# Ann Coulter and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad USA Today
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ann-coulter-and-the-terrible-horrible-no-good-very-bad-usa-today/257458
**Category:** The BBQ Pit
**Created:** [July 29, 2004, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ann-coulter-and-the-terrible-horrible-no-good-very-bad-usa-today/257458 "2004-07-29T17:28:56Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@carrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carrot)
#### Post date: [July 29, 2004, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ann-coulter-and-the-terrible-horrible-no-good-very-bad-usa-today/257458/1 "2004-07-29T17:28:56Z")
So, you may not have known, but USA Today had the ingenious idea to hire Ann Coulter to cover the DNC (and Michael Moore to cover the RNC, but we can talk about that when the convention is going on, I guess).
Putting aside the obvious insanity of this idea, it sounds pretty good, right? A couple of ideologues covering the opposite number’s party, should make for some laughs.
Well. Little did they know they weren’t even going to get [out of the gate with it](http://www.usatoday.com/news/politicselections/nation/2004-07-26-coulter-column_x.htm). Long story short, Coulter submits a bilious, spittle-flecked, hate-filled screed, which the editors at USA Today decline to publish. According to Ann,
> [@a hate-filled cunt](#):
>
> USA TODAY doesn’t like my ‘tone,’ humor, sarcasm, etc., which raises the intriguing question of why they hired me to write for them.
Ah, yes, the “they’re all against me” defense, a favorite of children and people who act like children the world over.
Giving the readers a chance to decide for themselves which party has the shit-for-brains, Ann went and [posted the contraversial article on her website](http://www.anncoulter.com/columns/2004/072604.htm). I’ll leave it as an exercise for the reader to decipher Ann’s ramblings, save only to quote my favorite part:
> [@the same cunt](#):
>
> My pretty-girl allies stick out like a sore thumb amongst the corn-fed, no make-up, natural fiber, no-bra needing, sandal-wearing, hirsute, somewhat fragrant hippie hick pie wagons they call “women” at the Democratic National Convention.
Nice, eh? Classy broad, that Ann. You can almost smell the foam around the mouth, with that one little hypnotic wobbly bit right in the corner, just taunting you…occasionally forming a small bubble, then bursting, and starting over…
Now, I know pitting Ann Coulter is on a par with pitting Bill O’Reilly in terms of frequency, but I just can’t ignore this kind of batshit insanity. Is that so wrong?
In any case, I will leave you with one last quote, again from Ann:
> [@](#):
>
> For the last couple of decades now, name-calling has been the principal argument liberals have deployed against conservative arguments.
[From this column](http://www.townhall.com/columnists/anncoulter/ac20010222.shtml)
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### Author:  [@Larry\_Mudd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Mudd)
#### Post date: [July 29, 2004, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ann-coulter-and-the-terrible-horrible-no-good-very-bad-usa-today/257458/2 "2004-07-29T17:49:22Z")
Yeah, I read that and larfed my ass off.
_"USA Today_ declined to print an essay that starts out, reasonably enough, “Here at the Spawn of Satan convention in Boston, conservatives are deploying a series of covert signals to identify one another, much like gay men do. My allies are the ones wearing crosses or American flags. The people sporting shirts emblazened with the “F-word” are my opponents,” and then gets incrementally more hyperbolic with each paragraph. Help! Help! I’m being oppressed!"
Eh. As long as she can resist the urge to dig the coke bugs out of her face, she’s holding up better than I would’ve thought.
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### Author:  [@Coldfire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Coldfire)
#### Post date: [July 29, 2004, 6:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ann-coulter-and-the-terrible-horrible-no-good-very-bad-usa-today/257458/3 "2004-07-29T18:04:14Z")
Holy moly. I guess “What a dumbass” will be enough of an analysis, after reading that.
But then, I’m probably one of those fragrant hippies, or something. Jeesh.
Fuck USA Today for not publishing it. Except, of course, it should have been put in the comedy section. Or perhaps in a special on clinical psychiatry.
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### Author:  [@Liberal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Liberal)
#### Post date: [July 29, 2004, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ann-coulter-and-the-terrible-horrible-no-good-very-bad-usa-today/257458/4 "2004-07-29T18:06:32Z")
All that surprised me is that USA Today was that stupid. What did it expect from Ann Coulter? Journalism? Give me a break.
