# Another "datingspeak" question, how does one define "intense"? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 14, 2010, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-datingspeak-question-how-does-one-define-intense/543078 "2010-06-14T01:17:17Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 12\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Diamonds02](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b5a626/32.png) [@Diamonds02](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diamonds02)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-datingspeak-question-how-does-one-define-intense/543078/1 "2010-06-14T01:17:17Z")
I’m new to the dating scene. I’ve been online dating for a little while, and I’ve noticed that some people refer to me as being intense…along with interesting (I disagree, I think I’m quite ordinary) and distinct from other women (mostly from men in real life). I think I understand where the “distinct from other women” part, I’m a butchish lesbian…but somehow that isn’t usually apparent without me saying it. Men who try to pick me up in person are probably confused why I don’t react to them the way most women do…be it positive or negative. That’s my assumption. As for “interesting”, I actually heard it can have quite negative connotation when you describe women with that word, opposed to men. The “intense” is what throwing me off the most. Again, I’m new to the scene, and I have no idea what it means when you describe someone as “intense” in the dating context…opposed to describing a thing as “intense”. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 1:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-datingspeak-question-how-does-one-define-intense/543078/2 "2010-06-14T01:19:07Z")
Do you ask a lot of questions? Do you get into deep, philosophical discussions right away? Do you tend to reveal a lot about yourself early on? Those are the types of things that might make me describe someone as “intense.” I personally don’t think that’s a bad thing. ---
**Author:** ![Covered\_In\_Bees](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7ab992/32.png) [@Covered\_In\_Bees](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Covered_In_Bees)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 1:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-datingspeak-question-how-does-one-define-intense/543078/3 "2010-06-14T01:20:07Z")
In the context of describing someone as intense, I think it usually means “serious” or “diehard”. Diehard would refer to being butch, intense would refer more to just your personality in general. As far as I know or can surmise. ---
**Author:** ![Umbriel2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/4af34b/32.png) [@Umbriel2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Umbriel2)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 1:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-datingspeak-question-how-does-one-define-intense/543078/4 "2010-06-14T01:37:25Z")
I’d concur with **Asimovian** re “intense”. I’d also submit that I’ve heard “interesting” used negatively with regard to men pretty often too, just as it is with art. There are, I suppose, certain social circles where women aren’t supposed to be “interesting”. I don’t think there are as many such circles today as there were 50 years ago, and they’re likely even more underrepresented on the SDMB. ---
**Author:** ![Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maggie_the_Ocelot)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 1:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-datingspeak-question-how-does-one-define-intense/543078/5 "2010-06-14T01:52:47Z")
If I were to use it, it would mean “She was way more into the relationship than I was.” As in, you brought the U-haul on the first date instead of the second 😃 ---
**Author:** ![The\_Tao\_s\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/73ab20/32.png) [@The\_Tao\_s\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Tao_s_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 2:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-datingspeak-question-how-does-one-define-intense/543078/6 "2010-06-14T02:41:09Z")
> [@Asimovian](#): > > Do you ask a lot of questions? Do you get into deep, philosophical discussions right away? Do you tend to reveal a lot about yourself early on? > > Those are the types of things that might make me describe someone as “intense.” I personally don’t think that’s a bad thing. If that’s what intense means, then I think I just learned something important. I sometimes have this habit of bringing up science, history, philosophy, etc. way too much in my small talk, and jokes. Usually to avoid that with new people I’ll just play interviewer, until they’ve been habituated to my quirks. Sometimes though, I forget in the elevator you’re supposed to talk about the weather you were all just in five minutes ago, and not quantum mechanics. Even if it seems really relevant. ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 2:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-datingspeak-question-how-does-one-define-intense/543078/7 "2010-06-14T02:59:48Z")
Where campers sleep. ---
**Author:** ![Taomist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/53a042/32.png) [@Taomist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taomist)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 3:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-datingspeak-question-how-does-one-define-intense/543078/8 "2010-06-14T03:02:04Z")
I’ve known folk to use ‘intense’ to mean someone who doesn’t really flirt, doesn’t do the small talk so well. Lack of social lubricant tends to throw some people off; I’ve known guys to deliberately do the silent, ‘intense’ thing to make women think they were deeper than they were. 😛 I suspect that on the dating scene, guys are expecting light and fluffy conversation; lack of such = ‘intense’. Just a theory 😉 I have no idea what chicks on the make expect from other women, though; maybe they’re thrown off a bit, too. ---
**Author:** ![dangermom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e274bd/32.png) [@dangermom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dangermom)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 3:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-datingspeak-question-how-does-one-define-intense/543078/9 "2010-06-14T03:08:27Z")
I would tend to think of “intense” as someone who gets really into what they are doing/talking about, does not do light conversation much, possibly who seems to react strongly to things (like, _really_ happy or _really_ upset). One person I knew who was sort of intense was really nice, but talking with him was a bit like walking in a minefield. One minute you’re joking around, the next he’s saying “So you believe that we shouldn’t save the Earth?” and you’re in the middle of a heavy discussion about the ethics of Greenpeace. (I just remembered that he used to run a website about our profession and checked to see if it’s still there. It’s now a blog and publishing press. So, intense = success I guess–last time I saw him we were both doing substitute work.) ---
**Author:** ![SeaCanary](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e274bd/32.png) [@SeaCanary](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SeaCanary)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 3:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-datingspeak-question-how-does-one-define-intense/543078/10 "2010-06-14T03:17:31Z")
> [@Asimovian](#): > > Do you ask a lot of questions? Do you get into deep, philosophical discussions right away? Do you tend to reveal a lot about yourself early on? > > Those are the types of things that might make me describe someone as “intense.” I totally agree. > [@Asimovian](#): > > I personally don’t think that’s a bad thing. Which brings up the part about this being _good_ or _bad_. If you think of philosophical discussions and self-revelation as being _effective_ or _ineffective_ for the occasion it removes a judgmental aspect from the equation. I hope this helps. Please let us know if we’re close or totally off the mark. ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 3:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-datingspeak-question-how-does-one-define-intense/543078/11 "2010-06-14T03:20:10Z")
> [@dangermom](#): > > I would tend to think of “intense” as someone who gets really into what they are doing/talking about, does not do light conversation much, possibly who seems to react strongly to things (like, _really_ happy or _really_ upset). That’s how I’d think of it too. The intense person is someone who is passionate about what they like, and what they don’t, and brings a lot of energy - maybe too much for some people - to any conversation. Unless it was a self-descriptor (“blah blah…I’m an intense person”), in which case it means some personality disorder flavor of crazy. ---
**Author:** ![Arrendajo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Arrendajo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arrendajo)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2010, 5:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/another-datingspeak-question-how-does-one-define-intense/543078/12 "2010-06-14T05:06:45Z")
> [@elfkin477](#): > > That’s how I’d think of it too. The intense person is someone who is passionate about what they like, and what they don’t, and brings a lot of energy - maybe too much for some people - to any conversation. > > Unless it was a self-descriptor (“blah blah…I’m an intense person”), in which case it means some personality disorder flavor of crazy. I agree with elfkin477, and would add that it might be a sort of euphemism for humorless. **Might** be. Like the kind of person who has the bumper sticker “If you’re not angry you’re not paying attention!” on her Volvo. I’m still distracted by your stating that even though you’re a butch lesbian men come on to you. Really? Are they just clueless or what?