# Animals vs. Man - who wins? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 17, 2005, 6:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/animals-vs-man-who-wins/294956 "2005-03-17T06:50:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Scott\_Plaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Scott\_Plaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scott_Plaid)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2005, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/animals-vs-man-who-wins/294956/21 "2005-03-18T18:02:05Z")
No, I think it is pretty clear that they are already trying to kill us, and failing spectacularly, as has already been mentioned. ---
**Author:** ![davenportavenger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5f8ce5/32.png) [@davenportavenger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/davenportavenger)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2005, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/animals-vs-man-who-wins/294956/22 "2005-03-18T18:08:03Z")
Actually eyelash mites (like [these](http://www.geocities.com/thesciencefiles/eyelash/creatures.html) little cuties) are benign, except when they’re present in exceptionally high numbers in people who don’t wash regularly. Given that they have teeth/suckers, and live near our eyes, I think they could at the very least blind us, paving the way for the animal takeover. ---
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2005, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/animals-vs-man-who-wins/294956/23 "2005-03-18T19:33:37Z")
> [@START](#): > > I’m the one supposed to be asking crazy questions like this. When I saw the thread title, my first thought was “Hmmm, looks like **START** started a new thr…huh? **Carnick**??” As to the OP, humans would be royally screwed. ---
**Author:** ![Yeticus\_Rex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/a698b9/32.png) [@Yeticus\_Rex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yeticus_Rex)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2005, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/animals-vs-man-who-wins/294956/24 "2005-03-18T21:17:38Z")
[QUOTE=LSLGuy] 6) If most urbanized/suburbanized humans do the horror-flick thing and simply cower in the basement screaming until the ants devour them, well the humans are doomed. the critters will go house to house and that’ll be that. The rural folks will put up a good fight but they can be overwhelmed by numbers. The rancher with 1000 cattle, 3 men and 5 rifles is probably gonna be overrun before they knew what hit them. Ditto the farmer with no livestock, 600 acres and a few thousand rodents and birds on his land versus him, his wife, their kids and their 1 farmhand. QUOTE] Flamethrowers. > [@RickJay](#): > > The problem we face in The Great Beast War is the breakdown of industrialized society. Holing up in the house is one thing, but we’ve got to organize ourselves, and that’s going to be hideously difficult. If you think urban areas are safe from animals, you don’t know anything about urban areas. Urban areas are FULL of animals; dogs, cats, reptiles fr all sorts, raccoons, squirrels, and birds of every shape, size and description. There’s horses in most urban areas too. A shocking number of animals actually thrive in cities. If you live in any major North American city, there’s probably a thousand or more raccoons living within a thousand yards of your house, plus the squirrels, rats, mice, groundhogs, and skunks. Birds of prey are moving back into urban areas in increasing numbers, plus songbirds, crows, and gulls. And you’ve got insects, insects, insects. Most insects are just gross and can’t really hurt you, but some are extremely dangerous, such as fire ants, bees, wasps, and the more poisonous arachnids, such as black widows, brown recluses, and scorpions. Keeping such animals out of your house is hard even when they’re not at war with us. Flamethrowers. > [@](#): > > In tropical areas… well, it gets really bad. The number of dangerous bugs goes up exponentially. Some areas will also be extremely bad for poisonous reptiles; in Australia, Africa, southern Asia and parts of North and South America you face assault from cobras, vipers, mambas, rattlers, etc. Flamethrowers. > [@](#): > > So every time you go outside you’re going to be attacked. It would be difficult to adequately protect yourself against all possible threats; a dog protection suit will not work against a bear, and a rifle will kill a bear but not a swarm of bees. What will work against a fer-de-lance will not work against a rabid raccoon. Within cities your major problem will be stinging insects, I would think, and the few larger mammals around, like big dogs. Outside of cities, however, you’re facing larger, stronger animals all over the place, plus all the city problems. Farms will be lost within minutes as the animals slay their horrified keepers. Lines of communication will be severed and our food supply would vanish. Flamethrowers…and BBQ. > [@](#): > > So the real problem would be organizing an effective resistance. Mass panic would set in and initial casualties would be staggering. People would be split up and want to hide in their homes. It would take a while to gather up enough people to fight back and all the while food stocks would be dwindling. The food is coming to us gentlemen, and we have the means to cook it. > [@](#): > > As for going into the water, fuckin’ forget it. Battleships, Aircraft Carriers, and Subs…oh, my! All animals have a fear of fire…use it. Even a can of Aqua Net and a lighter makes a good weapon. ---
