# Anonymous abused woman. What to do? **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [November 20, 2023, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anonymous-abused-woman-what-to-do/993438 "2023-11-20T19:11:51Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![MrDibble](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mrdibble/32/114_2.png) [@MrDibble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrDibble)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2023, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anonymous-abused-woman-what-to-do/993438/41 "2023-11-21T15:50:03Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > IME, notifying the bartender would lead to the bartender “cutting them off” (stop serving them) Depends on the bar. Some are more concerned with liability and will prevent a customer leaving and driving off. Because our [laws](https://www.gov.za/sites/default/files/gcis_document/201609/40321gon1208.pdf) do actually say they could be at fault if something happens, even though that seldom happens. > [@kayaker](#): > > Calling the police? Their response would not be fast enough to stop the person from driving off. Really depends on the person driving, the location of the police, and a host of other variables. I’ve seen enough drunk people struggling just to open their car door to know that. Note that our alcohol limit is lower than in the USA. One big drink would put you over. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2023, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anonymous-abused-woman-what-to-do/993438/42 "2023-11-21T15:53:51Z")
> [@MrDibble](#): > > Note that our alcohol limit is lower than in the USA. One big drink would put you over. Wow, y’all are .05%. Here in PA the limit is .08. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2023, 3:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anonymous-abused-woman-what-to-do/993438/43 "2023-11-21T15:55:24Z")
> [@MrDibble](#): > > Because our [laws](https://www.gov.za/sites/default/files/gcis_document/201609/40321gon1208.pdf) do actually say they could be at fault if something happens, even though that seldom happens So do ours. “Liquor liability” is its own line of insurance, sold to bartenders and the like. And you can bet that the rates go up if you’ve ever had a claim. I have no idea how often claims actually happen. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2023, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anonymous-abused-woman-what-to-do/993438/44 "2023-11-21T16:04:56Z")
Man oh man. The last few posts. As I’ve never hung out in bars of any kind, I’m assuming this is how lots of bar fights begin. Bar tender cuts off and someone grabs the keys. Or, drunk lady calls bad ass boyfriend because two guys and a bartender won’t let her leave. And he shows up before LE. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2023, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anonymous-abused-woman-what-to-do/993438/45 "2023-11-21T16:30:54Z")
I stopped at a bar early on a Saturday to buy tickets for a beer-food pairing that were just going on sale. While the bartender was figuring out how to do my transaction, a man “walked” in. I thought maybe he had cerebral palsy or maybe had suffered a stroke. I felt bad for the guy as he struggled to get into a seat at the bar. He was trying to figure out the beer menu. They had 40 offerings at that time and it could be confusing. I asked him what style of beer he preferred, thinking I could help him make a decision. He told me to fuck off, so i did. He told the bartender he wanted the cheapest beer they had. When he got his beer he immediately knocked it over and began screaming at the bartender that she was a clumsy bitch. Turns out he hadn’t had a stroke, nor did he have C.P. He was just horribly drunk. At 11 am on a Saturday. The bartender wanted to cut him off after he finished the one beer she’d poured him, but she was afraid he’d get violent. She called the police. The first cop that showed up peeked around the corner at him and instantly recognized him. He called for backup. I watched three big cops cautiously approach this 60-ish year old trembling drunk. They convinced him to accept a ride home and he left peacefully. ---
**Author:** ![MrDibble](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mrdibble/32/114_2.png) [@MrDibble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrDibble)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2023, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anonymous-abused-woman-what-to-do/993438/46 "2023-11-21T16:53:10Z")
_Not_ doing it is how far more dead innocents happen. Pedestrians, people in cars or on bikes. Drunk driving kills. A lot. More so in one particular country. By a lot. Three guesses as to which one **scudsucker** and I live in. (and the first two don’t count) > **[The Worst Countries In The World For Drunk Driving \[Infographic\]](https://www.forbes.com/sites/niallmccarthy/2016/08/11/the-worst-countries-in-the-world-for-drunk-driving-infographic/?sh=110ba1592f5c%2F)** > > When it comes to fatalities from drunk driving, one country stands out from the rest. According to the WHO's Global Status report on Road Safety for 2015, South Africa is one of the most dangerous countries in the world for road... ---
