# Another boyfriend and stripclubs topic -\_- **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 24, 2013, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-boyfriend-and-stripclubs-topic-_/661797 "2013-06-24T16:23:41Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 15\ **Page:** 4

**Author:** ![Zyada](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zyada/32/3028_2.png) [@Zyada](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zyada)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2013, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-boyfriend-and-stripclubs-topic-_/661797/61 "2013-06-25T22:00:20Z")

One more thing: I highly recommend that you start reading the Savage Love column. ---

**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2013, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-boyfriend-and-stripclubs-topic-_/661797/62 "2013-06-25T22:01:28Z")

> [@BrassyPhrase](#): > > Are you actually Dan Savage, **Cat Whisperer**? Great advice, I think! I was trying to formulate a Savage-esque answer and I think you nailed it. Oh no - cover blown! 😃 ---

**Author:** ![BrokenBriton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4bbf92/32.png) [@BrokenBriton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrokenBriton)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2013, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-boyfriend-and-stripclubs-topic-_/661797/63 "2013-06-25T22:05:44Z")

Does the OP think men generally find stripper not hot? I guess it’s just that he stated the obvious. ---

**Author:** ![stui\_magpie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stui_magpie/32/11010_2.png) [@stui\_magpie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stui_magpie)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2013, 11:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-boyfriend-and-stripclubs-topic-_/661797/64 "2013-06-25T23:05:21Z")

> [@PunditLisa](#): > > My fiance lived in NYC back in the 90s and he and his friends would occasionally visit strip clubs. **He was also occasionally approached by hookers.** He always told me about them, though he wasn’t insensitive enough to relay how “hot” they were. Neither was a big deal because I trusted him not to do anything that would compromise our relationship. We knew, like most adults know, what crosses the line. > > So, my question is if you trust him? If you do, then express your concerns then shrug it off. If you don’t, well then that’s a different issue. Off topic I know, but my boss just spent 2 weeks in NYC with his wife and told me how he was stunned at how many times he was approached by hookers while walking the streets sightseeing, and the fact that his wife was beside him at the time seemed to be zero deterrent to them. ---

**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2013, 11:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-boyfriend-and-stripclubs-topic-_/661797/65 "2013-06-25T23:27:56Z")

> [@gaffa](#): > > To the OP, I have never, ever, been in a strip club where sex was allowed or even possible. I agree that a lot of those reviews are either wishful thinking or trolling by the clubs themselves to create the impression that the customers will get more than they will. It is hard to say. I don’t know much about strip clubs in general but I do have a friend who is an aficionado of clubs across the U.S. Seriously, he plans vacations around good strip clubs but will also go into the seediest ones in out of the way places too because his dream is to write a guide book about them someday. He took me to one in Providence, RI a couple of times. Rhode Island has some of the loosest strip club laws in the U.S. even moreso than Las Vegas in many ways although that isn’t well known. Touching is certainly allowed and even encouraged mostly for free or a couple of dollars but that is just the appetizer. The working girls want to get you to pay for a ‘lap dance’ in one of the many private micro-rooms they have set up and what happens in those between you, her, and your wallet. I only did it once and wondered why a ‘lap dace’ cost so much until I found out that there was a whole lot more on the menu than that. I didn’t even go through with most of what I apparently paid for because I am hopelessly naive in that way but anything was available for a price and the girl was a stunner. I know it varies a lot by locality and club but that type of thing really does exist either semi-legally or illegally in many places in the U.S. I assume it does in Canada as well. ---

**Author:** ![CarnalK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnalk/32/486_2.png) [@CarnalK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CarnalK)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2013, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-boyfriend-and-stripclubs-topic-_/661797/66 "2013-06-25T23:41:32Z")