**Author:** ![davenportavenger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5f8ce5/32.png) [@davenportavenger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/davenportavenger)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2005, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/animals-vs-man-who-wins/294956/25 "2005-03-18T21:32:40Z")
> [@Yeticus Rex](#): > > Flamethrowers. What happens when all our crops and forests have burned down? We’ll have plenty of roast pitbull and black bear, but without plant life the food chain will break down. And we’d probably have to destroy all the crops, to be sure of killing all the insects. Although if animals were really intelligent, and not just berzerk, the insects would just eat all the crops (the insect predators who stop the crop eaters normally would no longer defend the crops), knocking out the bottom of the food chain. Oh, and I just thought of something: dust mites! They could crawl into people’s throats while we’re sleeping and block out the air. I can’t think of any disinfectant that would kill every dust mite in the average bed sheet. I think the only way we have a shot is if it’s humans vs. other vertebrates. There are over a quadrillion insects on the planet; they could silently envelope us in a deadly blanket of legs and feelers while we’re reaching for our flamethrowers. Bugs would also be good at hiding from fire inside the ground. ---
**Author:** ![Cornelius\_Tuggerson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/13edae/32.png) [@Cornelius\_Tuggerson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cornelius_Tuggerson)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2005, 10:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/animals-vs-man-who-wins/294956/26 "2005-03-18T22:59:38Z")
> [@continuity eror](#): > > Bugs would also be good at hiding from fire inside the ground. I am sure we’ll be able to come up with some kind of a heavier-then-air gas that would go down their holes and kill them. Concern yourself not about bugs, there is a small but dedicated group of people out there that has them under control. ---
**Author:** ![Loopydude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e56c9b/32.png) [@Loopydude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loopydude)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2005, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/animals-vs-man-who-wins/294956/27 "2005-03-18T23:04:23Z")
The bugs would literally chew our asses off. We’d have to lay waste to the entire Earth to get rid of them, in which case we starve. Animals, hands down. ---
**Author:** ![Yeticus\_Rex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/a698b9/32.png) [@Yeticus\_Rex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yeticus_Rex)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2005, 11:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/animals-vs-man-who-wins/294956/28 "2005-03-18T23:15:34Z")
> [@continuity eror](#): > > What happens when all our crops and forests have burned down? We’ll have plenty of roast pitbull and black bear, but without plant life the food chain will break down. And we’d probably have to destroy all the crops, to be sure of killing all the insects. Although if animals were really intelligent, and not just berzerk, the insects would just eat all the crops (the insect predators who stop the crop eaters normally would no longer defend the crops), knocking out the bottom of the food chain. > [@Carnick](#): > > We will assume that during the war, all countries are unified. There are no major conflicts or dissent amongst people. **Also, no one cares about the impact on the environment, they just care about winning the battle**. There is no surrendering. In order to win, one side must destroy 75% of the other side’s population. Just operating within the parameters. > [@](#): > > Oh, and I just thought of something: dust mites! They could crawl into people’s throats while we’re sleeping and block out the air. I can’t think of any disinfectant that would kill every dust mite in the average bed sheet. Sleeping? This is war, not a slumber party! Work in shifts…swab each others throats…even swallow and digest them. How many of those critters would it take to block off an air passage? They’re probably incapable of doing it, let alone know where to block. > [@](#): > > I think the only way we have a shot is if it’s humans vs. other vertebrates. There are over a quadrillion insects on the planet; they could silently envelope us in a deadly blanket of legs and feelers while we’re reaching for our flamethrowers. Bugs would also be good at hiding from fire inside the ground. Reaching for the flamethrower? Hell no, you wear those things morning, noon and night UNTIL there is a break in the onslaught. It just takes a sweeping motion to create a large kill zone of the insects. My 20 unit cell of flamethrowers spaced 100’-200’ apart should limit the insect’s ability to amass a huge assault. If they are hiding in the ground, they can’t readily attack, that’s where my crack DDT units follow behind the flamethrower cells, laying a film of sterilizing death on the ground. JOIN ME OR DIE! ---