**Author:** ![HoneyBadgerDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honeybadgerdc/32/1033_2.png) [@HoneyBadgerDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HoneyBadgerDC)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2023, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anonymous-abused-woman-what-to-do/993438/47 "2023-11-21T16:54:03Z")
I have a little bit of expertise on this topic. I spent the first 50 years of my adult life with alcoholics. All you need to know is to stay as far away as possible. ---
**Author:** ![ratatoskK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ratatoskk/32/2987_2.png) [@ratatoskK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ratatoskK)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2023, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anonymous-abused-woman-what-to-do/993438/48 "2023-11-21T16:55:46Z")
One thing you could do that would be helpful to all potentially abused women is to have the bar management provide materials for how women can contact a crisis center or helpline. Generally this is done via posters and/or leaflets that are provided in the women’s restroom. (Since the OP is male, he probably doesn’t know about this.) I have often seen these signs in hospital restrooms and on college campuses, and in some bars. Here are some examples. [Material from the hotline.org](https://www.thehotline.org/stakeholders/download-and-request-materials/) [Material from Domestic Violence Awareness Project](https://www.dvawareness.org/free-materials) If “Abbey” frequents the bar and sees the material, she might then be able to contact a reputable organization for help. I agree with the others who say you should not try to contact her. Frankly if some guy I met while drunk in a bar started to call me, I’d be pretty freaked out about it. If you have a local women’s crisis center, they probably have more material and information. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2023, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anonymous-abused-woman-what-to-do/993438/49 "2023-11-21T17:02:41Z")
> [@ratatoskK](#): > > Frankly if some guy I met while drunk in a bar started to call me, I’d be pretty freaked out about it. In all fairness, she gave him her number (maybe.) ---
**Author:** ![MrDibble](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mrdibble/32/114_2.png) [@MrDibble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrDibble)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2023, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anonymous-abused-woman-what-to-do/993438/50 "2023-11-21T17:03:25Z")
Oh, 0.05 is what it is _now_. The near future? Who knows. 0.02%? Zero? > **[Zero-tolerance drink-driving policy will make big impact in cutting road carnage](https://www.dailymaverick.co.za/article/2022-10-02-zero-tolerance-drink-driving-policy-will-make-big-impact-in-cutting-road-carnage/)** > > Alcohol intoxication is a major contributing factor to the staggering burden of road traffic crashes and injuries in South Africa, accounting for at least one in every four fatal crashes that result from driver error. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2023, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anonymous-abused-woman-what-to-do/993438/51 "2023-11-21T17:32:46Z")
I’m totally with you on drunk driving. It’s a terrible problem. I don’t think the OPs concern is with that. I’m supposing they were more concerned with her _boyfriend_ problem, at the time. Again, and I say this a bunch, You cannot save everyone from themselves. Whether they’re stuck in an abusive relationship or they’re prone to drunken bar scenes or get in car with drunk drivers. You just can’t. If you get involved too much, you’re putting yourself in danger. Sometimes it’s just better to walk away. Remember, they barely knew this woman and her story. ---
**Author:** ![scudsucker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scudsucker/32/14101_2.png) [@scudsucker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scudsucker)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2023, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anonymous-abused-woman-what-to-do/993438/52 "2023-11-21T17:39:17Z")
> [@Spice\_Weasel](#): > > In all fairness, she gave him her number (maybe.) Maybe. I went back to the bar and and confirmed that the staff did not recognise her, nor the other drunken new friend, so they are not regulars. That’s as far as I am going to take it, unless she remembers she shared (maybe) her phone number. ---
**Author:** ![MrDibble](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mrdibble/32/114_2.png) [@MrDibble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrDibble)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2023, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anonymous-abused-woman-what-to-do/993438/53 "2023-11-21T17:40:36Z")
> [@Beckdawrek](#): > > You cannot save everyone from themselves But, possibly, you could save one or more innocents before they kill them. > [@Beckdawrek](#): > > Sometimes it’s just better to walk away. Turn a blind eye, you mean. > [@Beckdawrek](#): > > Remember, they barely knew this woman and her story. They knew she was very drunk. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2023, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anonymous-abused-woman-what-to-do/993438/54 "2023-11-21T17:45:13Z")
Gotcha. He offered her an Uber. He commiserated with her. He took her phone number. He called the number. He worried. He started a thread about it. I think the OP has really done his due diligence. Short of taking her home I don’t know what else he could’ve done. ---