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### Author:  [@Homebrew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Homebrew)
#### Post date: [July 29, 2004, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ann-coulter-and-the-terrible-horrible-no-good-very-bad-usa-today/257458/5 "2004-07-29T18:08:36Z")
> [@Liberal](#):
>
> All that surprised me is that USA Today was that stupid. What did it expect from Ann Coulter? Journalism? Give me a break.
You mean you expect real journalism from _USA Today_?
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### Author:  [@Liberal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Liberal)
#### Post date: [July 29, 2004, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ann-coulter-and-the-terrible-horrible-no-good-very-bad-usa-today/257458/6 "2004-07-29T18:11:48Z")
> [@Homebrew](#):
>
> You mean you expect real journalism from _USA Today_?
Well, touche. 😃
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### Author:  [@Evil\_Captor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Evil_Captor)
#### Post date: [July 29, 2004, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ann-coulter-and-the-terrible-horrible-no-good-very-bad-usa-today/257458/7 "2004-07-29T18:22:14Z")
You quote the most acerbic comments Coulter made – the rest of her column was milder in tone. Still, somebody should get that girl to switch to decaf before she hurts somebody.
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### Author:  [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)
#### Post date: [July 29, 2004, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ann-coulter-and-the-terrible-horrible-no-good-very-bad-usa-today/257458/8 "2004-07-29T18:25:05Z")
Is anyone else having trouble accessing Coulter’s website?
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### Author:  [@Daisy\_Mae](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daisy_Mae)
#### Post date: [July 29, 2004, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ann-coulter-and-the-terrible-horrible-no-good-very-bad-usa-today/257458/9 "2004-07-29T18:29:30Z")
> [@Evil Captor](#):
>
> Still, somebody should get that girl to switch to decaf before she hurts somebody.
I was thinking more like getting some Midol in blow dart form and going after her myself.
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### Author:  [@Sweetums](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sweetums)
#### Post date: [July 29, 2004, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ann-coulter-and-the-terrible-horrible-no-good-very-bad-usa-today/257458/10 "2004-07-29T18:38:43Z")
Heard Coulter on O’Reilly yesterday defending this diatribe. Even though O’R was more or less on her side, it is astounding how often she descended into “shrill, hysterical bitch” mode. Really, if you want to defend you position, screaming, and saying “I don’t want to talk about it” is perhaps not the way to go.
```
The tone of the interview, and the essay in question really reminded me of a spoiled high-school princess caught doing something naughty, who then throws a tantrum when she can't get her own way. Most of these girls eventually grow up. Coulter dosn't seem to have.
```
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### Author:  [@jk1245](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jk1245)
#### Post date: [July 29, 2004, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ann-coulter-and-the-terrible-horrible-no-good-very-bad-usa-today/257458/11 "2004-07-29T18:39:10Z")
The editors at USA Today probably had a much harder time reading Coulter’s column in its original Crayon rendition.
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### Author:  [@elucidator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elucidator)
#### Post date: [July 29, 2004, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ann-coulter-and-the-terrible-horrible-no-good-very-bad-usa-today/257458/12 "2004-07-29T18:47:11Z")
In the interests of fairness, it needs be said that the delightfully equine Ms. Coulter (“Anne of Green Goebbels”) is in no wise representative of the rational and reasonable American right, as represented here by posters too numerous to mention. Well, three, actually, but they’re shy and easily embarassed.
That said, its a good bet that the guy at _Useless Today_ who made this bodacious decision is looking for a job today. Actually, his assistant is looking for a job today, but so it goes…
“…My pretty-girl allies stick out like a sore thumb amongst the corn-fed, no make-up, natural fiber, no-bra needing, sandal-wearing, hirsute, somewhat fragrant hippie hick pie wagons they call “women” at the Democratic National Convention…”
This is classic Coulter, the finest distillation of content-free bile yet to spew. She called them everything but “lesbian” (hmmmm…wonder why?..too close to home?..enquiring minds recoil in horror…)
“Corn-fed” I get, refering to pigs with a destiny as “pork futures”, probably inferring “sow”. A lot of men, naive children that we are, think women don’t talk nasty about each other. They do, and this is “da bomb”.