**Author:** ![myrnajean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c57346/32.png) [@myrnajean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/myrnajean)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2005, 11:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/animals-vs-man-who-wins/294956/29 "2005-03-18T23:16:35Z")
In urban areas it would be mice and rats. Hasn’t anyone seen BEN? Squirrels are pretty nasty too, and very very fast. With dangerously long and sharp teeth. Birds are pretty much everywhere. Imagine if every pigeon did a kamkazee on someone downtown. It would be like getting hit in the head with a book someone dropped ten stories. And I’d have to agree, all the bacteria and tiny critters are already trying to kill us, they just can’t. ---
**Author:** ![Yeticus\_Rex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/a698b9/32.png) [@Yeticus\_Rex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yeticus_Rex)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2005, 11:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/animals-vs-man-who-wins/294956/30 "2005-03-18T23:26:40Z")
> [@Loopydude](#): > > The bugs would literally chew our asses off. We’d have to lay waste to the entire Earth to get rid of them, in which case we starve. Animals, hands down. You don’t think we’ll be doing some “chewing” ourselves? quadrillion = 10**15 = 166,6667 insects per human…I’ve killed this many on a bad day…without my flamethrower. 6 billion = 6 x 10**9 Who’s with me? ---
**Author:** ![Loopydude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e56c9b/32.png) [@Loopydude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loopydude)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2005, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/animals-vs-man-who-wins/294956/31 "2005-03-18T23:28:34Z")
> [@myrnajean](#): > > . > And I’d have to agree, all the bacteria and tiny critters are already trying to kill us, they just can’t. Currently they’re milling about more or less at random. If they really got organized, kiss your ass goodbye. ---
**Author:** ![Strinka](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/strinka/32/512_2.png) [@Strinka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Strinka)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2005, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/animals-vs-man-who-wins/294956/32 "2005-03-18T23:29:06Z")
> [@RickJay](#): > > Lines of communication will be severed I doubt it. The animals wouldn’t know to attack them. As to the OP, I’m betting on the animals. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2005, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/animals-vs-man-who-wins/294956/33 "2005-03-18T23:51:23Z")
> [@Yeticus Rex](#): > > Reaching for the flamethrower? Hell no, you wear those things morning, noon and night UNTIL there is a break in the onslaught. I hate to break this to you, but I do not possess a flame thrower. Neither do you, and neither does anyone else. Even the Army doesn’t have many left, if any. But let’s suppose you find one. Your problem is that you’ll run out of fuel for your flamethrower in, oh, one minute. Since you’ll burn your house down protecting yourself from the insects that would flood in to get you, you’d have to go outside or burn to death. (Actually, you’d probably burn yourself up just trying to use a flame thrower inside, but let’s assume you survive somehow.) And then they’d be everywhere, coming at you from all sides. And a flamethrower has maybe thirty seconds of fuel. You’d maybe, top end, get 0.001% of the animals that were trying to kill you. Not to point out the obvious here, but you may want to ask yourself WHY armies don’t usually carry flamethrowers anymore, or why they don’t outfit every soldier with flamethrowers. They don’t work very well. Your plan is absurd. You’re dead meat, pal. ---
**Author:** ![Yeticus\_Rex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/a698b9/32.png) [@Yeticus\_Rex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yeticus_Rex)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2005, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/animals-vs-man-who-wins/294956/34 "2005-03-19T00:36:03Z")
> [@RickJay](#): > > I hate to break this to you, but I do not possess a flame thrower. Neither do you, and neither does anyone else. Even the Army doesn’t have many left, if any. > > But let’s suppose you find one. Your problem is that you’ll run out of fuel for your flamethrower in, oh, one minute. Since you’ll burn your house down protecting yourself from the insects that would flood in to get you, you’d have to go outside or burn to death. (Actually, you’d probably burn yourself up just trying to use a flame thrower inside, but let’s assume you survive somehow.) And then they’d be everywhere, coming at you from all sides. And a flamethrower has maybe thirty seconds of fuel. You’d maybe, top end, get 0.001% of the animals that were trying to kill you. > > Not to point out the obvious here, but you may want to ask yourself WHY armies don’t usually carry flamethrowers anymore, or why they don’t outfit every soldier with flamethrowers. They don’t work very well. > > Your plan is absurd. You’re dead meat, pal. The hell you say! [Option 1](http://www.cnn.com/WORLD/africa/9812/11/flame.thrower.car/) [Option 2](http://66.34.10.12/aaamembersnew/zac/external.htm) [Option 3 (Really Cheap!)](http://gprime.net/video.php/supersoakerflamethrower) [Option 4](http://www.gizmodo.com/archives/homegrown-pvc-flamethrower-017034.php) I certainly ain’t gonna lay down and die admitting defeat. ---