> [@Zyada](#): > > Harsh? Every man, make that every adult, has been in a place and time where they were able “to touch or fondle someone else with that possible type of history and experiences”. And every adult will in the future be in a similar situation. If it’s not a strip club, it’s a bar; if it’s not a bar, it’s the workplace, the gym, the park, the church, etc., ad infinitum. It’s not opportunity that causes behavior; it’s what choices we make when we have that opportunity. > > Think about it - if you knew someone who was in a position to murder someone and didn’t, would you be upset because they could have been a murderer, or not thought anything about it at all? You know that is a very rational and level headed way to approach it. Unfortunately you kind of have to twist reality around to buy it. A strip club that allows you to pay 20 bucks to grab a girl’s boobs and butt is just another world from a guy hooking up with some girl at the gym, let alone a frigging church. All those other places, a guy would have to maintain a continued will to cheat as well as find a willing partner. Not so at the strip club. One drink too many or a moment of weakness and he could be pinching some strange girl’s nipples. And while most men have an ingrained resistance to murdering someone, touching boobies resistance is generally less ingrained. ---

**Author:** ![MUFF9090](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MUFF9090](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MUFF9090)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2013, 2:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-boyfriend-and-stripclubs-topic-_/661797/67 "2013-06-26T02:00:57Z")

I am glad that someone people have pointed that I have suggested this in the past. it wasnt like we havent talked about it before and I was immediately turned off from it. It was what I found what does/could happen that turned me off. After speaking with him im surpised at his reaction, he didnt freak out or react in anyway. He just said (as I kind of assumed) he thought I would be okay with it. Once again, he went on about how beautiful the girls are, he said if he did get an extra of some sort he wouldnt tell me \<–that bothered me. As well, he mentioned how I dont seem the type to get jealous, but he was glad he got to see me get jealous. \<–bothered me as well. I was unsettled/uncomfortable, I don’t think I seem or come off as jealous. I expressed to him that I realize I am not comofortable with lap dances, but he can do what he wantsI think what I was upset/uncomfortable about I guess is the idea of getting lap dances. And I expressed to him, that I think it is kind of normal to feel that way. I do think so because he’s made it clear that he doesn’t like that idea of me dancing with other guys, he’s also had an issue in the past with me getting job offers to work at restaurant that are more well known for the appearance of their waitresses than their food, and I respected his feelings as didnt work at those restaurants. I told him I won’t tell what to or what not to do regarding whether or not he wants to go in the future. I just hope that he would be honest and tell me when he does. Cause quite honestly, I think I would have had more of a issue if he didnt tell me at all. However, during my visit with him he’s was extremely more touchy feely than usual :|… thoughts? ---

**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2013, 3:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-boyfriend-and-stripclubs-topic-_/661797/68 "2013-06-26T03:03:22Z")

The two of you are unusually honestly with each other so that is a good thing. That is a good thing. Most of the men I have known in my life just did whatever they wanted and lied about it afterwards to various degrees of success (sometimes none). The women usually do smaller variations on the same thing in their own way (it could be anything from flirting to extravagant shopping) but, at the same time, try to strictly control "their man’s’ behavior and that doesn’t really work. You will just force it to be underground and teach him not to be honest with you anymore. I don’t see this as a deal breaker. The bigger issue is do you like him enough otherwise to truly want to be with him? The strip club thing has remarkably little to do with that although it could be a symptom of other issues. ---

**Author:** ![colander](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e8c25b/32.png) [@colander](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/colander)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2013, 3:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-boyfriend-and-stripclubs-topic-_/661797/69 "2013-06-26T03:52:51Z")

> [@MUFF9090](#): > > After speaking with him im surpised at his reaction, he didnt freak out or react in anyway. He just said (as I kind of assumed) he thought I would be okay with it. Once again, he went on about how beautiful the girls are, he said if he did get an extra of some sort he wouldnt tell me \<–that bothered me. As well, he mentioned how I dont seem the type to get jealous, but he was glad he got to see me get jealous. \<–bothered me as well. I was unsettled/uncomfortable, I don’t think I seem or come off as jealous. > > I expressed to him that I realize I am not comofortable with lap dances, but he can do what he wantsI think what I was upset/uncomfortable about I guess is the idea of getting lap dances. And I expressed to him, that I think it is kind of normal to feel that way. I do think so because he’s made it clear that he doesn’t like that idea of me dancing with other guys, he’s also had an issue in the past with me getting job offers to work at restaurant that are more well known for the appearance of their waitresses than their food, and I respected his feelings as didnt work at those restaurants. Look, lady. If both of the above paragraphs are accurate, then your boyfriend is an unrepentant choad and you know it. So why don’t you cut him loose so he can find someone who has a thing for choads and you can find someone who will at least _pretend_ he has some kind of regard for you and for your relationship? ---