“No make up”. Yeah, well, some use it, some don’t. Some need it. Some are beyond such help, gilding the Lilith.
“no bra-needing” Oooooh! Call in the IBTC! (The Itty Bitty Titty Committee). Sorry, Annie, but here’s the truth: a sharp wit and a kicking rack is a joy to my darkly lustful heart, you bethca! But all the cup size in the world won’t make a harridan provoke a hard-on.
“sandal-wearing”… This is kinda interesting, in the ongoing “What the fuck is it with women and shoes?!” question. Guys only: if you hear a woman use the expression “fuck-me shoes”, do you know what she’s talking about? Pretty sure about this: sandals ain’t it.
“…hirsute, somewhat fragrant…” Hairy? You mean like hairy-legged, or hairy pitted, or hairy headed? Does Annie shave her legs, or does she rasp it off with a file? And that “fragrant”… That can’t mean what my pervo mind _thinks_ it means, can it? Women just don’t say things like that about other women, “sow” is as low as they go. Or did I miss another memo? Must be talking about pachouli oil, or Walgreen’s knock-offs of Obsession.
“hippie” I get, standard issue slur, comes with the press kit.
But here’s where I get confused. I kind of like some good ol’ scorching invective, its entertaining, so I like to keep informed. Was it really “hippie hick” or did they mis-transcribe “hippy chick”?
Or is it “hick pie wagon”? And what in the hell is a “pie wagon”?.
I call upon our much revered female Dopers in the struggle against ignorance. If I hear a woman call another woman a “pie wagon”, what is she saying?
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### Author:  [@rjung](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rjung)
#### Post date: [July 29, 2004, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ann-coulter-and-the-terrible-horrible-no-good-very-bad-usa-today/257458/13 "2004-07-29T18:50:51Z")
**carrot,** you owe my web browser a memory scrub for compelling me to visit Ann Coulter’s website. If you didn’t tell me ahead of time it was a genuine Coulter column, I’d almost peg it as a very clever parody.
> [@Evil Captor](#):
>
> You quote the most acerbic comments Coulter made – the rest of her column was milder in tone.
Oh yeah, as if _these_ gems were any improvement:
> [@Ann Coulter](#):
>
> Apparently, the nuts at the Democratic National Convention are going to be put in cages outside the convention hall. Sadly, they won’t be fighting to the death as is done in W.W.F. caged matches. They’re calling this the “protestor’s area,” although I suppose a better name would be the “truth-free zone”. I thought this was a great idea until I realized the nut category did not include Sharpton, Al Gore, Bill Clinton, and Teddy Kennedy – all featured speakers at the convention.
> [@Ann Coulter](#):
>
> The last former government official to slake his thirst so deeply with the kool-aid and become a far-left peacenik was Ramsey Clarke and it took him a few years to really blossom. Clinton must have done some number on Gore. Then again, with his yen for earth tones in a man’s wardrobe, maybe Gore’s references to “Brown Shirts” was intended as a compliment.
> [@Ann Coulter](#):
>
> Walking back from the convention site I chatted with a normal Bostonian for several blocks – who must have identified me through our covert system of signals. He was mostly bemused by the Democrats’ primetime speakers and told me he used to be an independent, but for the last 20 years found himself voting mostly Republican. Then he corrected himself and said he votes for the American.
Ick, now _I_ need a shower…
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### Author:  [@cornflakes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cornflakes)
#### Post date: [July 29, 2004, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ann-coulter-and-the-terrible-horrible-no-good-very-bad-usa-today/257458/14 "2004-07-29T18:58:56Z")
Fucking conservative press.\* USA Today should have printed the first draft, as is. There is nothing that the Democrats could have written that could have helped them more than that li’l bucket of venom.
\*I’M JOKING, of course. USA Today just wants to keep up whatever polished image they think that they have.
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### Author:  [@DocCathode](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DocCathode)
#### Post date: [July 29, 2004, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ann-coulter-and-the-terrible-horrible-no-good-very-bad-usa-today/257458/15 "2004-07-29T18:59:04Z")
Thanks to **Daisy Mae** ’s mere presence in this thread, I can’t get this out of my mind
The Dogpatch county delegate, one A Yokum by name walks into the convention center.