**Author:** ![Loopydude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e56c9b/32.png) [@Loopydude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loopydude)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2005, 12:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/animals-vs-man-who-wins/294956/35 "2005-03-19T00:39:40Z")
Fine. You suffer longer. ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2005, 2:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/animals-vs-man-who-wins/294956/36 "2005-03-19T02:16:59Z")
People, we seem to be falling for the Hollywood hordes of animals everywhere. The OP sceanrio has all teh animals go on the attack. that doesn’t mean there’s suddenly a much larger number of them. There are only so many animals in any area. Excluding birds, they’re not that mobile. Most animals live out their lives within a mile of where they’re born. For insects, it frequently only a few hundred feet. There are probably enough ants in my county to make a pile the size of a small office building. They’d eat me quickly if it was _all_ of them versus just me alone… But I don’t have to fight them all. I just have to kill the ones already living on my property. You kill the ones on your property and so on and the job is done. It’s not 1 person versus a gajillion ants, it’s one family versus a few thousand square feet of dirt with however-many ants in it. Particularly if the news travels faster through human circles than through aniimal, so I know they’re up to no good before they get moving, I’ll be able to take care of my part. As long as my neighbors do the same, we’re fine. it’ll be a mess, and an ecological disaster, but we can stop the onslaught if we try. At the same time, I’d expect a lot of people to react per **RickJays** scenario, wherein we’'d be so busy destroying our own society that our one supposed advantage, brains, gets us nothing. And then we lose. I don’t know about you, but all this talking about roasting little animals has me hungry. I’m gonna go get dinner. Adios. ---
**Author:** ![Carnick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Carnick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Carnick)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2005, 2:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/animals-vs-man-who-wins/294956/37 "2005-03-19T02:31:19Z")
> [@Left Hand of Dorkness](#): > > Do we assume that the animals are as intelligent as people? Or are they just infected by an “I hate humans” virus? > > If the former, the animals win no question. All that needs to happen is for the fish to commit mass suicide to deprive humans of food sources, and for the cattle to trample wheat fields, and mass starvation and riots break out. > > If they’re just infected with the I-Hate-Humans virus, then it’s a closer contest. But I’m still giving it to the insects. > > Daniel Exactly - they have the I-Hate-Humans virus, meaning they would have no more organizational skills than normal. ---
**Author:** ![Sage\_Rat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sage_rat/32/399_2.png) [@Sage\_Rat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sage_Rat)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2005, 6:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/animals-vs-man-who-wins/294956/38 "2005-03-19T06:04:14Z")
> [@Carnick](#): > > Exactly - they have the I-Hate-Humans virus, meaning they would have no more organizational skills than normal. What are we considering as animals? There are various organisms cohabitting in and on my body that I require the cooperation of to sustain life (as I understand it.) If those decide they hate me and go on strike then I and 100% of every other human else dies right there. If we are considering insects up only, then I don’t see that much would change. So far as the animal kingdom is concerened its you (or maybe your species) vs everything else. Pets might turn, but everything else should stay the same. ---
**Author:** ![Loopydude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e56c9b/32.png) [@Loopydude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loopydude)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2005, 6:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/animals-vs-man-who-wins/294956/39 "2005-03-19T06:08:43Z")
When’s the last time you went to a city park and every living thing in it was driven by an overpowering urge to rip you to pieces? I’m guessing things would be much different. ---
**Author:** ![partyx2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7feea3/32.png) [@partyx2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/partyx2)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2005, 7:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/animals-vs-man-who-wins/294956/40 "2005-03-19T07:29:28Z")
> [@Carnick](#): > > Let’s say every animal on the face of the planet decides to wage war against mankind. Domesticated pets turn on their owners, birds swoop out of the sky to attack people on sight, and farm animals refuse to be tamed. It’s brains and technology against numbers. Who wins, the animals or people? > > We will assume that during the war, all countries are unified. There are no major conflicts or dissent amongst people. Also, no one cares about the impact on the environment, they just care about winning the battle. There is no surrendering. In order to win, one side must destroy 75% of the other side’s population. If you are talking about all living organsms. bacteria would win… [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/animals-vs-man-who-wins/294956.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/animals-vs-man-who-wins/294956.md?page=3)