# Anniversary, marriage on the skids, how do you handle? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 14, 2010, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anniversary-marriage-on-the-skids-how-do-you-handle/536076 "2010-04-14T16:36:29Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Valgard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/7feea3/32.png) [@Valgard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Valgard)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2010, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anniversary-marriage-on-the-skids-how-do-you-handle/536076/1 "2010-04-14T16:36:29Z")
That’s the situation in a nutshell. One of my best friends got married a few years ago and today is their anniversary, however their marriage seems to be in trouble - they’re still together but it sounds like the relationship is dying. A number of us have tried to talk to him and her about how things are going but such questions get no response; consensus is that right now they don’t want to talk about it (although we talk about plenty of other things) so we’re all giving them their space. Anyhow, my concern du jour is “Should I wish them a happy anniversary”? Not acknowledging the date feels rude to me, but I don’t want to sound like I’m either ignoring what’s going on in their lives or telling them “Happy anniversary if you can still stand each other”. I’ve thought about contacting them individually to give them my best wishes and my hopes that they will be able to resolve their differences. It just feels very awkward. So put on your Miss Manners hat and let me know what you think an appropriate way to handle this is… ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2010, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anniversary-marriage-on-the-skids-how-do-you-handle/536076/2 "2010-04-14T16:54:09Z")
Send them a card. Write, in the card the things you noticed they adored about each other, back in the day. It might not work, but it’s honest and acknowledges their day. I’m sure they wouldn’t be offended by a card, and it avoids a conversation, with you, they may not wish to have, on the date of the anniversary. ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2010, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anniversary-marriage-on-the-skids-how-do-you-handle/536076/3 "2010-04-14T18:19:15Z")
I’d do this > [@Valgard](#): > > I’ve thought about contacting them individually to give them my best wishes without this > [@](#): > > and my hopes that they will be able to resolve their differences. ---
**Author:** ![LiveOnAPlane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3d9bf3/32.png) [@LiveOnAPlane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LiveOnAPlane)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2010, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anniversary-marriage-on-the-skids-how-do-you-handle/536076/4 "2010-04-14T18:30:20Z")
I would say to send them a card, by all means. You don’t have to allude to any diffulcities. Just recognize the anniversary and add a personal note in the card like "Best wishes, knowing you has meant a lot to me…something like that. Agree with the advice to NOT mention any difficulties or differences. You’re just acknowledging the anniversary, no more. Mention of any difficulties would be given personally, after they opened the door, not here. ---
**Author:** ![zoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zoid/32/336_2.png) [@zoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zoid)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2010, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anniversary-marriage-on-the-skids-how-do-you-handle/536076/5 "2010-04-14T18:30:51Z")
Honest response… Send a very generic card. If they are working things out they’ll appreciate that you remembered them. If they are in fact deciding that parting is best you won’t be adding to their pain by recapping what a great thing they once had that is now circling the drain. Smart ass respopnse Nail the wife and then tell the husband so they can end it already and you can all get on with your lives. But really don’t do that. ---
**Author:** ![stpauler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@stpauler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stpauler)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2010, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anniversary-marriage-on-the-skids-how-do-you-handle/536076/6 "2010-04-14T18:52:28Z")
I barely remember my _own_ anniversary. I’ve been in a couple weddings too and have never remembered the dates to those. Maybe I’m a walking faux pas and my friends are boorish ignoramuses, but I would be surprised if a friend sent an anniversary card to me or vice versa. Anniversaries seem to be private affairs unless they’re big ones (25 or 50 year marks). ---
**Author:** ![Kiber](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kiber/32/317_2.png) [@Kiber](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kiber)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2010, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anniversary-marriage-on-the-skids-how-do-you-handle/536076/7 "2010-04-14T19:03:35Z")
I’ve never had any friend mention anything about any of my anniversaries. And I’ve never once noted someone else’s anniversary unless they were a close family member. So my vote is - don’t do anything. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2010, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anniversary-marriage-on-the-skids-how-do-you-handle/536076/8 "2010-04-14T19:06:55Z")
I’m always surprised when I hear about people commemorating their friends’ anniversaries. Is this a regional thing, or…? ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2010, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anniversary-marriage-on-the-skids-how-do-you-handle/536076/9 "2010-04-14T19:26:46Z")
Another one chiming in with, “People send their friends anniversary cards?!” 😕 > [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > I’m always surprised when I hear about people commemorating their friends’ anniversaries. Is this a regional thing, or…? Maybe it’s a generational thing. OP, are y’all … um … y, know … _old_? ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2010, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anniversary-marriage-on-the-skids-how-do-you-handle/536076/10 "2010-04-14T20:19:27Z")
Or really young. Anniversaries are private affairs, between the couple and (maybe - I’m not convinced of this one) the kids. ---
