# Anonymous abused woman. What to do? **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [November 20, 2023, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anonymous-abused-woman-what-to-do/993438 "2023-11-20T19:11:51Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Buck\_Godot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/buck_godot/32/6573_2.png) [@Buck\_Godot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Buck_Godot)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2023, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anonymous-abused-woman-what-to-do/993438/21 "2023-11-20T21:28:57Z")
> [@scudsucker](#): > > But fuck, man, she is a person with whom I have had interaction. I will see how I feel tomorrow. Going to put this thread to bed for a bit. Then I think that the topic of the thread should change from “What to do?” to “How to get her out of my head?” ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2023, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anonymous-abused-woman-what-to-do/993438/22 "2023-11-20T21:40:56Z")
> [@MrDibble](#): > > My only takeaway here is that you _let_ a drunk guy drive a drunk woman home. Have you been to a bar? Do you drive everyone home or did you _let_ them all drive off on their own? > [@MrDibble](#): > > Jesus, where were you drinking in the afternoon, that already had drunks in it? That’s some Royal Hotel/Stag’s Head dive, your local. Could’ve been a third shift bar. There’s quite a few bars in my area that you can walk into at 10am and already see people pretty hammered since they’ve been there since they got off of work a few hours earlier. I’m assuming that’s not uncommon in blue collar areas with factories that are up and running 24 hours a day. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2023, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anonymous-abused-woman-what-to-do/993438/23 "2023-11-20T21:43:43Z")
> [@scudsucker](#): > > The other guy was drunk too but both of us were concerned about her driving. He took her car keys and drove her home. > [@Dorjan](#): > > Are you trying to get this woman killed?? > [@scudsucker](#): > > I am not. But thank you for your advice. > [@scudsucker](#): > > I asked if she was safely at home. So you let a drunk person drive her home, and subsequently were concerned if she got home? SMH ---
**Author:** ![MrDibble](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mrdibble/32/114_2.png) [@MrDibble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrDibble)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2023, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anonymous-abused-woman-what-to-do/993438/24 "2023-11-20T21:54:23Z")
> [@Joey\_P](#): > > Have you been to a bar? Quite often, yes. > [@Joey\_P](#): > > Do you drive everyone home Not if I’ve had anything alcoholic to drink, no. One drink is one too many for driving. > [@](#): > > or did you _let_ them all drive off on their own? If they’re drunk? I’d hope the barman would stop them and call a cab or the various services. But someone I’ve been interacting with? No, I wouldn’t _let_ them. I especially wouldn’t let them go off with a strange man if I could possibly stop it. > [@Joey\_P](#): > > I’m assuming that’s not uncommon in blue collar areas with factories that are up and running 24 hours a day. Not really a thing in Cape Town. If a bar has people drinking in it to drunkenness at 10 am on a Monday, it’s a dive or a shebeen. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Drake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ad7895/32.png) [@Dr.Drake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Drake)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2023, 10:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anonymous-abused-woman-what-to-do/993438/25 "2023-11-20T22:15:12Z")
> [@Atamasama](#): > > unless you’re a professional in this area you’re not equipped. Just underlining this. People in abusive relationships have psychological damage. Sometimes it’s entirely from this abuse, and sometimes it builds on underlying issues that led them to choose / be chosen by an abusive mate. That means they need help, but they need complex, scaffolded help. The things that would work for an ordinary nice woman in a tough situation will not help her. If you want to help someone like this, write down the number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline on a piece of paper and give it to her ([National Domestic Violence Hotline | The Administration for Children and Families](https://www.acf.hhs.gov/fysb/programs/family-violence-prevention-services/programs/ndvh), 1−800−799−SAFE). If you want to do more, make a donation to this organization or to another reputable organization like it. There are problems you cannot solve as an individual. ---
**Author:** ![Moriarty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/moriarty/32/49_2.png) [@Moriarty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moriarty)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2023, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anonymous-abused-woman-what-to-do/993438/26 "2023-11-20T22:38:33Z")
> [@scudsucker](#): > > But fuck, man, she is a person with whom I have had interaction. That is an _incredibly_ low standard. I don’t know anything about you, but you can do better. This way lies madness. ---
**Author:** ![not\_what\_you\_d\_expect](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/not_what_you_d_expect/32/3246_2.png) [@not\_what\_you\_d\_expect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/not_what_you_d_expect)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2023, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anonymous-abused-woman-what-to-do/993438/27 "2023-11-20T23:14:33Z")
What’s a shebeen? OP, you might see her again at the bar if you hang out there. That could solve your problem. ---