“Why this is mos’ unekspekked! The men are wearin’ fine straw hats! Jes’ lak mine! An the wimmen ain’t done washed in weeks! It’s almos’ lak Ah never left Dogpatch!”
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### Author:  [@elucidator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elucidator)
#### Post date: [July 29, 2004, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ann-coulter-and-the-terrible-horrible-no-good-very-bad-usa-today/257458/16 "2004-07-29T18:59:45Z")
Report from exhaustive research…ok, just Google…but anyway
> **[Urban Dictionary: pie wagon](https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=pie%2Bwagon&r=f)**
>
> This is a broad that looked cute as a bug when she snared a man into marrying her. It didn't take long for her to become an abrasive hog....just one or two kids and a few too many cheeseburgers. Now she is fat as a cow and eats bon bons all day. She...
“Pie wagon” means a chubbette, infering a dietary dependence on pastries, etc.
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### Author:  [@carrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carrot)
#### Post date: [July 29, 2004, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ann-coulter-and-the-terrible-horrible-no-good-very-bad-usa-today/257458/17 "2004-07-29T19:02:03Z")
> [@Evil Captor](#):
>
> You quote the most acerbic comments Coulter made – the rest of her column was milder in tone.
Yes, you’re right. I should include some quotes that show Ann’s softer side. Here we go!
> [@](#):
>
> Here at the Spawn of Satan convention in Boston,
> [@](#):
>
> Democrats are constantly suing and slandering police as violent, fascist racists
> [@](#):
>
> As for the pretty girls, I can only guess that it’s because liberal boys never try to make a move on you without the UN Security Council’s approval. Plus, it’s no fun riding around in those dinky little hybrid cars.
> [@](#):
>
> They’re calling this the “protestor’s area,” although I suppose a better name would be the “truth-free zone”.
> [@](#):
>
> I thought this was a great idea until I realized the nut category did not include Sharpton, Al Gore, Bill Clinton, and Teddy Kennedy – all featured speakers at the convention. I’d say the actual policy is only untelegenic nuts get the cages, but little Dennis Kucinich is speaking at the Convention, too.
> [@](#):
>
> The nuts in the cages are virtual Bertrand Russells compared to the official speakers at the Democratic Convention.
> [@](#):
>
> I’d say I love all these Democrats in Boston so much I want them to go home, but I don’t. I want Americans to get a good long look at the French Party and keep the 7-11 challenge in mind.
Yes, ever the voice of reason is Ann Coulter.
It’s true that I did quote the worst one in my OP, but that was merely because it was my favorite crazy-bitch quote. C’mon, you’ve gotta admit “hippie hick pie wagons” should be in the DSM IV as a symptom. Of what, though, I have no idea.
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### Author:  [@Debaser](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Debaser)
#### Post date: [July 29, 2004, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ann-coulter-and-the-terrible-horrible-no-good-very-bad-usa-today/257458/18 "2004-07-29T19:05:09Z")
So, USA Today hires Ann Coulter to write a column and then are just shocked and appalled when she proceeds to write a column in the exact same style as all of her writings? Gimme a break. They shouldn’t have hired her if they didn’t like her writing.
The comments that Ann posted by USA today are priceless, however.
(The page isn’t loading right now, no doubt due to the fact that Drudge has picked up this story and thus increased her web traffic by an order of magnitude or so.)
It’s obvious if you read the responses from USA Today that whichever editor they assigned to this simply didn’t know what he was doing.
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### Author:  [@carrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carrot)
#### Post date: [July 29, 2004, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ann-coulter-and-the-terrible-horrible-no-good-very-bad-usa-today/257458/19 "2004-07-29T19:05:14Z")
> [@Sweetums](#):
>
> Even though O’R was more or less on her side, it is astounding how often she descended into “shrill, hysterical bitch” mode.
She has another setting?
---
### Author:  [@elucidator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elucidator)
#### Post date: [July 29, 2004, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ann-coulter-and-the-terrible-horrible-no-good-very-bad-usa-today/257458/20 "2004-07-29T19:11:05Z")
Coulter’s Syndrome, another form of Cognitive Dissonance. Associated with _anorexia obnoxia_, an eating disorder wherein the diet centers around methamphetamine, diet soda, wormwood extract, and sour grapes
See Prof. I. Corey, _Oral Sadism and the Vegetarian Personality_
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