**Author:** ![Valgard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/7feea3/32.png) [@Valgard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Valgard)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2010, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anniversary-marriage-on-the-skids-how-do-you-handle/536076/11 "2010-04-14T20:22:52Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > Or really young. Anniversaries are private affairs, between the couple and (maybe - I’m not convinced of this one) the kids. Squarely in the middle, I’m 40. I just like to remember my friends and family on significant dates like birthdays and anniversaries. Thanks for the opinions. I’m thinking I’ll go with a generic “Happy anniversary” and leave it at that. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2010, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anniversary-marriage-on-the-skids-how-do-you-handle/536076/12 "2010-04-14T20:23:40Z")
My husband’s family recognizes all the anniversaries in the family (and friends, to some extent), but my family does not. I think it’s just a family thing. If you would normally send a card or an email, I’d say do so without noting anything about their difficulties. ---
**Author:** ![Campion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/4491bb/32.png) [@Campion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Campion)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2010, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anniversary-marriage-on-the-skids-how-do-you-handle/536076/13 "2010-04-14T20:25:04Z")
> [@purplehorseshoe](#): > > Another one chiming in with, “People send their friends anniversary cards?!” 😕 I don’t even remember anniversaries in my own family, let alone friends’ anniversaries. If you feel you need to acknowledge it, just give them generic well wishes. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2010, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anniversary-marriage-on-the-skids-how-do-you-handle/536076/14 "2010-04-14T20:52:31Z")
> [@Kiber](#): > > I’ve never had any friend mention anything about any of my anniversaries. And I’ve never once noted someone else’s anniversary unless they were a close family member. So my vote is - don’t do anything. Same here. My first thought was ‘Shit, is this something I’m supposed to be doing?’ but I’m relieved to see I’m not alone. Save it for their birthdays. ---
**Author:** ![Valgard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/7feea3/32.png) [@Valgard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Valgard)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2010, 9:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anniversary-marriage-on-the-skids-how-do-you-handle/536076/15 "2010-04-14T21:31:08Z")
> [@Cat\_Fight](#): > > Same here. My first thought was ‘Shit, is this something I’m supposed to be doing?’ but I’m relieved to see I’m not alone. Save it for their birthdays. Heck, only if you want to. There are several of us who are really close - I was best man at his wedding, he and I were best men at a third guy’s wedding and they plus a few others are all eagerly awaiting the day when I get hitched so they can pay me back in the groomsman department. I’ve also presided at friends’ weddings, I try and remember those anniversaries as well. I’ve sent many a “Happy anniversary” card before so to suddenly stop would be awkward. I sent a nice generic greeting to them this time around. ---
**Author:** ![Dead\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9fc29f/32.png) [@Dead\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dead_Cat)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2010, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anniversary-marriage-on-the-skids-how-do-you-handle/536076/16 "2010-04-15T17:00:30Z")
Thanks for reminding me to buy my parents an anniversary card - it’s in 5 days and I’m sure I would have forgotten (of course, I still might, but this has helped). ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2010, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anniversary-marriage-on-the-skids-how-do-you-handle/536076/17 "2010-04-15T17:36:26Z")
> [@Valgard](#): > > I’ve sent many a “Happy anniversary” card before so to suddenly stop would be awkward. I sent a nice generic greeting to them this time around. I see, important detail! Sending nothing would have been weird, I agree. ---
**Author:** ![Lust4Life](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ecc23a/32.png) [@Lust4Life](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lust4Life)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2010, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anniversary-marriage-on-the-skids-how-do-you-handle/536076/18 "2010-04-16T15:14:21Z")
> [@stpauler](#): > > I barely remember my _own_ anniversary. I’ve been in a couple weddings too and have never remembered the dates to those. > > Maybe I’m a walking faux pas and my friends are boorish ignoramuses, but I would be surprised if a friend sent an anniversary card to me or vice versa. Anniversaries seem to be private affairs unless they’re big ones (25 or 50 year marks). Took the words right out of my mouth (including the bit about not remembering my own back in the day). It seems a little creepy celebrating other peoples routine anniversaries. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2010, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anniversary-marriage-on-the-skids-how-do-you-handle/536076/19 "2010-04-16T15:33:30Z")
I’ve never heard of being expected to know friends’ anniversaries either. I don’t think my wife and I have ever gotten a card or anything from anyone else either. I’d be surprised if any of our closest friends and family even know when it is. I know I don’t remember any of theirs. Hell, I was best man at my brother’s wedding, and I have no clue what the date was. I’d just ignore it, unless there’s some weird, particular regional fixation on remembering other people’s anniversaries. ---
**Author:** ![breaking-reality](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a8b319/32.png) [@breaking-reality](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/breaking-reality)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2010, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anniversary-marriage-on-the-skids-how-do-you-handle/536076/20 "2010-04-16T18:11:21Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > Or really young. Anniversaries are private affairs, between the couple and (maybe - I’m not convinced of this one) the kids. As kids, we’ve always celebrated my parents anniversary and usually get them something, go out to dinner with them, etc. I mean, hey, earlier this month they celebrated their 30 year anniversary. Anyone who can make it that long deserves a celebration. However, I’ve never gotten actual cards for friends for their anniversaries. If I remember, I say “Happy Anniversary” to them if I talk to them, but otherwise it just passes by without notice. I suppose it depends how close of friends we are. I rarely do birthday cards either. I also rarely receive them. I hope this isn’t rude. I do almost always send out thank-you cards for gifts.