**Author:** ![BlankSlate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/blankslate/32/80_2.png) [@BlankSlate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BlankSlate)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2023, 11:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anonymous-abused-woman-what-to-do/993438/28 "2023-11-20T23:38:45Z")
I haven’t seen that term since I read _Trinity_ by Leon Uris a million years ago. In Ireland, it was where they made the poteen (moonshine.) Looking it up, it’s a term used in Ireland, Scotland and South Africa for an unlicensed drinking establishment. ---
**Author:** ![Atamasama](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/atamasama/32/12961_2.png) [@Atamasama](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Atamasama)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2023, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anonymous-abused-woman-what-to-do/993438/29 "2023-11-21T00:34:48Z")
Wikipedia actually has an article on “shebeen”, believe it or not. > **[Shebeen](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shebeen)** > > A shebeen (Irish: síbín, "home-made whiskey") was originally an illicit bar or club where accessible alcoholic beverages were sold without a license. The term has spread far from its origins in Ireland, to Canada, the United States, the United Kingdom, Zimbabwe, the English-speaking Caribbean, Namibia, Malawi, and South Africa. In modern South Africa, many shebeens are now fully legal. > Originally shebeens were operated illegally by women who were called Shebeen Queens and were themselves a reviv... ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2023, 1:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anonymous-abused-woman-what-to-do/993438/30 "2023-11-21T01:54:49Z")
> [@Dr.Drake](#): > > Just underlining this. People in abusive relationships have psychological damage. Sometimes it’s entirely from this abuse, and sometimes it builds on underlying issues that led them to choose / be chosen by an abusive mate. That means they need help, but they need complex, scaffolded help. The things that would work for an ordinary nice woman in a tough situation will not help her. > > If you want to help someone like this, write down the number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline on a piece of paper and give it to her ([National Domestic Violence Hotline | The Administration for Children and Families](https://www.acf.hhs.gov/fysb/programs/family-violence-prevention-services/programs/ndvh), 1−800−799−SAFE). If you want to do more, make a donation to this organization or to another reputable organization like it. > > There are problems you cannot solve as an individual. I just wanted to quote this as great advice, co-signed by someone who works for a domestic violence agency. I was once driving in my subdivision when a woman ran into the road screaming at me to call 911 because her boyfriend just attacked her. He was on the lawn laughing saying “she always lies” classic deflection stuff. I immediately opened the door and put her in my car and drove around while she called police. I waited in the car with her until the cops arrived. I told her the domestic violence agency I worked for and gave her my business card, which has the crisis line number on it. While she was talking to the cops they were examining her neck for bruises because the police generally don’t know what to look for in domestic violence strangulation cases. She had the classic raspy voice indicating strangulation. But what the hell was I gonna say to the police? I write grants for a living. She thanked me and left and that was that. Boy did I feel bad. The next day I sat down with the real experts and asked what I should have done. They said I did the exact right thing. I gave her the resources, I respected her agency, and I didn’t attempt to intervene beyond my level of expertise. OP, you did all you could. One of the hardest parts about life is that it’s full of people we can’t help. ---
**Author:** ![scudsucker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scudsucker/32/14101_2.png) [@scudsucker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scudsucker)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2023, 4:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anonymous-abused-woman-what-to-do/993438/31 "2023-11-21T04:07:11Z")
Ok. I won’t pursue it further. She (or the boyfriend?) has my number. I was not fit to drive, after 2 large beers. I offered to pay for an Uber. I cannot physically restain someone from driving. For Mr Dibble, though I love a good dive bar (and both those you mentioned).this is Furleys in Newlands. A mid range restaurant. It is my local because it is within walking distance of where I live. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2023, 4:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anonymous-abused-woman-what-to-do/993438/32 "2023-11-21T04:27:15Z")
I’m so glad to hear it. I hope you stay safe. ---