**Author:** ![scudsucker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scudsucker/32/14101_2.png) [@scudsucker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scudsucker)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2023, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anonymous-abused-woman-what-to-do/993438/55 "2023-11-21T17:45:21Z")
I knew she was very drunk. I offered a few options. I was at that point over the limit, but I would happily have got an Uber for her. I should probably have called the police, Claremont Police are really, really good with sensitive cases, but it never occured to me. I have some history with police that makes me distrust them. I wish I had, though. At minimum, a cop driving her home, with another driving her car. At best a big fucking scare for the b/f when the police arrive and ask pointed questions. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2023, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anonymous-abused-woman-what-to-do/993438/56 "2023-11-21T17:52:05Z")
It’s been a few days. I guess. You haven’t heard of any bad car wrecks? Or dead women found. So we’re assuming she got home that night. I think on that point you can feel at ease. Now for her home life, I don’t think you need to pursue it. At all. If you see her again. If she remembers and talks to you. Then you decide. ---
**Author:** ![filmore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/7993a0/32.png) [@filmore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/filmore)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2023, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anonymous-abused-woman-what-to-do/993438/57 "2023-11-21T17:57:51Z")
One thing also to be conscientious about is proving appropriate life lessons. Nothing against you, but it’s generally not a good idea to accept huge amounts of help from a random person. Who knows what their true motivations are. Maybe they are truly altruistic, but maybe they are hoping for some kind of special favors. If you swoop in and save her, she sidesteps all the hard work it takes to figure out how to solve this on her own. The next time she’s in this situation, she may decide the best way to fix things is to hang out in a bar waiting for someone to offer up a place for her to stay since it worked out so well last time. Doing something simple like pointing her in the direction of help may actually be better help to her in the long run than fixing everything for her. ---
**Author:** ![scudsucker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scudsucker/32/14101_2.png) [@scudsucker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scudsucker)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2023, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anonymous-abused-woman-what-to-do/993438/58 "2023-11-21T18:02:52Z")
Ja, she may not even remember me, as when I met her she was far gone. I dunno. I can’t recall who upthread suggested I “be better” rather than seeking to help. I help people. It is part of my ethos. I have helped people ranging from some random stranger who genuinely need a loan (and paid it back promptly) to some homeless guy who was scooping up wheat spilled from the delivery trucks that brought grain to our local industrial mill. I found him and gave him what I had in my wallet, enough to feed him and get him a night in a shelter. I want to make the world a better place. This woman’s plight means a lot to me, particularly as I am helpless. And she seems helpless. It is a tragedy. ---
**Author:** ![scudsucker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scudsucker/32/14101_2.png) [@scudsucker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scudsucker)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2023, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anonymous-abused-woman-what-to-do/993438/59 "2023-11-21T18:05:56Z")
> [@filmore](#): > > Doing something simple like pointing her in the direction of help Well, as all I have is a first name and a phone number that appears to be controlled by the abusive boyfriend I can’t even do that. All I can do is hope she took my advice to dump this guy, but I will never know. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2023, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anonymous-abused-woman-what-to-do/993438/60 "2023-11-21T18:07:19Z")
> [@scudsucker](#): > > I should probably have called the police, Claremont Police are really, really good with sensitive cases, but it never occured to me. I have some history with police that makes me distrust them. If you mean call the police because she’s drunk and needs a ride home, OK. But please don’t involve the police in a domestic violence situation without the victim’s consent. It can open the victim up to further abuse. Generally speaking the more agency a victim has in the process, the better. You can present the information, but it’s up to them whether to follow through. What you as an outsider don’t know is to what extent the abuser has control over various aspects of the victim’s life, including financial control, holding identification documents, driver’s license, bugging their car or phone, etc. but the victim generally does have some information about that and is the one most equipped to make decisions about their future. For many it’s not as simple as walking out the door, not due to emotional issues but due to logistical ones. (General service announcement) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anonymous-abused-woman-what-to-do/993438.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/anonymous-abused-woman-what-to-do/993438.md?page=4)