**Author:** ![BrokenBriton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4bbf92/32.png) [@BrokenBriton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrokenBriton)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2013, 6:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-boyfriend-and-stripclubs-topic-_/661797/70 "2013-06-26T06:17:52Z")

He’s a young man, for about 20 million years young men have been bedazzled by young women dancing provocatively. It’s all part of the great game. If you show him a little cleavage, he thinks you’re ‘beautiful’ too, etc, etc. Young men are not deep thinkers in these matters. I can’t believe this thread - ffs, young men get a hard on over wet paint. It’s kind of nature, they’re supposed to. ---

**Author:** ![BrokenBriton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4bbf92/32.png) [@BrokenBriton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrokenBriton)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2013, 6:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-boyfriend-and-stripclubs-topic-_/661797/71 "2013-06-26T06:34:07Z")

and …I have to say some of the women in this thread some like some 1950s Doris Day prig. It reads like some fantasy world … ---

**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2013, 11:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-boyfriend-and-stripclubs-topic-_/661797/72 "2013-06-26T11:36:54Z")

Here’s a thought. You’re 20 and he’s 23 and neither of you has any business being in a serious relationship right now. Certainly neither of you should be trying to pretend that this relationship is serious in any way. You both need to go your separate ways and live your lives and learn what each of you wants from an actual mature adult relationship. That realization will come in due time but not while he’s trying to get you to tacitly agree to let him boink strippers (and other women), while you try to pretend that you’re not going to tell him what to do (in other words, what it is you really need) but implicitly expect him to respect your needs anyway. In a way he’s being a little more honest by telling you he enjoys oggling other women and would like to do something more than simply look. You’re being less honest in playing this coy game of not telling him outright what it is you really expect of him in your relationship. (Why, do you think that is?) It’s not your fault that you’re both young and don’t yet know what you want. But you’re old enough to start quickly realizing this isn’t it, for either one of you. ---

**Author:** ![ralph124c](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/8797f3/32.png) [@ralph124c](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ralph124c)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2013, 7:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-boyfriend-and-stripclubs-topic-_/661797/73 "2013-06-27T07:25:31Z")

I think you should accompany your BF on a few trips to these establishments. You can see for yourself what goes on…and its really all about manipulating men (into parting with their money). You might wish to talk to the performers-maybe even try it yourself. In the end, if you find the whole thing unpleasant, tell him…if not, you might enjoy it. ---

**Author:** ![Doggo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/87869e/32.png) [@Doggo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doggo)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2013, 10:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-boyfriend-and-stripclubs-topic-_/661797/74 "2013-06-27T10:07:31Z")

Seems to me that it’s too late for your relationship already. If you feel disgusted at him for going to a strip club that he was honest about, you only have trouble in store and a divorce is inevitable down the line if you get married. Either you trust him or you don’t, and it seems that you don’t. Save both of yourselves the grief and say goodbye. Perhaps you will find Mr Perfect later, or more likely someone that just doesn’t tell you everything. ---

**Author:** ![Doggo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/87869e/32.png) [@Doggo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doggo)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2013, 10:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-boyfriend-and-stripclubs-topic-_/661797/75 "2013-06-27T10:12:14Z")

> [@stui\_magpie](#): > > Off topic I know, but my boss just spent 2 weeks in NYC with his wife and told me how he was stunned at how many times he was approached by hookers while walking the streets sightseeing, and the fact that his wife was beside him at the time seemed to be zero deterrent to them. Perhaps because some couples like to get it on with an anonymous third party, or maybe the wife likes to watch. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-boyfriend-and-stripclubs-topic-_/661797.md?page=3)