**Author:** ![MrDibble](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mrdibble/32/114_2.png) [@MrDibble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrDibble)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2023, 5:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anonymous-abused-woman-what-to-do/993438/33 "2023-11-21T05:23:01Z")
> [@Dr.Drake](#): > > If you want to help someone like this, write down the number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline on a piece of paper and give it to her ([National Domestic Violence Hotline | The Administration for Children and Families](https://www.acf.hhs.gov/fysb/programs/family-violence-prevention-services/programs/ndvh), 1−800−799−SAFE). That’s not going to do a lot of good where scudsucker is. Here it’s 0800 150 150 ---
**Author:** ![MrDibble](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mrdibble/32/114_2.png) [@MrDibble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrDibble)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2023, 5:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anonymous-abused-woman-what-to-do/993438/34 "2023-11-21T05:26:06Z")
Ha, I know Furleys. I was just at the Korean BBQ next door this weekend. OK, not a dive. Just sad people, then. ETA: not you, I mean the people who were _dagdronk_. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2023, 6:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anonymous-abused-woman-what-to-do/993438/35 "2023-11-21T06:43:46Z")
All I’m going to say is that one of my technicians at the grocery store was a woman who had fled an abusive boyfriend a few years earlier. The shelter where she lived for the next few months had Rule Numero Uno be DO NOT CONTACT THE ABUSER. This was the most common reason for kicking women out of the shelter, and if she went back to him, or heaven forbid told him where the shelter was, she would not be able to receive services from that shelter for 6 months. This was in the Phoenix, AZ area and most people I’ve told that to have been skeptical. “Don’t they know it takes an average of 7 attempts for a woman to break free?” Yes, I do, and they didn’t want repeat business and had limited resources, and wanted to use them for people who would actually benefit from them. This shelter would refer these women to other agencies, but they wouldn’t let her stay there during that time if they broke that rule. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2023, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anonymous-abused-woman-what-to-do/993438/36 "2023-11-21T15:10:41Z")
> [@MrDibble](#): > > No, I wouldn’t _let_ them. I’ve spent some time in bars, including some nasty dives. I’ve urged a few people to not drive home, including offering to get them a ride. I’ve had a few people insist they were fine. I’m not sure what you mean by not letting them drive home. Do you physically restrain them? ---
**Author:** ![Jasmine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jasmine/32/2964_2.png) [@Jasmine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jasmine)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2023, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anonymous-abused-woman-what-to-do/993438/37 "2023-11-21T15:25:46Z")
> [@scudsucker](#): > > She gave me a phone number. It turns out her drunk self gave me her boyfriend’s number, so when I messaged “her” I got “him”. That could have gotten ugly. 😳 > [@scudsucker](#): > > I have asked the boyfriend for her own number, but fuck. I dont know what to do if he does not share it. Let me caution you about getting involved in domestic disputes. I have a couple of friends who are cops, and even they hate those kind of calls. > [@scudsucker](#): > > She’s fucked in a number of ways, showed me scars from self hurt. But the boyfriend seems like a complete arsehole. That is probably part of her “self hurt”. She has a terrible self image and probably feels that he is all that she deserves to have. In a case like this, no amount of logic and no amount of emotional investment on your part can help her. She can’t be “fixed”, but you could come out of it emotionally beaten up. People like her can exhaust you if you let them. ---
**Author:** ![MrDibble](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mrdibble/32/114_2.png) [@MrDibble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrDibble)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2023, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anonymous-abused-woman-what-to-do/993438/38 "2023-11-21T15:27:23Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > I’m not sure what you mean by not letting them drive home. Do you physically restrain them? No, I’d alert the relevant authorities. First the bar staff, then the police. Just like I do when I see any other deadly crime about to be commited. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2023, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anonymous-abused-woman-what-to-do/993438/39 "2023-11-21T15:40:17Z")
> [@MrDibble](#): > > No, I’d alert the relevant authorities. First the bar staff, then the police. OK, your wording made me think you physically stopped them. IME, notifying the bartender would lead to the bartender “cutting them off” (stop serving them). Calling the police? Their response would not be fast enough to stop the person from driving off. “When seconds count, the police are only minutes away” ---
**Author:** ![gnoitall](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/bb73d2/32.png) [@gnoitall](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gnoitall)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2023, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anonymous-abused-woman-what-to-do/993438/40 "2023-11-21T15:43:22Z")
It probably has more value as a threat than in the execution. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anonymous-abused-woman-what-to-do/993438.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anonymous-abused-woman-what-to-do/993438.md?page=3)