfish. If you attempted to copulate with it, it would disintegrate. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/animal-metaphor-for-male-masturbation/724261.md?page=2)